Jump to content

Husband wants to bring in another woman, but I don't know .

Marly F.

By Marly F.,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share Followers 1

Recommended Posts

Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
Posted

It's a long story, but I'll be brief.

 

I was at a party with our best friends, I got drunk and things just took off from there you can guess what happened. I regrettably had a threesome with them.

 

I felt bad and told my husband and he got angry. We had many arguments and he broke a lot of things. He's calmed down lately, though.

 

I really don't want to go into details, I'm suffering enough right now with the guilt, so please don't ask. I know I did wrong.

 

It's been 10 months since. My husband asked me for a threesome this past month. I told him no, and he got mad and left the house for a couple of weeks.

 

He came back this week and let it all out and cried a lot to me. I feel so bad for what I did. He asked me again.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I could handle seeing him with another woman.

 

Any advice at all?

Link to post
Share on other sites
CarrieT

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Any advice at all?

You don't want to do it so don't. End of story.

 

Don't let him guilt you into doing something you really don't want to do just because you did it before (regardless if you regret it or not). His petulant behavior is just game-playing.

 

Hold your ground - it will only cause more hurt feelings and problems if you succumb!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I feel ashamed for asking this question.

 

I'll speak to my counselor and see if she can set us up with someone in that particular field.

 

Delete this please.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CarrieT

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Delete this please.

 

Not going to happen - once posted, these things remain...

 

I wish you well in your troubles.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Not going to happen - once posted, these things remain...

 

I wish you well in your troubles.

My counselor will not be available until the later part of January.

 

Huh. I have no idea how I'm going to make this up to him. I really don't want to have a threesome, I couldn't stomach seeing him with another woman.

 

But I'm scared. When I told him what I did things got pretty bad at first. I found him in the bathroom with a gun to his head.

 

We've cut all contact with our friends. We're moving out of state, too. I hope these things make a difference, but I'm really scared. I'm scared he'll start cheating on me. He never cheated before but I'm scared.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
My counselor will not be available until the later part of January.

 

Huh. I have no idea how I'm going to make this up to him. I really don't want to have a threesome, I couldn't stomach seeing him with another woman.

 

But I'm scared. When I told him what I did things got pretty bad at first. I found him in the bathroom with a gun to his head.

 

We've cut all contact with our friends. We're moving out of state, too. I hope these things make a difference, but I'm really scared. I'm scared he'll start cheating on me. He never cheated before but I'm scared.

 

HELLO, call someone and get some help.

 

For God's sakes, get your guns out of the house at the very least!

 

Call crisis services. Is there somewhere that does crisis marital counseling (there is in my city, and it's on a sliding scale)

 

You husband has become pretty unglued. It's time to look past your guilt etc. and deal with the insanity at hand! Don't wait!

  • Like 11
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
HELLO, call someone and get some help.

 

For God's sakes, get your guns out of the house at the very least!

 

Call crisis services. Is there somewhere that does crisis marital counseling (there is in my city, and it's on a sliding scale)

 

You husband has become pretty unglued. It's time to look past your guilt etc. and deal with the insanity at hand! Don't wait!

That happened 9 months ago. He did seek help, he's calmed down but not everything is like it should be.

 

I haven't confronted him about it, but I know he's been cutting. He's been trying to cover it up but I was able to get a look.

 

I know what I did was wrong, but I never wanted all of this to happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
That happened 9 months ago. He did seek help, he's calmed down but not everything is like it should be.

 

I haven't confronted him about it, but I know he's been cutting. He's been trying to cover it up but I was able to get a look.

 

I know what I did was wrong, but I never wanted all of this to happen.

 

Again, crisis professional!

 

Deal with the insanity first. Than worry about threesome and musical compilations. etc etc etc.

 

The threesome thing is a symptom of an even bigger issue. (YES, there is a BIGGER issue)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
It's been 10 months since. My husband asked me for a threesome this past month. I told him no, and he got mad and left the house for a couple of weeks.

Two different things that don't have anything to do with each other - your infidelity and his desire for a threesome.

 

Look, you cheated. Doesn't matter if there were 2 people or 22 in the bed, it was wrong and you seem to know it. I hope you're doing everything you can to be transparent in your actions and committed to your marriage.

 

At this point, I can't imagine anything more destructive than, through a threesome, forcing you to effectively cheat again.

 

Lots of complicated stuff going on - why aren't you in MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
oldshirt

oldshirt

Posted
Posted (edited)

For what it's worth, my wife and I used to be very involved in swinging and have had lots of 3somes, foursomes and "moresomes" so I do have experience with nonmonogamy.

 

However in your case I agree with the other posters, this requires serious and CONTINUOUS profession help to work through.

 

I don't want to rub salt into your wounds or kick you while you are already down but you do need to understand you betrayed him in the worst possible way. In fact I really don't know how you could have hurt him worse. Let me try to explain..

 

You not only committed infidelity and had sex with another man. You had sex with another man AND HIS WIFE. All men dream of and fantasize about having FMF threesomes. Most don't actually try to do it because they don't want to risk their own marriage but men still dream of it and fantasize about it because it's such a strong sign of masculinity and desirability to be able to have sex with two women and have the women be ok with it.

 

In many ways FMF 3somes are like a peek experience or the ultimate sign of status and desirability for a man.

 

You gave that status and experience to another man while he was left out of the picture. That other man and his wife are now still happily married and they are walking around with wicked grins on their faces and he is patting himself on the back for having the ultimate male experience while your husbands life and marriage is in shambles.

 

It would have been less of a blow to him if you had just had a regular one-on-one affair with another man. At least in that case, if the other man were married, then his wife would be hurt too and the other man's life would be turned somewhat upside down with turmoil too. but as it is now, the other man is walking around strutting like a big stud while your husband is the chump who's wife got it on with another couple.

 

I don't know if a marriage can survive this. I have had FMF 3somes as well as MFM 3somes with my wife but I seriously doubt that I would even be able to forgive her and move on if she cheated with another couple behind my back and gave another man his ultimate fantasy while I was sitting at home unaware of it.

 

Again, I say this not to hurt you or to rub your face in it, but so that you can see the depth of the pain and damage that you have caused as well as so you can see the need for professional assistance in getting through this.

 

If your marriage is to survive you will need professional assistance to acheive that. and even if your marriage does not survive professional assistance will help both of you to deal with this and to move on in a healthy and functional manner.

Edited by oldshirt
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
oldshirt

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

...And I do need to clear that I am NOT advocating that you try to give him a 3some.

 

This will NOT undo the damage that has been done and will likely make it much worse.

 

For starters unless you hire a prostitute, you won't be able to pull it off anyway and hiring a prostitute will just make him feel that much more emasculated and bitter.

 

The reason you won't be able to pull this off is he is angry and hurt and bitter and feeling very emasculated. Angry, bitter, emasculated men are not able to attract other women to be the extra in some dysfunctional and pathetic 3some scenario with a wife who they are uber pi$$ed at and who is just being manipulated by her own guilt.

 

even if you were able to pull it off, you would feel so used and discusted and jealous it would forever taint you too.

 

this is definately a case of 'two wrongs don't make a right."

 

Professional help is the only way this situation is ever going to be able to heal.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted

My husband told my dad what I did. They've known each other since I was in elementary. They're pretty close. I can't even look my dad in the eyes. He won't talk to me at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
KungFuJoe

KungFuJoe

Posted
Posted

You guys need to get a divorce.

 

You ****ed up and it's beyond repair.

 

If you really care about the man, you should leave him. It will hurt him a lot initially but then you give him a chance to recover and lead a normal life again. Something he cannot have with you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You guys need to get a divorce.

 

You ****ed up and it's beyond repair.

 

If you really care about the man, you should leave him. It will hurt him a lot initially but then you give him a chance to recover and lead a normal life again. Something he cannot have with you.

I don't want to leave him. He means everything to me. I will do anything to make this marriage work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I think that your husband feels the only way he can get over this betrayal is to do the same thing with you that you allowed the other man to do. Sorry. I feel your marriage is over unless you comply. Even then, he will never get over it or look at you the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites
KungFuJoe

KungFuJoe

Posted
Posted
I don't want to leave him. He means everything to me. I will do anything to make this marriage work.

 

Too late for that. Should have thought about that before you got drunk and had a threesome.

 

Now you are just trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Too late for that. Should have thought about that before you got drunk and had a threesome.

 

Now you are just trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

 

I didn't come here to be maligned. I know what I did was wrong and I feel immense guilt for it. Alright. It's not like I'm walking around with a smile on my face.

Link to post
Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks

NoMoreJerks

Posted
Posted

OK, the husband is severely hurt and embarassed and his ego has been shattered, and he feels betrayed. I get that. But wouldn't it make more sense for him to then go and do a threesome that does not include OP, rather than demand a threesome from HER? Anyone feel like he's just abusing the situation and manipulating OP in order to get what may have been his fantasy to begin with? Sure, he might be doing it out of spite as well, but if that were the case, why not say that he's gonna go out and do a threesome with 2 women other than the OP? I don't know. What a mess. At any rate, I think this relationship is a very unhealthy one at this point, and is probably beyond repair. Threesomes :sick:. Is it really worth it, people? Seriously? You'd give up on a relationship just for a goddamn fantasy? :sick:

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
KungFuJoe

KungFuJoe

Posted
Posted
I didn't come here to be maligned. I know what I did was wrong and I feel immense guilt for it. Alright. It's not like I'm walking around with a smile on my face.

 

You came here for advice. I'm giving it to you.

 

If your husband got drunk came home and shot you in the face forever scarring you would you stay with him?

 

If you don't like the analogy, I agree...what you did was MUCH worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You came here for advice. I'm giving it to you.

 

If your husband got drunk came home and shot you in the face forever scarring you would you stay with him?

 

If you don't like the analogy, I agree...what you did was MUCH worse.

How is it worse? How does it compare to shooting somebody?

Link to post
Share on other sites
coffeebean201

coffeebean201

Posted
Posted

Dads often scowl and growl, but I'm sure your dad loves you very much. I think it is good that your husband shared with him...to help your husband deal with this.

Men often say the wrong thing......

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Marly F.

Marly F.

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Dads often scowl and growl, but I'm sure your dad loves you very much. I think it is good that your husband shared with him...to help your husband deal with this.

Men often say the wrong thing......

Well, my dad won't talk to me, at all. He loves me a lot, I know, but he won't answer any of my phone calls.

Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 1
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...