Husband wants to bring in another woman, but I don't know .

[Marly F.]

How old are you two?

I'm 20, he's 30. Why does it even matter?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why does it even matter?

Because in your actions - your over-the-top ONS and his threesome demand and petulant behavior - you both come across as impulsive and immature. There's a "getting even" aspect to both your sides that doesn't imply good judgement.

 

Have you thought about why you chose not only to cheat but to do so in such spectacular fashion? Hint - It wasn't an accident...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marly F.]

Have you thought about why you chose not only to cheat but to do so in such spectacular fashion? Hint - It wasn't an accident...

I was drunk. And I really haven't had as much experience as my husband. He's been with a lot of women in the past. When I met (slept) him, he was only the second guy I'd been with.

[KungFuJoe]

I was drunk. And I really haven't had as much experience as my husband. He's been with a lot of women in the past. When I met (slept) him, he was only the second guy I'd been with.

 

Wow...it just keeps getting better and better.

 

Now I fully understand how your husband couldn't possibly leave such a wonderful woman such as yourself. He'd be crazy to do so!

[Mr. Lucky]

I was drunk. And I really haven't had as much experience as my husband. He's been with a lot of women in the past. When I met (slept) him, he was only the second guy I'd been with.

And yet while you were drunk, you didn't shoplift, punch your host in the nose or push any little old ladies down flights of stairs - all additional activities that fall towards the wrong end of the right/wrong spectrum. Alcohol removes inhibitions so I think the question you should be asking yourself (and your therapist) is why you chose to act out in this way. And were I your H (his other issues aside), I'd also want to know why - otherwise, how could I ever trust you again? What would happen the next time you were drunk? You have some things to fix here and you're not coming across as willing to do the heavy lifting and hard work involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marly F.]

Alcohol removes inhibitions so I think the question you should be asking yourself (and your therapist) is why you chose to act out in this way. And were I your H (his other issues aside), I'd also want to know why - otherwise, how could I ever trust you again? What would happen the next time you were drunk?

 

I know what I did was wrong. If I could go to the past, I would reject the alcohol that day and avoid everything that happened that night. I can't, though. I've caused so much pain to the person I love more than anything.

 

Sometimes I feel inadequate. I probably shouldn't have asked him, but I was so curious. I thought I needed to know. He's slept with many women in his life, and I just can't get those women out of my head. I keep asking myself if they were better than me, did they feel better, were they more adventurous. I feel resentment against him because of this.

 

I can't get his ex out of my mind. She's prettier than me, has better features, smarter than me and does a lot of charity work. I feel so little every time I compare myself to her. I keep thinking in my mind that he would be happier with her. I mean, it's not like he chose me over her, she broke up with him.

[silicone]

I rarely post in this section, but this epitomises why the hell I cannot trust girls going to parties and clubs without someone I trust there.

 

You have hurt him in one of the worst ways possible.

 

You really only have two choices and one is guaranteed, being the latter.

 

You'll have to agree to his demands or leave him. Regardless if you say you love him, if you did, you'd not be selfish and want the best for him.

[KungFuJoe]

Yeah...either completely out of touch with common sense and morality or this is a made up story.

[Nyla]

Why would you be drinking around people who would take advantage of your loosened inhibitions?

 

It looks like you were rebelling against the idea of having a husband who was more sexually experienced. Your insecurity and immaturity led to a very bad choice, as well as the fact that you married before you had much dating experience. People should only get married once they have enjoyed being young and single, so that they are ready to commit to one person.

 

My husband is eight years older than me, but I find him incredibly sexy and I am disgusted by cheating or swinging. Even when I was playing the field, I still never cheated on a boyfriend or let more than one person have sex with me.

 

You need to stay away from alcohol if you cannot handle the effects. I think your husband told your father what you did in order to shame you; no dad wants to hear that his daughter participated in a threesome while she was married! Your husband needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and a perhaps a separation is in order. You still have a lot of growing up to do and you are NOT ready for marriage.

[Marly F.]

I think your husband told your father what you did in order to shame you; no dad wants to hear that his daughter participated in a threesome while she was married! Your husband needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and a perhaps a separation is in order. You still have a lot of growing up to do and you are NOT ready for marriage.

 

My husband and my father are close, they talk to each other about everything.

 

And I don't want to leave my husband. He really does mean the world to me. He can be manipulative and aloof, but that's only to others. He treats me special.

[oldshirt]

. He treats me special.

 

 

Probably not anymore.

[MacdonaldNancy]

Every husband want another women even he is married. I believe that Every mother have first look but don't have the last look. Its a nature.

[Nyla]

Every husband want another women even he is married. I believe that Every mother have first look but don't have the last look. Its a nature.

 

Having a hard time understanding this post.

 

What do mothers have to do with cheating?

 

We all get tempted, but it is what we do with the temptation that matters.

 

Sexy men hit on me but I turn away because I am married and I love my husband.

 

I expect the same from my husband or anyone else who has made a commitment.

[Darth Vader]

My husband and my father are close, they talk to each other about everything.

 

And I don't want to leave my husband. He really does mean the world to me. He can be manipulative and aloof, but that's only to others. He treats me special.

 

 

I want you to think about this, you had a 3 some, then you deny your husband the same thing you had.

 

Translation to your husband: "It's ok for me to do it, but, not for you!" Do you realize you come across as a hypocrite to him? You got to do things he can't or won't be allowed to do. That's part of the betrayal! At least in his mind! Another thing, perhaps he never had one of these 3 somes......

 

Keep in mind, I'm not advocating a 3 some, however, I'm showing you what your husband sees!

[Darth Vader]

This part is funny... so you couldn't stomach to see him with another woman but he has to stomach the idea that you had a threesome with two other guys...

 

I don't know where you people find the guts to be that selfish in your life...

 

 

I was thinking the same thing!

[Michael Johnson]

I was thinking the same thing!

 

I don't even know if this story is true or not as I don't see how can one be obsessive over their spouse's ex, but will readily get wasted and destroy their marriage by having a threesome with two men, then hypocritically reject their cuckolded husband's demand to also have a dip in the illegitimate "honey pot."

 

And I'm not even gonna expand on the appalling replies that are downright demeaning the husband by calling him a "petulant child" for being driven to the point of insanity by his wife, as if a husband has no right to be angry at all, much less ask to have a threesome himself! OP if your husband really wants to cheat, he surely doesn't need your permission after your quick willingness to jump into bed with so-called "best friends."

Edited January 6, 2013 by Michael Johnson

[Cinnabar]

I want to pipe up and say that your husband is in a crisis situation, and needs help. I agree with the posters a couple pages back who urge you to get crisis intervention.

 

Yours is an eerily lopsided situation, in my personal opinion. (Please disregard what I or anyone else says if we are wrong; clearly we do not know any of you and come with our own wagon loads of prejudices and projections.) On the one hand, you are ten years your husband's junior, and he far outguns you in sexual experience. On the other hand, he is psychologically so fragile and, I suspect, dependent on your relationship for identity and validation, that he spiraled from suicidal to dangerous self-mutilation when the relationship frayed. In that sense, he is probably even younger than you are mentally.

 

While emotional betrayal is devastating, as someone else pointed out earlier, healthy adults do not carve themselves up over it. While your infidelity can certainly be interpreted as immature -- and, for example, your half-unconscious wish to sabotage the relationship or address the sexual imbalance - you seem to know your own mind and can articulate your wishes clearly and forcefully e. g., your unwillingness to have a threesome. In that sense, your husband was teetering on the brink long before any of this happened.

 

(It does not compute, by the way, that you would know each other in elementary school if there is a ten-year difference between you. Or do you just mean that you were seven and he was a teenager?)

 

Does your father know about your husband's cutting? Does that form part of their intimacy? If so, then your father's silent treatment of you is very dangerous, as he is ignoring the gravest problem on hand. He needs to be working with both of you.

 

I personally think you are still very young and married too early. I don't mean to say that there are no twenty-year-olds out there who can stay steadfast and faithful forever, or that you should not make the best effort in the world to honor your marriage vows. However, as a 44-yo woman whose 14-year marriage has recently outgrown some serious problems, I am biased, as I married relatively late (although I certainly did not think so, and had not planned on it fervently as did many other women in my age group.)

 

In a word, you are probably in a very difficult position, having been made responsible for the very survival of your lover. This is not a fair position for anyone to be in; nobody is THAT mature. Moreover, it's got failure built into it, since he is the only person, in the end, who gets to decide whether he wishes to live.

 

To tell you that you shouldn't have let yourself get looped into this unhealthy dynamic with your husband is beside the point, unless he hid his cutting from you before the marriage. Now that you are in and he's exhibiting these behaviors, you've got to get help. Heck, I am twice your age and this would reduce me to a shivering babbling mess. The best thing you can do is to contact a crisis intervention specialist right now. Whatever good you can do your husband would have to be in sync with what those folks can do. Don't try to be his savior.

 

I wish you the best. Turn the guilt you feel to some good use, get help, get better. You are young, and the world is before you. Learn from your mistakes, and make them work for you and those you love.

[Cinnabar]

I've definitely noticed there are at least two camps in this world: some folks are insecure about exes and obsess over them, and others aren't. In my own case, our exes came to our two weddings (we had one in the US and one in Europe, since that's where my husband is from.) He is still in touch with a couple of his exes sporadically, although the ties are not deep.

 

I personally am very grateful that my husband had so many relationships and lovers. I had far fewer. I am a deeply distrusting person when it comes to love; I love people as friends, but cannot form romantic attachments easily, as I don't want to get hurt. He, on the other hand, was very eager to love and be loved, and was not afraid to try. You can see the marks these women left on him. Angela (these are not their real names) taught him to give hot chocolate to a girl brought low that time of the month; Blanche showed him sparkling Gallic wit; Francoise laughed at his sexual pretensions after enjoying a rampant Spaniard, and he is man enough (eventually) to share the joke with me, and is probably no worse for it in bed.

 

I am not afraid of his revisiting these ties because he shared the root problems with me. Now, he is very respectful about these relationships, and does not share intimate details. (The Spaniard joke was on him and so he was free to talk about it.) But he thought long and hard about why they didn't work out, because he never wants to repeat the same mistakes again, so he would speak candidly about their incompatibilities. And I could feel his anguish, and my heart would go out to him. I used to be a bit piqued about his not telling me everything, but now that I am older, I understand fully, and think he is truly honorable to safeguard their common memories. But it seems crystal clear to me that he would get much more out of a brand new woman than poking around inside old wounds. (He is a very handsome Nordic type, and attracting women would not be difficult.)

 

Why doesn't it hurt me that he loved others? It's hard to explain. I think it's because his candor shows exactly how the sediments of these relationships formed him. I get a much richer, more real portrait of him across space and time through his past, and there is more of him to love, like a growing coral reef. He is relentlessly fair, always assigning blame to himself where blame was due, and accounting for circumstances where neither was at fault. And he's been so consistent. He always strove to give them everything he got, the same way he does with me. That gives me confidence; so long as I don't mess up, he would give me his best shot.

 

My insecurity was primarily about the women he attracts here and now, and that was one of the issues we had to fight through. To be fair, however, he did not give me cause to doubt him; it was my own doing.

 

As for my experience, we agree that in my more limited repertoire, there was enough blame to go around, and left it at that. Exactly the same as his, really - I just didn't get out there much, that's all.

 

In the final balance, then, our experiences have been a blessing for the relationship. May not apply in everyone else's case - just my two cents.

[Sauron]

What a messy situation. For all you BS people that advocate confession no matter what is the way to go, consider this situation.

 

Wifey should have kept her mouth shut and chalked it up to alcoholic mistake and it would have faded in time to tolerable to live with. But since she didn't she should have found a woman willing and gave the same thing to her Husband and maybe he wouldn't have went bat ***** crazy. Oldshirt has it right you have total f^&1ed him as a man, you might as well cut off his balls.

 

Good luck to you, perhaps you can fix this and if you can't life will go on for you both.