I'm terrified of letting her go and moving on

[UppercutHook]

Just throwing it out there that for what it's worth in relations to my qualms: I'm 21-years-old, male.

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 5 years. I really thought she and I were going to get married. We battled through every obstacle, every bit of adversity and climbed over every ‘wall’ that obstructed us. We did it all together. Now it’s all over, and we won’t be getting back together, ever. In fact, I’ll never hear from her again, according to the last thing she ever told me a couple of months ago when she simply said, “I wish you a long and happy life”. The relationship didn’t end all that well, and the ‘closure’ that I got wasn’t great, but the demise of the relationship is solidified and we are done for good. Five years down the drain. All the memories, gone.

 

Sure, five years may not be a lot to people who have been together for 15-20+ years, but keep in mind that I’m a young buck. 21 years old. This should be ‘good news’ for me, with people saying “Ah, you are just a kid, hardly even alive at that age, barely an adult… go out and experience”.

 

I was in 2 different relationships (at different times, obviously) before her that only lasted 4-6 months a piece, but I loved neither of the girls.

 

I don’t know how to handle losing her. I didn’t expect it. I’m terrified of moving on. I am TERRIFIED, SCARED TO DEATH, of living the rest of my life without her. So much anxiety has been running through me. I am averse to wanting to let go. Scared to let go, in the simplest terms. I keep thinking of the idea of living the rest of my life without her being a part of it, and letting her go and never hearing from her again.

 

I committed a love crime. I checked her Facebook. She’s with another guy. Words cannot describe the pain. I closed my laptop down and literally just laid in my bed for 5-8 hours. Slept some, stared at the ceiling for a longer period of time. I love her. I love her with every fiber in my being. I want her to be happy, and if her being with him makes her happy, then so be it. That’s the truest love, but I’m selfishly in pain on my behalf.

 

I feel like I’m going to be madly in love with her forever.

 

I want to let go, but at the same time I don’t want to let go. I’m scared to death. I’m terrified of letting go. I’m scared to never be able to see her ever again. But if seeing her means that I have to see her with another guy, then I can’t do it.

 

How do I man up and let her go? I NEED to let her go. There’s no way around it. It’s just that I’m scared to death of letting her go and never hearing from or seeing her again. It’s the most depressing feeling I’ve ever felt.

[Pirouette]

So how many 'obstacles, walls, and times of adversity' did you have in this relationship?

 

I'll tell you that you will get over it and that you will meet someone new, but I know it's little consolation right now.

[th90]

How long exactly has it been since your break up?

 

What I can tell you is I felt the same way you are now in the first few weeks of my BU. I was afraid. The whole thing terrified me, the past, present and future.

 

Then I realized and learnt so much out of it. The key is to let go. But how to do it you asked? It's all within the will power that you have in your mind.

 

Are you being completely honest that you're happy she's happy with someone else? It's okay if you aren't. It's normal. Deep inside we may wish them happiness but it actually hurts us just as much. If you're being honest about it, I'm happy for you.

 

First acceptance must come. Accept that it's over and don't look back. Allow healing. Different individuals have different ways to make themselves feel better during healing. Some meditate, some party, do whichever end of the extremities that make you feel better. Keep busy and you'll think less of her each day without even realizing it.

 

When you feel like you're so terrified you could no longer breathe, close your eyes and take several deep breaths. Calm yourself down and say "it's over". Repeat until you feel better. Then remind yourself that you will only get better if you let her go. The only way to set yourself free is to let go.

 

Realize that this is only temporary. You won't feel like this forever. Keep positive thoughts. Good luck. I hope I helped even just a little.

[UppercutHook]

So how many 'obstacles, walls, and times of adversity' did you have in this relationship?

Thanks for replying. Many. I could elaborate, but it would be a wall of text, and it's irrelevant to this post. I'm trying (and I need to) to let her go and get over my fear of living the rest of my life without her, not regale you the details of why I already had visible gray hair by 18. One of the biggest reasons that I'm finding it difficult to continue moving on is because of our extreme support for one another. I reckon I made the mistake of becoming a little too 'codependent' in a way. She was always there for me, and I was always there for her. That was a beautiful thing.

[UppercutHook]

How long exactly has it been since your break up?

Late August.

 

What I can tell you is I felt the same way you are now in the first few weeks of my BU. I was afraid. The whole thing terrified me, the past, present and future.

What about a few months? Too long for me, isn't it?

 

Then I realized and learnt so much out of it. The key is to let go. But how to do it you asked? It's all within the will power that you have in your mind.

Thanks. I need to learn and develop the willpower to let go of her. Every time I think about doing it or make the decision to do it, there's this huge anxiety that overcomes me and stops everything.

 

Are you being completely honest that you're happy she's happy with someone else? It's okay if you aren't. It's normal. Deep inside we may wish them happiness but it actually hurts us just as much. If you're being honest about it, I'm happy for you.

I'm not happy that she's with somebody else by any means, but I want her to be happy. Obviously I'd rather her be happy with me, but that's not the case. I never want to see her with somebody else, but I saw the pics. Shook me to my core. Not happy about that. But I just want her to be happy and safe. Wherever she decides to be. Another thing that scares the hell out of me is the idea of moving on and never knowing if she's alright. I know the typical response is "Why should you even care? You are not together anymore!" but just because we broke up doesn't automatically obstruct me from continuing to love her and care about her immensely.

 

First acceptance must come. Accept that it's over and don't look back. Allow healing. Different individuals have different ways to make themselves feel better during healing. Some meditate, some party, do whichever end of the extremities that make you feel better. Keep busy and you'll think less of her each day without even realizing it.

I've accepted that it's over, but I haven't accepted that I'm never going to see or hear from her ever again. But that goes hand in hand... I've kept myself busy, but then night time comes. Quietness. Time to think. And the morning, waking up and she comes straight to my mind. I need to break the habit and replace those thoughts with something else.

 

When you feel like you're so terrified you could no longer breathe, close your eyes and take several deep breaths. Calm yourself down and say "it's over". Repeat until you feel better. Then remind yourself that you will only get better if you let her go. The only way to set yourself free is to let go.

 

Realize that this is only temporary. You won't feel like this forever. Keep positive thoughts. Good luck. I hope I helped even just a little.

Thanks for the reply, and yes, you definitely did help. There's no other option than to just let go and come to terms with it all.

[SleeplessRomantic]

Reading in between the lines here, one can tell that she doesn't want you in her life. You keep repeating "I'm never ever going to hear from her again and I'm certain of that". I'm going to be blunt, because I've been hurt by somebody that didn't want me in their lives period, so I am just going to ask: why can't you let go of a girl that doesn't want to be with you anymore?

 

A man that feels like he can't be without a woman, a certain woman in particular that no longer wants to be with him, is a terrible thing. Do a YouTube search for the video "Joe Rogan on Women and Relationships" (something of the sorts). It's a great video and makes perfect sense before he goes off on a tangent about Marvin Gaye in the end.

 

You will move on and find somebody else, even better, and you will be happier in the long run. She wasn't the one, and if she was, then you two wouldn't have broken up. As the saying goes, "it's called a breakup because it's broken"!

 

I also saw this from a 2010 post on here:

 

"But in the end, it really does come down to time.

It doesn't matter how much you do, what you do, once a good while goes by you have no other choice.

One must accept it is over. Seriously, what is waiting around doing? what is hoping doing? Its not bringing anyone any closer to anything.

Reality starts to sink in.

They aren't coming back.

As a matter of fact, they aren't even thinking of you."

[BurntBroski]

You'll care less about and think about her (less) in the long run as time ensues and you meet other girls (so, go out, and meet other girls, man!)

[mgce]

I went out two nights ago with my ex-girlfriend and her friends. We had a fantastic time, all of us. My ex's boyfriend showed up at some point (I gave him a hug). I showed her pictures of my new girlfriend, and my gf's crazy hat. We laughed, danced, hugged, swapped stories, had a great night together, then went our separate ways home full of good vibes and planning to hang out again soon.

 

She and I had dated for 5 years. We lived together. We were probably codependent. When she broke up with me it destroyed me. I was terrified of my future and convinced I would never love again; that that was the only chance I'd get, that that was it for me. I cried myself awake every morning for months. When I found out she was dating just weeks after we broke up, the pain cut 100 times as deep. I couldn't talk to her and we were on horrible terms, not speaking at all, for years. I still remember a certain multi-month period as one of the worst periods of my life, ever.

 

My how long ago that feels, now. Cut back to the present. Dancing with her and her friends, swapping stories about our respective love interests, loving each other as friends, going home our separate ways but feeling great about it. It's fantastic. It's absolutely fantastic. The pain is so far long gone it wouldn't even occur to me to recollect it if I weren't trying to console someone on an online breakup forum.

 

You'll get there too. As everyone's always saying, time is the key. Just accept the rollercoaster ride as it is, enjoy the ups, scream at the downs, get jittery at the loops, knowing one day it will all end. And you'll look back and think "wow, that was quite a ride".

[UppercutHook]

I went out two nights ago with my ex-girlfriend and her friends. We had a fantastic time, all of us. My ex's boyfriend showed up at some point (I gave him a hug). I showed her pictures of my new girlfriend, and my gf's crazy hat. We laughed, danced, hugged, swapped stories, had a great night together, then went our separate ways home full of good vibes and planning to hang out again soon.

 

She and I had dated for 5 years. We lived together. We were probably codependent. When she broke up with me it destroyed me. I was terrified of my future and convinced I would never love again; that that was the only chance I'd get, that that was it for me. I cried myself awake every morning for months. When I found out she was dating just weeks after we broke up, the pain cut 100 times as deep. I couldn't talk to her and we were on horrible terms, not speaking at all, for years. I still remember a certain multi-month period as one of the worst periods of my life, ever.

 

My how long ago that feels, now. Cut back to the present. Dancing with her and her friends, swapping stories about our respective love interests, loving each other as friends, going home our separate ways but feeling great about it. It's fantastic. It's absolutely fantastic. The pain is so far long gone it wouldn't even occur to me to recollect it if I weren't trying to console someone on an online breakup forum.

 

You'll get there too. As everyone's always saying, time is the key. Just accept the rollercoaster ride as it is, enjoy the ups, scream at the downs, get jittery at the loops, knowing one day it will all end. And you'll look back and think "wow, that was quite a ride".

Thanks for sharing your story. I wish I could say that I will reconnect with her but I'm 100% sure that I will never hear from her again. "Never say never" is a popular adage, but absolute certainty is something that I feel considering the type of person she is. When she's finished with something, no matter what endeavor, she's done with it.

 

I'm terrified of letting her go and moving on in my life. I'm scared to death of living the rest of my life without her. How do I man up, get over the fear and move on without feeling a huge void/hole in my heart?

[th90]

Thanks for sharing your story. I wish I could say that I will reconnect with her but I'm 100% sure that I will never hear from her again. "Never say never" is a popular adage, but absolute certainty is something that I feel considering the type of person she is. When she's finished with something, no matter what endeavor, she's done with it.

 

I'm terrified of letting her go and moving on in my life. I'm scared to death of living the rest of my life without her. How do I man up, get over the fear and move on without feeling a huge void/hole in my heart?

 

When there's a will, there's a way.

 

You will get over the fear with time. The fact is you are already living your life without her now. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. You need to think positively.

 

When my ex broke up with me, I felt like a big chunk of my heart died with the relationship. Even now it's still very fresh to me but the choices are all in our hands. I choose to accept and start healing days later and try to be happy again. Just give it time and not rushing things.

 

Staying positive is extremely essential. I was very demotivated but I picked myself up for the most important person in my life, my mum.

 

If you find bedtime the hardest, then do something about it. Take control of your mind. The best way to improve your ability to control your thoughts is through meditation, at least it works for me. I have strict rules set up for myself to make sure I'd be able to sleep well at night. I was rather imsomniac previously.

 

This fear that you have is nothing but a state of your mind. You can and will get rid of it with strong willpower. Time works as the catalyst. Unless you develop psycho-somatic symptoms then please consult a doctor.

 

Again, you can find a lot of support and encouraging words on LS. But you ain't gonna progress if you don't make the effort to.

[datdude]

I'm at my own fork in the road right now. Although only a month since I got my heart broken after four years, it has been unbearable. I also envisioned spending the rest of my life with her. The thoughts that go through my head vary from hour to hour... the hope of getting back together kills me, and the thought of someone throwing all that we built together away makes me sick to my stomach.

 

You genuinely feel the way that you do simply because you shared over a quarter of your life with someone that chooses to not have you in it any longer. Every time it seems that I take a step forward, onward in my recovery... I find a way to dwell on what we had, what I had planned and my life with her.

 

I know you're hurting. Maybe it's hard to even picture this... but if you thought this was great, just imagine how amazing it will be when you really find that one person. The truth is, you can't control how this girl feels.

 

Just trust who you are. Believe in what you can offer and trust that there is someone out there who will wholeheartedly appreciate you for that.... no matter how imperfect you are, or how tough the times are.

 

I definitely feel your pain. Be strong.

[UppercutHook]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. Just gotta push forward and move on, realize that she wasn't 'all that' (and if she were, we'd be together today) and do everything possible to not remind myself of her.

 

Does anyone else dread New Years Eve? Or at least the New Years countdown? I'll be with my family tomorrow night, and I just have this despondent feeling about watching the New Year 'arrive' without her. It's going to be different.

[sangel07]

and I just have this despondent feeling about watching the New Year 'arrive' without her. It's going to be different.

 

It'll be the same for your birthday or any other similar event that you would have shared with her. You need to go through this stuff and slowly get used to it, until it will be familiar and not so scary anymore. Experience will be your most powerful weapon here, but it takes time to get it. Hang in there!

[crashvector]

First of all...five years IS a long time...no matter how old you are.

 

I'm about to be 36 in what...2 weeks...and my fiance of 5 years just ended our relationship 3 days ago.

 

Five years is a long time.

 

first of all, STOP checking her facebook. Look, I learned this from my divorce: You DONT want to know what she's doing.

 

Yeah, i know you do...but you really DONT. I promise you this...it will only bring you more pain that you want to deal with right now.

 

The feeling of being scared and terrified at having to move on...is universal. I'm 15 years older than you...and I feel the EXACT same way right now I *promise* you.

 

She has already moved on.

 

I have an uncle who has been married FIVE times. FIVE. One of the smartest things I have ever heard was "If she has someone else, you need to realize it was over LONG before you even knew it was."

 

Meaning: she was already interested in this new guy before she even broke it off with you...she just spend the last 6 months of the relationship trying to figure out a way to end it, or trying to build up the courage, or waiting for you to make some small mistake that she could use as a SOMEWHAT legitimate reason to dump you.

 

I know that's harsh my brother....and I KNOW it does not make you feel even one TINY bit better...but it IS true.

 

I, too, am facing the cold, hard, stone wall of reality.

 

No matter how scared you are....or how empty you are....or how you would give anything including the heart beating in your chest to have her back..she is GONE.

 

Hell...I can't even type that to YOU without making myself cry over the loss of my fiance, but I promise you...she's gone.

 

I am hoping you find some solace and are able to slowly ease your pain. Just know there are quite a few of us younger than you, the same age as you, and even older than you...that are right here...going through the very same thing.

 

I dont know you...but my heart breaks for your pain. I pray you find comfort somehow.

[UppercutHook]

First of all...five years IS a long time...no matter how old you are.

 

I'm about to be 36 in what...2 weeks...and my fiance of 5 years just ended our relationship 3 days ago.

 

Five years is a long time.

 

first of all, STOP checking her facebook. Look, I learned this from my divorce: You DONT want to know what she's doing.

 

Yeah, i know you do...but you really DONT. I promise you this...it will only bring you more pain that you want to deal with right now.

 

The feeling of being scared and terrified at having to move on...is universal. I'm 15 years older than you...and I feel the EXACT same way right now I *promise* you.

 

She has already moved on.

 

I have an uncle who has been married FIVE times. FIVE. One of the smartest things I have ever heard was "If she has someone else, you need to realize it was over LONG before you even knew it was."

 

Meaning: she was already interested in this new guy before she even broke it off with you...she just spend the last 6 months of the relationship trying to figure out a way to end it, or trying to build up the courage, or waiting for you to make some small mistake that she could use as a SOMEWHAT legitimate reason to dump you.

 

I know that's harsh my brother....and I KNOW it does not make you feel even one TINY bit better...but it IS true.

 

I, too, am facing the cold, hard, stone wall of reality.

 

No matter how scared you are....or how empty you are....or how you would give anything including the heart beating in your chest to have her back..she is GONE.

 

Hell...I can't even type that to YOU without making myself cry over the loss of my fiance, but I promise you...she's gone.

 

I am hoping you find some solace and are able to slowly ease your pain. Just know there are quite a few of us younger than you, the same age as you, and even older than you...that are right here...going through the very same thing.

 

I dont know you...but my heart breaks for your pain. I pray you find comfort somehow.

Thanks for the great reply. I wish I didn't miss her. The pain hits so hard, especially when I'm driving and out&about. We'd go everywhere. I have a memory at seemingly every place. Breaking down and eating COLD french fries, once being inside a convenient store for almost an hour trying to decide what kind of snacks to get once, going out on New Years Eve in the past and staying out until 11AM the next day, restaurants, stores, theaters, etc. etc. etc. I have a memory emanating from every place, and they hit so hard and the pain doesn't seem to lessen.

 

It sucks, plain and simple.