Wife is leaving

[ioudas]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am kind of depressed and lonely. Not sure what to do with my self. My wife of almost 3 years is leaving me and taking our daughter away. She says she doesnt feel like she is happy and our marriage is un healthy. I have tried to change and do things for her and its never enough. I just want my daughter to have a good life. I wish i had someone to talk this through with.

 

Seems like there is no fix for anything. Im not sure what to do.

 

I also found out she has setup dating profiles on sites. Seems like i am going to never have a chance with my daughter to have a real life.

 

Makes me want to give in..

 

-Greg

[ioudas]

All, im not sure what dark moons problem is.. im just going to ignore dark. Cause frankly dark is weird and has some agenda. The reasons she left me are as follows:

 

1) She and I fight too much regarding finances and relationship issues

2) She doesnt see her self with a husband who she says is manipulating and controlling

3) She doesnt want to be with me because of our fights. Apparently i disagree with her in ways she doesnt find acceptable. IE i wont respond to an ultimatum/threat

 

 

She says she didnt cheat on me but yet cant explain why she created the dating profile sites

 

I find this all a huge shock. Back ground story... I met her married her very quickly 3 years ago and got married after a month and did my best by her. We have moved 3 times within 3 years and have had a house medical problems, etc. I bought us a house with 19 acres up here in maine. I got her a car, paid her debts down. I thought i was doing all the right things. I have a high stress but a good paying job. I pay for everything she needs. I take care of my daughter and love her. I admit sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes i have health issues. She is a stay at home mom, But it was nothing that i assumed someone would leave someone over in terms of problems. Every time we argue its about how i dont treat her right. Yet i dont abuse her, hit her and i dont understand how i control her. I am a computer programmer by trade and i could easily read her email and stuff. Yet i dont... She takes everything I say personally and like its a slight or manipulation of her. I know i did my best that I could but lately all we do is fight since we had our daughter. She has had a whole host of anger problems as well. Our last few fights she has thrown items at me.

 

We have had a lot of financial issues as well. Esp with the moves and the house payments.

 

I think all of it is too much too fast for her. She had tried to leave a month ago before. Left for a week and came back to work things out.

 

 

I am so hurt.

[fonewear]

When you say she is leaving do you mean up and walking out or are in the process of getting a divorce?

[ioudas]

When you say she is leaving do you mean up and walking out or are in the process of getting a divorce?

 

She says her mother is picking her up after the next week and she is taking my daughter. After that she will serve me papers.

[darkmoon]

"i wont respond to an ultimatum/threat" why not? can't you say "ok"

 

nobody has gotten back to u but me, i hope they might, obviously

[ioudas]

"i wont respond to an ultimatum/threat" why not? can't you say "ok"

 

nobody has gotten back to u but me, i hope they might, obviously

 

They have but you deleted the post thread. Your response was to blame me about chores. How about you take your advice elsewhere?

 

Yet I cook for her. I do my own chores. These roles shift throught our relationship.

 

Guess that doesnt matter to you.

[Kelemvor]

She says her mother is picking her up after the next week and she is taking my daughter. After that she will serve me papers.

 

As long as you are legally married, she can't take the child from the house. If she wants to separate, then she will have to leave the marital domicile but your daughter stays unless you want her to go with your wife or until you work out the parental custody issues. If it's a "no fault" divorce in your state, and you contest it, I believe Maine requires marital counseling first. Either way, find a good lawyer for proper legal advice. It sounds as if she's been thinking about this for quite some time and is resolved on her course, so reparation is likely futile but she can't snatch your daughter from the house next week without your permission.

[ioudas]

As long as you are legally married, she can't take the child from the house. If she wants to separate, then she will have to leave the marital domicile but your daughter stays unless you want her to go with your wife or until you work out the parental custody issues. If it's a "no fault" divorce in your state, and you contest it, I believe Maine requires marital counseling first. Either way, find a good lawyer for proper legal advice. It sounds as if she's been thinking about this for quite some time and is resolved on her course, so reparation is likely futile but she can't snatch your daughter from the house next week without your permission.

 

Good to know. What do i do to stop her? Call the police? She took her for a week last time. She has this thing that ONLY she can care for her and I am a bad dad routine i am getting this weekly. Im worried she will try and claim something like I hit her. I also want it to work out. I am not sure if she should take her.

[Kelemvor]

Good to know. What do i do to stop her? Call the police? She took her for a week last time. She has this thing that ONLY she can care for her and I am a bad dad routine i am getting this weekly. Im worried she will try and claim something like I hit her. I also want it to work out. I am not sure if she should take her.

 

Without knowing the details, I would say find a lawyer as soon as possible to offer the best advice for what to do if/when that situation arises and to also protect yourself from potential litigation along the lines you seem to be insinuating. Yes, her best bet would be in painting you and/or the homestead as a dangerous environment for your daughter. Either way, you want what's best for your daughter and I would recommend making that the top priority, irrespective of the law. I'm really sorry to hear about the situation. I wish I had words of advice or a better reason for the "why"'s but unfortunately I don't. Hang in there, Greg.

 

I would find a lawyer though and quickly before they all take off for the holidays.

[CptSaveAho]

Looks like your wife is doing you a favor... I'd play the lottery tomorrow and you'd probably win

 

I'm sorry you have a kid in the middle of this but she is a loser

 

Doesnt work, married quick, anger problems, suckered a nice guy that takes care of her.

 

Your entire relationship was too much too fast.

[standtall]

ioudas....get an attorney and get an emergency order. Tell your wife that she is free to leave, but your daughter stays. If she says she doesn't care, then remind her that she is committing parental kidnapping and marital abandonment and that she will most likely lose custody over it. Have a friend videotape everything without interfering as she moves out with the daughter and make it clear that she does not have your consent as she removes your daughter from your home.

[ioudas]

ioudas....get an attorney and get an emergency order. Tell your wife that she is free to leave, but your daughter stays. If she says she doesn't care, then remind her that she is committing parental kidnapping and marital abandonment and that she will most likely lose custody over it. Have a friend videotape everything without interfering as she moves out with the daughter and make it clear that she does not have your consent as she removes your daughter from your home.

 

All,

 

She is leaving tomorrow with the Kid. I am not sure how i feel but its what we agreed on since I work all the time. Her parents are coming tomorrow.

 

Today she asked me if she wants to do christmas today since we wont be together tomorrow.

 

What a complete joke.

[standtall]

So what are you going to do about it? Stand around and watch?

[ioudas]

Well she left about 30 minutes ago. Family came up and told me that they were sad but if i ever needed anything to just call. I wasnt sure what to do. I could of acted like a dick and made it worse and shed be here.... but for how long and how much more money?

 

 

She will now be 120 miles away. I get to see her on weekends.

 

Which is good since i want to just curl up in a bottle.....

[ioudas]

So, its been a few days. No calls no emails. Been spending the days alone in our house.

 

Packed away her things, started cleaning.

 

Spent today alone. I am still holding on to the hope of contact but i am wondering if anything will ever go right.

 

=Greg

[Mack05]

The women that accuse you of being manipulative and controlling are gas lighting. In nearly all cases it's the woman that is the manipulator and controller. She accuses you because you are not fulfilling what she wants. Anytime you stand up to her she will then make these types of accusations.

 

I bet she idolised you at the start right? I bet she had a tough childhood right? I bet you are codepedent and have self esteem issues right?She is Highly sexual? Definitely at least 3 out of 4.

 

In my experience you cannot create a healthy satisfying relationship with a woman like this. They will suck the good out if you until there is nothing left. They will never be there for you when you need them. Women like this are wired in a different way. Trying to talk to them, compromise with them, work with them is pointless because they truly believe that you are 100% of the problem. They will never admit to wrong or having any faults. There are reasons for this.

 

They fall out of love quicker with you then they did falling in love with you. And when they leave they ain't ever coming back and can be quite cold and ruthless in doing so. I'm afraid there is nothing you can do (but trust me this is a good thing). A relationship like this will make you deeply unhappy and when it's over there are a lot of pieces to pick up.

 

If you want an explanation of her behaviour look up Borderline Personality Disorder (High functioning). If you want an explanation of your relationship dynamics look up codependent and Borderline Personality relationships. The most important thing now is to be the best dad you can be and to focus on your flaws so that you don't make the same mistakes in future. Be wary of this girl. She wil happily drag your name through the mud but you must not stoop to her level. Its a game you can't win.

 

It's a long tough path ahead. Focus on getting yourself happy and being the best dad you can be. Try stop remembering the good times. They are never coming back. You need to ram into you that she is wired differently and that you will NEVER get through to her. She will keep making the same mistakes, she will keep blaming everyone around her, she will keep playing the victim. Don't stay tangled in her web. Break free and live a better life..You want her for all the wrong reasons and if you get your self esteem back you will see why. Your job is not to fix her but to fix yourself..

Edited December 26, 2012 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Read this Codependency Is A Serious Problem For Relationships

 

While some of my exs had their issues I realised I wasn't going anywhere until I solved mine. I would be stunned if you are not codependent, insecure etc. Wheter u were being manipulative only you can answer that...But it requires honesty. Sometimes one is as bad as the other.

Edited December 26, 2012 by Mack05

[ioudas]

The women that accuse you of being manipulative and controlling are gas lighting. In nearly all cases it's the woman that is the manipulator and controller. She accuses you because you are not fulfilling what she wants. Anytime you stand up to her she will then make these types of accusations.

 

I bet she idolised you at the start right? I bet she had a tough childhood right? I bet you are codepedent and have self esteem issues right?She is Highly sexual? Definitely at least 3 out of 4.

 

In my experience you cannot create a healthy satisfying relationship with a woman like this. They will suck the good out if you until there is nothing left. They will never be there for you when you need them. Women like this are wired in a different way. Trying to talk to them, compromise with them, work with them is pointless because they truly believe that you are 100% of the problem. They will never admit to wrong or having any faults. There are reasons for this.

 

They fall out of love quicker with you then they did falling in love with you. And when they leave they ain't ever coming back and can be quite cold and ruthless in doing so. I'm afraid there is nothing you can do (but trust me this is a good thing). A relationship like this will make you deeply unhappy and when it's over there are a lot of pieces to pick up.

 

If you want an explanation of her behaviour look up Borderline Personality Disorder (High functioning). If you want an explanation of your relationship dynamics look up codependent and Borderline Personality relationships. The most important thing now is to be the best dad you can be and to focus on your flaws so that you don't make the same mistakes in future. Be wary of this girl. She wil happily drag your name through the mud but you must not stoop to her level. Its a game you can't win.

 

It's a long tough path ahead. Focus on getting yourself happy and being the best dad you can be. Try stop remembering the good times. They are never coming back. You need to ram into you that she is wired differently and that you will NEVER get through to her. She will keep making the same mistakes, she will keep blaming everyone around her, she will keep playing the victim. Don't stay tangled in her web. Break free and live a better life..You want her for all the wrong reasons and if you get your self esteem back you will see why. Your job is not to fix her but to fix yourself..

 

Mack,

 

Thanks for a great reply. Yes you are right on many levels. 4 out of 4. Our last fights were her mad at me for standing up to her and telling her that I wont accept her anger or hostility.

 

I know now that we cant go back. I know that it wont be the same and chances are nothing is ever gonna get us back to where we first were. My main problems with her is she accepts zero responsibility for any action yet wants control over everything.

 

Now to work on me.... and all i wanna do is curl up in a ball.

[Downtown]

My main problems with her is she accepts zero responsibility for any action yet wants control over everything.

Ioudas, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with everything Mack has said. The behaviors you're describing -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, push-away and pull-back behavior, and very controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior my exW has -- and which Mack is very familiar with. Yet, if your exGF has that particular pattern, she also would likely exhibit many other traits. I therefore ask whether you have often seen most of the following behaviors:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined);
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and that you are the only one that has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence (e.g., her conviction that you had been stalking her).
  

If any of those behaviors ring a bell, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are most accurate. Take care, Ioudas.

[ioudas]

Ioudas, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with everything Mack has said. The behaviors you're describing -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, push-away and pull-back behavior, and very controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior my exW has -- and which Mack is very familiar with. Yet, if your exGF has that particular pattern, she also would likely exhibit many other traits. I therefore ask whether you have often seen most of the following behaviors:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined);
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and that you are the only one that has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence (e.g., her conviction that you had been stalking her).
  

If any of those behaviors ring a bell, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are most accurate. Take care, Ioudas.

 

Jesus.... lets see...

 

Yes to all except #4. We had the usual amount of #4 when we first got together. #17 i only saw so much of when we would go to meet her friends. I still am not sure if thats the normal amount.

 

Looking at these there are a lot on this list i didnt see and now are clearly prominent to me after reading. Some of our fights would be about binge spending. In fact a lot of our problems relate to spending....

 

Some are so bad that i can recount them still as they were here. I didnt put a lot of this together. I could tell she got mad easily. She would throw objects at me during a fight, freak out over the smallest things, etc.

 

I fear the comments from Mack there is no way to make any of this better.

 

The simple fact she hasnt called since sunday and it will soon be a week tells me she doesnt view me in a good light.

 

I miss her badly.

[Downtown]

Yes to all except #4.

Ioudas, all of these behaviors -- as Mack has already pointed out -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). You are fortunate to have attracted Mack's attention because he has much first-hand experience with this disorder.

 

Significantly, BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means that we all have all of the BPD traits to some degree. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the basic BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. These traits are universal because they arise from primitive ego defenses that we all use in early childhood -- and occasionally throughout adulthood -- in order to survive. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's ability to maintain long term relationships.

 

Importantly, only a professional can diagnose your W (i.e., determine if her BPD traits are so severe that she meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, even when the traits fall well below that level, they can still be strong enough to undermine a relationship and make your life miserable. At issue, then, is whether most of your W's BPD traits are at a strong level.

 

I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you recognize a strong occurrence of BPD traits when and if it happens. As you've already seen, it is easy to spot the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of BPD traits) when they appear. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, vindictiveness, temper tantrums, and blame-shifting.

I fear the comments from Mack there is no way to make any of this better.

True. If your W has strong BPD traits, you cannot fix it. She must be willing to spend years working in therapy to learn how to manage her emotions, how to intellectually challenge her intense feelings, how to stop hating herself, how to take responsibility for her own actions, and how to do self soothing. There are numerous therapy programs available to teach BPDers how to do exactly that but, sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to seek therapy. And, in the rare cases where they do, it is unusual for them to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.

 

If your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a total waste of time -- until she has had several years of IC to learn how to manage her anger and other emotions. The issues you describe go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills.

 

I therefore suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. Because BPD is a possibility, your best chance of obtaining a candid view of your W's issues is to see a professional who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. Therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection). This is why I recommend that you see YOUR OWN psychologist to obtain a candid assessment of what you are dealing with.

 

I further suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my description of them in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. And Mack is well aware of those resources too.

[Mack05]

Downtown is the man! What we both know from our experiences (especiallly DT) is you have NO IDEA just how tough it is to detangle from their web. Seriously! no idea, no matter how strong you think you are right now.

 

I sent my ex a happy Christmas. Not to get her back. Just to let her know I will always care. I know just because she suffers from BPD, doesn't mean she is not a good person.

 

I don't believe in her crazy anger, she realizeses the extend of what she does. That's the frustrating part. These girls ain't bad girls. They just dont belong to our kind of personalities, especially when we are working towards emotional health (which is a HUGE battle on its own). Whatever happens NEVER diagnose her! she can't look directly into the mirror of her soul and even if we are 99% sure we are right, most if us are not professionals.

 

Our job is not to figure what is good for them or feel pity. Our job is too see the many obvious red flags. Our job is to feel pity for ourselves, figure out how the best way for forward us. When you we accomplish this...awesome. Just include your whole life around your little girl..Lead by example..

Edited December 27, 2012 by Mack05

[standtall]

Ioudas, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with everything Mack has said. The behaviors you're describing -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, push-away and pull-back behavior, and very controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior my exW has -- and which Mack is very familiar with. Yet, if your exGF has that particular pattern, she also would likely exhibit many other traits. I therefore ask whether you have often seen most of the following behaviors:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined);
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and that you are the only one that has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence (e.g., her conviction that you had been stalking her).
  

If any of those behaviors ring a bell, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are most accurate. Take care, Ioudas.

 

This list is the result of "click in paste" internet scholars..so vague and general that 50% of the population has one or more of the behaviors.

 

Okay iuostas...maybe/maybe not this list can help you diagnose what your soon to be ex suffers from. ..so what. Are you going to fix her? Accept her the way she is? Unless you take action with your new found info, then it is utterly pointless to ponder it. And, it appears that lack of action is exactly what you suffer from. She gets away with all of these behaviors because you allow her to do so..with no consequences. You allow her to treat you badly...you allow her to push you around. You allowed to her to walk out on the 23rd with your daughter...you allowed it!

 

Until you decide to stop being a doormat and stop your sniveling, then all this talk serves no purpose for you.

 

No more talk...do!

[ioudas]

This list is the result of "click in paste" internet scholars..so vague and general that 50% of the population has one or more of the behaviors.

 

Okay iuostas...maybe/maybe not this list can help you diagnose what your soon to be ex suffers from. ..so what. Are you going to fix her? Accept her the way she is? Unless you take action with your new found info, then it is utterly pointless to ponder it. And, it appears that lack of action is exactly what you suffer from. She gets away with all of these behaviors because you allow her to do so..with no consequences. You allow her to treat you badly...you allow her to push you around. You allowed to her to walk out on the 23rd with your daughter...you allowed it!

 

Until you decide to stop being a doormat and stop your sniveling, then all this talk serves no purpose for you.

 

No more talk...do!

 

 

Stand tall you are right. I think just realizing the list does help though. Right now im reeling and not in a frame of mind to even entertain anything. I am just so hurt and lost by whats happened that im having a hard time.

 

Update: Today she blocked me and my friends from FB.

 

I made a slip and had a friend message her to tell her i wanted to talk.

 

How do i stop being a doormat? File papers? Its hard I feel like if i am strong she will be pushed further away.

 

I am so lost.

 

On a side note i caught her on OK Cupid last week which was one of the final straws for me. As such i have setup an account and have been asked out on a date.

 

I am not sure if i should go just to get my confidence up or what.

[Mack05]

The hardest part to accept is that she is never coming back. Trust me women like this that see men chasing them hard find it a HUGE weakness and turn off. Indeed most women do.

 

These girls have zero compassion and empathy. As soon as they emotionally check out they dont look back in the rear view mirror. You are the father of your child and she blocks you! Do you really want such a cold woman in your life? Even if somehow she came back (which is highly unlikely) there is a very HUGE possibility of her leaving again. If you study the complexities of BPD you will understand why.

 

What everyone man should look for is a woman that loves him warts and all. Who you know will not quit on you when you go through the hard times. Who are not cruel and vicious when they are angry. Who properly understand what it takes to make a relationship work. You will NOT attract a girl like this without changing and working on your faults.

 

BPDERS will convince themselves that the next guy will be different. That she won't be angry. But if you have a false image of yourself, poor emotional control and u dont understand that true source of your anger, then you are just kidding yourself. These BPD girls are survivors. They have came from a tough life and more often then not you wonder how. Your respect for them never goes and you hope God can help them. They are tough cookies and while have a HUGE desire to be loved and are so sweet at the start, but whether you get months or years (depending how happy they are) who they truly are comes out and you are left confused hurt and devastated, wondering where the girl you loved went.

 

These girls gravity to Narcissists and codependents like bees to honey. The longer you keep chasing something that will probably never want you back the longer you delay focusing on yourself and educating yourself. You can't fix her. I repeat you can't fix her! You can fix yourself. Last year I dated a HIGH functioning BPDER. Downtown told me if I don't sort myself out that I would attract the exact type of girl. He was sooooo right, accept her BPD sympthons were off the chart compared to my first ex.

 

I have deliberately took a year off dating, just looking for friendships. I needed to understand my behaviours and my mistakes and what caused them. I needed to find internal happiness. Turned down plenty of dates. Before I got my confidence back women never asked me out. Now it's totally different. The ONLY fix is HARD work on you and letting her go. More often then not BPDERS move on very quickly not understanding the true role they played in the relationship failure. They live in denial because the truth is too hard to take so they bury it deep down. THats what causes the problems.Fooling others is a serious business, fooling yourself is fatal. IF you dont deal with feelings they run wild. I learnt a harsh lesson there..

 

With them they meet a guy, convinced he is the one only for the Same patterns to repeat. It's just a matter of time whether weeks, months or years. Afterall everyone want to be happy. Eventually when same cycle starts and they end up playing the victim and blaming the other partner for the relationship failure. They can't fix themselves. How can they fix something when they are 500% that you are the problem? It just matter how well you make your argument or no matter how many different points of you make, in their minds world is flat and their minds are not or changing.

 

The never justify past, current or future decisions of theirs, so if they have an inability to this then they can't be held accountable and if you can ever hold yourself accountable it's impossible to be in a healthy loving stable long term relationship. Their facade only lasts so long before the signs eventually start showing. Some people are too in love to see these signs, but because life is so hard with many ups and downs it's only a matter of time, before who they truly are shows..My ex always says about me how "my software is programmed and can't be changed". The irony of this is truly delicious. I have reprogrammed myself and how I deal with my insecurities and emotions. It's her software that can't be changed while she stays in denial.

 

You have such a hard battle ahead. She will be vicious. Ask yourself again why stAy with a sometimes cold callous person who will never change. This is only starting. You know need to come up with a plan that's best for you and your daughter...Focusing and pining for her will not help. Reasoning with her will not help. This is hard to hear, but I sadly everything I am telling you is true...

Edited December 27, 2012 by Mack05