Wife is leaving

[Gunny376]

Yeah, I agree Gunny. It is nice to see your posts here. I am now not sure if i should file or have her file.

 

I know its an addiction. I am still getting use to the day by day routines without her. I am not over her. I still think shes gonna walk through the door or send me an email. Saying how she wants to work it out.

 

Sounds like i should file for divorce.

 

Why not? I know more than just a couple of people men and women who have been married and divorced not only once, twice, three, but four times! To the Same person!

 

I asked one guy I know that had been married and divorced to the same woman FOUR TIMES! :confused: I asked him why in the world he would marry the same woman a fourth time that he had already been divorced from three times? He replied. "You've obviously have NEVER had sex with a crazy woman? :laugh:

 

Seriously, why not give her the "gift" of missing you? Why not working on getting your head and azz wired back together. Why not take the time to do those things you've always throught about and dreamed of? Why wait until your old and decrepit before you start working on your bucket list? Why bust your azz for forty years, making money, saving and investing and then go on that cruise or that vacation when your too old, too tired, having joint and back pain too great to enjoy it?

 

Its been my experience that women don't leave men on a whim. Usually the check out long before that actually physcially leave. Get busy living your life! Life is just too damn short!

[ZxExD]

Greg, I think it is Greg right?

 

I know you hurt, don't know which way is up, going over and over in your head anything and everything.

 

My quick story to give you some advice:

 

I have been separated from my soon to be Ex for 4 years and she filed for divorce Oct 9, 2012. It actually hurt and I was dumb founded. Don't know why, because there is no way in hell I would take her back, but she is not going to get custody of our son.

 

Now, I came to this sight to get some pointers and advice to prepare for the Mediation hearing January 31, and came across this thread and have only read this thread. I found out things I didn't know, I knew my soon 2BX was mental. LOL I want to thank everyone that has posted on this thread.

 

Greg, I am going through the divorce right now. I stay awake at night going through everything in my head. From what I have seen you type and say, you need to grow some balls. Excuse the phrase. Reading the text message you posted, you showed how weak you are by stating to her over and over how you miss her and telling her your sorry. Stop, this actually pushes her farther away for one thing. You have to be strong for yourself and daughter. Keep yourself busy, it helps.

 

From what you said, she is already gone, yes your pain is still there, but she is gone. Especially if she is on dating sites. Dude, let her go she is not worth the effort if she is already trying to hook up with another guy. Go file divorce and get DOCUMENTATION of everything. Everything she does, everything you do with your daughter, receipts, emails, text messages, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING DOCUMENTED. Photos, if she goes to bars when and where, with who.

 

She is already telling lies and throwing you under the bus just like my 2BX did. Watch what you say to her in text and email. Even over the phone, she could be taping you. Don't drink your sorrows away that might let your guard down or make you do something you will regret. It is all about what you can Prove and what she can Prove. Get a decent Lawyer and spend a little extra money on them. Don't just get a cheep one thats going to cost you more in the long run. You will also have other expenses, file fees, court fees, mediator fees, so start saving. With your daughter being young, might want to look into joint custody. In order for her to get full custody, she has to prove you unfit. Well, thats all I am going to post for now to you.

 

It will get better in a couple of weeks, oh and get a calendar and mark the days she calls, when you got to see your daughter, oh and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!

 

I will post a new thread here about what I went through and what is going on. Its not easy but from what I have seen, there are some good people here, DT, Mack.

 

Gunny you crack me up! Thanks!

[ioudas]

Greg, I think it is Greg right?

 

I know you hurt, don't know which way is up, going over and over in your head anything and everything.

 

My quick story to give you some advice:

 

I have been separated from my soon to be Ex for 4 years and she filed for divorce Oct 9, 2012. It actually hurt and I was dumb founded. Don't know why, because there is no way in hell I would take her back, but she is not going to get custody of our son.

 

Now, I came to this sight to get some pointers and advice to prepare for the Mediation hearing January 31, and came across this thread and have only read this thread. I found out things I didn't know, I knew my soon 2BX was mental. LOL I want to thank everyone that has posted on this thread.

 

Greg, I am going through the divorce right now. I stay awake at night going through everything in my head. From what I have seen you type and say, you need to grow some balls. Excuse the phrase. Reading the text message you posted, you showed how weak you are by stating to her over and over how you miss her and telling her your sorry. Stop, this actually pushes her farther away for one thing. You have to be strong for yourself and daughter. Keep yourself busy, it helps.

 

From what you said, she is already gone, yes your pain is still there, but she is gone. Especially if she is on dating sites. Dude, let her go she is not worth the effort if she is already trying to hook up with another guy. Go file divorce and get DOCUMENTATION of everything. Everything she does, everything you do with your daughter, receipts, emails, text messages, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING DOCUMENTED. Photos, if she goes to bars when and where, with who.

 

She is already telling lies and throwing you under the bus just like my 2BX did. Watch what you say to her in text and email. Even over the phone, she could be taping you. Don't drink your sorrows away that might let your guard down or make you do something you will regret. It is all about what you can Prove and what she can Prove. Get a decent Lawyer and spend a little extra money on them. Don't just get a cheep one thats going to cost you more in the long run. You will also have other expenses, file fees, court fees, mediator fees, so start saving. With your daughter being young, might want to look into joint custody. In order for her to get full custody, she has to prove you unfit. Well, thats all I am going to post for now to you.

 

It will get better in a couple of weeks, oh and get a calendar and mark the days she calls, when you got to see your daughter, oh and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!

 

I will post a new thread here about what I went through and what is going on. Its not easy but from what I have seen, there are some good people here, DT, Mack.

 

Gunny you crack me up! Thanks!

 

Yes it is Greg.

 

Jeeze, Its not been long since she left! I am doing about as good as I can... I managed to sleep in today. Soak up some me time and hung out with family. Took care of a couple other things. Made sure i took my medication, etc.

 

Started listing assets and stuff we owe.

 

So i have a plan and i am going to serve her after the holidays when i get my lawyer back and he is paid.

 

I know shes gone. We have only talked once since she left. We arent getting back together. I dont know if she will talk or call again. Either way im not interested in talking unless its about when i get to see my kid.

 

I am doing one step at a time. Its all I can do. I am for sure though still left in the motions.

 

But i appreciate the words. I have already checked in to how she would have to prove me unfit.. Which according to the lawyers ive talked to is impossible without a police report or pictures or a protection order.

 

I am having better days. I know i need to fight for Riley.

Edited December 30, 2012 by ioudas

[Downtown]

Greg, I suggest you delete that "R" name. Just in case she does a Google search. Never know what will come up. If she does have strong BPD traits, the D and custody battle likely will get very nasty very quickly.

[ZxExD]

Greg,

 

Sorry to be so straight forward, and after your reply, you sound much stronger. I am just trying to prepare you for what is to come. I have been going through this almost three months and all before the holidays. Haven't really been able to talk to anyone. I have no family, all I have is My Son.

 

The only person that told me it was going to be hard, stressful, costly was my Lawyer. It cost me $250 just to hear the crap my 2BX told her lawyer and how hurtful the lies were, to find out I have to watch everything I do, and pay her $3,000 to sign her as my lawyer to have her tell me that was just to start.

 

I hope the best for you Greg, and know this, your not alone.

 

Stay strong,

 

Michael

[bpdr]

Greg - been there, done that. You are getting very sound advice here, and trust me you are gonna need to follow through with solid action to heal from this experience. You seem to be going through the "Bargaining" phase, yet deep down you already know what you have to do. That's important now, especially since there is a child involved. The anxiety produced by the split, and moving daily into the unknown is about the most excruciating pain I think I have ever gone through. It literally can feel as if you are temporarily ripped from your soul momentarily - and in many respects, you are.

 

The life you once knew is gone. She is gone, along with the hopes and dreams of building your family as you once envisioned it. But, the reality of the situation requires that you accept this right away - and begin fighting back. These PD girls are vicious and very ruthless. Once turned against you, they prove to be as insidious as the illness itself. It's TOXIC. Mack and Downtown know this all too well - and I myself learned it first hand. Living through it is hard, and you seem to be understanding what you must do.

 

One thing about LS really helps during your crisis - and please try to utilize the NC and "Post Here" threads to help. You will find the swings of emotional healing and drifting back to "Simpler Times" when things were good will - be at times very dramatic and unnerving. Desist in ANY attempts of working out the D and custody issues with her - instead channel ALL correspondence through your L. If you think it was hard being married to a BPD'r - just wait to see what divorcing one is like! Think of it as a "Fluid" conflict more akin to war. Because that is exactly what is happening here.

 

She's gone now. Maintain your dignity by letting her know that game is up and that your daughter will be your priority during the ensuing process. Our stories here never end well with a PD. And, like Mack says - identifying the personality traits in someones story is opening a door into another realm. You can almost detect immediately what is going on, before you even read further. Your situation read almost nearly identical from the very start. You have to begin to consider her leaving as a true blessing in disguise. Her cold nature was very evident in the brief text exchange you two had.

 

Unequivocally, and absolutely this M is over. I know that hurts to hear - but for you to fully grasp that reality is important so that YOU can get better. The damage she has already done is enough and for sure there will be more to come before it's over. Macks take on it is spot on, and again you are getting very solid information on what's really going on in your M.

 

I too am grieving for your loss - because I have been there. It's painful, but you will get better I also trust. Slowly but surely over time you will find peace and end to this brutal phase in your life.

 

Good luck Greg...we are with you.

BP

[ioudas]

Greg, I suggest you delete that "R" name. Just in case she does a Google search. Never know what will come up. If she does have strong BPD traits, the D and custody battle likely will get very nasty very quickly.

 

How do i delete these? Seems like i cant?

[Downtown]

After a while, the edit function no longer works on an individual post. If you contact a moderator, however, he may change or delete the names for you if you explain your situation.

[ioudas]

After a while, the edit function no longer works on an individual post. If you contact a moderator, however, he may change or delete the names for you if you explain your situation.

 

If any mods could do this. It would be appreciated.

[Downtown]

If it is not removed, don't lose any sleep over it. I just did a Google search and Bing search -- using the G and R names together with other terms like "Carolina" and "borderline" -- and none of the LS posts came up. It nonetheless would be prudent to simply use "R" or "my son" instead of the name.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Downtown

[survivor74]

Holy crap, I just stumbled upon this thread and the whole thing reads like a biography of both me and my soon 2BX. Except my toxic marriage lasted 15 years during which I basically abandoned my whole identity, forfeited control of the finances to nearly disastrous ends, and became alienated from all my friends in order to preserve the peace... It's both comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with this, but also disturbing that I fit so neatly into a personality category (codependence in my case, not BPD).

 

I wish I had know about BPD six or so months ago when she started acting flaky (she latched onto a new guy at the same time). I could have realized then that she was already emotionally gone and saved myself a lot of misery. Now the new sucker is throwing money and attention at her hand-over-fist and making her momentarily happy. I hate to say it but don't be surprised if you find out later that there was already another man in her life.

 

Good luck to you Greg, it sounds like your break-up is going to be a little uglier than mine was. I'm about 2 months into the process and have gotten settlement/custody paperwork signed already and all that's left is for the process to go through the court. I'm learning how to accept help and care from other people without feeling like a burden and hopefully you are doing the same. If you have any close friends or family around you should look to one or more of them to be an advocate for you in dealing with the terms of the breakup. It's really easy to make bad decisions when you're emotional and whether you realize it or not, it impairs your ability to make logical decisions.

[Downtown]

Survivor, welcome to the LS forum. I'm glad to hear you found our experiences and the BPD information helpful. Thanks for registering here to reach out and share your experiences with us.

[ioudas]

Small update:

 

Spent the new year with family and did stay up to watch the ball drop(alone). Last couple days have been real hard. I am for sure in the depression stage. Find my self sleeping 12 hours at a time.

 

Tomorrow I will be setting up the first appointment for IC. Nervous about that.

 

I find my self now worrying about how im going to do taxes if i cant get my wifes ssn. Odd things. I also find my self just talking to friends a lot. If i cant find someone to pass the time I dwell on the situation. Sure isnt easy.

 

She has taken everything from me.

[Gunny376]

I find my self now worrying about how im going to do taxes if i cant get my wifes ssn.

 

Don't na' have to! In so long as you've got tha' children's SSNo.# you can file "Head Of Household" claiming yourself and tha' children. Get her done ASAP, and off into the IRS. The return that gets there first? Is the one that the IRS and State are going to recognize first! She then files un-knowingly? Its going to be a case of too bad to sad! :eek:

[ioudas]

I wonder if its a question for the attorney... I mean i did house her the entire year.... I did find my daughters SSN tucked away, but filed married 3 so i will be screwed I think. Wonder if i found my wifes ssn if i could just claim her. Some of me wants to have some form of communication. To work these issues out. I dont think it will happen. I am fighting the urge to send her an email about when i can see my daughter or about these issues.

 

I also have to pick an attorney Wednesday. I did the smart thing and called a bunch of places around the state. So she cant use them. Half of me wants to see if i am served the other half wants to serve her (or for it to just end) I am not sure if i should use the most expensive ones. As I have had conflicting advice from some lawyers. Nothing seems easy.

 

 

This whole deal seems so stupid. I feel like she checked out a while ago like you said and just used what ever to leave. I cannot believe it some days.

 

Today for sure is a weak day... I am waiting for something with a big red sign to happen. So i can react.

[ioudas]

Update: Found the ex's ssn on my tax return. Small victories mark this day!

[Downtown]

Congratulations on the SSN find and good luck tomorrow with the IC, Greg! Is he/her a psychologist?

[ioudas]

Congratulations on the SSN find and good luck tomorrow with the IC, Greg! Is he/her a psychologist?

 

Yes he is Downtown.

[ioudas]

Update:

 

Set counseling up for tuesday the 8th..

 

STBXW Contacted me after i sent her an email saying I would like to see our daughter.

 

She replied the next day saying she will be coming up saturday if I am free.

Interesting for sure. I have my brother coming over just to be there.

I imagine shes packing her last things. I still haven't received divorce papers or anything.

[Downtown]

Thanks for the update, G. Should be interesting to learn what the IC has to say about it all this Tuesday.

[ioudas]

Thanks for the update, G. Should be interesting to learn what the IC has to say about it all this Tuesday.

 

Got call from stbxw. She confirmed the intent to get the rest of her stuff ( which should be all of it... even though ive bought it...)

 

 

She let me talk to my daughter.... she said dad on the phone.

[ioudas]

Got call from stbxw. She confirmed the intent to get the rest of her stuff ( which should be all of it... even though ive bought it...)

 

 

She let me talk to my daughter.... she said dad on the phone.

 

Update:

 

Wife showed without child... too much of a trip I am told. Grabbed a few things (i left)

 

Looks like i am getting a lawyer monday. She expressed her intent for me to not see DD.

Edited January 5, 2013 by ioudas

[coffeebean201]

Just checking in to say 'hi' - and sending a hug your way!

[Downtown]

She expressed her intent for me to not see DD.

Bad bad sign. Greg, it sounds like the real ugliness is beginning with the withholding of your daughter. You have a busy beginning to the week -- with the attorney on Monday and the psychologist on Tuesday. Time to take off the gloves and leave them off, IMO. If she has strong BPD traits, she is incapable of appreciating ANY of your sacrifices or concessions. Instead, she feels entitled to them. This is why, with BPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"

[ioudas]

Bad bad sign. Greg, it sounds like the real ugliness is beginning with the withholding of your daughter. You have a busy beginning to the week -- with the attorney on Monday and the psychologist on Tuesday. Time to take off the gloves and leave them off, IMO. If she has strong BPD traits, she is incapable of appreciating ANY of your sacrifices or concessions. Instead, she feels entitled to them. This is why, with BPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"

 

 

Update:

 

Lawyer hired. Meet with him friday to fork over 3500 and to start our proceedings.

 

-G