Wife is leaving

[ioudas]

The hardest part to accept is that she is never coming back. Trust me women like this that see men chasing them hard find it a HUGE weakness and turn off. Indeed most women do.

 

These girls have zero compassion and empathy. As soon as they emotionally check out they dont look back in the rear view mirror. You are the father of your child and she blocks you! Do you really want such a cold woman in your life? Even if somehow she came back (which is highly unlikely) there is a very HUGE possibility of her leaving again. If you study the complexities of BPD you will understand why.

 

What everyone man should look for is a woman that loves him warts and all. Who you know will not quit on you when you go through the hard times. Who are not cruel and vicious when they are angry. Who properly understand what it takes to make a relationship work. You will NOT attract a girl like this without changing and working on your faults.

 

BPDERS will convince themselves that the next guy will be different. That she won't be angry. But if you have a false image of yourself, poor emotional control and u dont understand that true source of your anger, then you are just kidding yourself. These BPD girls are survivors. They have came from a tough life and more often then not you wonder how. Your respect for them never goes and you hope God can help them. They are tough cookies and while have a HUGE desire to be loved and are so sweet at the start, but whether you get months or years (depending how happy they are) who they truly are comes out and you are left confused hurt and devastated, wondering where the girl you loved went.

 

These girls gravity to Narcissists and codependents like bees to honey. The longer you keep chasing something that will probably never want you back the longer you delay focusing on yourself and educating yourself. You can't fix her. I repeat you can't fix her! You can fix yourself. Last year I dated a HIGH functioning BPDER. Downtown told me if I don't sort myself out that I would attract the exact type of girl. He was sooooo right, accept her BPD sympthons were off the chart compared to my first ex.

 

I have deliberately took a year off dating, just looking for friendships. I needed to understand my behaviours and my mistakes and what caused them. I needed to find internal happiness. Turned down plenty of dates. Before I got my confidence back women never asked me out. Now it's totally different. The ONLY fix is HARD work on you and letting her go. More often then not BPDERS move on very quickly not understanding the true role they played in the relationship failure. They live in denial because the truth is too hard to take so they bury it deep down. THats what causes the problems.Fooling others is a serious business, fooling yourself is fatal. IF you dont deal with feelings they run wild. I learnt a harsh lesson there..

 

With them they meet a guy, convinced he is the one only for the Same patterns to repeat. It's just a matter of time whether weeks, months or years. Afterall everyone want to be happy. Eventually when same cycle starts and they end up playing the victim and blaming the other partner for the relationship failure. They can't fix themselves. How can they fix something when they are 500% that you are the problem? It just matter how well you make your argument or no matter how many different points of you make, in their minds world is flat and their minds are not or changing.

 

The never justify past, current or future decisions of theirs, so if they have an inability to this then they can't be held accountable and if you can ever hold yourself accountable it's impossible to be in a healthy loving stable long term relationship. Their facade only lasts so long before the signs eventually start showing. Some people are too in love to see these signs, but because life is so hard with many ups and downs it's only a matter of time, before who they truly are shows..My ex always says about me how "my software is programmed and can't be changed". The irony of this is truly delicious. I have reprogrammed myself and how I deal with my insecurities and emotions. It's her software that can't be changed while she stays in denial.

 

You have such a hard battle ahead. She will be vicious. Ask yourself again why stAy with a sometimes cold callous person who will never change. This is only starting. You know need to come up with a plan that's best for you and your daughter...Focusing and pining for her will not help. Reasoning with her will not help. This is hard to hear, but I sadly everything I am telling you is true...

 

 

Update: Had contact with X

 

me: hey

Samantha: hi

me: how are you and riley

Samantha: good.

me: thats good.

do you wanna talk?

Samantha: about what?

me: anything

like how your christmas was

Samantha: good.

yours?

me: i missed you

didnt have one

george.... came and stacked some wood so that was good

Samantha: cool

me: yeah i did not have gear at all. and i was having a bad day and he came and did it

is there anything i can do for you

Samantha: nope.

me: ok

im sorry

Samantha: its ok

me: i like talking to you...

can we keep doing that

Sent at 3:48 PM on Thursday

Samantha: well i will be honest with you. i am not coming back. I am going through TANF and they will be dealing with you and child support.

me: ok

im sorry

i was hoping youd do mc

with me

Samantha: ?

me: marrige counseling

what is TANF

i see now

i feel horrible

im sorry

Samantha: TANF is a program that gives me child care, schooling, food stamps, cash .. etc in return they deal with all the child support stuff.

me: im so broken with out you

Samantha: i was broken with you

me: i understand

how much will you be going for

i was hoping we could work on it

i understand you dont want to

im going to indvidual conuseling

Samantha: thats not up to me. they deal with that

me: i wish there was something i could do

anything

will you be serving me papers

when do i get to see riley

Sent at 3:53 PM on Thursday

Samantha: i havent applied for divorce but i will be. i havent decided how i want custody to go.

me: are you going to try to take her 100 %

babe i am sorry

please take me back

please just come home

Sent at 3:56 PM on Thursday

Samantha: i honestly would like to know how you would feel if I had full custody of her. i am unsure of the actual terms. i wont judge you on your answer.

me: I will fight you tooth and nail

whath appened to what we agreed on

weekends

wtf

why do you have to be like this

Samantha: well i will talk to the legal department and see when and how we can make an arrangement for you to see her. when would you like to see her?

me: as soon as possible

are you going for full custody

Samantha: honestly havent thought about it. i have been more focused on looking at a place for us to live

me: i guess there is no hope

i am sorry i tried my best

are you going after the housen ow

Samantha: no

me: ill still be here waiting for you

Sent at 4:00 PM on Thursday

 

Samantha is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Samantha comes online.

 

 

Looks to be done.. She played this game last time. I know for a fact though that this seems more serious.

 

I need to get a lawyer. Get back on my antidepressants, and did i mention get a lawyer?

[Justtiredofit]

O.....M.......G!!!! Mack05 and Downtown, YOU GUYS HAVE TURNED ME AROUND!

 

I am as floored as this guy is about my marriage ending! I felt like giving in at one point as well. BUT....YOU GUYS have let me see EXACTLY what I have been thinking. I KNEW something was wrong with her, just could not pinpoint it!

 

Well, now I know. WOW, I have received SO MUCH help from this site. Revitup has also helped me just like you guys have. I am SOOOO glad I saw this post. It explains a MULTITUDE of things! Gentlemen, I have had the life sucked out of me.

 

I now realize that when she comes crying back to me (which she does every time) I CANNOT go back with her. And it is this post that has made me realize this. See, we've been together for 20 years, married 19. She has always been dependent on me, could never stop loving me, was telling me she loved me days before she said our marriage was over. And she is missing me at home right now, I know (how could she not after 20 years). BUT....I now see that I CANNOT go back for my own health no matter what. I have to regain what is left of my life.

 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

[ioudas]

O.....M.......G!!!! Mack05 and Downtown, YOU GUYS HAVE TURNED ME AROUND!

 

I am as floored as this guy is about my marriage ending! I felt like giving in at one point as well. BUT....YOU GUYS have let me see EXACTLY what I have been thinking. I KNEW something was wrong with her, just could not pinpoint it!

 

Well, now I know. WOW, I have received SO MUCH help from this site. Revitup has also helped me just like you guys have. I am SOOOO glad I saw this post. It explains a MULTITUDE of things! Gentlemen, I have had the life sucked out of me.

 

I now realize that when she comes crying back to me (which she does every time) I CANNOT go back with her. And it is this post that has made me realize this. See, we've been together for 20 years, married 19. She has always been dependent on me, could never stop loving me, was telling me she loved me days before she said our marriage was over. And she is missing me at home right now, I know (how could she not after 20 years). BUT....I now see that I CANNOT go back for my own health no matter what. I have to regain what is left of my life.

 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

 

How did you know she was always coming back? This is the 2nd time she left. Although i dont know this time.

 

I wonder if she is BPD or if she is sick of me. I tend to lean to BPD since during our breakup every thing we agreed on went out the window. She had agreed to MC and a 6 month separation. I even remembering her asking me to take her back and not be hurt.

 

Now its as if i am a dog turd on the wall... This is like every fight. What gets me is she lied to me. Now wants 100 % custody of our 18 month old... and i am I have the feeling shes plotting something against me.

 

I am so screwed.

[Mack05]

How did you know she was always coming back? This is the 2nd time she left. Although i dont know this time.

 

I wonder if she is BPD or if she is sick of me. I tend to lean to BPD since during our breakup every thing we agreed on went out the window. She had agreed to MC and a 6 month separation. I even remembering her asking me to take her back and not be hurt.

 

Now its as if i am a dog turd on the wall... This is like every fight. What gets me is she lied to me. Now wants 100 % custody of our 18 month old... and i am I have the feeling shes plotting something against me.

 

I am so screwed.

 

The thing is its irrelevant whether she has BPD or not. Your job is not to diagnose her (a mistake I made). With me, I know my last two exs were emotionally unheathly (as was I, as are you and as is she). BPD behavioural analysis helped me move on. It helped me understand that they could never make me happy and to accept the situation for what it is, even though it took me (and it will you too) a long time to move on. Detangelling from the relationship toxicity is hell and I made MANY mistakes. I am trying to stop you doing the same.

 

Since I am not a professional I can't be sure if my exes or your ex has BPD, but my gut instinct is freakishly good (I saw all the signs early doors in this story) so I trusted that. I am trying to show you that even if she does come back, you can never be happy unless she is willing to accept her role in the relationship failure. This is HIGHLY unlikely.

 

If she did come back she will leave again. 100%. We have no idea what they have been through in their lives. Therefore trying to analyse her for a long time wont help. Trying to appeal to her good nature wont help. Trying to make her understand wont help. For some reason even though they come from a highly dysfunctional background they believe they are the apple that fell far from the tree, when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Yes they are amazing to be able to leave that kind of dysfunction behind them but until they truly understand the complexities of their issues, then they will only ever have temporary fulfilment within their lives. When things are smooth these girls are very engaging but when the real issues of life hit (and they always do) they have an inability to cope with them. These behaviours don't get better in time, they get worse as the potential BDPer gets more and more cynical the more and more they get let down. It's a "why always me" and "Why can't I find the great guy". They same reasons why I couldn't find a great girl. Until you stop pointing the finger of blame, until you learn how to have accountability, until you learn how to cope under emotional strain, until you stop looking to others for your own happiness, until you learn how to look deep inside and resolve your past, you can never have a happy future. It's easier to play the victim, blame and run.

 

I've been in 3 mainly healthy relationships in my 20s. I know what kind of relationship/personality behaviours are right and what are wrong. I didn't know for sure if my exes have BPD, but I do know just how unhealthy their personality traits are and that's all that matters and that is all the should matter to you. I am a 100000000% sure I do have an amazing read of their personalities and why they behave they way they do. That's why BPD diagnosis doesn't matter. I posted that to try make you self aware and to try make she realise what is about to happen here and so far just look how accurate I have been. This can't be just coincidence.

 

YOU HAVE TO LET GO NOW! If you can afford Therapy then do it. Therapy gave me the tools to become truly self aware. Self awareness is an amazing gift. A Gift our exes will sadly never obtain, despite them believing otherwise. If you cant be honest with yourself a Therapist cant help you. This is going to get messy. You now have to be strong for the sake of your daughter and put a positive plan together. Be prepared for her cruelty. This is just the start.

 

With regarding you, right now you are in denial and you are panicking. You are simply not absorbing what we are trying to tell you. You are the equivalent of a drowning man who wants his ex to throw him a life jacket, but she is on the boat looking forward oblivious to your pain. She doesn't care. This has to be about you and understanding why you were attracted to such a complex girl and why you want her back, when in reality it's the last thing you should ever want. How can she long term fulfill you, when she doesn't understand herself?

 

My instinct told me if I don't change I will continually end up with intoxicating girls who turn toxic. I forgave them both and let go. Had numerous therapy sessions, have read loads of books, got to the reasons why I was the way I was. And why I behaved the way I did. That's what u need to do. Self belief and confidence which I bet your ex doesn't lack (on the surface anyway) is the key here. Panicking won't help. When you feel panicked you make irrational decisions and I'm sure you will Make some in the coming days, weeks and months. Why? Because you have lost control on an emotional level. You are like an addict in need of a shot. Please buy the book how to break your addiction to a person. This should help you. Learn how to meditate when the panic starts. Learn the gift of positive mental attitude.

 

This is a fight you cannot lose. Your daughter needs you more then she understands right now...

Edited December 28, 2012 by Mack05

[ioudas]

The thing is its irrelevant whether she has BPD or not. Your job is not to diagnose her (a mistake I made). With me, I know my last two exs were emotionally unheathly (as was I, as are you and as is she). BPD behavioural analysis helped me move on. It helped me understand that they could never make me happy and to accept the situation for what it is, even though it took me (and it will you too) a long time to move on. Detangelling from the relationship toxicity is hell and I made MANY mistakes. I am trying to stop you doing the same.

 

Since I am not a professional I can't be sure if my exes or your ex has BPD, but my gut instinct is freakishly good (I saw all the signs early doors in this story) so I trusted that. I am trying to show you that even if she does come back, you can never be happy unless she is willing to accept her role in the relationship failure. This is HIGHLY unlikely.

 

If she did come back she will leave again. 100%. We have no idea what they have been through in their lives. Therefore trying to analyse her for a long time wont help. Trying to appeal to her good nature wont help. Trying to make her understand wont help. For some reason even though they come from a highly dysfunctional background they believe they are the apple that fell far from the tree, when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Yes they are amazing to be able to leave that kind of dysfunction behind them but until they truly understand the complexities of their issues, then they will only ever have temporary fulfilment within their lives. When things are smooth these girls are very engaging but when the real issues of life hit (and they always do) they have an inability to cope with them. These behaviours don't get better in time, they get worse as the potential BDPer gets more and more cynical the more and more they get let down. It's a "why always me" and "Why can't I find the great guy". They same reasons why I couldn't find a great girl. Until you stop pointing the finger of blame, until you learn how to have accountability, until you learn how to cope under emotional strain, until you stop looking to others for your own happiness, until you learn how to look deep inside and resolve your past, you can never have a happy future. It's easier to play the victim, blame and run.

 

I've been in 3 mainly healthy relationships in my 20s. I know what kind of relationship/personality behaviours are right and what are wrong. I didn't know for sure if my exes have BPD, but I do know just how unhealthy their personality traits are and that's all that matters and that is all the should matter to you. I am a 100000000% sure I do have an amazing read of their personalities and why they behave they way they do. That's why BPD diagnosis doesn't matter. I posted that to try make you self aware and to try make she realise what is about to happen here and so far just look how accurate I have been. This can't be just coincidence.

 

YOU HAVE TO LET GO NOW! If you can afford Therapy then do it. Therapy gave me the tools to become truly self aware. Self awareness is an amazing gift. A Gift our exes will sadly never obtain, despite them believing otherwise. If you cant be honest with yourself a Therapist cant help you. This is going to get messy. You now have to be strong for the sake of your daughter and put a positive plan together. Be prepared for her cruelty. This is just the start.

 

With regarding you, right now you are in denial and you are panicking. You are simply not absorbing what we are trying to tell you. You are the equivalent of a drowning man who wants his ex to throw him a life jacket, but she is on the boat looking forward oblivious to your pain. She doesn't care. This has to be about you and understanding why you were attracted to such a complex girl and why you want her back, when in reality it's the last thing you should ever want. How can she long term fulfill you, when she doesn't understand herself?

 

My instinct told me if I don't change I will continually end up with intoxicating girls who turn toxic. I forgave them both and let go. Had numerous therapy sessions, have read loads of books, got to the reasons why I was the way I was. And why I behaved the way I did. That's what u need to do. Self belief and confidence which I bet your ex doesn't lack (on the surface anyway) is the key here. Panicking won't help. When you feel panicked you make irrational decisions and I'm sure you will Make some in the coming days, weeks and months. Why? Because you have lost control on an emotional level. You are like an addict in need of a shot. Please buy the book how to break your addiction to a person. This should help you. Learn how to meditate when the panic starts. Learn the gift of positive mental attitude.

 

This is a fight you cannot lose. Your daughter needs you more then she understands right now...

 

Mack. Thank you for the reply. I value your insight. I am getting what you are laying down. I am for sure still in denial mode and you are right I do need a fix from sam. I feel like im entagled in the whole situation and my addiction is trying to fix it too. Like i can some how be better and she will want me back. Its not going to happen.

 

I know its not rational and i have only the want of my daughter to have a family to explain it for.

 

Your advice though has not gone unheeded. I feel the writing o nthe wall that she will just leave again. She also takes no responsibility. I also have issues like you describe however mine are around anxiety. My doctor also has me on mood medication. I assumed her and I knew this and it bound us. Two damaged people making it work. I remember her asking me to get help.. I did.

 

I knew stuff wasnt perfect but we were at a 4/1 week ratio of good to bad I thought. Maybe it was all in my head.

 

-Greg

Edited December 28, 2012 by ioudas

[coffeebean201]

Hey, sounds like today was a bad day.

 

Where do you want to be a year from now?

What set-up do you want to have?

 

Just work on the mountain of problems, one at a time - one a day sort of thing, and you will be surprised at how quickly you will have some boundaries on this situation.

 

You sound like a really good man.

[ioudas]

Hey, sounds like today was a bad day.

 

Where do you want to be a year from now?

What set-up do you want to have?

 

Just work on the mountain of problems, one at a time - one a day sort of thing, and you will be surprised at how quickly you will have some boundaries on this situation.

 

You sound like a really good man.

 

Sure was. Thanks for the good words.

 

Ideally id like to be with her and my kid... but i know that wont happen for the reasons in previous posts. In lieu of that. Id like to be still in my house with the kid visiting on the weekends. God i already miss her so much. Maybe more visits when she is older.

 

Thanks for the compliment. I am so turned around i feel like i am the lowest piece of scum on. I know i did my best.... but i have the nagging fear that i didnt do a set of steps the right way and i could of done better (now with hind sight of course )

 

I feel like i failed my daughter, my self and my family. All i want is a family.... is that too much to ask for?

[Mack05]

Here is a good post on BPD -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/358341-does-your-w-scream-yell-you

 

Trust me there is nothing more you could have done. I feel really sorry for you. I hope you pull through this and get what you deserve out of life...

[trippi1432]

Wow!! I read that link and I thank God that part of life for me is over. 15 years with a man like that. The other side of the coin is that there are so many things in that post that you have to free yourself from to not let it become a part of your life when it was your life for so long.

[Downtown]

Greg, if you decide your W likely has most BPD traits at a strong level, I offer the following suggestions -- based on what I found most helpful when I was in that same situation:

 

As an initial matter, Greg, I recommend that you NOT tell her that you suspect she has strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

 

Second, I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. This book was released last year by the same author who wrote the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses (i.e., Stop Walking on Eggshells).

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Leaving" board and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" board.

 

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

 

Fifth, I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your daughter. As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this LoveShack forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.

[trippi1432]

Downtown - quick question for you... Are women the only BPD'rs or is that just your experience?

[Downtown]

Are women the only BPD'rs or is that just your experience?

Trippi, the prevalence is the same for men as for women. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008) found the prevalence of full-blown BPD to be about 6% for both men and women. That figure does not include the many people whose BPD traits are strong but fall short of meeting 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

[ioudas]

Greg, if you decide your W likely has most BPD traits at a strong level, I offer the following suggestions -- based on what I found most helpful when I was in that same situation:

 

As an initial matter, Greg, I recommend that you NOT tell her that you suspect she has strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

 

Second, I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. This book was released last year by the same author who wrote the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses (i.e., Stop Walking on Eggshells).

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Leaving" board and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" board.

 

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

 

Fifth, I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your daughter. As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this LoveShack forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.

 

Thanks Downtown and Mack. You guys are my new best friends. Today has been a hard day for me. Waking up to an alone house is still new and freshly stings me. Doing the chores and sitting around yesterday made me realize how much i thought our life together was achievable and how she was taking care of the house while I was at work. We were both in this together. Now i feel like someone has crapped all over the dream and it hurts. Im angry and mad and sad at the same time.

 

To answer your questions

 

1) Understood. I am going no contact with the wife. I have decided to also hire an attorney today. I will be meeting with said attorney today at 3

 

2) Understood i will get these books.

 

3) I have it book marked.

 

4) Will do.

 

5) Setup counseling for wednesday.

 

The cost of lawyers scares me.

[Downtown]

The cost of lawyers scares me.

Me too, Greg. I chose to think of it as a necessary surgery. Good "surgeons" are expensive. Mine cost me $300/hour.

[Mack05]

Greg I now its not much consolation but please turn to this site when you need to. People do genuinely care. Many have been through what you are going to now.

 

The key thing here is to look forward and to avoid questioning yourself and past decisions (stuff like why did I take a huge decision like marriage so quickly etc etc). Its done its in the past, so there is no point in going back over stuff. There is no point either in over analyzing trying to figure her out or hoping she will come back.

 

Its a tough hard situation. Your back is against the wall. You have to come out fighting...

Edited December 28, 2012 by Mack05

[ioudas]

Greg I now its not much consolation but please turn to this site when you need to. People do genuinely care. Many have been through what you are going to now.

 

The key thing here is to look forward and to avoid questioning yourself and past decisions (stuff like why did I take a huge decision like marriage so quickly etc etc). Its done its in the past, so there is no point in going back over stuff. There is no point either in over analyzing trying to figure her out or hoping she will come back.

 

Its a tough hard situation. Your back is against the wall. You have to come out fighting...

 

 

Thanks Mack, i just got done talking to a few lawyers. After talking to them i just feel awe struck and lost.

 

Boy it is hard today. I had contact with the in law cause i was trying to get her address for a lawyer.

 

She was cold, didnt give it.. Offered to have who is ever serving it call her... and meet with Sam. I dont know if this works... but it feels ****ty.

 

After talking to multiple lawyers i dont know how much ill take

 

All i know is she left me with zero to my name, tons of debt. I dont know how ill pay 700 (max) to 400 (max) child support. Its just nuts.

 

I feel like i am not going to be able to afford the house...

 

I feel so angry at her. She wents from lets try MC to shooting for the moon. Its like she thinks im horrible. I have never done anything to deserve this

 

Kinda going crazy.

[Mack05]

I don't want to sound tough on you here mate but feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help. It is what it is. It's probably the toughest time in your life so far. Sadly most of us have to go through these hard times in life, with every story different. You have to find the inner strength and courage that each and everyone of us has within them.

 

Some choose to quit. Most dig their heels in ride out the storm and become stronger people. They also get to appreciate the good times when they come along and despite how you feel right now, you will be happy again. Think of who you are doing this for. Your little girl. You can do this, you will do this. One day at a time...

Edited December 28, 2012 by Mack05

[ioudas]

I don't want to sound tough on you here mate but feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help. It is what it is. It's probably the toughest time in your life so far. Sadly most of us have to go through these hard times in life, with every story different. You have to find the inner strength and courage that each and everyone of us has within them.

 

Some choose to quit. Most dig their heels in ride out the storm and become stronger people. They also get to appreciate the good times when they come along and despite how you feel right now, you will be happy again. Think of who you are doing this for. Your little girl. You can do this, you will do this. One day at a time...

 

That is my feeling. Just give in and quit. She isnt coming back.

 

Most recent update has her telling her brother that I hit her with my hands and "pillows". He has threatened to kick my ass.

 

 

Hard to stay positive when it gets worse and worse.

[Mack05]

That is my feeling. Just give in and quit. She isnt coming back.

 

Most recent update has her telling her brother that I hit her with my hands and "pillows". He has threatened to kick my ass.

 

Hard to stay positive when it gets worse and worse.

When I was in a dark place every morning I would read this poem...

 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

 

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

 

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

 

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 

Followed by watching this speech..(YouTube Rockys speech to his son).

 

No she is not coming back but trust me that is a good thing. Relationships are built on trust and foundations. How can you have trust her, when she has left you twice already? How can you have trust when your wife is CLEARLY a manipulator and a liar. If you quit now, that us what your daughter will become. Her mother. Is that what you want Greg?

 

Downtown told you above with the BPDfamily link what was going to happen. She is going to play dirty. Honestly I ain't the type to play dirty and stoop to their level, but to give my daughter the best in life? There is NOTHING I wouldnt be prepared to do...Your wife is delusional and truly believes that everything is all your fault. You need to snap this b!tch back into reality....Right now she thinks you are weak and pathetic. Trust me on that. Let's prove this nut job wrong..You have to change her perception of you. Otherwise she will walk all over you..

 

*

Edited December 29, 2012 by Mack05

[ioudas]

When I was in a dark place every morning I would read this poem...

 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

 

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

 

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

 

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 

Followed by watching this speech..(YouTube Rockys speech to his son).

 

No she is not coming back but trust me that is a good thing. Relationships are built on trust and foundations. How can you have trust her, when she has left you twice already? How can you have trust when your wife is CLEARLY a manipulator and a liar. If you quit now, that us what your daughter will become. Her mother. Is that what you want Greg?

 

Downtown told you above with the BPDfamily link what was going to happen. She is going to play dirty. Honestly I ain't the type to play dirty and stoop to their level, but to give my daughter the best in life? There is NOTHING I wouldnt be prepared to do...Your wife is delusional and truly believes that everything is all your fault. You need to snap this b!tch back into reality....Right now she thinks you are weak and pathetic. Trust me on that. Let's prove this nut job wrong..You have to change her perception of you. Otherwise she will walk all over you..

 

*

 

Thanks for the poem. I agree its over and I dont want her back after this. I know if she came back apologizing it would be so hard. I want out now after this. To throw me under the bus like this.. now means shes not for me and wont be fixed.

 

I just have to figure out how to pay the retainer.

 

So far that seems to be 2g to 3.5g

[Downtown]

I dont want her back after this. I know if she came back apologizing it would be so hard.

For excessive caregivers like us (i.e., "codependents"), the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is ANATHMA. Yet, when we are mired in a dysfunctional marriage that is toxic to both spouses, that is exactly what we must do.

 

To accomplish that, it is important to hold onto your righteous anger, Greg. At this time, anger IS YOUR FRIEND because, without it, you likely will never be able to stay away from her. Anger therefore should be used, like a crutch, to walk away to safety. Then, perhaps a year from now when you are still safe, you should kick that crutch aside.

[Gunny376]

It really is a matter of perception, when one is mired up in the day to day of it all? Its really hard to see things clearly as they really are ~ AND as those outside truly see the situation?

 

When your up to your azz in alligators, poisonous snakes, hostile Indians, one tends to forget that your initial objective when your first started out? Was to drain the swamp!

 

One of God's single greatest gifts is unanswered prayers. The day will come? When you will see the X or a picture there of and stand in wonderment at to what in the Hell were you thinking and what in the world did you ever see in them to begin with.

 

22 years post-hence, I recently saw a picture of the XHEX, and thought the same thing? Relative to today? And per my life experiences, I'm sure that in order for me to have sex with her today would probally involve the exchange of some money?

 

Trouble is? I don't think she makes that kind of money to seal the deal?

 

It is entirely possible ~ indeed is too often the case to be in love with someone with whom your absolutely incompatible with ~ mentally, emotionally, sexually, psychologically ~ AND who is absolutely the worse person for you on the entire planet per the above listed?

 

The worse kind of love is to be in love with someone you don't even like!

[ioudas]

It really is a matter of perception, when one is mired up in the day to day of it all? Its really hard to see things clearly as they really are ~ AND as those outside truly see the situation?

 

When your up to your azz in alligators, poisonous snakes, hostile Indians, one tends to forget that your initial objective when your first started out? Was to drain the swamp!

 

One of God's single greatest gifts is unanswered prayers. The day will come? When you will see the X or a picture there of and stand in wonderment at to what in the Hell were you thinking and what in the world did you ever see in them to begin with.

 

22 years post-hence, I recently saw a picture of the XHEX, and thought the same thing? Relative to today? And per my life experiences, I'm sure that in order for me to have sex with her today would probally involve the exchange of some money?

 

Trouble is? I don't think she makes that kind of money to seal the deal?

 

It is entirely possible ~ indeed is too often the case to be in love with someone with whom your absolutely incompatible with ~ mentally, emotionally, sexually, psychologically ~ AND who is absolutely the worse person for you on the entire planet per the above listed?

 

The worse kind of love is to be in love with someone you don't even like!

 

Yes, but in my heart i know there is still some feeling there for her.

 

Today i found an old card from her.. Says together we can get through anything.

 

I still hate her for doing this to me.

 

Update: Money for lawyer obtained. I can file.... people said i should wait.

[Gunny376]

Yes, but in my heart i know there is still some feeling there for her.

 

Today i found an old card from her.. Says together we can get through anything.

 

I still hate her for doing this to me.

 

Update: Money for lawyer obtained. I can file.... people said i should wait.

 

Yes and there may always be feelings for her. Even though its now going on 23 years since the XHEX and I divorced, I would suppose that given the right circumstances, the right phase of the moon, the correct alignment of the planets, and the constellations of the galaxy + (and this last ingredient is very important! ) a couple cases of 30 year old Scotch Whiskey you might even get me to confess such for the XHEX.

 

Fact is? I shared twelve years of marriage with her, and had two children with her. So there's a history there. There's no denying that. But now in light of the proper perspective? That's what it is and was and will be! H-I-S-T-O-R-Y!

 

The blunt truth of the matter is? Your going through a mental, emotional, and psychological addiction which involves some seriously strong bio-chemicals of the brain. Just that plain and just that simple. You can romanticise it all you want ~ but that's what it is.

 

(Source Material:

 

National Geographic, Feb 2008 Edition

Time Magazine

"Brain Sex")

 

In short, your suffering from withdrawal. And the best way to go about dealing with ~ with the least amount of investment of time and suffering? Go Cold Turkey.

 

Easier said that done! Trust me I know!

[ioudas]

Yes and there may always be feelings for her. Even though its now going on 23 years since the XHEX and I divorced, I would suppose that given the right circumstances, the right phase of the moon, the correct alignment of the planets, and the constellations of the galaxy + (and this last ingredient is very important! ) a couple cases of 30 year old Scotch Whiskey you might even get me to confess such for the XHEX.

 

Fact is? I shared twelve years of marriage with her, and had two children with her. So there's a history there. There's no denying that. But now in light of the proper perspective? That's what it is and was and will be! H-I-S-T-O-R-Y!

 

The blunt truth of the matter is? Your going through a mental, emotional, and psychological addiction which involves some seriously strong bio-chemicals of the brain. Just that plain and just that simple. You can romanticise it all you want ~ but that's what it is.

 

(Source Material:

 

National Geographic, Feb 2008 Edition

Time Magazine

"Brain Sex")

 

In short, your suffering from withdrawal. And the best way to go about dealing with ~ with the least amount of investment of time and suffering? Go Cold Turkey.

 

Easier said that done! Trust me I know!

 

Yeah, I agree Gunny. It is nice to see your posts here. I am now not sure if i should file or have her file.

 

I know its an addiction. I am still getting use to the day by day routines without her. I am not over her. I still think shes gonna walk through the door or send me an email. Saying how she wants to work it out.

 

Sounds like i should file for divorce.