babybear Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 Hey guys, let me know what u think... I was with my bf for a year when he went on a trip and cheated on me with more than one person. I found out eventually, was devastated, and broke up with him right away...didn't take his calls, emails, nothing for 3 months. Then, I ran into him at a mutual friend's b-day and we started to talk again. I thought I was soooo over him...but obviously I saw him way too soon and got back into the relationship. Now, honestly my bf has completely changed. I have no qualms with who he is today...very attentive, he understands I still get angry about the past, and does his best to comfort me and reassure me that the past will not repeat itself. But my problem is that I think I have lost a lot of respect for him as a person because of what he has done in the past. So...this is where it gets a little messy. While we were broken up, I hung out with an ex of mine. It was nothing serious at all...we would hang out...sleep together, go out to eat, get a drink, whatever. It was just really stress free. But, when I got back with bf, sometimes when my bf or I would have a big fight (a lot of them have to do with his cheating...the anger just comes outta nowhere sometimes) or if I would go out for a drink with my ex and decide I want to spend the nite, I would go right ahead, and I didn't feel guilty either! I KNOW that's not right! And I would call my bf the next day, and not even mention it. I am usually SO faithful to any guy I date...I guess I just didn't feel the need to be my best when I was dealing with someone who cheated! Well, I stopped doing that...it happened about 5 times in one year, but I will not do it again. But, I really do see the changes in him, and I do see the potential even though cheating can be unforgiveable. I want to know if anyone else who has been cheated on has ever behaved this way...or if this sounds familiar to anyone. Does getting back with an ex who cheated ever work? Or am I always gonna think he's a lesser person? babybear Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteDragon Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Well i have personally been in the situations you have described. First off, yes I believe a relationship can happen even after one of the two cheats on the other. It takes a long long time and very hard work. People do make mistakes in life and no one is perfect. Heres where it gets tricky...now that he cheated on you, you feel like it doesn't matter if you do the same b/c he did to you so you can do it to him. That won't work. Not being together with him and having the stress free thing going on with that one guy is fine. But...being back with your ex then sleeping with someone else gets you no where and makes you no better than him. If this has all happened in the past..then fine its in the past. If you really see the changes in him then GOOD. But don't go out sleeping behind his back if you two have a arguement...and if that happens...then it will never work. Its up to you and him to keep things open and honest. thats the only way things will work. Don't dwell in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Your boyfriend is being sweet and attentive, and he deserves your forgiveness. Now that you've had a little (quiet) revenge, maybe you can work on forgiving him for slipping up in such a big way. What you did is understandable, but there's really no such thing as even-ing the score in a romantic relationship. And yes, people overcome cheating all the time. It's devastating, but often the connection between two people is more powerful than the ****ty thing one (or both) of them did. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 If you haven't already, you should come clean to your BF about what you did after you two got back together. Obviously, it would be a bit of a double standard if he then left you, but only when both of you have disclosed your infidelities to the other can you actually start to build something based on honesty. It'll be a hell of a lot worse if he finds out a few years later. I understand your motivation for doing what you did -- lots of people contemplate revenge affairs after finding out they've been cheated on. I contemplated having one when I found out about TBXW's rampant cheating. But I didn't do it... instead I slept with another woman the first day I moved out of the desecrated marital home (following her decision that she didn't want to work on fixing the marriage). I don't regret that one bit -- I had every right to do so, as did you when you and your BF were split up. However, you were in the wrong when you kept things going with your ex after you and BF got back together. You may not feel bad about it, but you shouldn't do it again. (But, it sounds like you know that already.) Yes, it is possible for a relationship to survive and thrive after infidelity, but it takes a hell of a lot of work and a commitment to make your lives open books to each other. You both have to rebuild the trust that was destroyed. Although it doesn't excuse your infidelity, you are pretty much starting from zero now. I wish you both the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Reservoirdog is right about confessing what you've done. It will probably bring you closer by removing the moral "edge" you had in being (or seeming to be) the faithful partner. Then you are both working on forgiving and moving on. Hard work, but worth it. If you two can handle this, the normal ups and downs of love will seem like nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted August 15, 2004 Author Share Posted August 15, 2004 Would it really be the best idea to come clean? I remember how I felt when I got cheated on and found out...it was the most painful time and experience for me. I just went numb and I was so mad and sad and angry and confused... And I think initially I wanted to tell him I slept with the ex just to hurt him so that he could feel it right back...but I guess since then I have tried to accept it a little bit more, and lots of the anger has subsided. I know telling him has its upsides, and I'm sure he would understand it too...but, would it really be the most beneficial thing? I mean, I think I was just reacting to the situation at hand, I don't condone cheating, and besides this I haven't done anythign of the sort. Wouuld I be building a more stable foundation if I told him...or creating a mutual distrust? BB Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Whether you tell him really depends on the strength of the relationship, I guess. Maybe the advice to confess is too idealistic. If you feel things are still too precarious, then don't. You can always change your mind about this and tell him later. But if there is ANY CHANCE WHATSOEVER that he will find out on his own, you had better come clean now. Link to post Share on other sites
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