simpleguy123 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Hi, I am new to the forum and I need some advice. I have been seeing a girl for about 6 months and things are going very well. She and I have a good relationship that is supportive and warm both romantically and emotionally. Over the last two months we have been getting closer and I think we have a shot at something solid and lasting. For the most part things are great with one exception. Not long after we became physically involved my girlfriend started dropping hints about how satisfying our love life is for me. She is adamant that it is the most satisfying sex she has ever had and keeps leading me on to say something similar. The truth is our sex life is good, really good...but not great. In terms of libido levels and mutual satisfaction we seem well matched. On an emotional level it is excellent. I am 38 and at a point in my life where meaningless sex is just that...meaningless. The problem is it is simply not the best sex I have experienced on a purely physical level. I keep avoiding her hints by trying to focus on what is right about our love life, specifically our emotional connection and how that makes sex truly wonderful. Unfortunately she continues to make remarks that make me uncomfortable. These include leading questions about how attractive my ex-girlfriends were, if I am happy with what we have physically, and how she 'compares' with those earlier experiences. I don't know what to say when she starts leading me down that road. The fact is that I have dated some women who were superficially/physically more attractive than my current girlfriend, and in some cases the physical connection was more explosive. None of that matters to me as our current relationship is stronger and more healthy than practically any of my previous relationships. So my question is how honest should I be? Sooner or later my verbal side stepping is going to fail. Should I be 'brutally honest' as the saying goes and tell her the whole truth? Or should I lie and tell her that she is the most beautiful/best lover I have ever had? It feels like I am trapped because either choice is unappealing for its own reasons. And I don't care about any of those past relationships. I care for this woman very much and want her to know how strong my feelings are for her and that what we have makes me happy here and now. Funny thing is she is a relatively secure person in all other ways and I was hopping this issue would just go away. For some reason it seems to be very important to her and I am not sure what to do or say. Sorry to ramble so much. I would REALLY appreciate some female perspective on this question if anyone would care to advise me. Thanks so much... Link to post Share on other sites
KandiceHanson Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 This is my personal opinion on the matter I would just tell her what she wants to hear about physical attraction towards her vs. your ex's (makes her feel better and it really doesn't matter AT ALL what your past girls looked like anyways. Plus you feel like she is beautiful on the inside, which is what matters in the end.) However, when it comes to sex - tell her that you don't like this 'specific' thing and what she can do to make it better for you. Telling her that you don't like it as much as she does will lower her self esteem in that area and cause her to be super insecure from that point on. Just tell her that you enjoy sex with her, however, you prefer it 'this' way and not so much 'this' way (if that makes sense) You may think she's secure, but some women can hide it really well. All women question certain aspects of a relationship, whether they are super chatty about it or not. She just wants some reassurance that everything is going good. Tell her the truth if she can do something better for you (in a sensitive/but truthful way) & do not dig into how attractive your ex's were. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) So my question is how honest should I be? Sooner or later my verbal side stepping is going to fail. Should I be 'brutally honest' as the saying goes and tell her the whole truth? Or should I lie and tell her that she is the most beautiful/best lover I have ever had? Neither lie or be brutally honest, yet speak openly about your sex life. The trick here is to refuse to do the A:B comparisons. Tell her that intimacy with each person is as unique as we all are as individuals... that intimacy improves over time when the couple communicate, are open to new experiences and experimentation, and that you just don't think about it as something that can be measured on a 1 to 10 scale. If she keeps pushing tell that you've had some truly fantastic experiences with other women but you can't compare quantitatively to what the two of you share together. Then encourage her to be more open and help her to to be the best she can be. You really aren't doing her or yourself any favor if she reads your intonation or body language and gets the notion that you think she's not as good at sex as your previous lovers. So be sincere and honest in saying that what you share is wonderful and unique, but refuse to compare. Edited December 22, 2012 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 I think she's just looking for validation as a lover and wants to feel like she satisfies you and everything is ok on that front. Tell her you are completely satisfied being with her and tell her all the good things...If you want to end up with her long-term I wouldn't mention better lovers or what not, she'll never forget it and women love to learn the truth only to hold it against you for an eternity or feel insecure about it..because she'll always wonder what if she doesn't completely satisfy you and someone else can do it better. Never trust a woman on her security level from the surface, especially only knowing her six months, women are a deep well of secrets and truths...not that they are hiding anything necessarily or intentionally in all cases but many an unaware man may not see what is in front of them in terms of what a woman's weaknesses and insecurities are. Stay focused on the positive, do not waver and mention the negative....avoid, jump over but most importantly reassure, don't be blinded into speaking truths that you know she will not accept and hold against you, and that can be a slippery slope that will turn into a regret you cannot take back...there's no reason to tell her someone else was better in bed, it can do your relationship no good. Some women can handle the truth, however many cannot (as do men) it's best not to ask about the past unless both parties can be open and accepting about it...however If you feel she's asking you this question for a reason, then she probably is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Hi, I am new to the forum and I need some advice. I have been seeing a girl for about 6 months and things are going very well. She and I have a good relationship that is supportive and warm both romantically and emotionally. Over the last two months we have been getting closer and I think we have a shot at something solid and lasting. For the most part things are great with one exception. Not long after we became physically involved my girlfriend started dropping hints about how satisfying our love life is for me. She is adamant that it is the most satisfying sex she has ever had and keeps leading me on to say something similar. The truth is our sex life is good, really good...but not great. In terms of libido levels and mutual satisfaction we seem well matched. On an emotional level it is excellent. I am 38 and at a point in my life where meaningless sex is just that...meaningless. The problem is it is simply not the best sex I have experienced on a purely physical level. I keep avoiding her hints by trying to focus on what is right about our love life, specifically our emotional connection and how that makes sex truly wonderful. Unfortunately she continues to make remarks that make me uncomfortable. These include leading questions about how attractive my ex-girlfriends were, if I am happy with what we have physically, and how she 'compares' with those earlier experiences. I don't know what to say when she starts leading me down that road. The fact is that I have dated some women who were superficially/physically more attractive than my current girlfriend, and in some cases the physical connection was more explosive. None of that matters to me as our current relationship is stronger and more healthy than practically any of my previous relationships. So my question is how honest should I be? Sooner or later my verbal side stepping is going to fail. Should I be 'brutally honest' as the saying goes and tell her the whole truth? Or should I lie and tell her that she is the most beautiful/best lover I have ever had? It feels like I am trapped because either choice is unappealing for its own reasons. And I don't care about any of those past relationships. I care for this woman very much and want her to know how strong my feelings are for her and that what we have makes me happy here and now. Funny thing is she is a relatively secure person in all other ways and I was hopping this issue would just go away. For some reason it seems to be very important to her and I am not sure what to do or say. Sorry to ramble so much. I would REALLY appreciate some female perspective on this question if anyone would care to advise me. Thanks so much... You're old enough to know what women want to hear. You know she's only asking these questions for reassurance and validation and not curiosity. You're too focused on thinking she's asking informational questions. These are psychological questions with only one valid answer. Anything else and there will be hurt, confusion and trouble. Give her what she wants, and she'll be more secure about herself and your relationship will be fine. Tell her the truth and you'll have a huge fight, and you'll damage the relationship by really hurting her self-esteem. She'll use what you said in any fight in the future, she'll never forget these words. Didn't you see Liar Liar where a truth-telling Jim Carrey says "I've had better" right after sex and gets thrown out on the spot? C'mon. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TheLestat Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 Pretty much what everyone here has said. Link to post Share on other sites
Sylar Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I didn't read all of the replies. But, if you can't discuss what each other likes, then there is no point moaning about it. Tell her it's great, but if she did this or that it could be better. I bet when you're drilling away, she's thinking "I wish he'd just pull my hair a little" or something. Discuss it. It's not scary. My ex loved some things and disliked others. The same with me. We worked out what we liked and went from there! Our nightlife was epic. And I know she agrees. Go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
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