for d.

[Lillyfree]

i need to type this somewhere. i will type it here because without this forum i would have been a bigger mess than i already am....

 

 

hi.

 

a couple of songs came on today. i was listening to opeth and porcupine tree. i listen to them a lot lately, because you don't really like them and i'm trying to get away from music that reminds me of you.

two songs in a row that cut me. that i wanted to share with you. so here they are:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu8c8XExXVs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Bx1Qsgawz4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

i miss sharing this with you. there's no one else that i can do this with.

i'm sorry that i cut things off the way i did. at the time there was no other way for me to do it. i couldn't just switch off and still be in contact with you, i had to step away and sort out what was going on in my head.

at least i'm sleeping now. and i feel more like a person that you first met and said you fell in love with - not the weak, crazy mess that i was for the last few weeks.

i'm sorry i never had the guts to say how i felt. that the first and last time i told you how much you meant to me was in the email that also told you that i couldn't do it any more.

 

and you had to be the bad guy for a while. i looked for and concentrated on all the bad things about you. i had to hate you so as not to go crazy.

i respect that you haven't tried to contact me. i know that you are too proud to do so. still, whenever my phone makes a noise there's a little stab of pain knowing that it won't be from you, and hoping that it might.

 

i felt the same way as you, even if i haven't told you. i thought the world of you. i couldn't believe that there was someone who shared so many of my likes and dislikes.... even down to *that* flavour gelato

 

and i know that you liked my brain first. i liked yours as well. and i wish that we could go back to before we liked more of each other.

 

there's so much more i want to say... but i'm not good at verbalising things and sometimes i just get these moments of clarity... and then i wish you were around so that i can tell you

 

there isn't a day when i don't think of you. i hope you're happy.

[FightClub]

Hey Lillyfree,

 

I assume 'D' was the exMM? It's interesting the kind of message you wrote, exMW actually sent me one very similar 7 months after the affair ended, after pulling a disappearing act.

 

It's a tough road ahead when resolving the affairs in our mind, trust me I know. It is also very healthy to write out how you feel or write letters to exMM without sending them, I still occasionally find myself doing the same when thoughts of exMW shift around.

 

I'm curious, looking at things before, why do you feel you got involved? and looking at right now, do you still feel you got involved because of that initial reason? Time changes perception, over time, amazingly.

 

I do hope things work out for the best for you, we all make mistakes and sometimes fall into situations with other people in different ways that can harm us until we step back and really dig deep inside and listen to our own silence away from everyone else.

 

Eventually, the only thing you hear is that voice inside that is you and the answers you seek do come through, through manifestations in our dreams, symbolism and even allowing us to envision why we are, where we are and how to get back to a complete person as the pain subsides.

 

Happy holidays, things will get better!

 

-FC

[Lillyfree]

Hey Lillyfree,

 

I assume 'D' was the exMM? It's interesting the kind of message you wrote, exMW actually sent me one very similar 7 months after the affair ended, after pulling a disappearing act.

 

It's a tough road ahead when resolving the affairs in our mind, trust me I know. It is also very healthy to write out how you feel or write letters to exMM without sending them, I still occasionally find myself doing the same when thoughts of exMW shift around.

 

I'm curious, looking at things before, why do you feel you got involved? and looking at right now, do you still feel you got involved because of that initial reason? Time changes perception, over time, amazingly.

 

I do hope things work out for the best for you, we all make mistakes and sometimes fall into situations with other people in different ways that can harm us until we step back and really dig deep inside and listen to our own silence away from everyone else.

 

Eventually, the only thing you hear is that voice inside that is you and the answers you seek do come through, through manifestations in our dreams, symbolism and even allowing us to envision why we are, where we are and how to get back to a complete person as the pain subsides.

 

Happy holidays, things will get better!

 

-FC

 

thanks FC

 

yes, 'd' is the xOM.

 

i wrote this and posted it here so as not to send it to him. i was very, very tempted at that moment to do so.

being out of the situation and able to look at everything that happened more objectively, i realised that i was unfair towards him when i first went NC. i concentrated on all the bad things about him, and that was a survival technique - it would have been impossible to think about the good times, it just hurt too much. so i demonised him in order to make it easy on myself during the initial few weeks.

lately i have been able to see less in black and white - could be a sign of progress in healing. interestingly, the times i remember fondly were the times when things were simple, when we talked about everyday things and exchanged music. before we complicated everything by saying that we care about each other in a way that was inappropriate...

and that's what i regret. i miss him, but i miss that initial relationship. i don't miss the madness that ensued once it turned into an EA. because all it did was made me miserable. and crazy, confused, guilty...

what i'm able to do now is realise that he's not the sole bad guy in this. finally i can start digging in as you said, and seeing my role in the mess we created. to see where i'm broken and how i allowed things to happen. i know what's wrong with him, i know how damaged he is and that's why i say i hope he's happy.... not in light of what happened between us, but in general. now that it hurts less, i'll start working out what's wrong with me.

 

why did i get involved? my opinion on that remains the same. i liked him as a person, and didn't have the boundaries to not say so. i was the first one to say something - but it was meant as a compliment, there were no feelings in the mix at the time.

he was the first one to say it in the 'other' context. the first one to use 'us' and 'we' - i still remember how uneasy it made me feel. i should have backed out then, but i didn't.

with him i went against everything that made me who i am. and it scared me. and i'm ashamed to say this, but that was what made me cut and run. not morality, not principles - those were abandoned a while back. it was the fact that i felt like i was going crazy, and the whole thing became torture. toxic, destructive. but now i believe it wasn't like that just for me, but for him as well.