Metal_Muffin Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Hello, So i have been with my partner for 2 and half years, we are getting married next June. We have been engaged for 18 months and live together. He is perfect, well he isn't hes a tool at times but i love him all the same. Day to day i cannot fault him, hes hard working, affectionate, respectful, funny and my best friend but his problem is when he has too many beers. Since i have known him his drinking has driven me mad. Now don't get me wrong he does not drink all the time, in fact he doesn't even go out a lot. When he does he is just mean. Hes ruined god knows how many birthdays from kicking off, nights out, weekends away with friends. Now last night I've just come to a final straw really. Every time he drinks we sit down and talk, now if I'm drunk as well i don't help the situation i accept that. I'm a feisty girl and i wont be put down by someone or bullied so i will put a good verbal fight back however i do not end up hurting him!!! We always talk about it and he always says he will learn, he doesn't mean it, hes sorry but it just happens again. He cannot handle his drink and when out with the lads wants to be with them so badly he just keeps up with them. Anyway, he went out last night with his brother and guys from work. He went out at 18:30 and at 03:30-04:30 he had not come home. I was worried sick, i had not heard from him at all and i know what hes like. After tossing and turning i went downstairs and he was asleep in the kitchen. He had either been in a fight or fallen over and he had lipstick on his cheek. Can i just add that i have no issues with the lipstick i know in my core he wouldn't cheat on me, it goes against every moral fibre in his body. My issue is his lack of consideration for me, about my feelings not hearing from him, me worrying. I just want some respect, just a txt to know hes OK. I don't care about him going out or coming home late but i want to know hes safe. If i did this to him he would be savage from worry!! I think its all made worse because he went out on Thursday (different work lot!) and even though home early he was drunk and was verbally hideous to me. Plus he forgot a really important appointment i had on the Thursday evening that he knew meant a lot. (It was an interview to get onto a course to complete my degree!) I'm just at a crossroad with how to deal with his behaviour because he just lets himself down. Hes such a great bloke and i love the bones of him!! Its just hes an arse when he drinks!!! I don't know what to do about it now because when we talk after he thinks I'm just kicking off and he doesn't remember it so I'm sure he thinks I'm over reacting! I'm tempted to record him! Please don't write back if your going to say break up because that's just ridiculous, i wouldn't loose the love of my life because he can be a bad drunk!! Thank you, Happy Christmas All!!! xx Link to post Share on other sites
Brit Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 He does not sound wonderful; he sounds like a complete nightmare. I would be asking myself, why I feel I cannot do better! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 How often does he get drunk, on average? As I see it either he agrees to stop drinking completely or you break up. He can't control how he is when he's drunk - so I'm sure he is sorry, and I'm sure he doesn't intend to do it again, but the point with being drunk is you lose control, so he can't "learn". If he is an aggressive drunk, either you put up with it, leave, or he stops drinking. Be honest, if you're concerned now, how will you feel if he is behaving like this in the future when you're pregnant? Would you be ok with him being like this around your future children? I don't know the answers to those questions (or maybe you don't want kids) - you just said he was "verbally hideous", so I'm not quite sure what that entails. But I do think you need to look at this long term. He's never going to be a 'good drunk' - so either you (and future children) live with it, he stops drinking, or you leave him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Killer Queen Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Do it - video him every time he is drunk, then show him once you have gathered a collection of videos. That way he will be able to see the seriousness of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) You don't want to break up with him..okay. Sooo... He's an alcoholic. Does he realize that? It sounds like he is in a bit of denial. You could tape him, however he may rationalize it or accuse you of altering it somehow. Or it may snap him into reality. The bottom line though, is that you are not going to be able to force him into treatment or force him to admit that he is an alcoholic. He is going to have to do that on his own. You can either stick around and deal with it, or you can get out of the relationship. But DO NOT marry him with the expectation that he will get sober or that he is going to change his behavior...or that you will be able to change him. Assume that this is who you will be marrying. So can you except his behavior as it is, and deal with it for the rest of your life? Only you are going to be able to answer that question. Edited January 3, 2013 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
johnmarry123 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 My DP has always been a good drinker, never had any issues. He could hold his own in social situations, Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) He had either been in a fight or fallen over and he had lipstick on his cheek. Can i just add that i have no issues with the lipstick i know in my core he wouldn't cheat on me, it goes against every moral fibre in his body. You're dealing with a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde personality here. I would watch what you say in regards to what you think you KNOW he would and would not do. I'm sure when he's sober he's the greatest person on the planet. But when Mr. Hyde comes out to play I don't think there are any limitations on what he would do. A person who drinks that much often blacks out. People in black out mode do whatever they feel like doing. They act obnoxiously, can/will cheat on partners, will get into fights and then wake up the next morning with no clue as to what happened. Has a very clear alcohol problem. An alcoholic isn't just someone who drinks day in and day out. Binge drinking is also a form of alcoholism. A person may drink only a couple times a week but when they do, go completely crazy with it (your fiance). There is a very clear lack of control, he has no clue how to monitor the drinking and he doesn't stop when he should. That would put him in alcoholic status. Also, you say he wouldn't cheat, but you also say he lacks any and all consideration for you when he's drunk. You're not the person he loves when he's drunk. You're something to abuse. If I were you, I'd postpone the wedding under clear stipulations that it will not proceed unless he gets himself into AA. He needs help. You can't very well have a drunk abusive person as a husband. What if you had kids? Do you want that mess now taking his rage out on the kids, and showing them that it's OK to treat mom like a pile of garbage? He has a lot of good qualities, but this is a HUGE negative quality. It's not as if he just leaves the toilet seat up and beard hairs stuck to the bathroom sink. This is serious and has potential to be dangerous. This won't get better on it's own and he most certainly isn't going to change overnight. But if you stay, know that this is what you're getting yourself into. Honestly I couldn't marry someone who acted this way. Huge deal breaker. Edited January 7, 2013 by KatZee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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