I went off the deep end online last night

[BrokenPrincess]

So after H went to bed last night, I decided to have some wine & watch That tv show Scandal on Netflix. BAD COMBO

 

Ended up checking xMMs daughters social media, THEN doing some basic googling. Found out his wife's salary. Found out their wedding anniversary, which was exactly 1 week after DDay. I was shocked when I thought about this.

 

We actually had plans to see each other that week (my flights/hotel booked), he never even mentioned it was his anniversary. I felt sick for his W imagining how it must've been 1 week post DDay. He did still see me when I came to town so we could say goodbye.

 

THEN I got really stupid and decided to check out this website I'd read about that calls cell phones voicemail.i tested it on my phone, it played my vm and the phone didn't even ring. One of his daughters posted her cell # online so I had the great idea to try it. Didn't work. THEN I decide to try xMMs cell so I can hear his voice again (once upon a time I had been strong enough to delete all his voicemails off my phone).

 

So it works but the recording is the generic lady just repeating his number. His cell was paid by his work but also used as his personal phone. I can't remember what his outgoing message was but I'm pretty sure it was his voice & company name.

 

SO....did he change his number???? Would he really go through all that (new business cards, letting all his clients know, etc). I mean, he can't change his work email, and I have that, plus personal email, office #, and there's always Facebook messaging if I was that desperate to talk to him.

 

And if he didn't change the #, now in the harsh sobriety if morning, I just read on that stupid site that "frequently" it does show as a missed call and if you call the # back, a recording tells you the site & that you got dialed from it. Uggggghhhhhhh Feel like such an *********.

 

I have not texted, emailed, called him, nothing since DDay. I'm furious at myself for going insane last night. And I'm hurt that he changed his #, even my head says that's an illogical feeling.

 

I dont know if anyone else has done self-destructive, counter-productive things like this (or wants to admit it here) but I feel so upset on so many levels. Going to take a really hot shower now and try to get myself back together.

[Mount]

What are you trying to achieve here? Are you trying to chase him to have him back? I can not remember your story, or are you choosing to stay in NC? If yes, just stay NC,that is it.

[BrokenPrincess]

Yes I want to stay NC but my emotions got the better if me last night. Wine didn't help. Just feel so stupid and embarassed. And hurt that he potentially changed his # because of me. And also kind of shocked & a little disgusted that we were about to spend 3 days holed up together during his wedding anniversary.

[whichwayisup]

And hurt that he potentially changed his # because of me.

 

It isn't just about you, he did it for his wife. Right now he is going to do all that his wife requests him to do and that means cutting off all forms of contact. Prepare yourself - He may block you on facebook.

 

Hope you're feeling better today and try your best not focus on him. Grieve the loss, but keep busy! Don't let him and what happened ruin your Christmas. Spend time with your loved ones - Friends and family who DO love and care about you.

[veryhappy]

Forgive yourself for the relapse. Its not that bad. He won't contact you, and it doesn't matter what they think if they get a missed call and call back.

 

I have checked if exMM voted in this election, and also found he probably got a speeding ticket soon after things fell apart with us. The only things I have access to, as there's no social media to check. I calmed down and that was that.

 

Sleep for long enough and you'll feel better. I havea feeling you didn't sleep a lot last night.

[18Years2Late]

Don't beat yourself up...we've all acted in less than desirable ways especially when the wound is so fresh...eventually u lose interest in trying to "find" him on the http://WWW...

 

I did that after our 1st 2 break-ups...haven't done it at all this time...the only thing I still do though is check the clerk of courts website in his state...that's how I see that BS is still staying strong, not falling for his cr@ppy lies, and D still in progress...and that makes me smile...but I also saw that their house is in foreclosure again as a side finding I wasn't seeking...and that made me sad...for BS...I don't give a rats a$$ right now what happens to him...as long as he's suffering and miserable...

[ComingInHot]

Broken;

I wish I could tell you the number of times I Googled my husband's exOW! I felt like if I knew where she was and what she was doing, I could protect myself & children... in the end, and honestly, it was morbid curiosity... "bad CIH"

[promises]

There is actually a search tool on Google that allows you to see how many times your name (or keyword search) has been googled in a month to month time fame.

 

After dday my name was searched locally over 800 times.

 

Is that slightly crazy?????

Edited December 22, 2012 by promises

[ComingInHot]

Mine too! I didn't know what it meant though til you just said it... Thought it was a telemarketing thing.* ugh!

[screwedovertwenty]

There is actually a search tool on Google that allows you to see how many times your name (or keyword search) has been googled in a month to month time fame.

 

After dday my name was searched locally over 800 times.

 

Is that slightly crazy?????

 

What is that tool called??

[promises]

What is that tool called??

 

Google keyword search tool

[SunsetRed]

LOL...don't feel bad, you sound like me. I've looked at my xMM's 22 year old daughter's fb page. By doing so, I found that he had taken the wife and his daughters on a trip to Vegas and the daughters shared a hotel room, so I'm assuming he shared one w the wife. I found all sorts of info which made me feel like sh%T because I knew he'd lied to me and that I wasn't really imp to him.

 

I love the show Scandal too and I apply some of the lessons from that show to my life. The Pres and the wife really DONT have a good relationship and they really do sleep in separate rooms, BUT she's still the wife and Liv will never play a role more than to satisfy him sexually.

 

My relationship w my xMM is over but as I'm not dating anyone else, I'm still single and occasionally my thoughts wonder back there. I've done my share of cyberstalking, via his sites and the sites of his connections. All it does is make me feel like crap, because his "connections" are connected to him and I'm not. My goal for 2013 is to have healthier behaviors for myself.

 

Peace to you and don't feel bad about what you did...lots of women have done the same thing.

[ThatJustHappened]

Hi Broken. I am the exact opposite of you. I go out of my way to avoid seeing my exes on social media sites (or anywhere else). That way I can imagine that they're still pining for me..or that they've gained 60lbs..or that they've lost a testicle in a horrible badminton accident. It's so much better that way.

[ljpaterson]

Where do you go or what do you search to check people's voicemails? I want to knoww!!! GET BACK TO ME

[BrokenPrincess]

Welp, turns out I had no reason to be worried about him calling back the spy dial #. I googled his business landline (works from home) and guess what! It belongs to someone else now. So looks like he changed BOTH of his work #s.

 

I don't know why, but this has made me incredibly angry. (Hurt in disguise?)

 

My thoughts are literally: F HIM! He thinks I can't help myself but contact his pathetic a$$?!! He has to go to such extremes to make absolutely certain I don't ever speak to him again? Again, F HIM. How can he not even care how I'm doing? After all that?! Good luck begging to save that marriage. Wonder if he finally told her the whole truth.

 

I know it's stemming from embarrassment too that he probably told the rest of my work team his new # EXCEPT ME because guess what everbody! He's not the perfect charming quirky easygoing gentlemen that you all think he is! We've been sleeping together!!! Surprised???????

 

He's sent me naughty texts while I'm in meetings with you all! He kisses me goodbye in the airports! The last day you all saw him before he quit....we had slept in his room together the night before! And when one of you would tell me you recently caught up with him..,I already knew because we're on the phone for hours every day talking about everything! I was just playing dumb.

 

So one more time so I can get it out...F HIM. Change your numbers, f you, don't worry I have NO desire to speak to you.

[ComingInHot]

BrokenPrincess;

I know it may not feel like it right now ( and not for a long while) but this could be the nicest thing he does for you. Inadvertantly I mean, cause I'm sure this is part of the steps in reconciliation...

But you are Pi$$ed now & that's good right now. You No longer want to speak w/him! Another good thing as every time you do, it revves up those feeling for him again not letting yourself move forward. Now you Truly know where he stands, the decision he's made. Get mad about that too. This anger , if you deal w/it right will lead you to the next step in your own healing and moving on.

Just know that he probably does or at least did care for you. It's just he had to make choice once the whole thing came to light. No more manipulating, cake-eating jackhole but big boy decision time. It doesn't mean he didn't care, he just cared about something/one else more. Be angry about that too and get Your revenge by becoming FREE of him & living a genuine, happy life. Arrogant men hate that**

[jwi71]

You actually expect him to contact you to see how you're doing when he had a Dday and is trying to save his marriage? Don't worry about his marriage - you need to worry about your own and stop trying to drink your problems away.

 

I told you then and I'll tell you again now - you'd better hope his (very pissed off) wife doesn't contact your husband. That's why you were told to come clean before she does it for you.

 

Don't think for a minute she won't drop a bomb on your husband at any time.

 

This is what I'd be worried about...her telling your H.

 

CAN she reach your H?

 

OR is your M even worth saving? If not, why not just file for D?

 

IF so, what are you doing to R with your H?

[whichwayisup]

He thinks I can't help myself but contact his pathetic a$$?!! He has to go to such extremes to make absolutely certain I don't ever speak to him again?

You're totally making this about you. It isn't. If he wants to save his marriage, then he is going to do everything his wife has asked him to do..and that included blocking ALL ways of contact.

 

If you had a D-day and your husband asked you to block exMM, you'd do the exact same thing.

 

Your ego is hurting.

 

And yes, I agree with the others, he is doing you a favour. You're extremely lucky his wife hasn't contacted YOUR husband. Though that could still happen in the future, so maybe it's time to consider coming clean to your husband.

[veryhappy]

Princess, from what I remember there were no hopes or plans to be together on both sides. So you didn't lose the fantasy of a life together. It was just the emotional closeness and intensity that sent you spining once he cut you off.

 

You need to deal with feeling rejected. Can you go to therapy? He's made it clear he rejected you and wants nothing to do with you. Now you need to accept that and move on. Going back to be rejected over and over again will only make you feel rejected over and over again. He won't take it back and make you feel better. There is no choice but to accept it.

[alexandria35]

Welp, turns out I had no reason to be worried about him calling back the spy dial #. I googled his business landline (works from home) and guess what! It belongs to someone else now. So looks like he changed BOTH of his work #s.

 

I don't know why, but this has made me incredibly angry. (Hurt in disguise?)

 

My thoughts are literally: F HIM! He thinks I can't help myself but contact his pathetic a$$?!! He has to go to such extremes to make absolutely certain I don't ever speak to him again? Again, F HIM. How can he not even care how I'm doing? After all that?! Good luck begging to save that marriage. Wonder if he finally told her the whole truth.

 

I know it's stemming from embarrassment too that he probably told the rest of my work team his new # EXCEPT ME because guess what everbody! He's not the perfect charming quirky easygoing gentlemen that you all think he is! We've been sleeping together!!! Surprised???????

 

He's sent me naughty texts while I'm in meetings with you all! He kisses me goodbye in the airports! The last day you all saw him before he quit....we had slept in his room together the night before! And when one of you would tell me you recently caught up with him..,I already knew because we're on the phone for hours every day talking about everything! I was just playing dumb.

 

So one more time so I can get it out...F HIM. Change your numbers, f you, don't worry I have NO desire to speak to you.

 

Well to be fair, you did kind of go to extremes by downloading that app and then calling his daughter and him so it seems that he was right to change his telephone numbers. If his daughter is a minor then he should change her tn too.

[coffeebean201]

He sounds quite self-focused.

 

He also sounds like he really liked you.

[BrokenPrincess]

Well to be fair, you did kind of go to extremes by downloading that app and then calling his daughter and him so it seems that he was right to change his telephone numbers. If his daughter is a minor then he should change her tn too.

 

It's just a website that you type in the # on the homepage, no app, no registration. When I tried it on my phone it didn't even ring, it just plays the voicemail. Whatever it was stupid. She's not a minor & she posted her cell # online in a public view social media.

 

I am trying to start therapy. I don't know why it's so hard for me, everyone here makes it sound so easy. After DDay, I got in with an appt with psychiatrist (for 3 agonizing weeks later) but then it turns out that's just a 15minute appointment where she said, hopes it works out for you, here's an AD prescription, come back in 3 months to check in. So now I've been trying to find just a "therapist" but they all seem to be substance addiction focused or don't take insurance. I can't afford the $$$ to pay the full price out of pocket. And I can't ask anyone for recs due to situation. I had no idea this would be so difficult but I found 2 that looked ok I'm going to try calling for rates tomorrow

 

Soooo in the meantime, I'm trying to heal by myself. Yes sometimes wine and extreme venting on LS is involved, but other times exercise, reading, or just keeping business with my friends & family.