Schizophrenic partner and little $--Reason to leave grad school?

[LionTamer]

Hi everyone. I've been trying to make a decision about whether to stay or leave grad school, and thought I could ask some of you for advice. I am the 50 year-old mother of two daughters, both of whom live at home with me. I also have an unmedicated schizophrenic partner (ex-husband) who pays the mortgage out of his disability check (the mortgage is less than $450). He has become verbally and emotionally abusive--last night, for example, he referred to me and my daughters as motherf___ers. I should add that he didn't say it in front of them, and that he's not mean to them.

 

I'm in my first year of grad school--I'm going for an MFA in dramatic writing, with 2 1/2 years to go. Half of my tuition is waived because I'm a TA. I'm also given a stipend that comes out to a little less than $150 a week. I sell books online for an income of about $1000 a month. If my partner leaves, I don't think I can afford to stay in school without taking out loans that would cover my tuition and living expenses. But I don't think I can put up with 2 1/2 more years of him either.

 

Getting an MFA is my dream. But it is just a pipe dream? I could sell my house--I owe less than $25,000 on it-- and repay my loans after I graduate. But at my age, I don't know if anyone would even hire me to teach. I need to make a decision soon so that I can notify the school to find a TA to replace me. Thank you for reading and offering any constructive advice.

[KathyM]

Stay in school. Get the loans you need to do it. Apply for financial aid also to help with the tuition cost. You said your partner is your ex husband. Why is he still living with you? Encourage him to seek help from a mental health professional. Schizophrenia is something that must be medicated.

[CarrieT]

I disagree with Kathy on getting loans for an MFA. I am a 50-year old with MFA and as proud as I am that I stayed with it and got the degree, it is a worthless degree *unless* your aspiration is teaching and - as you said - you will have the age barrier to getting a teaching job.

 

You do have the advantage of being a TA now so that could be a foot hold into teaching at the same college, but it is a tough, low-paying field. Whatever you do, do NOT consider selling your home. That is a homestead and is critical to some level of stability (and you have a really low mortgage!).

 

Why is your partner unmedicated? First and foremost your direction should be securing a safe home for you and your children.

[LionTamer]

He has been medicated on and off for years. But now he's decided the medication is damaging his heart and he doesn't want to take it any more. He saw a cardiologist who told him he didn't have any damage to his heart. He keeps all of his appointments, but always finds a reason to go off his medication--they prevent him from having dreams, turn him into a zombie, damage his heart, etc.

[KathyM]

He has been medicated on and off for years. But now he's decided the medication is damaging his heart and he doesn't want to take it any more. He saw a cardiologist who told him he didn't have any damage to his heart. He keeps all of his appointments, but always finds a reason to go off his medication--they prevent him from having dreams, turn him into a zombie, damage his heart, etc.

That's unfortunate, that his delusions are preventing him from taking medication. It's a vicious cycle. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. All you can do is reiterate to him that the doctor has confirmed that he has no heart problems, heart problems are not a side effect of taking medication for his condition, and that he needs medication to stay healthy. Tell him his condition is a result of a brain chemical imbalance, and medication will help to balance his brain chemicals. You may also want to tell him that if his condition is not treated through medication, it will get worse and harder to treat in the future, and that it's very important to his mental health to take the medication. That's all you can do.

[LionTamer]

Thank you, Kathy. I didn't know his schizophrenia would get harder to treat. Sounds like he's in for a crappy future.

[KathyM]

Thank you, Kathy. I didn't know his schizophrenia would get harder to treat. Sounds like he's in for a crappy future.

His future can be good if his illness is treated with medication. I know a women who has suffered from schizophrenia for several years. She has been taking medication for several years to prevent the hallucinations/delusions that comes with that illness. She lives a pretty good life after being on medication. She receives disability also, but she has a job, a boyfriend, good relationships with family and friends, healthy children and grandchildren. She has a pretty good life because the medication is controlling her hallucinations and delusions. Your ex really does need that. Please encourage him to continue to take the medication.

[LionTamer]

She sounds like an amazing person. My ex refuses to work, even when he is medicated. He claims he has anxiety that makes him want to "run out into the street screaming." If he's going to be late for his job (the few times he's had a job) he'll just go to the mall instead for 8 hours to make me think he was at work. It's impossible to get him to do anything (like take medication) because he doesn't care about me. He has nothing to lose. If I ask him to leave he'll just go to his dad's house and live with him. And of course it will all be my fault. So then he won't talk to me or his daughter. It seems like there's nothing I can do but let him go and figure out how to support myself and my daughters. That's why I need to decide if an MFA is worth the time and money.

[FitChick]

You can write without an MFA. Seems like a vanity degree. You could probably get a job teaching now in a Catholic school or private school. Most of those only require a BA or BS.

[newmoon]

i agree with the post above - how many writers actually have an MFA? not too many, some don't even have a degree period. if your goal is to teach writing at college level then yes, continue on and get the degree. but if it's just for the sake of having it? i'd suggest not continuing, especially since you're not even close to finishing yet. a masters generally takes 2 years total, so it sounds like you haven't even really started. you can still be a writer without the degree and perhaps can look into comething later (or even an online degree) when things settle down in your life. my brother is schizophrenic and sometimes on meds and sometimes not - encourage your ex to stay on meds - it does make them very zombie-like and not much fun to be around, but it's much better than dealing with arguments/violence/delusions and etc. good luck.

[pink_sugar]

He has been medicated on and off for years. But now he's decided the medication is damaging his heart and he doesn't want to take it any more. He saw a cardiologist who told him he didn't have any damage to his heart. He keeps all of his appointments, but always finds a reason to go off his medication--they prevent him from having dreams, turn him into a zombie, damage his heart, etc.

 

This sounds like my aunt who was diagnosed bi-polar manic depression with psychotic episodes (schizophrenia). She *must* also be medicated for life. And even slight changes in medication affect her moods. Just the other day on Christmas eve, she practically threw us all out of my grandmother's house because she thought we weren't including her in our plans...which there were no concrete plans to begin with. It is a devastating disease and must be kept under control. I am sorry you have to experience this. He needs to get medicated or you need to get away. I agree with the others. If you must go back to school at your age, you have to be sure it's a valuable and useful degree due to unfortunate age discrimination that goes on these days.

[LionTamer]

Thank you for your response. I am aware that I may not get a job at my age. I wish I knew someone who could answer that question honestly. It seems like once you reach a certain age you're supposed to just stay home or die or something. There's no work for you any more. I don't know at what point you're supposed to stop pursuing your goals...

[CarrieT]

What makes you think we aren't answering honestly? As others (and me) have said, if you want to write, then write. Why do you feel you need the expensive degree to accomplish that?

 

Honestly, for me, my MFA had saddled me with a huge debt and while my work is in galleries, I could have done that without the degree. Plus I am working as a secretary to pay rent.

 

Your relationship is a separate issue than the degree issue; I think you are making a mistake to tie the two together. Make independent decisions about the mental illness of your partner based on what you want (or don't) in the relationship. But I think losing your home over the desire for a degree is a mistake.

 

Just because you aren't being told what you want to hear does not mean we are not being honest.

[CarrieT]

I am aware that I may not get a job at my age. I wish I knew someone who could answer that question honestly.

I'm going to take another crack at that...

 

Of course no one can answer that question because - in the employment pool - every applicant is different and there is no way to pre-determine your viability as a teacher or employee.

 

Many, many people redirect their careers late in life and succeed. My favorite examples include:

 

• Julia Child - didn't even start cooking school until she was in her 40s.
  
• Sidney Greenstreet (the fat man in the movie, Casablanca) - didn't start acting until his late 50s.
  
• Grandma Moses (famous folk artist) - didn't start painting until she was 76
  
• Gandhi - was a lawyer until his 50s, when he returned to India after practicing law abroad and became a political leader
  
• Dr. Ruth - was a professor of education before becoming a sexologist at the age of 52
  
• Colonel Sanders (Kentucky Fried Chicken fame) - didn't open his first restaurant until the age of 65
  

And here are some authors that got famous later in life:

 

• Laura Ingalls Wilder - published at the age of 65
  
• Nina and Tim Zagat - published in their 50s
  
• Frank McCourt - one the Pulitzer for Angela's Ashes (his first novel) written at the age of 57.
  

 

 

 

 

So there.

[LionTamer]

Hi Carrie,

 

Thanks for the list of late-bloomers! That's inspiring.

 

I shouldn't have used the word "honestly." I didn't mean to imply that I didn't get honest advice. I guess I should have said "informed." But that wouldn't have been correct either because you are informed. I guess I was just frustrated when I posted that.

 

And of course I want someone to say that the degree is a good idea, because it's something I want to accomplish in my life. But I don't know if it's worth the price. It seems it will probably be a financial burden to me and my daughters with no pay-off. I need to seriously think about an alternate plan.

 

Thank you again.