Now Convinced he has Narcisstic Personality Disorder (and I'm insane)

[neveragain34]

A few days ago we were talking about the possibility of MM having personality disorders. Ever since, I have been reading every blog and website related to NPD and I'm 99% positive my exMM has this disorder! They are con-artists who need an ego supply which they get from the many OW who are unfortunate enough to cross paths with these seducers. When the high of supply decreases, they discard the OW and move on to the next supply. It's like they build a tolerance to us! They also make you doubt yourself and do crazy things you never thought possible. They feel no remorse and when the BS finds out, they still don't stop the cheating behavior (but they are very good at convincing the BS they have stopped).

 

To prove this, I have been communicating with xMM

through a fake email account I created in response to a Craigslist ad he posted a few weeks ago (that's another story). Yes, its crazy, but is therapeutic to me to see this and move on! His wife experienced d-day last week (she knows about me and one other woman), yet he still continues to talk with this fake person I've created even through all the turmoil he is experiencing after dday and trying to get his BS back!!! In his emails, he is portraying himself as a divorced man, nice guy, etc. He is starting with the charming as well!!! Everything he did with me in the beginning. This is so sickening. I never thought people like this really existed. I thought narcissism meant you were just conceited, but this man is really a tool and will never change.

 

Something to think about for those of you OW who ever felt your MM was too good to be true in the beginning. That's exactly how they suck you in! Read more about it and good look recovering when it's over!

[KathyM]

That's very true, that these types (NPDs) are not likely to change, and are likely to continue the same patterns that they've had for most of their adult life. Personality disorders, in general, are very hard to treat. They are very engrained, and a part of the person's personality/character. Also, people with NPD usually don't admit that they have a problem, and they feel entitled to act the way they do, so they are likely to continue on the same path.

[neveragain34]

Please do the BS a favor and forward those emails to her...seeing that it's still happening and that his reconciliation is false may give her what she needs to see this man for what he is and be free of him.

 

I forwarded them the last time and she said this is this 19th time he's cheated that she knows of! I'm sure there are so many more. She said this was the last time, but I doubt that. If she hasn't left him by now, it will never happen. No other emails will make a difference here. I'm just glad I caught it early on instead of wasting years with him!

[promises]

I forwarded them the last time and she said this is this 19th time he's cheated that she knows of! I'm sure there are so many more. She said this was the last time, but I doubt that. If she hasn't left him by now, it will never happen. No other emails will make a difference here. I'm just glad I caught it early on instead of wasting years with him!

 

19 times???????

 

Lololol

[cherryflower]

Good for you! It's good you've found out. I'm sure it will help in your healing process to see what he actually is like.

 

He could also be a psychopath. I've been married to a diagnosed psychopath (the asexual type), and since I've read a lot about the topic I know they often are serial cheaters too. Now, since I married an asexual type, I stepped into an affair with a married man during my divorce process, so I landed up in a double mess .

 

You could read "The Sociopath Next Door" written by Martha Stout. It's a good and even entertaining book and gives you an excellent insight into the way of thinking of these people.

[neveragain34]

Good for you! It's good you've found out. I'm sure it will help in your healing process to see what he actually is like.

 

He could also be a psychopath. I've been married to a diagnosed psychopath (the asexual type), and since I've read a lot about the topic I know they often are serial cheaters too. Now, since I married an asexual type, I stepped into an affair with a married man during my divorce process, so I landed up in a double mess .

 

You could read "The Sociopath Next Door" written by Martha Stout. It's a good and even entertaining book and gives you an excellent insight into the way of thinking of these people.

 

I am afraid to look up info now! Lol Psychopath sounds even scarier than narcissist. This man was extremely charming and made me feel like the most amazing woman on earth. He knew just what words to say, things to do, etc. I thought he was perfect and I had found my soulmate! Unfortunately, that's what every woman he has met feels.

 

In researching information about NPD, I came across the other type B personalities and I've been thinking I am very similar to a borderline. :-/ Never even heard of BPD till now; maybe that's why he came in to my life...to learn about my own flaws and try and fix them from here. Who knows. (Did I mention NPDs often seek out BPD because they know they are insecure, easily swayed, and stay in bad relationships? :-( )

[cherryflower]

Well, all the type B personality disorders are low on empathy, so I wouldn't say too quickly that you're borderline. It's not because you sometimes feel low and then switch to feeling happy again that you're borderline. A personality disorder is something way more rigid and usually stands in the way of self-reflection. So the fact that you're even contemplating that you're borderline, would be a case against you being borderline

 

My ex's behaviour was first described as borderline, and he was getting into rage fits, having terribly abandoned feelings, and was running around the house carrying butcher's knives to commit suicide (not carried out, I guess it was all intimidation). So unless you do that, I wouldn't immediately say you're borderline.

 

My ex would never accept the descriptions of health professionals. He was misunderstood, no he wasn't selfish at all, he was the most giving person on earth. Bla bla bla. No self-reflections whatsoever.

[egalew]

Never, your story is exactly --- and I mean exactly -- like mine. I too was involved with the most loving, generous, sweet guy on the face of the earth. People would say: "He's crazy about you."

 

We had a D-day in October and the wife started moving swiftly toward divorce, stating she was "unhappy for years." Hmmm.....

 

We an an intense two months after the D-day. Then out of the blue -- and I mean out of the blue -- I was dumped. Case at point: He's at my house. We have a nice, lovely evening. In the span of 10 minutes, I watch him order my daughter 3 X-mas presents online. (NPP sign: He's a shop-alcoholic/hoarder.) An hour later he has a "meltdown" and I get a "form letter/e-mail" break-up the next day, saying, in essence: "Thanks for your services." This was after a year and thousands of e-mails, texts stating he "adored me" and "never felt closer to anyone."

 

Thus, I started reading about NPP and realized he fits the bill to a T.

 

Flash forward: I set up a "fake" CL's ad and he answers, and he starts moving very, very fast on the fake woman, coming on heavy and lying in the process. I take it one step forward: I "arranged" two dates with him, which I stand in up. He sat around twice waiting for the mystery woman to show up.

 

The CL ad is extreme. However, like you, it showed me who he really is and helping me move on.

[neveragain34]

Ugh. These men are disgusting. Just got off the phone with his wife. After d-day, he told her I meant nothing, he never loved me, etc. I played most of his old voicemails to her right now and she asked me to stop midway through, that she had enough proof (and I can imagine how hard it was to hear). She also said he hasn't sounded that happy in ages. Ugh!! I hate him. I feel so bad for her now; she was so sweet and worried about me, total opposite of what he portrayed. I could even see myself being her friend if we were just two women who met in everyday life. She even said that it sounds like we'd be happy together and she wouldn't get in the way if I wanted him. What the heck is wrong with her??? I don't think she quite understood that every voicemail she heard was part of his "act".

[egalew]

Shocked by the similarities in our stories.

 

I would never contact the ex-wife. She is in way too much pain. She's plowing forward on the divorce, and I pray and hope she sticks to her guns. Honestly, I don't see how in the hell she could stay with him now, given she found thousands of texts and e-mails between us, and I suspect other women.

 

I often wish she would seek me out, so I could hear her side and gain insight on his deceptive behavior.

 

How did you get "dumped" by your guy? Also, is his wife going to go through with the divorce?

 

As I said, with me it was a f----- form letter. He's very intelligent and amazing writer, so it was all very professional and crisp.

[neveragain34]

Shocked by the similarities in our stories.

 

I would never contact the ex-wife. She is in way too much pain. She's plowing forward on the divorce, and I pray and hope she sticks to her guns. Honestly, I don't see how in the hell she could stay with him now, given she found thousands of texts and e-mails between us, and I suspect other women.

 

I often wish she would seek me out, so I could hear her side and gain insight on his deceptive behavior.

 

How did you get "dumped" by your guy? Also, is his wife going to go through with the divorce?

 

As I said, with me it was a f----- form letter. He's very intelligent and amazing writer, so it was all very professional and crisp.

 

He didn't dump me; I ended it after realizing he was looking for women on CL. He doesn't know that I know about CL. I told him I met someone else I would like to date and see what happens (true actually). He was furious at first, then said he understood, will always love me, blah, blah, blah.

 

His wife says she's going to divorce him after the holidays, but I doubt it. She has very strong religious convictions which have made her stick around this long (13 years and 19 affairs that she knows of). She sounded very insecure and broken when I spoke to her last night. (He doesn't know we are talking. So many details to this story but I'm giving you the gist.)

 

I think you should talk to the wife. I was afraid at first, but realized I owed her the truth and it also helped me to hear her side and to know he was telling her all the wonderful things he told me and that they were happy (not the picture he painted). How do you know for sure she is plowing on with the divorce? That could be another lie from him. It sounds like he may have ended it with you because you no longer provided the ego supply that narcissists need. Although mine didn't end it, I'm sure it was coming if I hadn't done it first since he was already looking for his next victim. They keep you as backup in case a new one doesn't work out.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Don't you think it's now time to STOP investing any time and energy at all in this mess of a man and his broken marriage? Please leave it all in your past and move on to healthier and happier times.

[neveragain34]

Don't you think it's now time to STOP investing any time and energy at all in this mess of a man and his broken marriage? Please leave it all in your past and move on to healthier and happier times.

 

Yes, it's definitely time! I was just thinking, not only do I need to cut all contact from him (which is in effect already), but also from his wife, from googling information about affairs and the mind, and even from these love shack forums. Every minute I spend doing these things, trying to make sense of it all, is another minute spent wasted on him.

[cherryflower]

I don't think it's bad that you're still looking for more information, I guess you need it to process things completely. It's sometimes good to really dig to the core of something, so that you truly realize what you've been through and how you've been deceived. If you don't you might land up in a different but similar experience later on.

 

This way, in stead of forcing yourself not to look up info about him, you will outgrow him, and other men who might seem different at first but have similar issues. And at the same time you can look at issues within yourself that make you a good target for deceptive men like him.

[MsDecember]

I am a B.S. and I was flabbergasted to find out my Ex H true character. Total narcissistic man who truly only cares about himself. I also am a person who needs all the puzzle pieces to heal. I found out so much about him that I feel like my entire life was a lie. I saw how unimportant our marriage and our kids meant to him as he never skipped a beat or showed any emotion for he destruction he left. These types of people are sick. I have information for his OW ,that stuck It out for him whether or not he deserves anyone. I would want to know if my man was on Craigs list or Ashley Madison and actively looking for sex while he is in a committed relationship. Would an OW turned Gf or Wife want to know the same?

[neveragain34]

I am a B.S. and I was flabbergasted to find out my Ex H true character. Total narcissistic man who truly only cares about himself. I also am a person who needs all the puzzle pieces to heal. I found out so much about him that I feel like my entire life was a lie. I saw how unimportant our marriage and our kids meant to him as he never skipped a beat or showed any emotion for he destruction he left. These types of people are sick. I have information for his OW ,that stuck It out for him whether or not he deserves anyone. I would want to know if my man was on Craigs list or Ashley Madison and actively looking for sex while he is in a committed relationship. Would an OW turned Gf or Wife want to know the same?

 

I think she should know for sure. If he is a true narcissist, he probably has her under a spell right now so she will convince herself the information is false or that he won't do it again and she will stay with him. I was under the same spell and ignored the first two revealings of my xMM (1. finding out he was married, 2. sleeping with an ex while we were together). Eventually she will come out of the spell like you and I have and see him for the man he truly is. Whatever information you have will help her get there sooner. Please tell her.