sweetsmith88 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 OK: we were engaged, and we broke up. We both knew we were broken up and it didn't look like we were ever getting back together. I was bored and lonely and wanted distraction, and I set up a profile on a dating site. I legitimately wasn't attracted to or interested in anyone there, or elsewhere, I was still totally in love with my ex-fiance and I only ever wanted him. I didn't reply to any messages I recieved, show any pictures, and I deleted the account after a few days. Long story short he found out, and says his life is destroyed because I cheated on him. He has had gfs sleep with other people in the past and his mom also cheated on his dad a lot so he is very sensitive about this issue. Is it cheating if a) we were broken up and b) apart from putting up the profile and reading some messages, I had no interaction with another man? I understand it looks bad since we were engaged, and I think it would be really ****ty and shallow of me to actually date/sleep with someone so soon after a serious relationship, but this wasn't that, I was just distressed and acting irrationally and thoughtlessly. I have not even looked at or been attracted/aroused by ANYONE, not even movie stars I used to like, since I fell in love with him Is he overreacting or am I a horrible person? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 How can you be engaged if you're broken up? In all honesty I think you're asking the wrong question here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 No, thats not cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Were you actually "broken up" or were you on a "break" to access the relationship and whether to go forward? Meaning were their ground rules? Like sometimes when people go on a "break" they agree not to see anyone during the period and they're mostly just spending time apart. If it was an actual real "break up" then its not cheating and he needs to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Were you actually "broken up" or were you on a "break" to access the relationship and whether to go forward? Meaning were their ground rules? Like sometimes when people go on a "break" they agree not to see anyone during the period and they're mostly just spending time apart. If it was an actual real "break up" then its not cheating and he needs to get over it. Especially if it was his idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 This is why time is needed when a relationship ends before you start dating again. This includes looking at dating websites. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I'm a big fan of making certain both parties understand the terms of a break-up/break. Either agree others are still off-limits while you sort things out, or agree it's a free-for-all. This would make any subsequent actions indisputably cheating or not cheating. As far as the dating site; sounds more like self-therapy to help cope with the loss than actually trying to get laid. Your ex overreacted in a big way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Well, it depends on how long you were broken up before you went on the dating sites. If it was two or more months, well...that's one thing. But, if it was just a couple of weeks or just a few days, then it conveys that you never mourn the loss of the of the relationship. That you really didn't care about him or the relationship if you were willing to date so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 His life is destroyed? Really? Oh come on...he's overreacting. You two broke up. I can understand not rubbing it in someone's face when you start dating someone new, but this doesn't sound like the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetsmith88 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 we were broken up, I thought for good, he talked on the phone for an hour saying goodbye and why he couldn't ever see me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetsmith88 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 I wasn't trying to get laid at all. I don't want anyone else. I was just trying to cope. Today he said he loves me and wants me but finding this out has driven him to the "brink of suicide" and he has to leave to "save his own life." He is absolutely terrified to death of being hurt again and that's why he's gone. Except he can't make up his mind. He keeps saying, "I forgive you, let's work it out," and then an hour later will act like he hates me and it's unforgivable again. I can deal with one OR the other but the constant changes of heart is realllllllllllllly wearing me down, he keeps getting my hopes up and then changing his mind. I'm torn between screaming at him for how idiotic he's being and crying and begging and apologizing. I have NO dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I wasn't trying to get laid at all. I don't want anyone else. I was just trying to cope. Today he said he loves me and wants me but finding this out has driven him to the "brink of suicide" and he has to leave to "save his own life." He is absolutely terrified to death of being hurt again and that's why he's gone. Except he can't make up his mind. He keeps saying, "I forgive you, let's work it out," and then an hour later will act like he hates me and it's unforgivable again. I can deal with one OR the other but the constant changes of heart is realllllllllllllly wearing me down, he keeps getting my hopes up and then changing his mind. I'm torn between screaming at him for how idiotic he's being and crying and begging and apologizing. I have NO dignity. How he's behaving is called the roller coaster of emotions and it is completely NORMAL! You need to give him time. He needs to process this, because he has no reason to believe you right now. You have to look outside the box and see how this situation looks to him. So, how do you deal with the roller coaster. If he yells, let him yell. If he screams, let him scream. If he crys, let him cry. If he laughs, let him laugh. But, most important, let him know that you're going to ride this coaster out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 So he's the one who initiated the breakup? What was it over, if you don't mind talking about it. It doesn't seem fair for him to dump you, then get mad at you over a profile on a dating site. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I wasn't trying to get laid at all. I don't want anyone else. I was just trying to cope. Today he said he loves me and wants me but finding this out has driven him to the "brink of suicide" and he has to leave to "save his own life." He is absolutely terrified to death of being hurt again and that's why he's gone. Except he can't make up his mind. He keeps saying, "I forgive you, let's work it out," and then an hour later will act like he hates me and it's unforgivable again. I can deal with one OR the other but the constant changes of heart is realllllllllllllly wearing me down, he keeps getting my hopes up and then changing his mind. I'm torn between screaming at him for how idiotic he's being and crying and begging and apologizing. I have NO dignity. I can't stress enough that you need to get away from this guy, and alert the police or someone. Threatening suicide is NOT a joke. Now, that aside, he seems extremely unstable. He told you he couldn't be with you or ever see you again, and then finds out you might be moving on and suddenly wants you back? And is crying and waffling and not able to control his emotions? Sorry, but this is one roller coaster you want to get OFF. Let someone know that he's really having a hard time and what he's been saying, and then immediately go NC. You don't need this. Link to post Share on other sites
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