Emotional Affair Breaking My Heart

[dosgirl]

This is my first post. I've been reading for a few weeks. But the posting tend to make me sad about my situation.

 

I'm 2yrs out of a 15yr abusive marriage. I have dated a couple of guys but they always end up being abusive or users. I had all but given up when a new guy started at work. I had a mad crush on him that I assumed would go nowhere because he was married. We jokingly flirted and then about 6mos in he confessed that he was miserable in his marriage. (I had known that his marriage was unhappy.) He also confessed that he was in love with me.

 

Nothing happened at first because his wife was ill. After she was well, he left her twice. The first time he only stayed gone a day. The next, a week. We actually had a real date before he went back the second time. He felt unbearably guilty. Nothing sexual happened either time.

 

Now he says he can't leave until after Christmas.

 

The problem is that we work closely every day. He tells me he loves me every day and some days we manage a kiss before he leaves work.

 

I believe that he loves me but I also believe he feels incredible guilt because she hasn't been a terrible wife. I don't know if he really will leave or not after the holidays. I am obviously worried that he won't and that I'm "saving" myself for nothing.

 

But I can't move on as long as we see each other every day and we both love each other. I have given him a deadline. But I'm very doubtful he will make it. I would almost feel more secure if we *were* sleeping together. But the fact that he won't makes me respect him more.

 

He has no kids and hasn't been married to her for very long. We are both in our late 30's though I'm older.

 

Anyway, I'm just dreading the holidays alone (my kids are with their dad). Any encouraging words will be appreciated.

 

I'm not proud of myself. But this is the first person I've met who seems to genuinely love me and isn't trying to use me for sex.

[dosgirl]

I appreciate the advice. I know falling for a married guy fits my pattern. It's abuse of a different sort perpetrated by me. I will check out the site. Mostly my problem is being afraid of rejection so I never pursue a man. The ones who push through my walls tend to be bad guys.

 

I feel like I know this guy and other than him being married he doesn't seem to be abusive. I've been fooled before though. He is respectful about his wife. I think he obviously still loves her even though he claims to be miserable.

 

If he doesn't leave by the first week of January I'll have to change jobs. I just can't move on while he is so much a part of my life. He tells me to date but how can I when I love him?

 

Why do you think it won't work? Because he isn't going to leave or because of his/my character for engaging in this emotional affair? I have my own reservations bc I have so many issues from my marriage. It leaves me conflicted because I worry he only wants to leave for me and I can't guarantee it will work out.

[ComingInHot]

dosgirl;

Please know this comes from a good place*

 

I hear you asking why your A won't work to turn into an honest, out in the open relationship. There are a-loy of reasons why it won't. There are reasons why it shouldn't. And there are reasons from posters why it Could and why it should.

I think the questions you need to eventually ask are a lot harder.

-Why don't you "pursue" men you are attracted to (that are single)?

-Why wait for the "wrong &/or unavailable" men to pursue you already knowing the type that seek out your type? (Type Not meant in a bad way towards you)*

-If you are basing your past experience(which we all do)on whom you are attracted to, how are you addressing that & making any changes w/in yourself?

-If you (from how it sounds) have "considered" his Wife and bare no ill will towards her, what is your reasoning for doing something that would/could ultimately lead her to what could be the most painful and hearbreaking experience & betrayal of her life?

 

Repercussions of your job/career?

Social fallout?

Aftermath if A does go legitimate?

Co-dependant enabling?

 

I fear for your own heartbreak as well! It sounds like you've had your share of that already.

 

And Honestly, if you two have kissed then this A is already "physical".

 

It is much easier to justify and reason ourselves into what we normally wouldn't do rather than figure out what in us compels us to do (or consider doing) something potentially self destructive as well as destructive to others.

 

Final thought, be good to yourself this holiday! Dwell on your blessings, not on what you can't have or wish you Could have*

Blessings*

[dosgirl]

@Alice,

I see your point about not wanting to leave. He says he's not leaving for me but he would not have left either time if it weren't for me. He has reasons for staying. She was ill. Once she was recooperated I told him if he didn't leave I was going on dates. He left every time I threatened to date. But he felt guilty both times and ended up going right back. He says he has to stay through Christmas. I don't think he'll leave unless I tell him I am going to date again. So I haven't threatened. I feel terribly guilty. I actually told him to go back the second time because he cried after we went to the movies. He said he felt so guilty.

 

I know he doesn't really want me to date. He gets jealous when men come into the office and flirt with me. The only date I had since we shared our feelings triggered him to leave. He just feels terrible when I cry. I get very sad on Fridays or holidays. He says he doesn't want me to sit home alone.

 

You are also right about the KISA. He wants to protect me from my ex. I often don't have enough money and he buys me food a lot. I am a typical damsel in distress.

 

We never see each other outside of work but we work together all day M-F. He sometimes messages me on the weekends and at night.

 

I do wonder what the truth is about his home life. I wonder if he is as unhappy as he says. I'm sure she tells another story. I know she knew he left her because I saw the letter she wrote begging him to come home.

 

I also worry that I only see one side of him and that he is secretly abusive also because my ex was very protective and jealous like him when we were dating and the abuse didn't show up until after we were married.

[dosgirl]

I can't figure out this quote thing but I tried to answer.

dosgirl;

Please know this comes from a good place*

 

>>>>>>>I do know that.

 

I hear you asking why your A won't work to turn into an honest, out in the open relationship. There are a-loy of reasons why it won't. There are reasons why it shouldn't. And there are reasons from posters why it Could and why it should.

I think the questions you need to eventually ask are a lot harder.

-Why don't you "pursue" men you are attracted to (that are single)?

 

›>>>>>>>>>>>>>

That's easy. I am afraid of rejection. My ex spent our entire marriage tearing apart my self-esteem. I cant see why anyone would want me. The few dating attempts I have made have confirmed these fears.

 

 

-Why wait for the "wrong &/or unavailable" men to pursue you already knowing the type that seek out your type? (Type Not meant in a bad way towards you)*

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

I had basically given up even looking when he came back to work. He worked with me a year+ ago but we had different positions then so we didn't become close. I do know that there is something broken in me that abusers and users instantly recognize and are drawn to. I just don't feel safe emotionally putting myself out there anymore unless I am sure the guy really likes me.

 

 

 

-If you are basing your past experience(which we all do)on whom you are attracted to, how are you addressing that & making any changes w/in yourself?

 

›>>>>>>>>>>i am in group therapy with the women's shelter. I can't do individual because of work. I haven't shared about this relationship because I don't want to risk their judgement. I am doing work in building my self-esteem (obviously this relationship doesn't help) and I am learning to take care of myself (this being key to not becoming reliant on another abusive man). This is not an easy task and will probably take years. I do see that I'm not ready for a relationship but I do get terribly lonely when the kids are away.

 

 

 

-If you (from how it sounds) have "considered" his Wife and bare no ill will towards her, what is your reasoning for doing something that would/could ultimately lead her to what could be the most painful and hearbreaking experience & betrayal of her life?

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>I have given this much thought. I have no good answers. I was devastated by my husband's infidelity so I do know exactly how she would feel.

 

 

 

Repercussions of your job/career?

Social fallout?

Aftermath if A does go legitimate?

Co-dependant enabling?

 

 

->>>>>>>>I would have to leave my job if we were to be a real couple. Other that there would be little fallout. Both of us are loners so other than our families no one would know how it began.

 

 

 

I fear for your own heartbreak as well! It sounds like you've had your share of that already.

 

And Honestly, if you two have kissed then this A is already "physical".

 

 

>>>>>>>>I agree. There is a line that we haven't crossed but we do kiss. My heart is already broken because I either walk away or hurt someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is much easier to justify and reason ourselves into what we normally wouldn't do rather than figure out what in us compels us to do (or consider doing) something potentially self destructive as well as destructive to others.

 

Final thought, be good to yourself this holiday! Dwell on your blessings, not on what you can't have or wish you Could have*

Blessings*

[dosgirl]

@Coming

I do appreciate your thoughtful reply and you said many things I needed to hear. I am trying to take care of me this holiday. This is my second Christmas eve alone in 18 years so it is hard not to be sad. It is also hard not to be mad at myself. Because I brought this current situation on myself.

[dosgirl]

@Lady,

 

You are right. The jealousy is a huge red flag. He also seems upset whenever I leave work early for any reason - child sick etc. My gut is telling me something but my heart is telling me he loves me.

 

I am not whole so it is impossible for me to have a healthy dating life right now. This psuedo-relationship has been sustaining me but ultimately it is doing me more harm.

 

I am just so terribly lonely. I would just like someone to be with.

 

Ultimately I had hoped for a different answer but I think I am hearing what I need to hear. I probably should look for another job.

[ComingInHot]

dosgirl;

Thanks for the honest reply*

Two things stand out: "don't like being alone & fear of being judged".

Feeling alone/unloved vs Being alone & unloved are two totally different things. I think most people have experienced both. From having your immediate family And your group therapy, it sounds as if you are Not alone but feel lonely.

Then being afraid to divuldge tour current situation to your group therapy sessions negates the point of group therapy in dealing w/the present issues that are causing you such great despair.

Put these two together and it makes perfect sense that due to fear of being judged, the full story/issues are not being shared therefore alienating you from those that could/would help you, leaving you feeling more alone even outside of your MM's time spent away from you w/his family. Ultimately this feeds your low self esteem building an even greater co-dependant nature.

BUT, I DO UNDERSTAND! I'm not condoning your behavior or choices but I Do see where one thing perpetuates another.

 

There are some VERY Wise women who have been in similar situations and your. My advice is to listen to what they have to say.

 

I mean what do I know? I'm just some BW calling out to strangers on the web hoping to make a difference, turn my tragedy into something beautiful by way of helping others*

 

((Hugs))

 

P.s., "I think I'm going to have a second glass of holiday cheer"

[HonestNeurotic]

Better to be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.

 

I look at dating a married guy as the ultimate in never having to worry about getting a commitment. That's all it ever can be. I don't think he's good relationship material for you, if that is what you are seeking.

 

He doesn't really have a "right" to be jealous - so I would look at that as a warning signal of a control freak.

 

Or perhaps he just really likes the drama. Delusions of forbidden love, that true love, that no one else has but you two. It's the dopamine in the kissing. It feels great. But that doesn't mean it's good for you.

[dosgirl]

@Coming, thank you for your insight. You are right on so many counts. I am very sorry for your betrayal. I too have been there. I formerly met the woman my ex left me for the night after my first date with this guy and I bawled. I knew he had lied to her so I didn't blame her but it was so devastating to see in person. I told him that night that he should go back and try to make it work if he could. I told him I couldn't be a part of what broke them up. If we didn't work together it would be done. But he keeps telling me he loves me and that he's miserable. I got sucked right back in.

 

The truth is I just want my family back minus the abuse. But my ex is NPD and will not change. I think part of it is a lack of belief that I will ever have that again. I'm scared to let go of the one person who claims to love me. I was dealt a terrible hand in life. I married my prince charming and he turned out to be a monster. He found a way to rob me of everything. I just want someone who will love me and be by my side as I rebuild.

 

I see now that this will not work. I can't see a way out unless I change jobs. He will continue stringing me along until I have rebuilt my life on vapor.

[dosgirl]

@Coming, thank you for your insight. You are right on so many counts. I am very sorry for your betrayal. I too have been there. I formerly met the woman my ex left me for the night after my first date with this guy and I bawled. I knew he had lied to her so I didn't blame her but it was so devastating to see in person. I told him that night that he should go back and try to make it work if he could. I told him I couldn't be a part of what broke them up. If we didn't work together it would be done. But he keeps telling me he loves me and that he's miserable. I got sucked right back in.

 

The truth is I just want my family back minus the abuse. But my ex is NPD and will not change. I think part of it is a lack of belief that I will ever have that again. I'm scared to let go of the one person who claims to love me. I was dealt a terrible hand in life. I married my prince charming and he turned out to be a monster. He found a way to rob me of everything. I just want someone who will love me and be by my side as I rebuild.

 

I see now that this will not work. I can't see a way out unless I change jobs. He will continue stringing me along until I have rebuilt my life on vapor.

[promises]

Better to be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.

 

 

 

yes. ultimately this is a much better place to be.

[dosgirl]

@Honest,

You are right. I am almost more lonely than before this started. I do want a genuine relationship.

 

I imagine that you are correct about the lure of the dopamine and the forbidden love. I can't figure out what he gets from this. We aren't having sex. I'm poor. I have a bunch of kids. His wife makes a lot of money and they don't have children. I couldn't figure why he wanted me unless he really was unhappy and really did love me. But your theory makes sense.

[alexandria35]

@Honest,

You are right. I am almost more lonely than before this started. I do want a genuine relationship.

 

I imagine that you are correct about the lure of the dopamine and the forbidden love. I can't figure out what he gets from this. We aren't having sex. I'm poor. I have a bunch of kids. His wife makes a lot of money and they don't have children. I couldn't figure why he wanted me unless he really was unhappy and really did love me. But your theory makes sense.

 

Dosgirl his wife makes good money and doesn't have kids. She sounds independant and probably doesn't make him feel needed. She likely views him as an equal adult and doesn't stroke his ego by being helpless or needy. By contrast he buys you and your family food sometimes and you probably show him gratitude for that. His wife can by her own food and likely anything else she wants so she's not about to gush all over him for picking up some groceries. He probably doesn't shower her with appreciation for every little thing she does either. Your basic needs make him feel manly which tells me your relationship with him doesn't have so much to do with who you are as a person as much as it has to do with him needing to feel good about himself.

 

Be careful about looking for prince charming. There isn't one. You say your ex was NPD. I suspect my ex was personality disordered too, likely borderline. When I met him I too was a single mom and he was so charasmatic, charming and handsome. He came on strong and made me feel like I had finally met the one man made just for me. His intense focus on me made me feel loved and appreciated in a way I had never felt before and I fell hard for him. Over time I learned that he was a very weak insecure needy man who steered clear of strong independent women because they could never fill his bottomless need to have his ego stroked and his insecurites soothed. I think he did come to love me in his own twisted needy way but sometimes he would say something and I'd feel like I'd been punched in the gut because I knew he was telling the truth. Like once he said he always got attracted to weak women. Ugh! I felt sick because I knew I had been in a very weak vulnerable place when I met him and it was disgusting to know that was one of the things that attracted him to me. I remember how pissed off he acted with me when I decided to learn how to drive an get my license. Anytime I did anything to improve myself or my life he became filled with panic that I was going to leave him and he would make my life miserable for it. Any sign of my independance was a huge threat to him.

 

Now I'm not saying your MM is as extreme as my ex was but I do believe he is attracted to your weakness, not your strength. He would never say anything like that though. My ex used to tell me I was the most amazing caring person he had ever met, meanwhile he was basking in my being too naive and stupid to see through his crap. We were both needy weak people but I hated knowing that so I fought back and made myself get stronger and more independant. I didn't want anyone becoming attracted to me because they saw me as weak and vulnerable ever again. Dosgirl if sometimes you can't buy food for yourself and your kids, and I'm not judging you for that as I've been there, then you need to focus on what you need to do to fix that situation. Just letting a married guy pick up the slack isn't going to serve you well in the long run. Put your focus on improving your life and your kids will be impressed by their strong independant mother and become strong individuals themselves.

[Catplates]

@Honest,

You are right. I am almost more lonely than before this started. I do want a genuine relationship.

 

I imagine that you are correct about the lure of the dopamine and the forbidden love. I can't figure out what he gets from this. We aren't having sex. I'm poor. I have a bunch of kids. His wife makes a lot of money and they don't have children. I couldn't figure why he wanted me unless he really was unhappy and really did love me. But your theory makes sense.

 

You aren't having sex yet, but I'll bet that's what this guy wants.

 

He's probably not unhappy at all. Aman will do all kinds of things to get sex but it does not mean that he loves you.

 

Look to your kids... they are worth everything. The repercussions of an A could be very detrimetnal to them

 

All the best,

Cat

[dosgirl]

@Alexandria, I think you may be right about him being attracted to my weakness. I invariably attract controlling men because I was raised to be a helpless woman who needs to be taken care of. That is why I attract such controlling men. I am working on this but almost 4 decades of being a "damsel in distress" is a hard habit to break. He doesn't seem to be controlling at work other than the jealousy. But I don't know what goes on in his home.

 

@Just_A_Poster, I see this as a viable scenario. I have a friend who did the same thing. She was miserable in her marriage so she ended up having an affair that when she looked back, she was able to see was just an excuse to leave. Sometimes it is hard to leave without a good "reason" - it was hard for me to leave and I had multiple reasons.

 

@Cat, I don't feel like that's all he wants. He isn't willing to go beyond kissing until he leaves for good. Even the week he left he didn't want to because he hadn't told her he wanted a divorce yet, just that he "needed time away." I feel like he wants something more but I could be wrong. As has been said before on this thread, I have a broken man-picker. So I don't trust my own judgement.

 

@all, I am looking for another job this weekend. I am also trying to focus on rebuilding my life (not easy after the destruction wrecked on me by my ex) without taking any "if's" into account. I don't see how I can break things off and continue to work with him. The lure of someone telling you how beautiful and wonderful you are every day is hard to resist when you are lonely and feeling hopeless.