HighFlight12 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 So I've been best friends with a woman that I grew up with for about 8 years. I always wanted to be with her, and finally I pursued her. Throughout the 8 years I had been in relationships, all I could think of was her. I dated other women because she never really put forth the effort as I did. When I got in my last relationship, I didn't hear from her for maybe 2 years due to my decisions. When we started talking again, it was as if we had never stopped talking. I asked her to be with me recently and she declined me and said that her feelings were not consistent for me and that she has tried to be consistent. I feel that I don't know how I am suppose to be with her now, the only thing I knew to do was to back off and give her space. What do I do about her, should I wait, should I move on (every woman I have ever dated, it didn't feel right being with them, with her it's no pressure). I still want to be her friend, she's my best friend, but I am hurt over this situation, but I'd never admit it to her. What do I do? I just don't know what to do. I have had very limited contact with her, and I told her I didn't know how to be towards her now, so she told me that if i felt I needed to take space from her, she understood. So I deleted her number to keep myself from contacting her, what do I do? O and I forgot to mention that I recently moved from RI to AZ, and she lives in NM. Could it be the distance, I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I'm really good at expressing how I feel, but I love her and she knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 I meant i'm not really good at expressing how I feel Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I have a friend who was crazy for his "friend" for almost 10 years. Though in reality I think they were only friends because he kept getting shot down by her when he would ask her out at least once a year or every couple of years. It became some sort of weird codependent relationship, he would be extremely hurt that she wouldn't date him they wouldn't talk for a while. She would date someone else and they would break up. She would come running to him for safety and comfort for a few months, he would ask her out again, rinse repeat for 10 years. Until my friend pulled his head out of his ass and moved on. You have put your friend on a pedestal that she is some amazing goddess, other girls can't compete with this fantasy girl you have made in your head and it's probably why things don't feel "right" when you are dating other girls because you are obsessing over this perfect version of your friend. When someone tells you they don't see you that way, they don't see you that way asking them out over and over will not change that result. Unless they have low self esteem or a moment of weakness and your repeated advances break them and they finally go "fine **** i'll go out with you lets get this **** over with". Would you really want to be the person who did that? I don't think so. For you own sanity and your friends sanity, you really need to let go of this idealised version you have of her and move on. Just because you have feelings for her doesn't mean she can or will reciprocate them, it doesn't work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 You're right! I think it's a little more than that though. We've always liked each other, it's been a mutual feeling since high school. I am 26 and she is 25. She has not been with a man since she was 16, she has not kissed a man since she was 20, until me this past september. I get really nervous to express myself to her, and the same goes for her. She came to visit me last week as well, so it definitely made me feel that we were progressing. This woman and I have talked about being together for years, but the problem was the distance after I left, now that I am closer she turn inconsistent for me. She is inconsistent about everything, we pretty much have some of the same friends, and one friend that I keep in touch with on the regular is her bestess bestess friend, and she says the exact same thing about her (she's inconsistent about everything). I don't have her on a pedestal, trust me when I tell you that. It's not hard for me not to have contact with her, and she has given me all the reason in the world to give up, I just don't want to let go quite yet. I mean if a woman came along and if i felt she was worth the effort then i would definitely be with it, i'm not going to wait, and most of all im not gonna settle ya know? I've never asked this woman if she saw herself spending her life with me, she told me on her own, she's told me that she expected me to have children with her in the next 2 years, and that she expects us to marry sometime soon. I was with it, and she also made it clear that I could feel safe and believe what she was saying, so I trusted what she said. But right now, I do feel led on, and i'm not mad at her or anything, I'm disappointed and I made it known to her that I was, and I think that really hurt her. But I didn't really care that it hurt her. So I don't know, as I said I don't have a problem letting go, because I can, I just really wanted some thought from other people, because my friends will only look in for my favor and I don't want that. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Except you haven't let go... you keep rubber banding back, hoping the next time will be different. This situation is exactly like what my other friend was going through. It had being going on so long he was in denial about everything. He was in denial that he was hurt by her actions, but in reality he was torn up. He was in denial that he was easily able to move on but he couldn't. He was in denial he had her on a mighty high pedestal but he did. He came to realise this a few years ago and he's the same age as you and he had feelings for her since high school. He just wishes he had actually let go and stayed away. He wasted so much time chasing a girl that had no interest in him and kept trying to force it too work. Link to post Share on other sites
Michal2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I think you wait for this relation. After short while get any right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 You think I should? I tried talking to someone else, but when it came down to it, I didn't and couldn't do it. The woman was nice and everything, just wasn't interested I guess. I haven't been talking to my friend at all, I decided not to hit her up for Christmas either, but surprisingly as I was thinking of her she contacted me, we just said Merry Christmas to each other and that was it. I decided to give her space so I could get over how I felt for her. I'm still open to being with her, and I'm also open to us just being strictly friends and nothing more. But I definitely believe absence makes the heart grow fonder and she is probably thinking good things about me, not that I've ever given her bad things to think about. The crazy part I worried about was it being difficult for me not to contact her, it's not hard at all. So we shall see how it plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 It's going to end up with you been played like a fiddle unless you take this girl off that giant pedestal you have her on. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Don't date friends... I did and it turned for worse, he had major crush on me for months, till four months into relationship his feelings disappeared. It's not worth the pain. You put this amazing woman in your head, doesn't mean she will be like that once you get together. I learned it the hard way, if the relationship won't work you'll loose a best friend. I did, I'll never see/hear mine again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 For the second time, I don't have her on a pedestal, I'm letting go and I'm cool with that. Her friendship is most important to me than a relationship, if it's not mutual it's not mutual, I can take rejection. And I don't believe that every relationship is the same. Your relationship with your bestie didn't work out, but it doesn't mean that it won't work for another couple, it's just like any other relationship. It's nothing wrong with knowing what or who you want, even if the feeling isn't mutual, the only thing you have to do is accept it and move on, and I've accepted it. Don't get me wrong I am still open to being with her, but if it doesn't happen, it isn't the end of the world, I'm cool with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 (edited) Except you contradict yourself, you say you don't care if you're just friends but secretly you don't want to be friends, you want to be her lover. You have convinced yourself you are all cool with it but deep down you know you aren't. You just hope if enough time passes she will see what a great guy you are and change her mind. I'm not trying to diss you or anything but surely you can see your own contradiction? It's fine to know who you want, I think it can be counter productive lamenting and chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, especially for long periods of time. Because you have tunnel vision for them and only them and it stops you from connecting with other people, who can and will return how you feel. Some people say unrequited love is romantic others say it is foolish, I believe in the later. Edited December 29, 2012 by Carenth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Share Posted December 30, 2012 of course I want to be more than friends, but.......I don't have a problem being just friends. How you feel for someone doesn't go away in a day a week or a month, so I really don't see how that contradicts myself. And I don't care if we are not together or will ever be together, it's not the end of the world. Yes there are millions of women out there and I have no problem seeking one, I'm just not easily won over. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 You actually have to let go to be able to move on and yes it is a direct contradiction to say "I'm happy with A but I want B" when they are exact opposite positions. What you are applying to this situation is called cognitive dissonance, go look it up. You have decided you are ok with a "friendship" because you can not get a "relationship" and that you never really cared about having a "realtionship" anyway (but you do really) as a way with the dealing with the fact that you can't get what you want and a way of explaining your conflicting positions. Have you also explored the possibility that you are not so open to others because you are worried she may come around when you are with someone else? I'm only asking you these questions so you can ask them to yourself, I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't care. Personally I would be removing her from my life completely with no hidden agendas of some day we might be together, you won't be able to move on until you let go of that. You will just have to accept the fact she doesn't have those feelings for you and probably will never have those feelings and that a friendship built on one party having unrequited feelings on one side, secretly hoping the other will come around is not real friendship. I know this is hard to hear but I'm been brutally honest, these kind of "friendships" are very rarely healthy for either party and I don't think yours is the exception. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 of course I want to be more than friends, but.......I don't have a problem being just friends. How you feel for someone doesn't go away in a day a week or a month, so I really don't see how that contradicts myself. And I don't care if we are not together or will ever be together, it's not the end of the world. Yes there are millions of women out there and I have no problem seeking one, I'm just not easily won over. It can go away in a couple of months... Like I said, I had a best friend for a year. He admitted his feelings for me and I rejected them, he surfaced it so we could remain friends without issue (though we had arguments about it at first). Then when my relationship came to a hold and I got jealous of him with another woman (who hated my guts) I admitted finally to myself how I really was feeling so when he admitted second time I accepted. We were together for six months, but apparently his feelings disappeared after four months for me and let me on all that time. Two weeks ago he finally grew cold on me and broke it off, leading me on for those months making me fall more and more in love. He said things like "I realised I was happier when you weren't around" "I'm 99.99% sure you're not the person I want to spend my life with" "we're too different and got different world views" <-- we never argued about differences or had real fights He drank to get him drunk because It was hurting him a lot (guilt) then after a week I got a text saying "be brave and strong and you'll get through this ordeal" Two weeks here, I am still crushed, althought stronger I lost my best friend whom I'm never ever going to see anymore. It's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Share Posted December 30, 2012 your right, I do think about the what if's, but I'm not holding on to the thought that she may come around. The way I see it, is if it happens it happens. I'm not drooling over her like damn I just have to be with her. The friendship is more important honestly to me. And I don't want to lose my best friend, I really don't. I know that sometimes it's best just to let go. And in terms of moving on, she is not the reason at all I'm not pursuing other women, it just as simple as this I'm not an easy guy to win over. Yeah I could go have sex with tons of women, but at the end of the day it doesn't make me feel good, well it does, but not the kinda feel good that I want to feel ya know? But as I said, I just don't want to lose my best friend, aside from my other best friend, she is probably the one I am closest with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Share Posted December 30, 2012 O' and I've never had an argument with her. I've been angry with her before, but not to the point where I felt that I wanted to argue, but I let her know if something angered me. But I understand, sometimes people think that they want one thing and they really don't, I've always been very inconsistent about women i have dated, this is the only woman I have ever felt consistent about. But I will continue to not talk to her for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 Promise me one thing if she ever admits her feelings for you... If you loose yours after a while, do not let her on, be honest to yourselves and her and when you do break up be not cold towards and say stuff my ex said. We even had our tiny game "I love you" "I love you more" "I lost you most" "Not possible" "is possible" "ok, equal + inch" month before he broke it off, even still bought airplane ticket to see me (yes, ldr) I don't understand why he never told me how he felt and why he like broke up with me moment he grew tired off me. Did I do something wrong in why he got sick off me and was happier without me? :'( I'm crying even typing this. I miss him sooo much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Hey I'm really sorry it took me so long to get back on here. I don't believe that you did anything wrong, sometimes distance will do that to you. I'm sure he still cares, men are prideful, just as well as women, but you gotta absent yourself from his life, he will come around. And I would never break her heart if we were together, I still feel in my heart that she is the one, I've felt it for 7 years the feeling has never gone away. But as she doesn't feel the same way, I have to accept that and I'm cool. Make sure you get back on here and check this thing, I will continue to talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) I'm here, I'm here. Sorry, I was in bed entire day yesterday, since bit sickish atm. Today is third week since he broke up with me, I dream every night off him. This night it was I was eating dinner and phone rang and he entered with luggage and we hugged, I felt it I felt my heart beat so fast, I woke up crying. :'( I want to move on, but those dreams ain't making it easy for me. I would do anything to have him back...he never gave me reason but he stopped loving me... And week before he was going "stop distracting me from my studies :p" :'( Oh, I have been no contact ever since the break up, except one text I send asking to tell "this person" that we broke up, got into fight three days later saying I should talk to someone about it that it helps and that he is sorry for breaking it off two weeks before visiting me but that it would've been more painful if he did afterwards... :'( And that he thinks feelings gradually changed two months ago. I still think maybe he confussed infatuation with comfortable (I never had the spark for him, always been comfortable), but I should stop thinking this way... I just miss his voice, his smile so much... And it's ok you're late, it's back to normal life since holidays so ye. I hope someday you'll get lucky with her... Edited January 4, 2013 by Njeanne Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 I believe it's part of the process when you are getting over someone, I dreamed of my friend maybe the past 5 or 6 nights. I still love her, but I'm not going to let it drag me down. To stop feeling the way you feel for someone is to get out get busy, and not feel sorry or hurt for someone who doesn't want to be with you. Do you think he is sitting back feeling the same way? Trust me when I tell you he's not! Do you get out, do you have a social life? If not you get do that because it will definitely will help you feel a little better and to where you will eventually get over him. One thing that helps me is working out, it makes me feel good about myself and it also makes me feel that I can have any woman I want haha. I hope you are feeling better today! Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Do you think he is sitting back feeling the same way? Trust me when I tell you he's not! I know, and that makes me cry so much now hearing it from someone else. I thought he cared about me, He fought five months to win my heart, then when he finally has it his goes away. I wish I could turn back time and never confessed my heart to him. It's my fault, I feel it in my heart. It's my fault he stopped loving me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 I personally believe that there is no reason for someone to stop loving you. But I do believe that there is reason for someone to leave you. I don't know what his reasoning was, but in most cases the reason someone randomly leaves someone is because there is possibly someone else in the picture. I think you should just focus on improving yourself as a person, with experiences comes lessons and with lessons comes learning and from learning you will grow stronger than before. You have to learn to love and to protect your heart at the same time. I'm not saying don't give your all, but people change every single day, some for the good, some for the worse, but at the end of the day you have to protect yourself, because no one else can protect you emotionally or mentally for that matter. You got to get up get out and go do something. Are you in college and if you don't mind me asking how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) I personally believe that there is no reason for someone to stop loving you. But I do believe that there is reason for someone to leave you. I don't know what his reasoning was, but in most cases the reason someone randomly leaves someone is because there is possibly someone else in the picture. I think you should just focus on improving yourself as a person, with experiences comes lessons and with lessons comes learning and from learning you will grow stronger than before. You have to learn to love and to protect your heart at the same time. I'm not saying don't give your all, but people change every single day, some for the good, some for the worse, but at the end of the day you have to protect yourself, because no one else can protect you emotionally or mentally for that matter. You got to get up get out and go do something. Are you in college and if you don't mind me asking how old are you? He isn't the type to go from women to women, he was single for a year before he met me. He also said "but no, I haven't met anyone else nor have I cheated on you" "feel free to change my feelings" "Ok, if I regret it, I promise I tell you" He still bought airplane ticket to see me, was every evening with me too. He stopped loving me gradually over the two months, part of me thinks it's my fault. I had new hobby and was four evenings less in the week with him, i prob neglected him and he got bored. And I'm 26 at the moment. I do go out sometimes, and got my mind on other things. It's just painful... And I know if he met someone he would've told me because everytime there was a women flirting with him he would tell me and say how annoying it is. Edited January 7, 2013 by Njeanne Link to post Share on other sites
Author HighFlight12 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Ok I think you should stay active or even talk to other people. That what I've been doing, I don't have sex with them or anything, but it makes me confident that I can have any woman I want, at least I like to think that! You are 26 you are barely peaking your prime, get out and explore. I'm 26 too, that's what I had to learn to do! Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I said I go out already, but it's hard. Fair few friends I got at this age got family and rarely party so going out is lonesome and boring either way. 3weeks is still fresh since break up so I still feel like avoiding people atm... I already ruined new years eve with my absent mood, because he was meant to be there with me... Link to post Share on other sites
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