RonaldS Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 So, we have me, a soon-to-be ex-wife, her friend, and her friend's longtime boyfriend. The friend, in a word, is amazing. We have been friends for many years, and I have always had weird little indefinable feelings for her, at least to the extent that you can when in a serious relationship leading into marriage. So, the STBXW and I have been separated for years. Out of the blue, I decided to email this friend, mainly because I like and respect her a lot and really felt like i let her down. We decide to meet up and talk (STBXW knows we're meeting up), and we get togethet and talk for hours. She is just so incredible that I can't even believe I'm in the room with her. We always had a strong connection, and when we got together, it was evident that the connection was still there and very real. Not going to bore you with a blow-by-blow account, or the tedious minutae, but we stayed in light contact over the last couple of months...typically once a week we would have a short text or email conversation....however, we always seemed to be speaking in code when we would talk. Well, earlier this week, she texts me telling me that she broke up with her boyfriend. We had a huge conversation about it, with her asking me questions about dating, and expressing concerns about what other people would think of her if she did. Anyway, not sure what to do here. This girl is the girl of my dreams, and she has definitely said some things suggestive of her desire to do....well, not sure what, but shes on some sort of destiny kick. I just wonder if it could ever get off the ground. Is it dumb to get excited? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 It is dumb to get excited, because if it doesnt get off the ground, you will will already be high, and fall HARD. So play it cool, dont get your hopes up, expect that it wont work. That way, hit or miss, you dont get heartbroken. It sounds like, if you arent exaggerating her codes, that she is game. But tread lightly, and expect the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 It is dumb to get excited, because if it doesnt get off the ground, you will will already be high, and fall HARD. So play it cool, dont get your hopes up, expect that it wont work. That way, hit or miss, you dont get heartbroken. It sounds like, if you arent exaggerating her codes, that she is game. But tread lightly, and expect the worst. Yeah, its a hard situation to describe. I feel there have been some strong undercurrents with this girl since we've known each other. Everything that she says and does points to one thing, but neither of us is saying anything. That's where the code talking comes in, and we have a strong enough connection to be able to communicate that way. I actually feel like early on, when we first reconnected, she did something fairly overt which kinda showed her cards, and after that, we both just settled down. But getting rid of the BF was a pretty significant move. I've just been in 'chill mode'. Just doing a wait-and-see, and am able to just hang out and see what happens. While its exciting and has worlds of potential, I'm also not a 20 year okd guy, so I won't let myself get too up, nor will I jump the gun and do something stupid. My big concern is the friendship with the STBXW. Big morality element at play, but again, we've been separated and effectively divorced for two and a half years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Re: the morality of a friend going after a friend's ex-spouse....I've heard varying opinions. Some people have said 'No way, under any conditions. Inexcusable.', and others have said, 'People should be able to be happy'. My view on the topic is this: let's say two people are just meant for each other. It's all so right, they have a solid foundation and connection and everything just works. But the feelings of the friend/ex-spouse are on the other side of the coin. At some point, after a certain amount of time, don't the feelings and wishes of the ex-spouse begin to control the other's and possibly prevent that other person from having the best life they could have? Doesn't it become selfish at some point? Especially if it was the friend/ex spouse who left the marriage....to me it just seems like, if years pass, and your personal feelings are controlling outcomes for two different people, that sort of becomes very selfish. I would NEVER want to hold back from somebody else finding happiness, even if that meant my ex having a relationship with a friend. I would get over it, especially if the end result was two people being very happy together. For the record, the friend we're talking about here is not one of my wife's best friends. More like a Tier 2 level friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 It looks like youre set on going with it regardless what the stbxw says. But she is an ex, hat she says doesnt mater anymore, and really, you dont need her friendship. For example if you dated someone else, and told her that you still had a friendship with an ex wife, it could cause problems in the new relationship. How does the new girl know that you have no romantic feelings for the ex anymore? She doesnt, she can only go on what you say. And there are tons of people on this board that are suspicious of their SO's because the words dont match the actions, and even if they do, sometimes things dont sound right. So if your STBXW will have a problem with it, I say thats a friendship you dont need. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I really thought this thread was shaping into a wife/friend/you/and another guy foursome...... ...nope. It's just another friendzone story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I really thought this thread was shaping into a wife/friend/you/and another guy foursome...... ...nope. It's just another friendzone story. Can you really be friendzoned when you've already been friendzoned for almost a decade? Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 This reply is a little late, but anyway... I think you're both setting yourselves up for a lot of pain. You may have been separated for years, but its not official yet... yet soon will be? I suspect there are some psychological impacts of the impending divorce that prompted you to e-mail her in the first place. And she just broke up with her boyfriend. Rebound city, with a lot of grand fantasies about destiny to top it off. There's a chance it could work out, BUT (please note that's a big BUT) it's less likely to if you jump into this so soon and blinded by infatuation/lust. That attraction/chemistry/pull you feel toward one another will fade and a real relationship must take its place if it's to last. The latter requires consistent effort and dedication (i.e. committment). How can either of you say you have the tools to build a real realtionship when you are both in the process of ending other relationships? Can you honestly say that you both have taken the time to evaluate your past relationships, taken responsibility for your contribution to the failure, and learned from your mistakes? Can you say you truly know what qualities you need in your next partner? (Have to do better than "must not be like my ex".) Can you say that you know this other person well and want them in your life, flaws and all, and you aren't just chasing a fantasy or trying to fill an emotional void? I think you'd both be better off keeping your distance for a year or so and separately dealing with the end of your previous relationships, but from the sound of things, I doubt that will happen here. So I'll just warn you that you both seem to have some pie-in-the-sky expectations about the potential for this new relationship and some very real obstacles to acheiving it. And that's before you consider pissed-off exes or mutual friends/acquaintances who may have an interest in seeing this new relationship fail, since the timing gets a little too close to Other Woman/Other Man territory. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Okay... I didn't realize that RonaldS and Barnacle-Bob were the same person, but okay, it's noted for future reference. It does sound like there's a good chance of developing something with this girl, but a few things still don't sound quite right: 1) You are waiting for your wife to file for divorce. Withought reading all your other threads, I understand there may be many practical reasons for this, but if reconciliation is not possible and nothing else stands in the way, I don't see why you can't file now. 2) From the additional info you posted, it sounds like this woman may be far more ready to start a relationship with you than you are ready to get into. Do take it slow, but keep in mind that if relationships don't progress, sooner or later one of the parties bails out. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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