Stigma associated with divorced men?

[Kelemvor]

I'm just curious to see how the ladies perceive a divorced man? Baggage? Not worth dating? Case by case basis?

 

I'm newly divorced, and honestly.. it would be awhile until I was ready to date again, but when I do... I honestly don't know what to expect. I'm somewhat ashamed at being "divorced", irrespective of who was at fault. Also, even though the marriage was obviously on horribly shaky ground when we were sleeping in separate rooms 2 weeks after the wedding vows, it lasted almost 2 years. She lost her job and I didn't feel that I could divorce someone in good conscience who could not take care of themself. In the mean time... I had an affair. Should I even admit to this to the next woman that I have a relationship with? It's the first time I've ever cheated in a monogamous relationship and even though I can attempt to explain the situation, I don't think it justifies my actions which were clearly in the wrong. That being said, I don't know whether I should just accept the fact that it will be an uphill battle in finding a good woman who would give me the benefit of a doubt, or if I should just accept that dating will be a big challenge and I will need to keep certain things hidden? The only thing I have going for me is that I'm fairly attractive, in good shape and a high wage earner but I don't want to land another girl looking for economic gain or a sugar daddy. Then again, if she asks me what went wrong with my past marriage, I don't want to lie either. Am I screwed? Part of me feels as if I have jeopardize any chance at finding a "good girl".

 

Do girls generally avoid divorced men, especially ones who have cheated, or is there hope that someone would give me a chance? I'm honestly willing to accept it either way. I've never had a problem with women or relationships, but finding a quality girl is difficult and I'm afraid that if I found one... she wouldn't be able to look past my divorced status, nor would she forgive me my past faults. I'm close to 40. I have no clue how to approach future dating relationships in the coming year or two and I'm way past the casual fling stage and would be looking for something with more potential. My buddies are all excited for me to live some sort of George Clooney dating life, but honestly... that's just not me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited December 23, 2012 by Kelemvor

[Scarlett5]

I'm 27 and single and, in my opinion, a divorced guy is actually at an advantage in many ways. To me, he's made mistakes and has hopefully learned a lot about himself and what he wants in the process. We (should) learn from our mistakes and as a result, we generally then make wiser choices for ourselves.

 

When it comes to your affair, honesty is a big deal for me so I would say definitely tell any future partners...but only when you know it has potential and you both want it to go somewhere. Wait until you feel you know each other well enough, but definitely before you become intimate.

 

My reason? Because to me, that would show you're an honest person who wants his new relationship/s to be based on honesty and trust. If you don't tell her? That shows that you have something to hide and are able to withhold the truth >>> which ALWAYS comes out in the end. Not telling me would probably be a deal breaker, telling me would not necessarily.

[M30USA]

A divorced man is guilty until proven innocent, while a divorced woman is innocent until proven guilty. It's just natural that if you are a man people are going to think, "I wonder what he did to his wife--cheat on her or abuse her?" This stigma is one thing I had to make peace with. Eventually I stopped caring and it has been liberating.

[Treasa]

I'd give you a chance. You're very articulate, which is a big turn on, and you clearly aren't afraid of commitment.

[darkmoon]

tell them you were capable of an affair/screw? and they'll love and trust you forever?

Edited December 23, 2012 by darkmoon

[oldshirt]

I think a lot of how people will view you will based on how you present it.

 

If you meet someone and immediately say, "I cheated on my unemployed wife within the first couple years of our marriage and I am now divorced," it stands to reason that some folks are going to view that (and you) somewhat negatively.

 

but on the other hand if as you are getting to know someone and you are both peeling back the layers if these factoids come out as it becomes relevant I don't see that it will raise many eyebrows -

 

- Your wife and marraige did not live up to how they were initially presented ( ie, separate bedrooms, maritial issues etc within first couple weeks of marriage)

 

- realized divorce was inevitable but remained in marriage for awhile untill wife could find a job and support herself.

 

-in the mean time developed feelings for someone else and realized the marriage was over.

 

- The relationship with the other person ultimately did not work out but you knew that the marriage was dead at that point.

 

- Recognize that you missed some red flags along the way and should have responded sooner and recognize that there were mistakes made by both of you and that you are picking up the pieces and moving forward with your life and that you are learning from your mistakes in hopes that you can find love and a good healthy happy relationship in the future.

 

Other than some extreme church ladies that have no tolerance for any kind of divorce or any kind of tolerance for any kind of contact before the divorce is finalized, I don't see a normal person that lives in the real world having an actual problem with any of that.

[oldshirt]

And I'll also add that if you are almost 40, that your dating pool is likely going to be adult women unless you are planning on trying to marry a 20 year old or something.

 

Adult women have baggage and skeletons in the closet of their own......and they are probably way more hung up and worried about their own baggage than what they are going to be about your's.

 

If you are reasonably fit, attractive, gainfully employed and not some kind of total loser, psychopath/sociopath, drunkard/druggie and not a total playa' or a total momma's boy/nerd/geek, you are going to do just fine and you'll kick yourself in the ass for waiting two years to shuck the unemployed ice queen living in the spare bedroom.

 

40 year olds have baggage and have skeletons. It's how well you manage and handle your baggage and deal with the skelatons that matter and what show how your character is and what determines your worthyness as a potential mate.

 

Own your past and use it as life experience to help better your future.

[Try]

My divorced brother was told by a woman that he was on a date with that she was not sure how she felt about dating someone that was divorced and that did not have a good understanding of what it takes to maintain a marraige long term. After she proudly told him that she had never been divorced (thus or married), he said that he was not sure how he felt about dating someone in their mid-30s that was unable to ever fully commit to someone else. He then asked her what is wrong with her that no one that she would want to marry ever wanted to marry her. She had no answer for that LOL!! The bottom line is that at a certain age, unless your spouse died, everyone that is still dating has baggage.

[oldshirt]

My divorced brother was told by a woman that he was on a date with that she was not sure how she felt about dating someone that was divorced and that did not have a good understanding of what it takes to maintain a marraige long term. After she proudly told him that she had never been divorced (thus or married), he said that he was not sure how he felt about dating someone in their mid-30s that was unable to ever fully commit to someone else. He then asked her what is wrong with her that no one that she would want to marry ever wanted to marry her. She had no answer for that LOL!! The bottom line is that at a certain age, unless your spouse died, everyone that is still dating has baggage.

 

and not not only supports my assertion that adults brings baggage with them but brings up another good point as well, and that is that someone over the age of 35ish that has never been married raises eyebrows too. Perhaps even more so than someone who is divorced. You're kind of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

 

My point is to this is, a 40 man on the dating market who is divorced is probably more "normal" and raises less suspicion than a 40 man who has never married in the first place.

 

50 years ago divorce was definately stigmatized for both men and women. Today it's almost common-place. Unless it involved something way out there, I don't think most people would give it a second thought to date a divorced person. By that age people understand baggage and are carrying a load of it themselves.

[Try]

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4

English poet (1809 - 1892)

Edited December 23, 2012 by Try

[eleanorrigby]

If I were on the market, a divorced man probably wouldn't phase me, but a divorced man with kids would be a complete turn off, red flag, warning sign for me to keep looking. I just wouldn't be bothered with a man with kids (especially if they were young).

[M30USA]

If I were on the market, a divorced man probably wouldn't phase me, but a divorced man with kids would be a complete turn off, red flag, warning sign for me to keep looking. I just wouldn't be bothered with a man with kids (especially if they were young).

 

This is precisely what the OP is talking about. You think a divorced man is a " red flag"? Whether you realize it or not, your comment implies you believe divorces are the mans fault. And you probably (just guessing) are turned off by these men because they don't TAKE the blame for everything. Are you looking for man who is your scapegoat?

[Kelemvor]

Hmm, interesting replies. Thanks for the feedback. Definitely some food for thought.

[Treasa]

And I'll also add that if you are almost 40, that your dating pool is likely going to be adult women unless you are planning on trying to marry a 20 year old or something.

 

Adult women have baggage and skeletons in the closet of their own......and they are probably way more hung up and worried about their own baggage than what they are going to be about your's.

 

If you are reasonably fit, attractive, gainfully employed and not some kind of total loser, psychopath/sociopath, drunkard/druggie and not a total playa' or a total momma's boy/nerd/geek, you are going to do just fine and you'll kick yourself in the ass for waiting two years to shuck the unemployed ice queen living in the spare bedroom.

 

40 year olds have baggage and have skeletons. It's how well you manage and handle your baggage and deal with the skelatons that matter and what show how your character is and what determines your worthyness as a potential mate.

 

Own your past and use it as life experience to help better your future.

 

I just turned 38, and ironically, I had more baggage in my 20s than I do now. I hit a point a few months ago where I decided that I wasn't going to take life so seriously anymore, and I'm more fun and outgoing and happier than ever.

[amaysngrace]

I'd bail if I knew a guy was divorced and cheated on his wife. I'd also have a hard time believing his side of the story just because he cheated.

 

But that's just me.

[eleanorrigby]

This is precisely what the OP is talking about. You think a divorced man is a " red flag"? Whether you realize it or not, your comment implies you believe divorces are the mans fault. And you probably (just guessing) are turned off by these men because they don't TAKE the blame for everything. Are you looking for man who is your scapegoat?

 

I didn't mean it in a bad way. It's a red flag for me of a situation that I know won't end well.

 

I just have no interest in anyone elses kids and I don't want to be a step mom.

If his kids were the same age as mine (19-21) then I could deal. But little ones? Nah... raising mine was hard enough. I'm done.

 

I think it's a good thing that I have those boundaries in line and defined for myself so that I don't hurt or confuse other people if I'm ever back on the dating scene.

[BrokenPrincess]

In my 20s, I avoided dating divorced men. A friend said to me, We'll at least you know he's not afraid to get married! But my thought was--yes and he's also not afraid to get divorced.

 

If I was still single now though (30s) I wouldn't be deterred by a divorce. We've all had a little more life under our belt. In fact, I think a man that makes it to 40 never married is more of a red flag. Even if he doesn't have interpersonal issues, I think the longer people are used to living alone & single, the harder it is to merge your life with someone else, to compromise your established routines & preferences, etc.

[Clockwork]

I have to say, that is awfully quick to be having problems just two weeks after the marriage. I guess it stands to reason that you should have never tied the knot in the first place. You aren't the only one and you won't be the last one.

 

I have always found that honesty is the best policy. When you meet someone you have a clean slate with them. Unless they are a saint, they'll have their own issues as well that they may be afraid to tell you. When you open up and explain your faults it will force the other person to do likewise and there won't be any secrets anymore.