Brought foreign wife home...what can I do?

[Weye]

After being away from LS for nearly 6 years...

 

I've ben married to my wife for more than 6 years. She is Chinese. I have lived together with her in China for the last 6 years. We've had our ups and downs like all couples do. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6 years old.

 

About 4-5 months ago we moved to the U.S. She has not found any friends, nor any hobbies, groups, club, societies etc.. There's nothing for her to do day by day. She loves to work but the only work she does is running an ebay shop which has been slow to develop. I can tell that she is not happy. I want her to find happiness here, but I don't know what I can do.

 

Please, what can I do to help her?

[movingon12]

There must be some kind of Chinese community if your city is big enough, so you could encourage her to make friends there as a start.

 

How's her English? Where I live we get a lot of foreign women going to English language classes mainly as an excuse to meet other foreign women and make friends.

 

Could she get involved with your kid's school? PTA or something similar? Volunteering for a charity group that interests her?

 

The worst - but easiest - thing she can do is sit at home feeling isolated. You may need to start being quite forceful about getting her out of the house and meeting people for her own sake,

[TaraMaiden]

"We've had our ups and downs...."

 

Is there a mitigation there?

 

Has she said she's unhappy?

What are you hinting at here, if anything...?

[Weye]

"We've had our ups and downs...."

 

Is there a mitigation there?

 

Has she said she's unhappy?

What are you hinting at here, if anything...?

 

What 8 year marriage doesn't have ups and downs?

[Weye]

There must be some kind of Chinese community if your city is big enough, so you could encourage her to make friends there as a start.

 

How's her English? Where I live we get a lot of foreign women going to English language classes mainly as an excuse to meet other foreign women and make friends.

 

Could she get involved with your kid's school? PTA or something similar? Volunteering for a charity group that interests her?

 

The worst - but easiest - thing she can do is sit at home feeling isolated. You may need to start being quite forceful about getting her out of the house and meeting people for her own sake,

 

Thanks, this does sound like a good place to start. I'll look into English classes. Her English is very good, but not perfect.

 

You say I might need to be forceful...I wonder if this is a good thing. I certainly wouldn't be happy with her being forceful with me about anything. It would be very hypocritical of me to act forceful towards her.

 

Still, stepping up the pressure to get her to get out and live may be the best route. Any experience there?

[TaraMaiden]

What 8 year marriage doesn't have ups and downs?

 

I'm just wondering if there isn't a deeper hidden agenda....

 

Are you losing patience with the situation?

Are you thinking deep down whether this whole thing was a bad idea? Culture clash? non-meeting of minds?

Comproimise too great a demand?

[Weye]

I'm just wondering if there isn't a deeper hidden agenda....

 

Are you losing patience with the situation?

Are you thinking deep down whether this whole thing was a bad idea? Culture clash? non-meeting of minds?

Comproimise too great a demand?

 

No deeper hidden agendas, or any of that stuff. That's way off topic. All I said was, we've had ups and downs over the years like all couples do. Don't think too much into it.

 

The problem is, she's not adjusting very well to living in a new culture. I wanted to ask if anyone here either went through this, knows anyone who has, or generally has any advice on how I can help her adjust better.

[TaraMaiden]

Okay.

No suggestions.

Except that you can do everything possible for her, and bend over backwards.

Until she gets herself out and about and decides to go out and socialise - you can't transform her life for her.

 

She has to want to intergrate, participate and be a part of life there.

You can't create or force anything.

It has to come from her own volition....

 

In 1953, when my mother - a newly-married young Italian girl - came over to the UK, for the first time ever, she made herself go out, every day, and sit where people were, and she just listened.

Gradually, she picked words out, and began speaking, in very broken English, to complete strangers, who found her charming.

Within 6 months, she had made friends, and joined a couple of social clubs - knitting, cooking, that kind of thing....

She went to the Library, and took children's books out for herself to read.

She was virtually fluent in less than a year, and made friends, one or two of which she is still in contact with, today.

 

It has to come from your wife.

She has to really want this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Weye, having lived in China for a year, I know what a challenging acclimation it is for your W here. As you are aware, US customs, mores and daily life are very different. Are you on the West coast? Any Chinese population in the city where you live?

 

Mr. Lucky

[taiko]

Okay.

No suggestions.

Except that you can do everything possible for her, and bend over backwards.

Until she gets herself out and about and decides to go out and socialise - you can't transform her life for her.

 

She has to want to intergrate, participate and be a part of life there.

You can't create or force anything.

It has to come from her own volition....

 

In 1953, when my mother - a newly-married young Italian girl - came over to the UK, for the first time ever, she made herself go out, every day, and sit where people were, and she just listened.

Gradually, she picked words out, and began speaking, in very broken English, to complete strangers, who found her charming.

Within 6 months, she had made friends, and joined a couple of social clubs - knitting, cooking, that kind of thing....

She went to the Library, and took children's books out for herself to read.

She was virtually fluent in less than a year, and made friends, one or two of which she is still in contact with, today.

 

It has to come from your wife.

She has to really want this.

The difference between 1953 and 2012 is that she can get TV in her native language. Get on the internet and keep with the news of her hometown. ethnic "ghettos" still exist and all together tend to retard the assimalation that Italian wife once made.

 

If the wife does not want to get invovled with the husband's friends and family I don't know how the issue can be forced.

[TaraMaiden]

The difference between 1953 and 2012 is that she can get TV in her native language. Get on the internet and keep with the news of her hometown. ethnic "ghettos" still exist and all together tend to retard the assimalation that Italian wife once made.

 

If the wife does not want to get invovled with the husband's friends and family I don't know how the issue can be forced.

 

You're absolutely right, of course, which is why I stated that the desire, effort and commitment has to come from her.

 

And I echo your last comment.

Or you echoed mine.

Either way - we're in agreement.

 

[Arabella]

I once was in your wife's situation. I'm Spanish born and raised, and my husband at the time was American, so I moved to the US to be with him. For the first two years all I did was mope around and be miserable. I had no social life outside of him and I hated everything around me. I was basically just waiting for him to finish his college degree in the US so we could move back to Spain (which was our agreement from the beginning).

 

Then he broke his promise, and it became apparent that I was going to be in the US a lot longer than the agreed-upon 2 years. I came to the realization that I couldn't continue to just wait for him and do nothing with my life in the meantime.

 

So, I enrolled in school to pursue a second college degree for a change of career. As a result, my social life exploded, I developed goals for myself, my English improved a lot... etc.

 

Eventually, the marriage ended. In the 4 years we lived together, he had become stagnant and accomplished none of the things he wanted for himself, while I grew very quickly and became fully immersed in American culture. Nowadays, he still hasn't finished his college degree and I have a booming career in my chosen field.

 

Morale of the story... find her something to be passionate about. Help her find some kind of entrepreneurial training so she can learn how to grow her eBay store into a successful business. Or, since her English is already very good, have her check out the local community college courses, as she may find interesting classes to take.

 

Ultimately though, it's what others have said. She has to want to integrate herself and put her best foot forward, or it will never happen.

 

Keep us updated

 

-A

Edited December 27, 2012 by Arabella

[movingon12]

Thanks, this does sound like a good place to start. I'll look into English classes. Her English is very good, but not perfect.

 

You say I might need to be forceful...I wonder if this is a good thing. I certainly wouldn't be happy with her being forceful with me about anything. It would be very hypocritical of me to act forceful towards her.

 

Still, stepping up the pressure to get her to get out and live may be the best route. Any experience there?

 

 

Whilst I agree with what other's have said with her needing to want to do it, I live in Asia at the moment, and there are definitely someladies who - in your wife's situation - would sit at home, raise the children, and say that everything's fine, when you can clearly see that everything is not fine at all.

 

I don't know how outgoing/confident/sociable your wife is, but she may need an encouraging nudge in the right direction if she is one of those ladies. If she is shy and reluctant to make the first move - for her own sake, I agree a bit of pressure from you would probably be necessary. If she doesn't want to go out and join things on her own - perhaps you could join something that you can both attend together - at least at the start.

 

Sometimes you just need someone to give you a push.

[Joaquin]

I've lived in a different country and it aint so easy. My experience is that it can take a few years for things to come right, for people to mesh, find friends, make things happen, be content etc.

 

I'd just support her (which you sound like you are) but give her more time. 4-5months is far to short to expect what it is I think your expecting.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Joaquin

[Weye]

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. We looked at places where she can take classes yesterday and seems excited about joining one. We've also looked into some upcoming networking events. Hopefully these will help.