sex addiction?

[coco]

Hi, I know this is going to be long, but if anyone has the patience to read tis I would really apreciate some advice.

 

Three years ago I logged onto my computer to find that, my boyfriend(husband now), had been looking at

 

pornography. He promised never to do this again and told me he only did it when I was away because he missed

 

me. I felt unsure of myself, decieved, and hurt.

 

A year later I came home to find my fiance with his pants

 

around his ankles in front of my computer again, even though all of the evidence was staring me in the face he

 

denied it. This time I felt even more unsure of my sexuality, even more decieved and even more hurt. This time I talked to my mom and a trusted friend about it, they both told me the issue was the lying not the pornography,

 

but I looked at the websites and they were really raunchy(not kids, but women in compromising and degrading

 

positions). He apologized and promised he didn't need pornagraphy in his life. At this point I told him if he

 

needed to buy a playboy I would understand, but I also told him the level of pornography he had been viewing was not acceptable to me.

 

Well it has been a year and a half, we've gotten married and have what I thought was a mutually satifying sex life. The only thing that wasn'tok was that he had asked me to let him spray my face with cum I felt uncomfortable and I told him this, yethe continued to ask me--last night I found out why. Just for background we had made love twice on saturday, butnot on Saturday because he had a allergic reaction. I was asleep before him, but I woke up when he slipped outof bed. I listened to him tip toe around and I got a sick feeling. This time he was watching a video of mencoming all over women. Once again I feel decieved, unsure of my ability to satisfy a man, unsure of my sex apeal, and hurt. I got the same excuses. "All men do it" "I play the percentages--I didn't want to hurt you." He tells mehe has had this tape for a year. I am now marrried and I take my vows seriously divorce is not an option for me. Is this a sex addiction? What do I do? After he was done giving me all his excuses he went to sleep, I was still up two hours later and I wanted him to listen to my feelings so I woke him up. He flipped out. He was two inches from my face--calling me a loser and a ##### and a little girl. He told me I was not a woman over and over again I am so ashamed of myself for what I did next--I slapped him. I left and slept at my brothers.

 

I made a mistake, I didn't head the warning signs for this pornography thing or his anger management problem, and now I'm married and have done something I am ashamed of(the slap). I know it could be worse, at least I don't have any kids. Is he a sex addict? What haven't I caught him doing? What do I do? I'm too ashamed of myself and the position I'm in to talk to anyone about it PLEASE help me.

 

Sincerely,

 

coco

[Angie]

Women, women, GET over this porn stuff!!!

 

Accept the fact that men like to look at this kind of material and there is nothing wrong with it. Do you expect that only you are the one he looks at? Get over it. It is really harmless.

 

When you mention these women in "degrading positions" can't you understand that this is eroticism? Most men secretly like a sl## in bed with a pure character.

The only thing that wasn'tok was that he had asked me to let him spray my face with cum I felt uncomfortable and I told him this, yethe continued to ask me--last night I found out why.

 

You're gonna have to get over this one because this is normal healthy, sexual activity. Maybe you could learn something by watching some videos....and I don't mean to sound condescending.

 

This is not a sex addict. just a healthy man full of extra libido.

[Tony T]

If a husband's behavior is presenting problems in the relationship, it needs to be dealt with. There is also a trust issue since he gave you his word he would give this up.

 

It is my opinion that, yes, it is an addiction and a serious one.

 

Go back to the LoveShack homepage. Look above and left click on "Links". Then left click on "addiction and recovery". Then left click on "sexual addiction" There you will clearly see that your husband has an addiction. There are sites that give all the symptoms of sexual addiction.

 

In that link, there will be phone numbers and Email addresses of organizations you can communicate with for help in dealing with this problem. Don't clobber your husband with a board, he has a disease of the mind and needs compassion in dealing with this. Chances are at this point he has little or no control over it.

 

These links will be very helpful. If you feel you need more information, just go to any good search engine, such as www.yahoo.com, type in sexual addiction in the search field, and press go. You will find many Internet sites with information on the subject.

 

The Internet contains all the pornography an addict could view in a million lifetimes with more going online every single day. This will not be an easy battle for either of you.

 

I also think you should find activities and other interests the two of you can become involved with away from the computer.

 

I think it's also very unfair for him to be seeing odd stuff on the Internet and then asking you to help replicate it in the bedroom. If I were a woman, I wouldn't want seminal fluid all over my face. YUK!!!

[Anonymous female]

If I were a woman, I wouldn't want seminal fluid all

 

over my face. YUK!!!

 

If you are really sexually compatible with someone seman on your face can be heaven on earth. It sounds like you haven't had very good sex.

[Tony T]

If my wife dumped semen in my face, I would rush her to a research laboratory. If our sexes were reversed, I would reserve the right to enjoy whatever I wished...just like the lady who posted. Now if you are Dr. Ruth, I respectfully differ. If you are not, I just think you may be speaking for yourself. Everybody is different and I know you respect that.

[Rachel]

This issue has nothing to do with you being in the wrong.

 

I have recently posted a similar predicament to yours so I understand what you are feeling.

 

The lying issue was what UPSET me the MOST!

 

Eventually I did a confrontation whereby I said I would rather have the truth than him trying to protect my feelings. I said lying was the worse than knowing about porn. I said lying was unnaceptable and if I found out he was (he was as I looked) I would end the marriage.

 

Note:- I am also concerned about my husband lying straight to my face - but I'm good at body language so I knew. Chronic lying is one of the criteria in diagnosing antisocial personality - it is also referred to as psychopathic.

 

Him saying he was doing it because he missed you is CRAP! My partners response was... wait for it... I think about you when Im masturbating. Now it has been discovered that most men can do one thing at a time - women can do 10. So how could he:-

 

Click the computer

 

Look at the pictures

 

Think about me whilst looking at someone else

 

Wank himself

 

Eventually I said that lying was much more hurtful than me knowing you masturbate to porn. That lying was unforgiveable. ThatI was outta here if he was lying - so he finally confessed to looking at porn.

 

Interestingly it is best to talk to men about these intimate issues late at night as they are mentally more vulnerable/weak at that time AND it is well documented that

 

men are not very good at lying.

 

This is a laugh - he said he thought the pics weren't porn really and he seemed to have a different theory as to what is porn (probably really explicit videos?) Mind you he is an incredibly intelligent man so I was hurt by this lying again. Maybe I am wrong? Anyway, I got out a thesaurus and dictionary and looked it up - he couldnt use that excuse anymore.

 

I have an idea - why doesnt he see if he can get the semen on his face, that's what he wanks - kinky - wish I could watch - I would laugh my head off. I wonder what he would do, I wonder if it is possible - then see how he feels.

 

I'm concerned when you write the porn was really raunchy(not kids, but women in compromising and degrading). That is disturbing. My husband frequents the same site - voyuer-free. This is very slightly comforting.

 

Ages ago he looked at more explicit stuff. Nothing really sick that Ive seen anyway.

 

He said explicit doesn't arouse him - the semi dressed ones do. What do people think of this?

 

You wrote "that he had asked me to let him spray my face with cum I felt uncomfortable and I told him this", the rules (can't think of another word) of relationships are written in many books by experts. One is that noone should do things that are uncomfortable sexually. This is not 'well' behaviour.

 

AND YOUR COMMENT

 

"He was two inches from my face--calling me a loser and a ##### and a little girl. He told me I was not a woman over and over again I am so ashamed of myself for what I did next--I slapped him. I left and slept at my brothers".

 

The above constitutes verbal and physical abuse.. mind you -you did slap him (I am laughing - I think that is great - you should have hit him harder (oops I shouldnt have said that Tut! Tut!) Again he is exhibiting sick behaviour.

 

I also ignored the warning signs of porn on his computer - on a regular basis.

 

My reason for staying with him are that he is a gentle soul and has many good qualities. I debated all this against - LYING and the PORN. I am still unsure HONESTLY DEEP DOWN.

 

Please don't feel bad about the slap. I work in psych place and it is known that people can have "knee jerk reactions" this is a totally acceptable escuse for what you did. People have got lighter sentences/punishment (whatever) because of this very thing. In fact I doubt you would have been able to NOT slap him/or other reaction after the previous incident.

 

Men have every excuse in the book for looking at porn and I find most of it hard to believe. Lying is bad karma.

 

The thought of porn makes me sick and I think about this often.

 

I wonder if I should visit nude men sites? I bet my husband would be devesated... his wife masturbating to male images, think about it, on second thoughts some may like it.

 

I just asked my husband then to read your posting and he was very uncomfortable and did not read past the first few lines. He walked out of the room - why do this I wonder?? GUILT IS THE ANSWER I BET.

 

This is fact "what goes around comes around". You have done everything right - yes even the slap.

 

Yes he is a sex addict. He needs help.

 

If the anger occurs on a regular basis this is another area where he needs help.

 

I know there are sites that help with these issues.I can't find one right now.. grrrrr..

 

What is his relationship with his mother like? This is a crucial question.

 

You have no need to feel shame. Let it go please.

 

I wish you the best. I would seek counselling if possible. I am looking for one now.

 

Lots and lots of good wishes - you have my utmost empathy

 

Rachel

 

How come there are so many married couples like this? A lot of it has to do with the fact that sex is performed almost wholly for enjoyment prior to marriage and after becomes as much a conjugal duty as it does a moment to enjoy. For some, it even becomes a major enterprise as young couples work hard to get pregnant. Does this just happen naturally after living with the same person for so many years? Men, to a greater extent, and women as well are likely to be more excited with a sex partner they are not as familiar with. As the years go by, both may become a bit timid because of the possibility of unwanted impregnation which could mean major changes in lifestyle, greater financial obligations, constraints on time, etc. Is really good sex really only the best when it is illicit sex? Great sex takes place when the mind is in just the right mood, whether married, single or yet unborn. Go figure!

 

Hi, I know this is going to be long, but if anyone has the patience to read tis I would really apreciate some advice. Three years ago I logged onto my computer to find that, my boyfriend(husband now), had been looking at pornography. He promised never to do this again and told me he only did it when I was away because he missed me. I felt unsure of myself, decieved, and hurt. A year later I came home to find my fiance with his pants around his ankles in front of my computer again, even though all of the evidence was staring me in the face he denied it. This time I felt even more unsure of my sexuality, even more decieved and even more hurt. This time I talked to my mom and a trusted friend about it, they both told me the issue was the lying not the pornography, but I looked at the websites and they were really raunchy(not kids, but women in compromising and degrading positions). He apologized and promised he didn't need pornagraphy in his life. At this point I told him if he needed to buy a playboy I would understand, but I also told him the level of pornography he had been viewing was not acceptable to me. Well it has been a year and a half, we've gotten married and have what I thought was a mutually satifying sex life. The only thing that wasn'tok was that he had asked me to let him spray my face with cum I felt uncomfortable and I told him this, yethe continued to ask me--last night I found out why. Just for background we had made love twice on saturday, butnot on Saturday because he had a allergic reaction. I was asleep before him, but I woke up when he slipped outof bed. I listened to him tip toe around and I got a sick feeling. This time he was watching a video of mencoming all over women. Once again I feel decieved, unsure of my ability to satisfy a man, unsure of my sex apeal, and hurt. I got the same excuses. "All men do it" "I play the percentages--I didn't want to hurt you." He tells mehe has had this tape for a year. I am now marrried and I take my vows seriously divorce is not an option for me. Is this a sex addiction? What do I do? After he was done giving me all his excuses he went to sleep, I was still up two hours later and I wanted him to listen to my feelings so I woke him up. He flipped out. He was two inches from my face--calling me a loser and a ##### and a little girl. He told me I was not a woman over and over again I am so ashamed of myself for what I did next--I slapped him. I left and slept at my brothers. I made a mistake, I didn't head the warning signs for this pornography thing or his anger management problem, and now I'm married and have done something I am ashamed of(the slap). I know it could be worse, at least I don't have any kids. Is he a sex addict? What haven't I caught him doing? What do I do? I'm too ashamed of myself and the position I'm in to talk to anyone about it PLEASE help me. Sincerely, coco

[Rachel]

My last post was in error. My intention was to respond to coco's predicament. My excuse --- ummm ---- I'm a newbie.

[Heather]

I just wanted to say this, I used to have the same problem with my bf, now fiance' and the fact is~if it is something that makes the partner feel uncomfortable, etc. then he should stop!!! If he can't stop then that Im afraid is a an addict. If you love someone you should not do anything that makes them hurt or uncomfortable!

 

Alot of it deals with insecurity I think. I never really minded when my bf had mags., but then I got pregnant and my self esteem went way down especially when he would look at pics and then want to mess with me! I don't want to mess around with someone that has to look at another woman to get turned on! If he wants to look at a naked woman he can look at me! If that is not enough for him then, evidently I am not sexy enough!

 

I know alot of women like looking at porn (whatever kind that might be) with there partner, but there also are people out there that do not like it. Personally I don't! It makes me feel uncomfortable. So you can not judge and say GET OVER IT! Some people just will not and that is who they are!

 

Like I said if their husband/bf/fiance cannot stop doing something that hurts them and then lies about it, He is an addict plain and simple!

[Deejette]

I don't understand why you married him knowing that he had this "problem." I mean the lying and the porn. You caught him at it a few times but wanted to marry him so badly you denied what your eyes were telling you. Then you expected him to change now that he was married. People are not going to change just because they went through a wedding ceremony.

 

It doesn't sound like a trusting, loving relationship. He will not change even if you do slap him in the face or act very upset in other ways. He sounds like he doesn't even want to change and blames you for being immature.

 

If you want to honor your marriage vows, you will need to accept him for who and what he is. But you can still tell him that you object to certain practices and you don't want to participate in them. Then let him go and wank off to his heart's content. I personally would not put up with it, but I would not have given this dude a chance to begin with, because the writing was on the wall about him and his habits.

My last post was in error. My intention was to respond to coco's predicament. My excuse --- ummm ---- I'm a newbie.

[not the previous Rachel (NT)]

.

This issue has nothing to do with you being in the wrong. I have recently posted a similar predicament to yours so I understand what you are feeling.

 

The lying issue was what UPSET me the MOST!

 

Eventually I did a confrontation whereby I said I would rather have the truth than him trying to protect my feelings. I said lying was the worse than knowing about porn. I said lying was unnaceptable and if I found out he was (he was as I looked) I would end the marriage. Note:- I am also concerned about my husband lying straight to my face - but I'm good at body language so I knew. Chronic lying is one of the criteria in diagnosing antisocial personality - it is also referred to as psychopathic. Him saying he was doing it because he missed you is CRAP! My partners response was... wait for it... I think about you when Im masturbating. Now it has been discovered that most men can do one thing at a time - women can do 10. So how could he:- Click the computer Look at the pictures Think about me whilst looking at someone else Wank himself Eventually I said that lying was much more hurtful than me knowing you masturbate to porn. That lying was unforgiveable. ThatI was outta here if he was lying - so he finally confessed to looking at porn. Interestingly it is best to talk to men about these intimate issues late at night as they are mentally more vulnerable/weak at that time AND it is well documented that men are not very good at lying. This is a laugh - he said he thought the pics weren't porn really and he seemed to have a different theory as to what is porn (probably really explicit videos?) Mind you he is an incredibly intelligent man so I was hurt by this lying again. Maybe I am wrong? Anyway, I got out a thesaurus and dictionary and looked it up - he couldnt use that excuse anymore. I have an idea - why doesnt he see if he can get the semen on his face, that's what he wanks - kinky - wish I could watch - I would laugh my head off. I wonder what he would do, I wonder if it is possible - then see how he feels. I'm concerned when you write the porn was really raunchy(not kids, but women in compromising and degrading). That is disturbing. My husband frequents the same site - voyuer-free. This is very slightly comforting. Ages ago he looked at more explicit stuff. Nothing really sick that Ive seen anyway. He said explicit doesn't arouse him - the semi dressed ones do. What do people think of this? You wrote "that he had asked me to let him spray my face with cum I felt uncomfortable and I told him this", the rules (can't think of another word) of relationships are written in many books by experts. One is that noone should do things that are uncomfortable sexually. This is not 'well' behaviour. AND YOUR COMMENT "He was two inches from my face--calling me a loser and a ##### and a little girl. He told me I was not a woman over and over again I am so ashamed of myself for what I did next--I slapped him. I left and slept at my brothers". The above constitutes verbal and physical abuse.. mind you -you did slap him (I am laughing - I think that is great - you should have hit him harder (oops I shouldnt have said that Tut! Tut!) Again he is exhibiting sick behaviour. I also ignored the warning signs of porn on his computer - on a regular basis. My reason for staying with him are that he is a gentle soul and has many good qualities. I debated all this against - LYING and the PORN. I am still unsure HONESTLY DEEP DOWN. Please don't feel bad about the slap. I work in psych place and it is known that people can have "knee jerk reactions" this is a totally acceptable escuse for what you did. People have got lighter sentences/punishment (whatever) because of this very thing. In fact I doubt you would have been able to NOT slap him/or other reaction after the previous incident. Men have every excuse in the book for looking at porn and I find most of it hard to believe. Lying is bad karma. The thought of porn makes me sick and I think about this often. I wonder if I should visit nude men sites? I bet my husband would be devesated... his wife masturbating to male images, think about it, on second thoughts some may like it. I just asked my husband then to read your posting and he was very uncomfortable and did not read past the first few lines. He walked out of the room - why do this I wonder?? GUILT IS THE ANSWER I BET. This is fact "what goes around comes around". You have done everything right - yes even the slap. Yes he is a sex addict. He needs help. If the anger occurs on a regular basis this is another area where he needs help. I know there are sites that help with these issues.I can't find one right now.. grrrrr.. What is his relationship with his mother like? This is a crucial question. You have no need to feel shame. Let it go please. I wish you the best. I would seek counselling if possible. I am looking for one now. Lots and lots of good wishes - you have my utmost empathy Rachel

[allison]

You are living in an abusive situation. WAKE UP AND GET OUT!Your husbands behaviour is dehumanizing. His pastime promotes violence against women, and you are becoming the product. Start thinking about your needs and desires. Regain your self-esteem and don't allow your manipulative creep of a husband to rob you of your self-worth. He has control issues that need to be delt with. Separate yourself from him until he has gotten help and is stable. Rekindle your relationship when he is healthy. You will get treated the way you let people treat you. Establish your boundaries and stand firm. Too often women forget about their own needs while constantly trying to please others. Your relationship can only improve if your husband gets help. I suggest you get help as you are in a very painful situation.

[Tony T]

I don't understand why you married him knowing that he had this "problem." I mean the lying and the porn. You caught him at it a few times but wanted to marry him so badly you denied what your eyes were telling you. Then you expected him to change now that he was married. People are not going to change just because they went through a wedding ceremony. It doesn't sound like a trusting, loving relationship. He will not change even if you do slap him in the face or act very upset in other ways. He sounds like he doesn't even want to change and blames you for being immature. If you want to honor your marriage vows, you will need to accept him for who and what he is. But you can still tell him that you object to certain practices and you don't want to participate in them. Then let him go and wank off to his heart's content. I personally would not put up with it, but I would not have given this dude a chance to begin with, because the writing was on the wall about him and his habits.