In need of Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!!

[pitprincess]

I am in need of some advice

 

I have a daughter that met a boy last October that became her boyfriend and for a long while this guy was one of the best guys I had ever been around.

He moved in with us and after time went on I got to noticing this guy was getting her away from me and her father.

I don't mean getting her away as in taking her away but mentally putting false things in her head about me and her father.

My Daughter was 17 since she has turned 18.

This guy asked her to move out the week before her birthday and she did. They moved to his parents basement and my daughter ended up spending all her time setting with his mother that has cancer.

She wasn't allowed to leave, she had no use of a phone unless he was there and witnessed who she called and the phone turned up where he could hear both ends of the conversation, She had no windows to see out of and ended up being depressed..

My daughter don't drive, hasn't got a license but she does know how to drive but has no car.

This guy started telling her that me and her father was brain washing her because he and I got in a dispute one evening since then I am this very bad mother.

A little over a month ago she finally left this idiot after him beating her and choking her leaving bruises all around her neck.

She called me and said Mom come get me.

Me being her Mom and I love her get in my car right away and drive 100 plus to pick her up and get her away from there...

 

Couple days went by and she had no contact with him at all, Decided that she never will again. In the mean time a modeling agency Barbizon made contact with her and I took her for her interview and she out of 149 girls made the academy.

 

He has found out that she is going to be a model, now he wont stop stalking her.

I have reported it to the local police but nothing done to him as of yet.

He has painted on the street that. I love you ***** in big brite paint marks. Follows us around town, gets all her friends to call her and try's to get her friends to put them in contact with one another.

 

I Took her to Baton Rouge (at her request) to get her away because she didn't want to be around here anymore and felt that she wanted to go stay with a friend down there so I took her.

She stays a week and comes home.

Last week rumors had been being said and I wanderd if they weren't true that she had been talking to this guy again.

Her and my friends daughter went to the movies and he showed up, not sure if it was set up or not but now I feel it was. This guy was not there long so the friend said but did show up.

 

She came in a couple days ago and I noticed a big attitude change in her.

Throwing the IM 18 and I will do as I want, told me to stay out of her life and let her make her own choices.

I thought I had done everything right that I should with asking questions about if she was seeing him again or talking to him (I felt that I have the right to know Incase something were to happen to her) Because I am scared it very well may as long as she is with him.

 

She and I had a really big argument on Monday night, she hit me and I smacked her on the arm for it. She told me how much she hated me and how sorry of a person I am.

I felt that it would be best if her dad took her to my mothers house for the night or a few days for us BOTH to cool off.

She packed her things and her daddy MADE her tell me bye. I told her I loved her and she left.

 

Well, she has been in modeling a month now, I paid 1300.00 cash( non refundable for her to start this because it was something positive towards her outlook in life.

 

She took the first two days of modeling to heart... Then last night, Knowing she had modeling today went out and got around some old friends and got drunk.

Her father went and picked her up from across town in a dump and with several people sleeping in the house she was in.

My husband told me that the house was awful ... said that he just couldn't believe our kid was in a place like that.( Now I do live in a old 72 model trailer so I can just imagian where she was at and I have a new home in the front yard being finished at this moment.)

 

He took her back to her grandmothers house and this evening my mother and my daughter came to pick up her little sister to go to church for a school opening.

When she got here I expected her to come in and at least let me see she is OK but she told her father she hates me and never wanted to see me again,

My heart is so sad, I have cried all day, all week really.

I just don't know what I did so wrong that she feels like this towards me.

I don't know what to do just to get her to talk to me. I know its breaking my heart that she wont even look at me.

Please help me understand or please help me get a hold of my self!!!

I spend every minute crying over this and just don't know what to do.

 

I am sorry this is so long, thank you for taking your time to read.

Any Advice I will listen to, just please go easy on me.. my emotions are very sad right now.

[frogprinz29]

Hey,

 

"RESTRAINING ORDER" is the first thing to come to my mind. This takes alot of pressure off of you in case he comes around. Get a restraining order for your property and grandmother's property. If he violates it then, no questions asked. He's broken the restraining order and the cops haul him off, just like that. It won't prevent your daughter from going elsewhere to meet him, unless the restraining order is for her person. Being 18 years old, she would have to set up the restraining order. Since you've been to the police already, then I guess a restraining order has already been presented as an option? Perhaps a video camera being handy to tape his unwanted presence and harrassment.

 

There's nothin' like the love of a mom. Although you a hurting terribly, and I'm sorry that you are. Try to be strong and hang in there. I don't have children myself, but the woman with whom I was in 9 year relationship with, has a daughter. I was with them, when her daughter was 11 y.o. until she turned almost 21 y.o. I feel that I was father figure to her daughter during that time. Her biological father has never been there for them and is pretty much a dead beat dad. I tried to teach her the things a father would want their daughter to know and be aware of. I tried to give her the love and care a father would. We had our arguments and indifferences. Being 18 y.o., your daughter, much like alot of individuals who turn 18 y.o. believe they can handle the world, knows what's best, and feel that they don't have to answer to anyone. Unfortunately, until they get a hard hit with the reality of the real world, won't or can't see how life can be. Some people may never become better for the wiser. The life some people live can be terrible. Just by reading the information in your thread, it sounds like you've done much for her recently. You saved her from what sounds to be a very abusive environment at her boyfriend's home. You moved her away and set her up on a very prestigious modeling agency. All you can do is try to be supportive and be there for her when she falls.

 

How old is her younger sister? Are they close? Does the little one look up to her older sister? Is the little one aware of the things going on surrounding the boyfriend and his abusiveness? Maybe let your 18 y.o. know that her little sister does take notice to the things going on, because little kids are very observant and smart.

She needs to set a good example for her little sister. Have you guys talked about counseling or thought about talking to the pastor/priest for counseling at your church?

 

A friend told me a story about a police officer he knows, who was having trouble with his teenage daughter. I guess she was getting into trouble and was getting too big for her own britches. He took her out for a drive to one of the slums where the worst of society congregate. There were hookers, druggies, drug dealers, garbage, terrible smells, and transients sleeping in their own filth in the streets. He said this is going to be you if you stay on the path you're on. I believe the police officer said that he was going to drop her off and that she was to get herself back home. The daughter began to cry and got a dose of reality. His approach worked, because she straightened up the next day.

 

Your daughter may have to get a dose of reality and make it back home on her own. You can love her and do so much for her, but if she can't see the light at the end of the tunnel before things get worse or something awful happens, and won't accept the help of her wiser loved ones, then she's got to live in the bed she makes. Hopefully, nothing bad happens to her, but sometimes "tough love" is the only remedy to wake people up.

I hope my post wasn't too long for you, and is of help or reassurance. I wish you luck and offer my blessings.

[pitprincess]

Thank you so much for posting back to me.

My daughter still has not made any contact with me yet

 

My little girl is 10- She see's the mess her older sister has got her self into. My 10 year old daughter started bringing it to my attention about what was happening with the boy friend.

I agree Kids are smarter then most give them credit for. My little girl and her don't get along well here at home but away from here they seem to do fine unless someone makes them mad.

 

I have tried to put the order of protection on this guy but my daughter never got to sign the papers before we got her out of town. Once we came back she just didn't go sign them.

 

I asked her to go to the family clinic with me so we can at least talk because I don't want this happening between her and my self but she won't go. She just keep's telling everyone that she hates me and I really don't think she does, but I do think he has her head messed up with something in the past he has said to her.

 

 

It sounds like you had your hands full along the same lines..

I think its wonderful that you helped the child you did out of the love of your heart.

You should be praised for that.

 

I have a friend that is a officer. I think I will give it a shot in asking her to take my daughter with her to some of these places and see what she thinks, my self I don't think it would hurt anything for her to see the path in life she is starting to show she is wanting.

 

I just don't want to live my life with out my kid talking to me or knowing I will always be there for her when ever she is in need.

Right now I am scared that if she is in serious need that she would not call and I don't want that.

 

I am just so sad from missing her that it really depresses me.

I know she is 18 and she has to grow up and one day be on her own, but with no job, no car, no money, no mom and dad by her side and her being a high school drop out that she really needs the help to get started on the right foot.

 

I feel like with her being 18 and a high school drop out and all the mess she is going through is our fault in raising her sometimes.

Thank you for your help and the viewing of your story of what happend.

Maybe some of what you said can help me... I am sure going to try.

Thank you again

[overseas2004]

I am not sure if anybody else pointed this out to you. I had the time to read your post and my heart goes out to you. However, how could you let a guy move into your house with you? Isn't that sending your daughter a really bad message. I mean you sound like you are a good parent but that was really really bad. ANd you need to do a reality check about letting that happen in the future with your second daughter.

 

I dont mean to be mean but I had to be honest. Now about the rest of your post. I was like a hellion when I was a teenager. I gave my mom alot of grief. This went on for a couple of years and I imagine very tough for any parent to watch. The best you can do is hope and pray....that eventually the seed you planted about proper behavior will turn into a plant. With me it did. I ended up turning myself into a real human being. But between 15-21 I was nowhere in life.

 

Try also not to hit her or to say mean words. I know sometimes you just want to kill her but the ill treatment I got at the hands of my mother during that time cemented alot of anger and resentment in the future. I wasn't able to get rid of my anger towards her until just this summer (I am 36). Can you believe it?

 

You have a tough job and I really feel for you. They always say that being a parent is the toughest job anyone can have. Keep us posted!!!

 

Good luck

 

Overseas

[pitprincess]

I feel that I did the right thing with her hounding me to move out at 17 I let him come stay here.

 

I did what I was put in a place to do and thats what I done.

 

Tonight has been a tuff night..

 

I went to a girl friends house tonight and my oldest showed up with her grandmother to drop her little sister off there. My friend asked my daughter to please talk to me because I have been crying all week and was really upset. She told her no and left.

 

Later this evening her best friend calls me saying she is going back with him... I was a wreck... I ran out the door, no shoes no purse no nothing and headed to her friends house for her to explain to my bawling eyes why this was happening.

She told me that my daughter had put her out of my parents house and desided that she was going back to him.

 

I had left my home leaving my little girl with her dad and didnt even explain where I was going..

I look up and my husband, my racing partners, my friends, my family was all pulling in to this little girls house to check on me.

 

I couldnt do nothing but cry and drop to the ground from my emotions...

 

My husband and his buddys loaded in the car and headed to my mothers home and I knew if they got there before I did there was going to be big trouble..

 

My friends loaded me in their car and took me to my mothers house but before I got there... we started to pass a store where 2 cops were and I seen them talking to two guys which I thought was my husband and one of his friends that had gone with him.

Come to see it was her X Boyfriend- Cops told me that he had called them and told them my daughter was trying to leave and my mother and father was holding her agenst her will.

It was not true) The officer told me what he wanted them)officers) to go and pick her up and bring her to him. They said they would not do that but they would go ask her what she would like to do since she is 18 and make sure that she wasnt being healed agenst her will.

 

I left and went on to my mothers house where I find, My mother sister my daughter and many others stading in the driveway with her father and all his friends and then me and all my friends.

The two cops pull in and give me a min to talk to her.

She told me she hated me over and over, this was all my fault.. She was leaving with him no matter what anyone said.

 

It broke my heart.. she wouldnt listen to me at all, even made me get away from her. I just took her by the face and looked at her and said. I love you more then anything else in this world. I want you to know if you ever need me for anything no matter if you hate me or not you call me.

I just had to let her know I loved her.

I don't want her thinking im trying to rule her life..

 

My friend desided that she wanted to talk to her just a few mins alone.

I walked off crying and my daughter listend as she talked.

 

I don't know why my friend said that I couldn't but what ever she said my daughter did not leave with this guy.

She desided to go home with my friend for the night. We got home and 15 mins my friend called me.

Then she drove in the drive and my daughter came in and brought her things.

She told me she loved me and understands now (since she can think) that I was only doing what God had placed in me as a GOOD mother doing what she had to do to take care of her.

She has said she was sorry many many times.

 

I think she needs to see someone and first thing tomorrow im calling the dr and taking her in to be seen.

 

I just want the best for her and I am not saying being home is best for her but this guy is not at all.

 

I feel better tonigh.... still crying from emotions and thanking you guys for your support and help.

I cant tell you just how much that means to me.

Thank you so so much

[Fire Inside 29]

Hi, As far as kids go I dont have any right now.As far as angst and growing goes well im sure we were all wild at one time or another.When you turn 18 you feel invinsible and life or parents cant hold you down or keep you from anything anymore.That is not true though.I think your daughter is just going through the crossover phase of teenager to adult.I think all those years where you had your say,now she knows she has her say because her age has no restrictions.As far as you taking the boyfriend into your house with your daughter I think that was somewhat of a good idea.Come on I mean we all know if they want to do something they will do it.Atleast have them do it somewhere safe.I think the boyfriend needs to stay away from her i would have a good talk with him if I was you?Wheres his parents?Anyway I feel for you I hope everything works out.I think she is just in that rebellious freedom stage it happens to everybody its a real hardtime for parents.After some years though she will thank you for all you have done and she will find hard lifes cards are and appreciate all your help.Dont worry it will all get better.Get rid of that boyfriend she has though any man that chokes a women should be choked himself.!!

[pitprincess]

Thank you...

 

I really felt with us not knowing him like we should have that it was smarter for him to stay here and us let him or she was leaving and that wasn't something I wanted with us knowing so little about him.

Yes she was with him a long time- 9 months but she knew him we didnt.

I am hanging in and holding on... she is my daughter and I love her and i will try my best to protect her from harms way in any shape or form

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, that means alot to me

[moimeme]

It's really great that she listened to your friend. Sometimes, at that age, they'd rather take advice from anybody else but their mom. As long as she'll pay attention to someone older and wiser, there's still hope. She may even end up living with one of your friends but that sure would be better than going back to that guy.

 

You might want to talk to her about seeing a doc, though. That might set her off all over again. Maybe your friend should suggest it to her.

[Matilda]

Hang in there! Your daughter doesn't hate you, try not take all this so personally. (Although, if it were me and my daughter I'm sure I'd be crying too.)

 

Continue to try to guide her, but sometimes, unfortunately, kids this age need to make some mistakes, before they really understand their parents know what they are talking about.

[pitprincess]

Thank you all so much..

 

She is still here at home and doing well.

She has told me over and over how sorry she was and still cant believe she acted out to me like she did.

 

I have her a Dr. appointment that she will be keeping.

 

She has went to take her drivers test and passed it, I am so proud of her for that :)

 

We took her today to get started taking her GED and she did well on the tab test, so maybe she can get that done as well. She has been job hunting everyday since she came home.

Things are going great at this time :)

 

THank you all for your help :):)

[Matilda]

I'm glad things are looking up.

[moimeme]

That's wonderful to hear!