On A Rollercoster............Any Advice?

[Foolish Heart]

This is going to be long............but I desparately need help. I met this man in March........outside my door. He was doing installation work on my neighbors apartment. I thought he was attractive, but paid no attention. We spoke briefly, an dthen he asked for my nimber. I asked if he had a girlfriend, he paused and said yes. I said, no, I'll pass, and drove to wherever I was going. Months passed, and he was here doing work again in May. I saw him from a distance, but went back inside. 20 min later. he knocked on my door. I asked if he still had a girlfriend, he said , more like a living arrangement, she's moving. I still refused to give him my number, but he gave me his. Still, never called. H eleft his number on my door one time after.I used it, only to find out if the company he worked for was hiring, because at that time, I needed a job bad. He honestly hooked me up, but I declined the job, because I got a better offer. But ever since the day I called him about the job, we have been involved since. I never gave him my number, he got mine off the caller id on his cell phone.

 

We began chatting daily. He has given me gifts, and money and has sneeked his way into my 3 yr olds heart. The woman who lives with him has children who are not his (he has no kids) and apparently seems to come in and out of his life when she feels like it, because they lived together before, she moved and he moved on with life. Then one day, she wanted to come back, he stped his life and allowed her back. Contrary to what he says.....I beleive he loves her. He says he's helping her get on her feet and move out, but I have never met her. He's not available on weekends and tells me he feels somewhat obligated to her while she is living there. We have gone out before. He has come over here on many occasions, but neve overnight. We have not had sex. But he and I both said we want to wait until she moves, and there is no confusion. But it seems that there was a time where I had the upper hand, now things have changed. I feel like because he knows he's got me, he returns phone calls at his convenience, wants to come by when it's convenient for him. Wants me to wait on him.......but I really don't know what I'm waiting for? In the begininng, I told him to call me when his situation changes..........but then I could'nt hold up my end of the deal. I have never met anyone like him before. He has met my mother and has charmed the hell out of her, she loves hime. My OWN MOTHER thinks I should wait for him. Sept. is near, and that's when the move is scheduled. We have plans to go out of town, but I won't go if she is still living there with him. I want this man badly. But I think I am being taken for granted right now. I think he thinks he's got it going on because he's got two women who are into him. I called him last night @ 10 pm.............phone was off of course. I cried all last night because I'm tired of being 2nd choice or second best. And I am a beautiful woman, with a great head on her shoulders. I want to block his numbers out, because if I don't, I will answer his calls. But I don't want to do this anymore. I need some help.....PLEASE. I have told him over and over again, but he won't listen. Now I need to take action and start doing. Any advice?

[Cis]

Why do we do this? I swear to God - this morning I was thinking about how badly I still miss my "friend" - the one who has told me to "leave him alone". The one who stole my heart and filled my head with promises. A very very charming man who also had a wife and child.

 

I've been reading lots of anthropology trying to understand why I've made such bad decisions and why I'm still so hung up on Mr. Charmer. Still not sure! But all I can tell you is that if you can get off the roller coaster - DO IT! Sooner rather than later. It only gets worse.

 

And remember - this is as good as he gets. If he takes your for granted now - just imagine how he'll be after a 3 year relationship.

 

But for today, - take back your power - tell him he can contact you after 6 months of no contact with the other woman. If you are still interested and available - you'll consider seeing him.

 

Good Luck - I tried to do this - but caved every time. Now he's decided to wash his hands of it and of course now there is no caving......

[EnigmaXOXO]

Foolish Heart writes: I cried all last night because I'm tired of being 2nd choice or second best.

 

Cis writes: I've been reading lots of anthropology trying to understand why I've made such bad decisions and why I'm still so hung up on Mr. Charmer. Still not sure!

 

Romantic love is selfish and self serving, despite all the unselfish things we might do to prove to the object of our emotional dependence how much we need them and want to be with them. We "love" someone because it makes us feel good to love them. NOT because they need, appreciate, reciprocate, or even deserve that love. Our egos make us emotional co-dependants, and it is our egos (not love) that keeps us wanting someone even after they've walked out of our lives. It's because our wounded pride won't allow us to accept the fact that we weren't good enough---that someone else didn't want or need us as much as we did them.

 

Once we learn to distinguish the difference between a broken heart and a bruised ego (although they can often feel the same)…then we are one step closer to learning how to "take back our personal power" as Cis so eloquently stated.

 

You ARE good enough. You always have been. And just because someone else didn't have it within them to recognize that, doesn't mean it isn't so. The only way to regain our self confidence and injured pride (personal power) is to convince our stubborn egos to allow them go.

 

"Love," would by its very essence, allow someone to walk away and feel joyous in the fact that they have finally found happiness and contentment; even without us. But "ego" puts up a desperate fight because it refuses to accept that "it" is not the benefactor of that joy or the center of which another person's well-being revolves.

 

Does that make any sense at all??

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

 

Once we learn to distinguish the difference between a broken heart and a bruised ego (although they can often feel the same)…then we are one step closer to learning how to "take back our personal power" as Cis so eloquently stated.

 

You ARE good enough. You always have been. And just because someone else didn't have it within them to recognize that, doesn't mean it isn't so. The only way to regain our self confidence and injured pride (personal power) is to convince our stubborn egos to allow them go.

 

Does that make any sense at all??

 

 

Enigma - very insightful words. But how do we know when what we're suffering is a bruised ego or an actual broken heart?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think the best indication is when we find ourselves asking the questions: "why can't I let go of this relationship even though I fully understand that it is what the other person wants? Why do I still want to be with this person even though the rational part of my brain tells me that I'm probably better off without them?" or "How can s/he move on so easily without me, while I'm feeling so d*mn miserable and lost? Why can't they see how much I love (need) them? Why aren't they able to love (need) me back in the same way? What is it about me that they find so unlovable?"

 

That's not "love" talking. That's ego.

 

Ego: 1. The self, esp. as distinct from the external world. 2. Psycho-anal. The conscious personality component that most directly controls behavior and is most in touch with reality. 3. Self-love.

 

Love seeks to give, and the heart is very capable of continuing to care for someone even in their absence. But ego is the part of us which makes us "needy"…and desires that we receive something in return for that love. (Only parental love is the exception to that rule)

 

When it comes to romantic love, we humans give love to get love no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise. And it's that 'ego' part of ourselves which sometimes makes us behave compulsively and do things ' in the quest for love' which has us questioning our own irrational behavior at times. And most of the time, we are simply confusing "need" with "love."

 

If you want to move on, its not so much about "getting over" the love (or need) we still feel for that other person. It's more about "getting over" ourselves and our own bruised egos. Only when the ego has healed…or it has found someone/something else to feed it…does the "love" we thought we felt for that other person begin to fade.

 

As a matter of fact, that probably explains WHY romantic love fades!

[Foolish Heart]

Cis,

 

Thank you....you really confirmed every thing I was already thinking, and prepared to do. He called. I did not answer. I did not call back. I thin kI am really fed up, I guess. Cause I tried it before, and it did not work. Who's to say, once the chick moves out, it will be over?

 

I mean, this is really for the birds. This really isin't me at all. Sometimes I think that he continued to pursue me, because I turned him down. An ego thing. And now it's like " I got her" I won!!!" Promises are a comfort for fools. Thank You.