I don't know why this has happend, I don't understand, can somone help?

[crash&burn]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here and in desperate need of some advice, particuarly from females or from guys who have been in the same position as what mine is. This is quite a long story, I hope you can all read through.

 

Basically my girlfriend of 2.5 years (she is 25yrs old I am 23) broke up with me a month ago, which upset both her and I immensely. She felt that our relationship had become routine, stagnant, stale and a little boring, which is true, but for good reasons. We're both very tight financially as we both attend uni and only work 2 days per week, working obscure hours and on weekends. Being busy with uni assignments and exams, and 2.5 years is a long time to be with someone, so you start to get comfortable.

 

She had been feeling this way for a few months now, I could tell something was wrong, but she never really mentioned it to me, looking back now however, I do see slight things she did which implied this. So when she wanted to break up I was obviously shocked and bewildered. I didn't ever really beg or bawl my eyes out, i did tell her that we could fix this and that I could change. But she said that because she had been feeling this way for a few months now, she had it set in her mind that things couldn't be fixed, so she couln't see it happening. She was crying at this stage, while telling me that she does love me, enoys my company, likes my personality traits and sense of humour, and that she couldn't ask for a better boyfriend (which makes it harder for me to give up, as i know that she does love me). I tried to get her to stay with me, but she said she didn't want to give me the wrong impression, she kissed me gently on the cheeck, as tears rolled down her face, and left.

 

The following day, I rang her and said that I wanted her to know that I would wait for her, I was crying and so was she, I then hung up. We both ended up taking the weekend off work, she went and stayed at her mothers and I cried all weekend at home. I sent message for the next day, saying stupid things like "maybe it was our living arrangements, I'll move out of living her with all the guys" and "Have you met someone else?". She told me that it wasn't the living arrangements, and that she didn't even want to look at another guy. Which since has been reinforced by her friends. The messaging getting me nowhere, but more depressed and perplexed.

 

I gave her 6 days of NC (no contact) then not being able to stand it anymore, call her and asked to go for a drink.

She accepted and we went to a nice bar down the road from her place. Almost immediately she asked me what I wanted to talk about. I said that I needed to know a few things to clear up my head. She said to ask. I asked her things like, if she loves me or is in love with me, she replied by saying she felt as though they were the same thing. I also asked her if she thought she had made the right decision, she replied by saying "yes, it was the only way for me to feel happy again and work myself out". And I asked her if they were the real reasons she broke up with me, she explained that it wasn't me, but it was our situation, as I mentioned before routine and stale. She couldn't see a change happening and couldn't see a way for us to fix things. She was again cying while she was speaking to me, and she could also see that I was upset.

 

I then had NC with her for another week, when she messaged me if I wanted to catch up for a drink or coffee, I said how about lunch before uni, she agreed. We had lunch, I felt awkward and wasn't eating, I was distant and struggling to hold back my emotions and beg for her back. It ended awkwardly with us both walking up to uni and her saying "ok bye, i'm going this way".

 

I then had another week of NC. Saw her at a mutual friends party, she looked beautiful and I had butterflies. She said hello to me, I asked her for a hug, she gave me one. We spoke throughout the night, about trivial things, such as her getting the job she had been waiting 3 months to hear back from (starts iin January, life changing job, in her chosen field, which was pretty much the best job she could have got), once hearing this I felt happy for her, but also felt dispair, as it now felt as though she is moving on with her life and I am no longer apart of it ( I had been with her through her whole degree). I didn't mention anything about us or getting back together, or if she misses me. She stayed for about 4 hrs. When she left I nearly broke down, instead spoke to her friends, they told me she she adores me and loves me more than anyone else ever and probably just needs time to sort herself out.

I was meant to stay at the party all night, but instead I left early and went home to cry.

 

It has now been almost another week. I called her yesterday (stupidly) to ask if she had 2 minutes, she said she thought she could spre me 2 minutes, I asked her for help with a uni question. She helped as much as she could and pretty much hung up, no talk of catching up soon, no nice to hear from you, no fricken NOTHING?!

 

Today I feel depressed and upset with myself for calling her yesterday, I loved hearing her voice and loved talking to her, but despised the feeling I got that she wasn't really sure why I called and did't really want to talk to me. Am i being paranoid? Is this just an awkward situation for both of us?

 

I really feel as though I am hanging on here, mainly because it feels as though we should be together, we were both very much in love and before this happend, in a very happy relationship (I know this because her friend used to say that I'm the first boyfriend she kept hold of tight and did't get on her nerves). I feel as though we can get b ack together, not sure if i'm being delusional or hangin on to a hope that she'll realise her mistake. I want to call her and tell her that I'm not going to give up and that until she tells me that there is no hope, then I will always keep trying. I don't care what anyone else says about there being plenty more fish in the sea, I loved my ex and if there was something else better, I would have been looking for it, or bumped into it along the way. She was perfect to me.

 

Does anyone out there, have any advice, suggestions or comments to give me? I'd really, really appreciate it. I'm in a hole and can't get out. I need clarity, understanding and insight.

[Velveteel]

If she loves you this much, and has no real complaints about you, but refuses to consider staying together, you have to let her go. You must be strong--go on with your life, finish your studies, get a great job, and meet other people. Don't entirely lose touch with her, though. Keep a mutual friend or two, if you can. And maybe someday, after she's had some excitement and explored a little on her own, you can reconnect with her.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're in a much better position than most of the people on this board who had off-and-on or difficult relationships with their exes. She will remember you fondly.

 

Also, try to learn from this. You had a strong relationship, but took each other for granted. You became boring. Don't let that happen again. If you have a boring, routine week or two with your next girlfriend, arrange for some surprise or gift or mystery. Reveal another facet of yourself. Otherwise, lovers become like family too soon. We know everything about them, so why delve any deeper, why be fascinated and engaged?

[sock83]

G'day mate,

Hey im in the same situation as you and we kinda broke up for the same reasons as you too. Me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago and i'll tell you what mate i have been going through the same emotions as you , always wondering where she is, who she's with, what she's thinking....... and those thoughts drive me crazy, some advice and tatics that i have started to do now you dont have to do what i do but this way gives you more chance to get her back.

 

Dont crave for her presence, as much as you want her to be with you or by your side, dont show her that you need her remember this humans tend to what what they dont have and if you are always there she has no time to see what she is missing, im saying they you dont see her any-more but dont ring her and ask to see her let make that first step and it will make you feel a whole better when you hear say"do you want to catch up".

 

Dont say that you love her she already knows exactly how you feel , saying i love you is only telling her how you feel and what you want, if you stop saying it it stops any pressure and helps her to sort out her feelings.

 

If you find out she has been with someone else or is just seeing someone else which we hope doesnt dont react, this is very important if you try and stop her from doing something she will only want to do it more.

 

take my advice if you like, i have started to do these things and it's made me feel better about myself, more confidient and you dont look desperate.

my ex rang me three times this week she's hot and cold but we have started to build a good relationship a new spark, Dont worry about the past whats happend has happend and until they invent a time machine you cant change that so dont even bring up the past and concentrate more on the present and future really if you give it time and a bit of patience things will work out mate and if they dont youll be strong enough to get through.

Never say never , life is made up memories make them good ones.

 

reply back to me

sock83 21 yo

[crash&burn]

[color=orange]hey Velveteel,

 

Thanks for your advice, you're right it wasn't what I wanted to hear. You're probably right, but I'm just not ready to give up. Meeting back up with her later on in life is promising, but I feel that I can't take a risk of her meeting someone new, encountering the same problems, and realising to herself that its just part of life, so she stays with him. I promise you that your advice won't go to waste. I just feel as though RIGHT NOW I need to try to get her back, I don't know if its a gut feeling, or just my emotions.. But hey, I don't want to look back at this later as a mistake.[/color]

 

[color=blue]Hi sock83.

 

It's always sad to hear that there are others out there, going through the pain you are. But it really does help to talk to others who know what it feels like, sometimes strangers are more help than your friends, as your friends say things which will help you get on with life. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you're always wondering what they're up do, who they're with. Sending me insane. I see her car at uni and feel or go to places that remind me of when we were together and just feel like dying. It's these times in-particular that I feel most like I need talking to her. I rarely go an hour without thinking of her.

 

I've been in constant conflict with myself, debating what is my best approach to getting back together. Do I chase hard now, tell her the way I feel and that this time apart has made me realise how much I love her? But then I think - STUPID! It's not about me, its about her, no matter what I say, it's not going to change the way she's feeling.

 

Other times, I feel the need to call her, ask to meet with her and tell her that for me to move on, I need her to say that we have no chance of getting back together. That will probably be the only thing that will force me to move on.. But will I do it? Probably not, because I'm scared that it might pressure her into do something she wasn't ready for.

 

And other times I think that it would be best to just try my hardest not to contact her, give her some space, give myself a chance to regroup my emotions, and try to hang out as friends. Maybe then she'll see that things have changed and we can get back together happily.

 

The new job she got starts next year, and will most likely require her to move, about an hour away. We both knew this when she applied for the job, so I had been thinking very seriously about moving with her, I could just transfer uni and get another casual job. I feel as though if we had of tried living together, maybe both her and I would have been able to live our own lives, but still together. She would be able to see me, and also be able to stay at her own place, which was a problem when we were going out, because she always ended up staying at my house (it was always just easier, as she drove past my house when finishing work, uni is closer to mine, etc). Because of this she could never really do the things she wanted to do, like go to the gym early in the morning, have her own things with her, that sort of stuff. Now that may sound stupid, but I know this pissed her off, but I didn't do anything about it.. STUPID!

 

Would moving in with her of solved the problem? I really think it would have.. but..Should I tell her this? Will it scare her away? Who really knows, apart from her. So here is my predicament. I have so many things to try, but don't know which to do. She IS busy at the moment with uni, and I can see she is liking the time she has to go to the gym and hang our with her friends. So this makes me think that she won't want to work it out.. BUT i seriously think she can have all that and still be with me.. its happens with other people everyday!

 

Look I dunno what's going on hey, you're most likely feeling the same way. You have a plan and you seem to be sticking to it, thats awesome.. I just don't know what to do.. What do ya reckon? Thanks for replying though hey, I really appreciate it. Let me know how things are going with you.[/color]

[beautiful]

Moving in with her would have only made it worse! I am totally agreeing with the advice you got. Sock you hit it right on the nail.

 

The very best thing you can do now is move on and behappy in yourown life. You may want to figure out why you seem so desperate to be with her and fix that part in you.

 

A relationship takes a lot of work. Allowing it to become routine is always very bad. Taking one another for granted is equally bad.

 

So concentrate on YOU. Don;t worry about her for now because there is nothing you can do or say! The more you do or say to her right now, the further she will go and may not ever come back.

 

Again, if someone truly loves you, they will not hurt you or treat you badly. Respect her and love her enough to let her go and live her life.

If she wanted ot be with you, she simply be there.

 

Good Luck!

[echo419]

crash&burn,

 

I'm right with ya. My EX broke up with me about a month ago---closer to 5 weeks, ahh whos counting. Anyway, I know what your going through. I was going through the same thing where nothing made sense. One day I would think I had it figured out, the next day I was totally lost again. I was going in circles. Then I looked at it like this--She knows how I feel, she knows I want it to work out, she knows I want to change......So what else can I do? The balls in her court now, I know its hard but you have to try and not worry about what she is up to. Focus on yourself my friend. Give her time to think it over and figure out what she wants. Try and not expect her to come back--I know thats hard because I expected my EX to come back.

You have to follow sock83's advice as hard as that is. If your like me your tired of feeling depressed. It looks like you, like me, have done just about everything you can do. It is up to them now, so you have to let go of what you can't control.

Of course I hope the best works out for you. Give her some time and space. Take this time to focus on yourself and work at becoming a better person from this. LEARN from this! It can only make your next relationship all that much better----be it with her or without.

 

Best of luck to all of us

[sock83]

hey its sock 83 again,

hows it all going? well what can i say, in my situation there has been no change really, as i said she rang me three times and asked to see me so i went and saw her, tough is an understatement there is no real word to describe how hard it is too see your ex espically when you want her back real bad but you know there is nothing you can do.

 

She went on to tell me that she's been having so much fun latley which killed me inside knowing that im been feeling really bad BUT i didnt let her see that, she also said to me that if we where to ever get back together that it would just happen and i cant go through my life living in hope, just incase it doesnt happen.

I think she was trying to unload the guilt that she's been having from hurting me guess what it didnt work. i told her that i wasnt living in hope and also told her she knows how i feel about her but at the end of the day she has to be happy.

 

Now the other way i could have handled what she said is broke down and begged which would have just pushed her away even more instead i left and said"i'll see you when i see you next", im not playing games im just not letting her play with my emotions and have control of me if that makes sense.

Now she can go out and have fun guilt free but i can tell you going out and having fun and finding her self and all that crap like everything in life only lasts so long sooner or later you get bored of the same thing, now when this happens 1 of 2 things can happen she finds another relationship or she goes back to a past relationship (me), what she chooses to do is yet to be seen but if i continue to be me (knowing that our relationship broke down because she felt she was missing out on something else and not because i did something really bad) i still hold a very good chance the only person that can ruin that chance is myself.

 

Now im not in denial i know full well that we might not ever get back together and dealing with those thoughts are very hard but, i know without being vein that im a good person, have a good career and can hold my head up high with a smile on my face and get through so if my ex misses out on me well bad luck to her because someone else will one day be my princess instead.

 

This week i have decided not to ansewer any of her calls or text messages and as she said to me "i want to find myself" well im going to do the same and i dont need to talk to her to find myself infact if i did talk to her this week it would make things worse. That's a decision i have made without worring about what she thinks of it.

Now i really dont know if im handleing things the right way but only time will tell.

I have some more advice now you can take it or leave it but this is how i choose to handle things.

Ok here goes.

 

Every time that she/he eneters your mind weather a good thought or bad, tell yourself NO! i'm not going to think about Her/Him it only makes me feel bad!

you are only going to torture yourself if you think about her trust me i know it's hard not to i still wake up every morning and she's on my mind, of course you cant fully get her/him out of your head but you can stop yourself from going into deep thought about him/her, tell yourself, write it on a post it note and stick it smoewhere that you always look.

 

If you have some thing to do that day concentrate on that even if it is only going shopping or something concentrate on that.

 

Take any pictures that you have of you and her TOGETHER and put them somewhere where you cant see them, it's one of the toughest things to do i know but if you do it you are taking it out of your face your heads doing enough emotional thinking you dont need a material item to remid you as well.

 

Respect your ex desions whatever they might be however hurtfull and painfull they are to you, YOU MUST NOT SHOW your ex that you dont like them doing a particular thing, if you do you are trying to control them and it will only push them away, sure have your own opionon but if you think that what you are going to say is not helping yours or their situation dont say it at all.

 

Remember this the more you do not give them your attention the more they will want it back, they will start missing it, and they will want it back. Remember what i said about humans tend to want what they can not have well this applies to attention as well.

 

Your ex is not out to hurt you intentiannly they are only being selfish because they are putting themselvs first instead of including you, you know exactly who your ex is remember when you first met and started to get to know them well that is the person they are being now and you are still in that love person mode, you have to ask yourself who was i before i met her/him? be that person again and stop being half a person because thats what you become when you are in a relationship, obvisoly she/he has done it maybe you should too?thats the only way you will attract him/her back they dont want an insucre emotional wreck.

 

Be friends with them as hard as it will be if thay can gain your trust as friends it will take a lot of pressure off both of you and clear up all the confusion and hey if you are your friendly self again it just might attract them back.

 

i know i have crapped on a bit but i have learnt that if you try to control a situation it only backfires someone once told me that

 

"fighting to win back the one you love almost will almost guarantee your failure" it's out of your hands, know what happens will happen because it supposed to not because you make it.

 

This is how i choose to deal with it and give myself hope whilst moving on as well, it might work it might not but at the end of the day i can say to myself "i am who i am and no-one will ever take that away from me espically another person.

 

Thanks for listening and i hope everyone all the best including myself i'll keep you guys updated and if you ever need to drop a line im all ears we are all here to help each other

"life is made up of memories make them good ones"

 

Sock83

21 y.o male

[crash&burn]

Hey everyone

 

I'm doing much better since my last post, I still think about her everyday and miss her heaps, but I'm not so depressed and I can see some of the positives to come out of this, but overall I'm still always thinking of how i'm going to win her back.

 

I saw her last Thursday night (she came over just to catch up) and the night was pretty cool. The first 5 minutes was a little weird, but once we went and got dinner, talked a bit, watched some of the olympics things felt as though we had never broken up. We didn't mention the breakup, or getting back together or any of that sorta stuff at all, just spoke like friends, which I think she appreciated. She helped me with some of my uni work and the mood was fun. This was reinforced by my room mates, as they came home just before she left.. they were a little confused.. and actually thought we had got back together as they felt a really good mood.

 

What do you guys make of her not giving me a hug when she arrived or when she was leaving? I actually had to say "oi, where's my hug" when she left. Maybe she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression? maybe she felt awkward?

 

I havn't spoken to her since then, but I've been thinking about asking her if she wants to go roller blading on Sunday.. I know she's going to see it as an attempt to show her that we can do some fun stuff.. but hey.. who cares, if I keep doing things, she'll have to eventually forget about me trying to win her back and focus on how much fun we're having.

 

On the other hand.. I've been going out a fair bit, obviously meeting new people, inparticular other women.. I don't really know how i'm feeling about this.. I've made out with 2 different girls.. felt a bit funny about it, I have to say that it wasn't easy for me, it got to the point where these girls were making the moves on me, because I just felt as though I couldn't bring myself to make out with them. So yeah I've kissed some random women out.. Didn't really feel anything for them, they were both physcially attractive and we were having a fun time... but if I compare them to my ex.. I just don't feel the spark.. but who knows.. maybe I'm just hung up on my ex and not giving them a real opportunity. I don't know what to think.. or do.. Plus theres this other girl I met at uni.. When i first saw her I felt like I had to meet, her.. So i spoke to her, she was pretty cool.. We've arranged to catch up when we're both out on the weekend..

 

So i'm not really sure what I should do.. when i'm at my most positive I think that it would be cool to experience other women and muck around a bit..thinkin that my ex won't find someone better than me and we can get back together maybe at the end of the year/start of next year, when she finished uni, starts her new job, etc. But at my negative times - I feel as though I don't want anyone but her, that i'm going to lose her and its only a matter of time before she meets someone else who reignites that feeling you get when you first start dating..

 

WHAM! THINGS SUCK NOW - JUST SPOKE TO HER

 

Ironically I just spoke to her on msn messenger while in the middle of typing this.. and once again.. didn't bring anything up about us, just talked bullsh**.. I've decided its not helping me.. Its just keeping me hanging.

 

This is her -

 

Spending lots of time on her own, reading books, studying, going to the gym, working almost twice the amount of hours she normally does. She's stopped going out and drinking. She is definitely not looking to meet anyone else. When we first broke up she told me, she needs time to figure things out, she doesn't know what is wrong, but cannot stay together feeling this way, she just wants to be happy. She finishes her degree at the end of this year, shes a little stressed about it. She's got pretty much the best job that she can get in her field of study lined up for next year (she found out that she got the job about 3 weeks after we broke up, which was also stressing her out). When she takes this job, she'll have to move about an hour away, where she doesn't know anyone. She says she loves me and that she couldn't ask me to change as I treated her like a princess. She says that the relationship got stale, we had gotten comfortable and boring.

 

Now when I see her, we don't bring the relationship up.. why? Apparantly it will ruin my chances of reconciliaiton. All I want to do is sit her down, tell her that i've given her 6 weeks, I want to know if anything has changed, if she knows what it is that she wants, whether its with me or not. I want to tell her that i'd move with her next year and that I really think that we can fix things so that the relaitonship is back to fun again. Afterall she might think that I'm not prepared to move with her, so whats the point of trying to salvage the relationship.

 

As I read over what i've just typed, I realise that everything that has been said up until now tells me not to do this.. But shouldn't she know by now whether we can work things out, whether she wants to? I'm getting no closure by continuing on like this. What I really need is for someone out there to tell me why doing what I want to do won't work in our situation. I really need some advice before I go and ruin things. We're catching up next week, like i said I thought i'd take her roller blading.. which probably looks like a desperate attempt to show her that i've changed and things are now fun.

 

WHATS YOUR ADVICE? should I just go with my gut feeling? Or does this really need to be achieved with the head?

 

Thanks

[sock83]

hey all,

Crash and burn your gut feeling is always the best way to go but dont let your 'ego' get in the way of it. With this i mean being one sided in what you want, makle it clear to her that you still care for her that you are there for her always.

What happenend for me last week and ill tell you more about it soon is that i said to her (when the topic of us came up) is; "i dont expect any thing, i came here to see you expecting nothing and if something happens it happens".

That let her know that i'm not (even though i am) trying to get her back and im just seeing if things will work out on thier own.

 

Since i last wrote on this post i have seen my ex 3 times, the first time i said to myself before i went there that im no going to try to make any moves, lets see what happens, i said to my self that if i go see her with no expectations anything that's goood that comes out of it will be positive, if i had went there expection affection and i didnt get any well i would walk away dissapointed.

I went round to her house saw her and because there was no pressure on my behalf it was all good i spent all day at her house just doing normal things together and it was awesome no pressure, that night she invited me round to watch a movie again no physical affection but it was cool and we had a good time, at the end of the night she asked me where i was staying, i said whereever probly at home she said you can stay here (at her place) if you want i said nah it's ok i'll go home and left it at that, oh by the way i did get a hug off her and i'll tell something you dont hug friends the way we hugged!

 

We spoke on the phone 3 times during the week and she seemed a bit cold with me(fine i'm not letting that get to me , one thing the power of two people seeing each other is far better that a ****ing phone call 'so emotionless') Any way we arranged to catch up again, we went shopping together you know brought some clothes and stuff we were having an awesome time when we were having lunch she said do you wanna catch up tonight after she had worked i said cool do you want to go out for dinner! Yes,,, all good we went out for dinner when i was driving to the resturant i grabbed her hand she grabbed it back, we had dinner chatted about the normal stuff, one thing though on the table was a vase with a single flower in it, i made sure that before we left (without her seeing of course) that i grabbed that flower, in the car i gave her the flower she was so happy.

We went back to her place and i stayed the night she fell asleep in my arms no kissing but alot of hugging on her behalf.

 

We saw each other again the next day all was good and i left, now because i work away 5 days a week i wont get to see her for that time but she called last night and we spoke for about half an hour, she is comming up to stay with me for a week in 4 weeks time and i'm going to see her again this week.

 

So well i think that things are slowly but surley getting better, taking one step at time is the best way, dont look or make her feel that you are desperate, treat her like the princess she is and and something will happen, unless you cheat on someone the no contact rule is ****.

 

Im not getting my hopes up too much but i can tell you that i feel a heap better in myself and i'm still in the game it's only a matter of time, unless she has a serious change of heart i think we are going to work things out.

 

Update you guys soon.

good luck we are all hoping

sock83

[crash&burn]

Hey Sock

 

That it awesome news about you and your relationship, I'm really happy for you, and it gives me some hope also.

 

I ended up spilling my guts to my ex last weekend..I told her everything I was thinking and that after breaking up I could see why things went wrong and that I know where we can make improvements.. She didn't know what to say really.. all she said that she was content on being on her own at the moment. I told her that I would have moved in with her and that I think this would have fixed the problem of her not being able to live her own life properly, instead of always being at my house (i.e. she couldn't go to the gym, read when she wanted, have her own things with her). This shocked her, she said that I always acted like that was the last thing I wanted.. I said I had changed. We spoke for a few hours at the beach, had lunch and I left.. again no hug or kiss..

 

There was no sign that she wanted to get back together and she said it would be very optimistic for it to happen at the moment. However, I still could feel that she enjoyed my company and that under her shell she still loves me. The thing that angers me is, how she keeps saying that "if we're meant to be together, things will work out in the end".. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! You can't live your life thinking that way.. It's BULLSH**T..Sometimes you need to fight for things I reckon.. Anyway, we sorta ended the conversation with her saying that I was being unfair on myself thinking that we would get back together at this stage, she also said that I should think about whether I can be just friends or whether I needed time out from her.

 

I havn't spoken to her since then.. Its killing me.. I guess deep down I'm hoping that she'll end up missing me and call soon.. or even just wonder how i'm doing.. I'm thinking of trying to do this for atleast another week and if she hasn't contacted me by then, then i'll contact her.. and do what you have done - seeing her with no expectations, just seeing how things pan out..

 

So thats pretty much where I am at this stage.. Lastely I've been feeling a little worse for some reason.. maybe because I know i'm at a crucial stage where I have to make a decision that will change the outcome of things.. I don't know..

 

Well mate keep me updated and I hope things work out for you two..

 

By the way, how long have you two been broken up for?

[sock83]

Hey mate,

Firstly my ex and i have been split for 7 weeks now, she called me last night again 2 nights in a row!

 

Now when you said that you spilled the beans to her i can tell you that is a good thing but you cant do it anymore ok, instead of telling her how things could be, from now on show her. With this i mean she knows now exactly how you feel im sure of it now lets go forward.

When she sais that if we are meant to be we will be (and my ex has told me this twice too) what i think they mean (and i could be wrong) Is that yeah i still like you and i want you to be there just incase the grass is not that green on the other side!

Now when she said to you we can go forward as freinds or have timeout, she's only saying this because she can see how much you are hurting, dont show her that anymore, it's kinda like a cop out to lift the guilt off her shoulders so she can kinda live with herself knowing that she is hurting you.

 

What i did and again as i have said all along you dont have to take my advice because i could be all wrong! but it seems to be working for me at the momement.

What i did is try to remember what it was like when i first met her and put that person into action. When i first met my ex we dated for a couple of weeks and when you are dating someone you dont try and touch them too much, you dont try and kiss them until the timing is right, you go out and do heaps of fun stuff together and you never ever say that you love them until later on down the track when you are confident enough that they feel the same way and you will get the same response.

 

So put that person into action it's like you are learning all about this person all over again even though you know them inside and out but do you..... if you did well you wouldnt be going through what you are going through now.

 

Give it a little bit of time and then send her an sms or email or something saying something along the lines "hey how are ya? what have you been up too? if your not busy this Tuesday (or whatever) night do you wanna catch up?" then take her bowling or roller blading, mini golf anything but sitting around the house doing nothing because conversation will just lead to the situation.

 

Having fun and laughing together is the key, what has happenend with you guys in the past should stay there lets go forward and try for something new between you, if you try and get back the relationship you had wouldnt it fail again because... well it did, make it better and just be yourself.

 

Look i dont know if the way i do things is right, who knows, and of course every situation is different but i am starting to get results, My dad said to me the other night "why dont you just give up and cut your losses" and i said "until the day she sais look i dont see us getting back together ever" thats when i'll give up, but there is two ways you can fight to get them back

1.the emotional "i love you " way or...

2the lets take it slow and see what happens way.

 

It's up too you....

 

Look things could turn out bad for me i dont know yet but it seems to be going ok for me at the momeent, i can only stuff it up myself.

N/C or minimal contact is good for the first couple of weeks but do what you want and go with your gut.

 

i'll keep you updated.

 

P.s if you are feeling wrose it's only because she unloaded her guilt onto you so lets turn it around. No expectations then get the positives from that.

 

sock83

[head/heels]

ok here is the rundown...4 years-head over heels in love for me until end, her not the last 4-6 months but kept trying to love me b/c she knew i was her greek god and she was my angel..she couldnt believe it was happening but she was falling out of love...I see now, even though she never told me or show it, that she was unhappy with me because i began to neglect her...I never realized it ...until now....She said she wouldnt change anything and that i spoiled her rotten...She told me 4 days before i left for med school about 2 hours away...she is back at our old university finishing up her degree...we had planned on marrying after my first two years and moving to indy together after our school was over..she really was needy and that didnt stop even at the end...She told her mom that she will probably not find another who will love me as deeply as i did.. and that she might be making the biggest mistake of her life...i asked why she didnt tell me what i was/wasnt doing for her and if why she didnt try to make it work by doing that....she said that she didnt want to make it work and that she wasnt happy...For 3 years + she said she would love me til the oceans dried up, now we havent spoke in 2 weeks and we wont if it is up to her i believe.. I let her see i was devastated the first 2 weeks with a phone call here or there and an email...She had problems with the fact that i didnt work a real job the year between school- but i sold clothes on ebay and saved up 7000 for the ring i put down $ on- i was going to propose on our anniversary sept 30 2004 (4 years).. she knows this now but hasnt replied since receiving this message...3 days before this i pushed her for answers on the phone and the next day i (ashamedly) left a mean message on her phone... I left 2 apologies and one in my proposal email....hope she forgives me for that.. she knows i love her , she knows i would die for her, she knows that i treated her like a princess...but it got too comfortable and there was no real communication....i looked at her when she talked but i didnt HEAR what she was saying...I have 10 pages of things i need to change and want to for me, just wish we were more experienced and saw this at the beginning...now i lost the love of my life...she really is a great girl, christian honest, gorgeous fun and sexy to the 10th degree..kicking myself that i forgot how i treated her for first 3 years...got complacent.. Now she is 150 miles away and not going to accept my phone calls i assume....wish i just tried to be friends with her...now i am stuck waiting for something that may never happen....please help!

[prevch]

man a bunch of us dudes are going through the same thing on here. You know what? I think it is that time of the season. Girls break up with their guys go see what else is out there for 5 or 6 months get bored then come back (fairly often).

no contact best route to go in my opinion until they contact you. I tried the begging and pleading and that never works

 

anyways we are all tough we can make it through this!

[jamwinswim]

Gentlemen.....

 

Its pretty amazing to see how everyone is in the same boat. Although I feel jealous with Sock, I mean at least he's almost back in the game, Its also opened my eyes a little more. My Ex decided she needed a break, and to find herself, and we talk, and hug and are close - So I know I have chances, but I shouldn't chase her (which for some reason seems like the only way to do things). My situation is almost identical to Crash&Burn's, and I do still think "what did I do wrong/what could I have done better?". But now after reading this post (my post is in breaking up, breaking up forum under Stuck in America), Sock is beginning to show me the light - find the person I fell in love with and treat her like the princess she is. I know those feelings are there, and Rome wasn't built in a night. Take it slow, just like the start of a relationship, and show her how amazing you are. She may already know, but remind her.

 

Crash - Dont chase her buddy.... Im trying to follow my own advice too, but try not to. She now knows everything, just try and take the Sock route. Give a little NC time (which is always an eternity compared to the past), and see what happens. Meant to be Stuff is a crock of ****, us guys hurt too, we all now just need to prove we are GREAT! No one said it would be easy, but if you love her, this is the way to fight for her. Dont chase her, thats not the way to fight. I feel the same, i'll give up when there is no chance, but just try to have fun with her. And keep doing it over and over and over. Eventually it'll work or you'll realise "hold up, I dont really want you". Chin up mate, WE WILL ALL SURVIVE!

[sock83]

Hey all,

well it's been over week since my last post and things seem to be getting better and better for me, I went home and stayed at my ex's place for the weekend, we were hugging holding hands and i even got a couple of kisses off her...........stoked well yes but going there with no expectations was the key for me becaause i didnt have any so i gained all the positives from the situattion.

 

Now saying this i must say that what works for me may not work for you because everyones situation is different yet so similar, but what have you got to loose, if you listen to everyone else they will say stuff like "let it go" or "move on" and give them N/C and **** like that..... do what you feel is right but remember do it the right way.

 

Because i work away on contract i only get to go home on weekends but i only have three weeks left then ill be home for good, my ex rang me three times this week and one more thing before she went to bed each night she sent me a sms saying goodnight and a big kiss. Well to me "friends" dont do that i have never done that to a friend so i think it's going in the right direction also she is comming to stay with me for a week for my last week away.

 

Anyway enough of me, i can see that you guys are looking for a lot of ansewers and want them now, i can tell you that time is your worst enemy and your best friend with this i mean that you hurt all the time you want them back in your arms and all thst stuff so a day feels like a year i know but time also alows you and him/her see things more clearly look it that way.

 

Now if you get fustrated with anything that usally leads to anger and irrational thinking so if you hear something you dont like or see a certain thing that upsets you take a deep breath and let it go behind you ...please dont react espically to him/her or anyone that you think will talk to him/her because it will scare them... trust me you dont want to freak them out, be strong.

 

look i dont have all the ansewers and things could still go sour for me but i have learnt that there are good ways to go about things and bad ways, employ the good ways, if you look at my other posts you will see that the methods of thinking and doing things have got me gradual results, hey i'm learning too but one thing is for sure you wont get anywhere with anger, frustration or emotional blackmail.

 

So please do this: be their freind, hide your emotions and take things slow, it's the only way if there is a way of getting them back.

As i said before things could all go sour for me and i am preparing my self for that, but at least i'm giving it a crack and going with my gut, some times you just have to say to yourself **** what everyone else thinks i'm doing this for me.

Anyway i have learnt so much about myself and my ex in this time so at least ill be stronger.

 

hope that i have helped in some way and that my situation gives you a light.

stay cool and good luck

 

Remember dont expect anything and get positives from that!

 

update you soon

sock83

[prevch]

thanks sock keep us updated!

[emra]

I hope all of you are doing well.

My comments to this are. I believe very much crash&burn that this woman loves you with all she can. Right now, you 2 have a lot going on and figuring out the future can be very scary.

I don't care when everyone says you shouldn't have let things get boring, we all go thru stages of our life where things can be a little boring. I think what your Ex needs right now is a friend. A friend more then a lover. Does that make since. She has a lot of things going on.

I think it is good that you don't mention the breakup and things like that, or getting back together. She needs you to be a friend and if you bring those things up more then likely it will push her away. What you don't want.

What it means is for the time being, you have to let go.. You do not have to let go of the hope of you guys getting back together, just let her go to the point where you two can become really good friends. In that, if it works, she will see that you can work on things and she can TRUST you and you saying hey I am willing to work on things.

You can not stop living your life. You need to make sure you are happy.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You may not know what the reason is right now, but sooner or later you will. And you take that with you thru out your whole life.

I do agree with her telling you if it is meant to be it will happen. It may take time, sometimes a long time to figure it out or bring two people together again. When will it happen , when the timing is right for both of you. IT can't just be one of you.

[prevch]

agreed. timing is everything haha. I am doing NC for now. It will be like 6 weeks or so when I am going to talk to her again unless she contacts me first. She has a new boyfriend and it sucks but once I am done getting myself together, which I am for the most part, I can honestly be her friend with bugging her about the break up. If you love someone truly you do what is best for them even if they did wrong you big time! Everything will work out if you focus on a goal and pursue it appropriately. Just remember this "in life, if you shoot for nothing that is exactly what you'll hit, nothing, but if you have a goal, shoot for it with all you have, you will hit it every single time"

[crash&burn]

Hello

 

First up, thanks everyone for talking here, its really helpful. I don't know where i'd be without it.

 

I've been reading every post and taking it all in. Everyone seems to be right in their own way. Its good to hea socks updates, I guess it gives all of us a glimmer of hope. it's also comforting to know that there are other people going through exactly the same thing, without any real answers.

 

I havn't seen or spoken to my ex for 2 weeks now. It has been one of the hardest things i've had to do. I don't really feel better for it, or feel as though its helped the relationship. The only time I really feel positive is when i'm talking with people about it, everyone seems to have some good advice. I don't know where I stand yet on the 'things happen for a reason' but I hope that whatever is happening will make me happy and soon.

 

I seem to be taking the NC as a personal challenge, seeing how long I can go on with it... Theres a lot of time when I just want to call her, but I think to myself 'what will it accomplish?', so I don't. I know that she won't contact me, because she told me to call her when I was ready... but everytime my phone rings or I get a message, i'm desperately hoping its her.. but it never is.

 

I'm not too sure on what i'm going to do, I know that i'll have to call her eventually to have any chance of working things out, i'm so afraid that someone else might be in the picture, or she's decided that we will never work things out. I'm extremely busy with uni until the end of next week, so i'm thinking of not contacting her until then... from there I don't know what.. I know I can only give her my friendship, i'm hoping I can deal with it and hoping that its the right decision.

 

I don't know what else to say, things are hard at the moment and my feelings for her if anything seem to be getting stronger. I guess everyone else is probably feeling the same, like you're comparing everyone else you meet to your ex and finding that no one measures up. It's very disheartening.

 

Anyway, I'll keep you all updated, I hope everyone else does the same. Good luck!

[head/heels]

Thanks for the advice sock you rock...why did she part with you (or did i miss it ) Please read my problem above and any advice from such a strong person would be great...thanks to all who are here. we seem to be keeping each other in better spirits! I think giving it some time and space will allow them to see what they are missing and give us a chance for some personal growth and change. I have wrote down a list of things i want to change to better myself and be that much better if she comes back...if not i will only benefit and it will be the next womans gain and her loss..plus i will be better in everyway...And I bought MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS>.this book is great dont laugh....it has made me view women much much differently...i only wish that both she and i had read it during our relationship...i really wish she would read it now because i think she might see the light as i did....Cant make her read it though so i hope she does some personal reflection as i have during this time...do you think they are thinking of us when they go to bed or are they trying so hard to move on that we get pushed away each time...I hope absence makes heart grow fonder and not to let our memories slip away inside her...I bet we all have these questions...

bye all thanks for being here for me

d

[head/heels]

I am in MED SCHOOl so it is already hard as it is my first year...she broke up with me 4 days before i left...I can just hope NC works for me so she can see what she needs to see...meanwhile i am bettering myself...my situation is on page 1 above and here is my follow up (i am desperate) thanks.

i have very confident days and really really unconfident days! I am a roller coaster and becasue she was my first everything i cant let it go...it has been 29 days of which 27 i have shed some sort of tears (from boisterous baby cryings to gentle trickles down my cheek) Neither of us would ever cheat on each other (her because her HS boyfriend cheated often on her and she kept taking him back because of low self esteem {even though she was the prom queen and gorgeous} and she knows how bad she felt) and i because i never have and never will out of morals and the whole bit about not wanting it done to me....anyhow she said that she had been checking out other guys more often and when she was home (she doesnt have the best crowd of friends there) she was hit on by a HS friend and she flirted back and i guess there was an excitement there that our relationship lacked after 4 years...so she said that since we had the pact to tell each other if anything ever happened like that , she did and 2 days after break up i asked if she was talking to this guy still and she did the kinda sorta motion (he is 200 miles away and she doesnt go home often but she goes to college where 16,000 boys are and (18,000 girls). I then asked if they were going to start a relationship (since she initially told me she needed time and space) and she gave off an emphatic no...about 2 weeks later i mentioned that i didnt want her to do anything that jeopardized us getting back together in the future and she said she knew that and she felt the same about me...later that week i pushed her for answers and said that i was ready to move on (not true) and that since she is already talking with someone that i had to go on too.... she laughed and said if Michelle (her roomate) is someone than she is talking to someone. I think she wont get into a relationship (7 straight years me 4 old boyf 3) but just when she isnt thinking of a new relationship, is when it happens (it did with me and her anyway). So now i am thinking that because of the bad message, her lack of cohones to follow through with her gut, and the fact that she went through so much to break up with me, i dont see her calling me (unless to get my stuff) plus i can only see her (if she would want to that is) on thanksgiving christmas break ~ 1 month long, spring break and summer break... on top of that my first two years of school will really be hard book work and year 3 and 4 will be light with my clinical hospital rotation (long hours but less books). I really need an independent woman who understands my profession is very demanding, but i would throw it all away and become a stockbroker or something else for my relationship. that is my first dream-a great woman and family and then my career a far off second. Anyhow sorry to wear your ear out but just got done with my first 2 exams of 3 and need to get this stuff off my brain to study for next one... I dont see her calling me before i plan to call her on Tgiving break...i will be back home then and will be near her....it is 2.5 hour drive now...I think that since i assumed she understood why i came to school here (instead of where she is- i didnt think i would study with the option of going and hanging out with her available...but she said i have alot of studying in nursing to do and we could do it together..i basically in hindsight blew off that idea immediately by saying we would just cuddle and watch movies or be sidetracked..i thought our relationship would make it easily over the next 2 years...i think i hurt her by not letting her have her say and by moving away i think she might have been really upset but didnt tell me) I can move back at 1/2 semester (jan 2005) or over the summer for next fall (sept 2005) but if this isnt the reason or it just is the tip of the iceberg and she wants to move on then i would just open up old wounds.. But i would hate to look back and think that we could have started a friendship all over again( me not pressing her for answes and just asking her to go out to eat or play tennis etc [like we did at first and show her that guy that won her over and how i have made huge changes]) that would have led to us being back together in a fresh new 2nd start relationship {i would make sure that new changes would occur-ie. not basically living together and having separate lives outside of our little universe we built for ourselves...What to do???? i guess just see when the time comes..?

thanks in advance to all who read and/or did or didnt reply...

good luck to all of you too

i will start praying for you all immediately

 

thanks all

[Somewhere]

There has been this most amazing fellow in my life. From the moment we met, there was an amzaing feeling between us. I remember he telling me this and yes it is true. Till this very day, minute. I am attracted like no other to him and this baffles me! and yearning for his constant touch. Even if we are in the car, at home, I need to feel him. Lo and behold, as time went on we had to endure mix-ups major break-downs, and it did indeed effect us. But we regrouped, and our love never wavered. As I matured and life's way, I started to look at him more seriously and realized how deeply I feel for him and do. We always are reaching out for one another. He is my magnet...How do I explain this to him? He is the most unbelievable, kind and loving man I have ever encountered . I feel his touch when we make love. Regardless how I may feel, uptight, lost, upset, he brings me slowly and lovingly to a harmonizing level and we connect... I miss him and adore him and I have never nor will I ever be as in love as I am with him. He is strong. [i love his back and cling to this side!] His neck I miss and recall our kisses and would willingly open myself to explore each other more. With him yes! Our passion does become quite expressionable!, but that only shows me we fear not each other and the truth is heartfelt to the core of our very souls.

 

I dream a dream that I can see him one last time before this trip he proposed would be ideal.

 

In my heart of all hearts, I wouldn't miss it for the world!!! If only he would ask me?! The answer will conclude with the question! Ah, I'm waiting. Gotta go now. That all.