Best friend in love with me

[Lexa]

Hi all,

 

I posted this in the friendship forum but didn't get many responses, it falls into this category as well.

 

I have a complicated relationship with my best friend, he's a guy and I'm a girl. We haven't seen each other physically in years but have remained as close as ever.

 

I was never okay with the friendship because I feel "too" comfortable, like he brings out the worst in me. But then again, I have no one else that even compares to how well we relate to each other. We always say our relationship defies definition, that we are basically "soulmates."

 

I'm not attracted to him, though I drunkenly hooked up with him one time (third base). I don't think he's unattractive per se, and it would be perfect if I were attracted to him, but I don't think it will ever happen if it never did. Maybe my desire to end the friendship, or even the fact that I'm not attracted to him, denotes a lack of self-acceptance on my part, I don't know.

 

He doesn't outright say he is in love with me, but he thinks about me all the time and once dated someone for 9 months to try to forget me. His latest girlfriend was extremely jealous of the 'concept' of me even without me being there. She found our facebook messages and considered it as "cheating," he complained about her to me a lot. He always alluded to wishing she were more like me.

 

I always think it would be best if we went our separate ways, and I've tried to end the friendship but always end up craving the support, the laughter, the understanding.

 

I don't know what to do with the situation.. the best case scenario would be to remain friends but keep it at a distance, but time and time again I've seen that neither of us can do that.

 

It's such an intense, joyful friendship that we spend hours on the phone together... I feel like this interferes with my other relationships and my life in general. And obviously his, in a much more drastic and direct way.

 

I feel like my only option is to completely cut him off with no explanation.

 

We've gone through this before, and he either talks me out of it or gets really upset. Yet I'm the one who usually re-initiates contact for one reason or another after a few months. What should I do?

[betterdeal]

What is it about him that you find unattractive?

[Lexa]

I think it's the fact that we're so close, like siblings. Cliche, I know

[Lexa]

Anyone? He wrote a song that was inspired by our friendship, sent me the lyrics and is going to send me a demo of it.. Also we live almost 200 miles from each other but he keeps saying we should see each other. Does this sound unhealthy?

 

I was thinking that if it sounds like the right thing to do, I'm just going to cut him off New Year's without telling him.

 

This is what someone on the friendship forum said:

 

"I think your best bet is to cut it off completely and don't look back. He's probably hurt that you don't want him. No matter what, as long as you are in his life, he will try and change your heart. Speaking from personal experience, I am a guy, I fell for a best friend of mine, it was mutual, and I fell hard. Now i'm at a point to where I have cut all contact with her, because I don't want to hurt myself over her. So with that being said, you have to draw the line if he isn't strong enough to."

[betterdeal]

It sounds to me like you have made your mind up. Try to be graceful and decent, and it may work out better than expected. There's no shame in wanting a bit more space, or wanting to draw a line. Good luck.

[Tommy007]

marry him.

[soccerrprp]

Lexa,

 

Read my situation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/364065-told-best-friend-i-like-her

 

If you can't have a mature, with boundaries, relationship, it may be best to end it.

 

Good luck.

[Eddie Edirol]

End the friendship. Otherwise he will be chasing you even when you are dating guys. Learn to relate to other people so HE can move on, and dont be so selfish looking for him when you get lonely. YOu have this guy chasing after you just because you cant make new friends. Cut him off, do some work and get a new boyfriend that you CAN relate to, and let him be forced to do the same.

[NoMagicBullet]

I was never okay with the friendship because I feel "too" comfortable, like he brings out the worst in me. But then again, I have no one else that even compares to how well we relate to each other. We always say our relationship defies definition, that we are basically "soulmates."

 

I'm going to sound really cynical here, but when I hear "defies definition", I think "no or poor boundaries". From what you've described, it sounds like there may have always been some degree of him being romantically attracted to you, hence he acts in ways to reduce the boundaries platonic friends would have but a romantically involved couple would normally not have. Emotional intimacy is part of a meaningful friendship, but his romantic feelings (which you can't reciprocate) complicate things.

 

I feel like this interferes with my other relationships and my life in general. And obviously his, in a much more drastic and direct way.

 

This is reason enough to end it.

 

 

I feel like my only option is to completely cut him off with no explanation.

 

We've gone through this before, and he either talks me out of it or gets really upset. Yet I'm the one who usually re-initiates contact for one reason or another after a few months. What should I do?

 

Like it or not, it looks like you have to be the bad guy (again). It's probably a good thing you've decided to end it -- it seems that between the two of you, the necessary boundaries were either never in place or consistently enforced. It's not your fault he wants more than friendship, but if you're going to cut contact with him, you've got to stick with NC this time.

 

Because you two have been so close for so long, I would not recommend saying nothing before going NC (although I undertsand your reasons for wanting to do it this way). Personally, I think a very brief message making the point you made here -- it interferes with both of your lives -- and wishing him well would be in order. But immediately after sending it, you have to block, delete, ignore, etc. Don't read his responses. Delete from Facebook, delete phone numbers, whatever you've got to do. When you start craving support and understanding, reach out to someone else: another friend, a family member, a counselor. Or force yourself to get through those moments by yourself -- be your own best friend, and rediscover your one true "soulmate": you. Try to break those patterns in both thought and habit that would lead you to breaking NC.

 

I wish you and your friend the best as you go your separate ways.

[Lexa]

NoMagicBullet, I think you hit the nail on the head and I thank you for it. You seem to have insight into this, can you maybe elaborate a little bit more? Any other advice on how to do this and really stick to NC? How to have healthy boundaries? I'm in a new city so that's a factor in my favor.

[NoMagicBullet]

I'm glad my comment helped. When I first read your post, it got me thinking about a similar incident in my own life -- I had a crush on a guy who only wanted to be friends -- and why we were actually able to be friends.

 

My story: Years ago during college, I actually confessed to this guy friend I was in love with him. Yeaaaaah... He took it well, and was very nice about it. And after that, we were able to be friends (not best friends, but still friends) for what I think was the biggest reason: I accepted that he wasn't interested and never tried to cross the friend boundary. I kept an appropriate space between us, and that in turn gave my friend space to be friend. I eventually got over the silly crush, but looking back on it and how well he handled it, I have to say he was the kind of person worthy of having a crush on. (Not true of many other guys I would later be infatuated with.)

 

In your situation, your friend keeps crossing the line with the song writing, saying how he wishes his girlfriend was like you, etc. He is does not really accept the situation, and he seems to still be holding out hope that one day things will change between you two.

 

Now, I don't know the whole situation, but I gather that at the very least, you have not been shutting him down when he does this stuff -- e.g. telling him "That's something you should be doing for your girlfriend, not me," or "It makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that". When an opposite-sex friend starts doing stuff like that, that's a sign to back off an be more sparing with sharing your time, thoughts, feelings, etc.

 

From the earlier part of your post, about being "soulmates" and such, I suspect you may have willingly overshared parts of your self with him under the auspices of him being your best friend. In reality, there are always limits to what we share about ourselves with others based on the type of relationship (if we have good boundaries): only so much with acquaintances, certain things with friends, certain things with family, and certain things we'd tell the people we're closest with, which could be a best friend or a lover/partner/spouse. And there is always stuff that is ours and ours alone, that we share with no one.

 

But there still has to be a difference between what you share with a best friend versus what you share with a partner. Just look at any of the threads here on LS regarding problems with friends and partners/spouses, especially opposite sex friends -- in almost every case, one person has been sharing things (emotions, time, resources, whatever) with a friend that should be reserved for the partner. I think in a lot of these cases, the oversharing starts when the friends don't have partners, thinking "it's okay, we're just friends", then problems start when the partner comes into the picture and rightly feels that some of that sharing should only be for them. A lot of those problems would never have happened if the friends had shared more appropriately from the start and both adjusted their expectations accordingly -- in other words, the partner comes before the friend -- when the relationship began. (I'm not talking control freak partners here, which is a different issue. But I digress...)

 

Your situation is a bit different, but do you think, perhaps, that your friendship started out this way? Maybe you shared a lot of your innermost self with him that would have been better saved for a man you were romatically involved with? Note that I said "involved" and not "attracted to", because whether it's the progression of a friendship or a romantic relationship, there is also a certain amount of information you disclose as the relationship moves along -- and it's quite an art to balance how much to share and when. As you meet new people in your new city, I suggest giving a lot of thought to how much you share or get involved with a new person as it relates to what role you see them playing in your life. Anyway...

 

What you are stuck with now is doing what he cannot or will not -- you must enforce the boundaries. I don't think his feelings will change, nor will he stop trying to cross whatever boundaries you'd try to set up at this point, so I think going no contact is still a good idea. To maintain NC... when you feel that need to reach out try the following:

 

1) Question -- really question -- your motives for wanting to. How are you feeling at the time? What do you expect to acheive with contact? What has history shown you is the most likely outcome? Don't accept your own BS responses (the better you get to know yourself, the better you can detect your own BS, and that's a good thing! ), no matter how good your excuse sounds.

 

2) Create an imaginary friend you can turn to to talk about anything. It's sounds ridiculous, and it will feel really, really stupid at first if you've never done it, but it can help. It's helped me sort through different issues at different times in my life. It's not crazy as long as you remember you're talking to yourself. It's weird, too, but for me, imaginary friends are one way I've found greater love for and acceptance of myself, knowing that it was really just part of me giving me the love/acceptance/support I needed at the moment. (I suppose other people can do it more directly, but I have a hyperactive imagination.) May not be your cup o' tea, but it's another idea. Kind of goes with my idea of finding your soulmate in yourself -- after all, you are the person you will spend your whole life with.

 

3) Turn to another friend or family member, even if not to discuss what you would with your former male friend -- just make some sort of contact with other people if you feel a need to contact him. Go to movie with an acquaintance, be nice to a random stranger... there are lots of good people out there you can share that time with instead of frustratingly rehashing old ground with the former friend.

 

4) When he contacts you, ignore, ignore, ignore. Delete, block, etc. Do not even read texts or e-mails; it will only give you doubts &/or guilt. Do not respond to anything. Snail mail should be returned to sender. If you have any mutual friends or acquaintances who try to interecede to bring you back together, be clear with them that you have good reasons for not continuing the friendship, that it's for the best, and any further meddling will jeopardize their own friendship with you.

 

Geez, I have gone on and on... fortunately I can't think of anything else right now!