Absurd story

[SteveJ13]

Ok, so where do I start? I live in the US and have been dating a girl from Australia for the last 2.5 years, living together 1.5. I'm 33, she's 31. We have had a lot of conflict since we moved in and have been in therapy. We "graduated" therapy but neither of us really made significant changes. She is charming, smart and beautiful, but also self-centered, harsh, sometimes cruel and hyper sensitive. She begged me for kindness, but often didn't return the favor.

 

About 7 weeks ago she got a temporary restraining order against me and had me evicted from our apartment. I have never ever been abusive in any way, but we did argue and I did lose my temper several times, as did she. She made claims in the order that were completely false such as forcing her to have sex which I NEVER did. I would ask for it, but never force or get angry with her if she refused. We both hired lawyers and on friday she dropped the case because it had no merit. She wanted me to pay her legal bills, go to anger management class and apologize to her. I refused on all 3 and she dropped it. Why would she ask for the second two if she is done with me?

 

3 weeks before she kicked me out, we had been shopping for an engagement ring and she was pushing for it. I was unsure as we'd been having a lot of conflict and I felt like we needed some better stretches before we got married. She is not a US citizen.

 

She always felt like she needed more space, even though she traveled for work Monday through Thursday. She would flirt with anyone and always tell me when other guys would come onto her. She is an attention whore and it was difficult to deal with. She even went out to dinner while on trips with 2 other guys hoping to be "friends" with them. I told her that was not their intention and sure enough both guys confessed their feelings for her. I trusted her not to cheat, but her shameless flirting in front of me and away was difficult.

 

She has had several LTR's that she's always ended. She would still talk with her last ex while we were together. She would openly talk about her cut and run behavior in the past. She has an extreme personality and is very independent. She idolized me in the beginning and was very much in love. As time passed she seemed to become more difficult and distant. When we traveled we did great, but at home we struggled. Or should I say, she struggled. She needs constant attention and activity, I am not like this. We were a case of opposites attract.

 

I still love her, but am very angry for her abrupt and harsh departure. This is not how you end a LTR. The night before she got the order, she wanted to go to our favorite restaurant. We had a nice evening and then she wanted to have sex before bed which we did. The next day I come home and she's waiting with 2 cops and a moving van for my stuff. I have been NC since as I had no choice because of the temporary restraining order.

 

A few months ago, she said that she wished we could start over and meet again online. I didn't think much of it, much like her cut and run comments. Would someone really do something so drastic like this as a means to test our relationship? How could I ever trust her again? My family has disowned her and my friends are almost as mad.

 

I want to talk to her to at least get some closure, but I'm not sure that is even possible. What could she say? I do believe in forgiveness, but this one is tough. Also, she may have no interest in talking or reconciling, but given her history, I'd be surprised if I never heard from her again. I need to either be strong and stay NC, or open the door to communication. Am I crazy for doing anything other than moving on? I have been going on dates with other girls and it's been good, haven't had sex with anyone though. Thanks for any advice, even if it's telling me how stupid I am.

[skylark100]

Ok, so where do I start? I live in the US and have been dating a girl from Australia for the last 2.5 years, living together 1.5. I'm 33, she's 31. We have had a lot of conflict since we moved in and have been in therapy. We "graduated" therapy but neither of us really made significant changes. She is charming, smart and beautiful, but also self-centered, harsh, sometimes cruel and hyper sensitive. She begged me for kindness, but often didn't return the favor.

 

About 7 weeks ago she got a temporary restraining order against me and had me evicted from our apartment. I have never ever been abusive in any way, but we did argue and I did lose my temper several times, as did she. She made claims in the order that were completely false such as forcing her to have sex which I NEVER did. I would ask for it, but never force or get angry with her if she refused. We both hired lawyers and on friday she dropped the case because it had no merit. She wanted me to pay her legal bills, go to anger management class and apologize to her. I refused on all 3 and she dropped it. Why would she ask for the second two if she is done with me?

 

3 weeks before she kicked me out, we had been shopping for an engagement ring and she was pushing for it. I was unsure as we'd been having a lot of conflict and I felt like we needed some better stretches before we got married. She is not a US citizen.

 

She always felt like she needed more space, even though she traveled for work Monday through Thursday. She would flirt with anyone and always tell me when other guys would come onto her. She is an attention whore and it was difficult to deal with. She even went out to dinner while on trips with 2 other guys hoping to be "friends" with them. I told her that was not their intention and sure enough both guys confessed their feelings for her. I trusted her not to cheat, but her shameless flirting in front of me and away was difficult.

 

She has had several LTR's that she's always ended. She would still talk with her last ex while we were together. She would openly talk about her cut and run behavior in the past. She has an extreme personality and is very independent. She idolized me in the beginning and was very much in love. As time passed she seemed to become more difficult and distant. When we traveled we did great, but at home we struggled. Or should I say, she struggled. She needs constant attention and activity, I am not like this. We were a case of opposites attract.

 

I still love her, but am very angry for her abrupt and harsh departure. This is not how you end a LTR. The night before she got the order, she wanted to go to our favorite restaurant. We had a nice evening and then she wanted to have sex before bed which we did. The next day I come home and she's waiting with 2 cops and a moving van for my stuff. I have been NC since as I had no choice because of the temporary restraining order.

 

A few months ago, she said that she wished we could start over and meet again online. I didn't think much of it, much like her cut and run comments. Would someone really do something so drastic like this as a means to test our relationship? How could I ever trust her again? My family has disowned her and my friends are almost as mad.

 

I want to talk to her to at least get some closure, but I'm not sure that is even possible. What could she say? I do believe in forgiveness, but this one is tough. Also, she may have no interest in talking or reconciling, but given her history, I'd be surprised if I never heard from her again. I need to either be strong and stay NC, or open the door to communication. Am I crazy for doing anything other than moving on? I have been going on dates with other girls and it's been good, haven't had sex with anyone though. Thanks for any advice, even if it's telling me how stupid I am.

 

Firstly you're not stupid. You're thinking with your heart, and not your head. This girl is psycho and has serious issues. I may even go as far as having some type of bipolar disorder. STAY IN NC!

 

If what you say is completely accurate, and there is no bias, then what would you have to gain by marrying or even continuing a LTR with this person. Your family dislikes her, and your friends too! Thats a huge sign shes not for you!! You still need your family and friends, and she would likely drive a wedge between those relationships. She may well have only wanted a green card and then she would have found a way to cut you loose. She sounds nuts. I dated a similar girl, and she broke it off randomly and for no reason. Thank Goodness for me!

 

Sorry, but this whole story is so extreme and really strange. Realistically no one in a LTR would or should get a restraining order against you....for NO reason. Lawyers? Fees? Really? Very very few relationships need or have this happen. It's so out of the ordinary. I know it's the US, but still.

 

Your only 33, if you were able to attract a smart beautiful girl 3 years ago, the chances are really good you can do it again. Save yourself and your personal self esteem and never contact this woman again. If she contacts you, ignore it. I know their is a giant pull for you to try and smooth things out, but you're way better off single and dating than living a life of misery.

[NXS]

About 7 weeks ago she got a temporary restraining order against me and had me evicted from our apartment. I have never ever been abusive in any way, but we did argue and I did lose my temper several times, as did she. She made claims in the order that were completely false such as forcing her to have sex which I NEVER did. I would ask for it, but never force or get angry with her if she refused. We both hired lawyers and on friday she dropped the case because it had no merit. She wanted me to pay her legal bills, go to anger management class and apologize to her. I refused on all 3 and she dropped it. Why would she ask for the second two if she is done with me?

 

Thank your lucky stars that she revealed herself to you before you got engaged/married because you would be in real trouble if that happened. Seriously get as far away from this woman as possible and don't look back, she's dangerous.

[SteveJ13]

Firstly you're not stupid. You're thinking with your heart, and not your head. This girl is psycho and has serious issues. I may even go as far as having some type of bipolar disorder. STAY IN NC!

 

If what you say is completely accurate, and there is no bias, then what would you have to gain by marrying or even continuing a LTR with this person. Your family dislikes her, and your friends too! Thats a huge sign shes not for you!! You still need your family and friends, and she would likely drive a wedge between those relationships. She may well have only wanted a green card and then she would have found a way to cut you loose. She sounds nuts. I dated a similar girl, and she broke it off randomly and for no reason. Thank Goodness for me!

 

Sorry, but this whole story is so extreme and really strange. Realistically no one in a LTR would or should get a restraining order against you....for NO reason. Lawyers? Fees? Really? Very very few relationships need or have this happen. It's so out of the ordinary. I know it's the US, but still.

 

Your only 33, if you were able to attract a smart beautiful girl 3 years ago, the chances are really good you can do it again. Save yourself and your personal self esteem and never contact this woman again. If she contacts you, ignore it. I know their is a giant pull for you to try and smooth things out, but you're way better off single and dating than living a life of misery.

 

Thanks for the replies skylark and NXS. No doubt I'm thinking with my heart here, but I guess that's what happens when you fall in love, even with someone who is crazy/has problems. I always thought she was bi-polar, but now I think she has borderline personality disorder. Abrupt endings and false accusations are VERY common with BPD. Narcissistic personality disorder is also a possibility as she never felt like the rules applied to her. She shoplifted once with me and I scolded her for it, she never did it again while I was there. She was abused as a child and has a father who for sure has a personality disorder or three. I feel bad for her. Maybe with enough therapy she can become whole again, but my patience was already wearing thin and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I came from a very stable, loving family and always thought I could be her rock. Provide her with that stability she had always lacked..

 

My friends liked her before all this as she is very charming and always acted better outside the home. My family was never quite sold on her as they saw her in a more natural environment. They always thought it was an act, and I guess they were right. Maybe she did just want a green card, but that kills me to think about as I truly did love her. I feel so used and pathetic. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone similar, it's so heartbreaking. It's great you can see it as a good thing, I'm slowly getting there.

 

She didn't get the restraining order for no reason, she did it for the wrong reasons. She wanted our apartment and knew she could use the law to have me evicted. 70-80% of all restraining orders are fraudulent and used for stuff like this or as leverage in marriage/child cases. There is no punishment for someone doing this, so it's become an epidemic. She was willing to slander me for this purpose and of course when I use my head I see how horrible this is. It still doesn't seem like the girl I knew, but she did have a dark side lurking underneath. She even told me one time she was capable of the full range of human behavior from evil to good. I didn't know what to make of it at the time, but apparently she was dead serious.

 

I really appreciate the kind words as getting dumped like this has really knocked me back. I've never felt such conflicting emotions before. The love doesn't just disappear even when my anger is boiling over, just makes me feel numb sometimes. The lack of closure has also made it worse. I still feel like I need some kind of debrief after an intense LTR like this. Maybe closure just isn't an option in this case? What could she say? What would I believe? That said, staying NC is going to be so hard. She was my best friend and we talked almost everyday for 2.5 years. And now nothing.

 

Thank your lucky stars that she revealed herself to you before you got engaged/married because you would be in real trouble if that happened. Seriously get as far away from this woman as possible and don't look back, she's dangerous.

 

I do feel like she's dangerous and don't know how that trust can ever be repaired. A lot of people have told me I dodged a bullet, and I guess I have to agree. This could have been a whole lot worse. Thank you for the sound and safe advice.

[SteveJ13]

Here is a short blog about fraudulent restraining orders.

 

“Take That!â€: On Restraining Orders’ Catering to Hurtful Impulses « Talking back to restraining orders

 

This is what I'm afraid of, I don't think I've heard the last of her, even with her extreme actions.

[moveONorStay]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, there is nothing worse than a relationship ending and it seems like this one has ended in the worst possible way.

 

I think what you are doing now is trying to rationalize the irrational. This girl's behavior is completely over the top and it seems like she is following a pattern that she has before.

 

Although it is going to be very hard, I would suggest doing everything you can to get yourself sorted out and back on your feet. Dating probably isn't a great idea for now but getting your head down at work, spending more time with your friends and generally being kind to yourself are the quickest ways to getting over her.

 

There are plenty of girls out there who will enjoy you for who you are, who will be equally as charming but with half the drama you have experienced with your most recent ex.

 

Keep your chin up, things can only get better!