Studying abroad

[czen]

Why is she allowed to log into your FB? I'm a pretty trusting person (just read my posts), but even I wouldn't let a significant other log into any of my accounts (email, FB, etc)

She's been allowed to since this summer, when we were together for like 5 months. She repeatedly asked me to, and she said she would feel better if sometimes she could look into my messages when she was feeling insecure, so she could feel better.

 

She just asked me if I could change it back and I refused, I said that spying on me doesn't help to build trust. I was verbally destroyed by her then.

 

OP, carefully think about whether you really want to 'fix' your girlfriend. That task might absorb energy you need for something else. I tried that with my ex. Now I'm in a (and would be looking for) easy and effortless relationships as far as that's possible.

Yeah, I've been thinking about this long and hard, about breaking up I mean. It's just that I don't want to make a mistake, if I end things, it's really over. And yes, I know there are enough women out there, but there's till that voice in my head who says "She's all that you want, she just needs to get better And if she can get better she will be the person you'll stay with for the rest of your life. Do you really wantt o end things and risk never finding anybody else who you will love as much?" And I kinda have high standards regarding women (at least, compared to most guys I know), which doesn't make me more prone to pulling the trigger.

 

Czen, this girl has a Personality Disorder.

Take it from someone who was involved with one who was just 'light' in this department ... RUN.

 

This girl does not want to fix herself, the therapy was done to just appease you.

True change comes only when the person who needs to change truly wants it ... she doesn't want it.

 

This is your future OP :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I read a lot about this, thank you very much. I think she has a borderline personality disorder (even though her psychiatrists say she has a bipolar disorder, or is just really depressed).

Oh, and she is in therapy for herself, she's been in it for like 10 years already. She really wants to get better, it's just that there hasn't been any noticeable improvement from my point of view.

 

Anyways, I'm not gonna end it anytime soon, I'm supposed to stay with her in half a month for a week. But I'll think about how it needs to carry on after that.

 

Thanks for everybody's posts btw! Any more help is much appreciated, it really is a relief talking about this and hearing other people's opinions.

[czen]

Things haven't exactly improved since last time. I opened up about my issues with her to one of my best friend and his advice was to "dump her" as well.

 

More adn more I am starting to think it's the best for both of us. I'm starting to feel more and more miserable in this relationship. I'm in a pretty important exam week atm, but I just can't concentrate on it because I don't know how I can improve things. And every time I see how she is sad or just doesn't trust me it hurts again. Like last week I saw she logged in on my Gmail (yeah, I also changed my password of that too now) and it just broke my heart again.

 

She talked to her psychiatrist today and she admitted to me that she trusts no one. And I mean, I love her and I would want to stay with her, but what if she never gets better? What if it takes over a decade or so? These are all questions which have been racing through my head the last few days. A relationship is based on trust, and there's none of it here, so what the hell are we doing?

 

But on the other hand, even though I think about it logically and can see a break up is the best, the thought of it just makes me want to throw up.

We actually broke up once and after a lot of pleading I got her back. But I'm pretty sure that if it happens again I couldn't do it again.

 

And yeah, I know the advice will probably be like "man up and dump her" so yeah, kinda useless post. But I needed to get this off my chest.

[czen]

No one replied to this in a while, but I'll give an update anyway, since I always hate it to read topics which didn't get a conclusion.

 

We've continued to fight and fight.Two days ago I (again) had a glimmer of hope that all things could go fine. She made a whole thing about me being absolutely honest to her and not leave anything out. Like a while ago she got mad at me for not telling me I've been getting friends at my new workplace. It wasn't a big deal for me at all, and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been for her either if one of them wasn't a girl.

 

So trying to stay truthful I told her I was meeting up with some friends from work, including the girl, to just hang out. She went beserk. I have delivered the best speeches I cuold, but it didn't have any real effect until she suddenly changed two days ago and she went back to her usual self, until last night.

 

She asked me if I had texted with that girl today, and I told her I did for a little bit. She went beserk again. I don't feel it's warranted, I mean, I can get she's kinda jealous, but it's not like I meet up with her all the time outside of work or anything, I don't see her alone either. And I only have a few female friends, while she has a truckoad of guy friends.

 

But yeah, I'm breaking up with her, it's done. She feels miserable because of her complete inability to trust me. I wanted to wait till I went over to see her, but that still takes two weeks and that's a long time in her state. I'm sure she'l be miserable after the break up too, but she's constantly saying stuff like that she has given up and doesn't want this anymore. I can't force her to keep up the act.

 

So yeah, I'll be trying to talk to her on skype and end it. It's gonna hurt like hel, but it's for the best. I wish I could've done more for her, but I can't fix her. Thanks for all your help, it's been MUCH appreciated. So thank you.

[AlexDP]

I'll try to keep this story short:

I've had a LDR girlfriend for nearly a year now, she lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We try to see each other as much as possible, although it's kinda hard since we both study at a university. It's especially hard for her, since she has severe trust issues and she has some mental issues causing her to get sad and in a depressive state quite easily. I've been coping with this, sometimes it drives me crazy, as she can get quite insulting when this happens. But aside from this, things have been great between us. She repeatedly told me she thinks I'm her 'One' and that she could see us having a life together.

 

Only now a new thing has popped up: my university allowed me into their exchange programme so I can study abroad in the US for half a year or so. Something I've wanted for a very long time. When I told her about my application she said she would leave me if I got in. She stated several reasons, such as that we won't be able to see each other then, that she would go crazy from thinking I'm cheating on her, I would change from the experience, etc. She says that she doesn't want to leave me, but she has no other choice then. When I talked to her a bit more about it, she calmed down a bit and retracted her words somewhat, but she still was really concerned. I know some couples here have to do without each other for longer than 5-6 months, so some might think she's being a bit of a wussy, but my girlfriend kinda has it harder because of her mental and trust issues so...

 

Anyways, I don't want her to leave me, but I also don't want to give up this opportunity. I believe/know that we'll make it if I go study abroad, but I want her to believe that as well. Anybody got advice on this situation?

 

1. I know your relationship won't stand if you get in.

2. You should anyway. Your relationship should not be your primary focus right now. As weird as that might sound.