Friends or something more, what should I do next?

[Confused1]

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I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Here's some background to my problem. I have a group of friends at work that go out to lunch together most days of the week (male and female). Most of my female friends from that group have been going to out a movie on Friday or Saturday night for a couple of years now. Not everyone goes each time except me, I'm the only single one and don't have a life. About a year ago, the one single management guy from our group started going out with the "girls". All the other girls think he's gay because he dresses very hip/sharp and is always in style. Most of the guys on our floor dress like slobs.

 

During the last 6 months, the "movie group" has dwindled down to me, department intern that doesn't drive (female, Mary) and the guy (I'll call Carl). At the end of May, Carl called our group of friends into an office and told us all that he'd accepted a job with our company, in another state, 1400 miles away. I was totally shocked but knew he wasn't happy with his job so was understanding. I've had feelings for him for the last year but didn't get anything from him and didn't want to make our work relationship or friendship weird. I spent the month of May trying to bury my feelings and move on.

 

Then in July before going to a movie, we stopped at the mall. Mary, the intern, went to look at make-up and I wanted to look at sheets. Carl came along with me. As I was looking for shams that matched my newly purchase sheets, Carl points another set of sheets he likes. He then turns to me and says, "I could change my mind". I thought okay don't like that sheet set?? He then says, "Please tell me what I should do about moving". I say, "You want me to tell you what to do?" He says, "No, I want you to tell me what you want or what would make you happy?" Once again, I was totally shocked. I'm not sure if I truly understood what he was saying to me by the question. Then I replied, "I would love it if you would stay but I also know that I couldn't ask you to do that knowing how badly you hate your job." He has a commitment to the company and can't leave the company but can work in any area.

 

We continued on shopping but I was still trying to process our conversation. We met up with Mary and went to the store to grab a snack for the movie. Since we had just eaten, I wasn't hungry and didn't buy anything. Carl asked me what candy I liked and bought one I suggested he try. When we got to the movie, he said he bought that candy so we could share. After the movie, Carl suggested going somewhere for a drink. Mary is 19 so that was out. I told Carl I promised to take Mary to Target and I could drop her off at home then we could go out. Mary threw a fit and insisted we all go to Target. Carl got mad and told me he'd talk to me later or maybe tomorrow.

 

He never called so I called him on Saturday night. I had been thinking about our conversation all night and wanted to talk. He said he didn't want to talk about it because the news was on. I apologized for interrupting and started to say good-bye. He then tells me he wants to talk to me now but not about our conversation from the night before. I was dumb and complied, talking about an hour.

 

I spent the next two weeks trying to understand our conversation. He never backed away from me and seemed to be sending me signs he was still interested. To the point of taking me aside at work and having me explain a sexual joke in detail that he missed at his company/department sponsored going away party the evening before.

 

That evening I realized I truly did love him and needed to find out his feelings for me in-person. We had another going away party on Sunday afternoon and I told him I’d like to talk to him alone. He made sure we were never alone but stayed by my side. I left in tears.

 

Since his apartment had already been moved, he needed a place to stay. Another married friend had announced that he was staying at her home that last night and “anyone wanting to say good-bye one more time or tuck Carl in tonight should stop over”. I decided I would stop over and make him talk to me alone. He wasn’t there yet so I waited outside until he pulled up. He asked my why I wasn’t in the house. I clearly told him, I didn’t want to talk to our friends that I wanted to talk to him and alone. He proceeded up to the house and went in. I followed and spent the evening watching movies with our friends. I went home that night wrote him a letter. I left it on his desk. He came over to my desk and said, “I got your card and letter and have read it”. I asked if we could talk about it. His response was, “No”. I know that it had to be awkward being at work but he could have said something. He stopped over before he left and gave me the required friendship hug good-bye but wouldn’t let me go out with him to talk before leaving. I sat at my desk and started crying. He came back and gave me a card in “appreciation for my friendship” with two movie tickets and a gift card for Target. Also, wishing me the best in my personal and professional life. All the other women got gift cards for Bath and Body works.

 

What do I do? I feel like I’ve lost the best relationship I’ve ever had but I don’t know if he feels the same. Did I totally mess up by not making him stay? If he did, I don’t think we could have had a relationship working in the same department especially with him in management. I’m in my thirties and have never had a serious relationship and now I feel for obvious reasons. Thanks for any advice!

[uriel]

You didn't mess up. Carl wanted to know if you had feelings for him. So, he found out what he wanted to know. He wasn't necessarily offering to really stay and get something going with you. If he had felt that strongly, he would have talked the possibility over with you and shared his feelings for you openly.

 

I'm not saying this guy didn't have some attraction for you. He may have. However, he's not willing or able to take it further. Maybe that's because he is moving. Maybe that's because he doesn't want to get tied down.

 

For whatever reason, the ball is now NOT in your court, it's in his. And he's not playing. All you can do is let him walk away. He knows how you feel.

 

-- uriel

[Confused1]

I sent Carl's goodbye gifts to me back to him interoffice with a note of thanks. Then I felt guilty because I didn't mean it in a nasty way so I sent him a chatty e-mail asking about his trip and new job. He replied back to me that he was glad to hear from me and had been wondering how I was doing. He also commented he got the card and it was no problem and then was all chatty about his trip and new condo.

 

I feel better that he at least responded to my e-mail but I'm still not sure where I stand with him. Should I just continue on with our friendship like nothing happened?

[uriel]

Avoid him. He was relieved you weren't mad, because he'd like to play this torturous fence-sitting game a little longer. He likes your companionship and you flatter his ego. On the other hand, getting close to him and having fun together reminds you of being rejected and put off. That's not a good deal. It's not easy to go back to friendship when your feelings have been stirred as strongly as yours have. Maybe eventually, but not now.

 

You sent the right message the first time -- don't play with my heart, I'm not willing to get jerked around. Now you've backed down. That's how manipulative men (which is what you have on your hands) test for women with low self-esteem. Those are the women from whom they can take and give very little back to. Don't be that woman.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt -- I myself failed that test, kept going with the friendship, and got burned so badly I thought I'd never grow back new skin.

 

Be careful -- and stick to your guns.

 

-- uriel