Gf admitted cheating last night. Take her back or give her the boot?

[RobDeer]

Got a call today from my gf who admitted cheating last night. She said it was a friend from high school and it was simply a kiss that he initiated outside of a bar as a group of them were leaving. She claimed that there was nothing going on with them before and that there is no relationship beyond what happened last night. She was as apologetic as can be (of course) and said she would do anything for us to remain together. We had not been in any fight or argument leading up to this. She has in general been a good gf to me prior to this happening.

 

 

As a history, we have been together for about a year and a half. I really thought this was the girl I would settle down with. I have not seen any evidence that she cheated in the past. But I do know that when she drinks a lot she loses her inhibition/control, especially when she drinks shots (She claimed that she didn’t drink shots last night). Only two weeks ago I had to essentially carry her out of my friend’s Christmas party when she lost control. She has admitted to blacking out in the past when being out with her friends, but once again, no indication of cheating. I would not describe her in general as being an alcoholic, though, and she does have many more normal bar nights than blackout nights. But I had always been very leery of her given how she gets on these random nights. Especially as we do not have many mutual friends where information would likely leak back to me if something happened. I also recall at some time in the past that she admitted that she cheated on a past boyfriend many years ago.

 

 

 

I’ve already told her she’s not welcome on Christmas and that I would need time to decide what to do. I’ve never been cheated on before, and I’ve always thought if I was cheated on, that I would end it immediately. But I’m somewhat torn as of what to do. The only thing I know for certain is what she said happened last night and that she called me today to confess. Everything beyond that is merely speculation. I believe she is genuinely remorseful, but does the tag of once a cheater always a cheater apply here?

 

 

I’m sure people would react differently, but I would appreciate advice from anyone on what they personally would do. If more info is needed before rendering the verdict, let me know and I'll provide it. Thanks in advance.

[Toddbt12y1]

If she cheated on a past bf and on you now, she is not worth your effort. Block her. Go NC. She's trouble. If they cheat once they will again especially since. She did before and now.

[Keenly]

I'm leaning more towards give her a chance. If she told you the VERY next day its clear she feels remorse and is beating herself up about it.

 

Just give her the opportunity to make it up to you.

[Darren Steez]

Past behavior usually does repeat itself, kisses don't just happen out of the blue, more like it's rare to suddenly lunge at a chick if she hasn't given you the green light to at least try.

 

It always amazes me how people "would do anything" to get the person back and make it work, how about simply not cheating in the first place?

 

You take her back and you're saying it's ok to cheat on me, there are no consequences for your actions. Seeing as she's also a party girl who "loses her inhibitions" which I think is code for I don't care I'll do what I want (I don't buy people using drunkingness as an excuse for betraying someone) she's likely to repeat her actions time and time again.

 

She's probably told you about the kiss because it was in public and she was worried that it might get back to you so she pulled the trigger first, more likely she has already cheated before.

 

Are you going to police her, follow her around, keep checking up on her?

Trust is gone, your move next.

[Bryanp]

She is clearly bad news for you and cannot control her drinking. You cannot deal with a person with a drinking problem. If you stay with her then this will constantly be your life and you will constantly be humiliated and disrespected by her. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Drop her!

[GSB81]

If you overlook this, how are you going to feel the next time she goes out drinking, and probably with that guy? I've received flack for statements like the one I'm about to make, but whatever. This is what happens when your girlfriend goes out drinking with her buddies. Some of them can't handle that freedom.

[Christopher82]

I would stay your distance for a while and sort out your feelings. I was cheated on and immediately took her back.

 

Bad move.

 

Make sure that, before you talk to her, you have your feelings sorted out and that you are clear headed. Do NOT let her worm her way back in and although this might sound a bit dramatic, make SURE you walk in AND out of the situation firm and with the upper hand. Anything less will not suffice, regardless of what you choose. Based on my first hand experience, coupled with the fact that she can't control her alcohol well.... you might not reality, but chances are that she will cheat again in some shape, way or form.

 

My vote is for you to cut your loses now, give it some time and see how things evolve. You're the much better person here.

[Later82012]

She is a disaster. I am not sure what more do you need to see to dump her forever.

[MichiganMan222]

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate that and end the relationship. However, if you decide to give her a second chance, it absolutely must come with an ultimatum that she address her drinking problem. Some people are perfect mates when sober, but cheating sluts with hammered.

 

Consider you forgive her and then she goes out and gets blasted again. Some guy hits on her. Do you think she will have learned her lesson from the first time? Absolutely. But her lesson learned will be that she can get away with cheating on you. And the next time, it may be more than some random guy's tongue in her mouth.

 

BTW, if you do give her a second chance, if possible, I'd immediately try to look more into that 'kiss' and make sure it really was just that. If it were more, then you have no choice but to dump her then and there.

[Chi townD]

Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, is that she came clean and fessed up. That's good. At least she's owning up to her own sh*t.

 

The bad news is, she probably did more than just kiss him. See, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it really is.

[Radu]

I'm leaning more towards give her a chance. If she told you the VERY next day its clear she feels remorse and is beating herself up about it.

 

Just give her the opportunity to make it up to you.

 

I agree with this.

 

The big question is why did she tell you.

Did she tell you because she thought you had the right to know, or did she tell you to discharge her guilt.

 

Another problem is her drinking, is she willing to give it up ?

Don't ask her to give up her drinking for your relationship, because that's an ultimatum and she's young.

Quite frankly i don't think it will work.

 

In your place i would make this R conditional on why she did this.

With gentle stearings like 'alcohol is not an excuse, it just removes inhibitions', and 'i don't believe this and that'.

 

Be prepared for this relationship not to work.

Hope it does, but be prepared just in case.

[bellad48]

If you take her back, I think you should set boundaries and that includes no more drinkings and if she does then you dump her.

[sayyes19]

She is a disaster. I am not sure what more do you need to see to dump her forever.

 

I agree with this. It's one thing that so many people on this forum dismiss the past behavior of bf/gf's as nothing (don't worry about it), but it's quite another to dismiss this open disrespect. Get rid of her and save some dignity.

[trevzilla]

she's a cheater, it's in her nature. It has nothing to do with you. Kick her to the curb and move on.

[NoMagicBullet]

Like others, I have to wonder if it was just a kiss. Who is the "high school friend" and who else was there? I'd want a list of names and contact info to inquire about her true behaviour and what she did on that night (or other nights). Not sure if the "high school friend" would be honest about what happened, but maybe he would, if you talked to him.

 

If it really was just one kiss, then it might be workable -- after all, she confessed promptly when she didn't have to -- but with conditions. Her drinking to blackout is not at all good, cheating aside, and if I were you, I'd leave if she didn't put an end to that. Also, contact with "high school friend" and any other exes would end, no excuses (with the only exception being deaths & funerals of mutal friends). You should be able to have access to her phone, e-mail etc, to look through whenever you want; she's broken your trust, and this is a way for her to prove that she is being faithful and is serious about earning your trust back. Question is, how serious is she about your relationship? Would she be willing to make all those changes? If she won't discuss making at least a few changes, better to walk away.

 

Next question is, if she were willing to make those changes, do you think you could accept her efforts and be willing to rebuild the trust and the relationship? Do you think you could get past it and not dwell on it? Or would you always hold it over her head, bring it up again in the future when you aren't happy with her, or use that bit of her past as a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card when you screw up? If you're likely to do the latter, then it's better to walk away.