lack of understanding and communication

[memomma]

I'm more or less at a loss.

My husband of 5 1/2 years is unable and/or unwilling to talk with my kids. 2 out of 3 still live here at home.

He has the biggest problem communicating with my 19 year old son. He doesn't talk to him at all.

This hurts me and makes me VERY ANGRY.

I have repeatedly tried to explain how this affects our home and our marraige and for some reason....he just doesn't get it.

Last night, I asked him if he had said anything to my son during the day.

He answered no. I asked if he doesn't find that strange. To live in a house with someone and not even speak to them......

I wasn't trying to pick a fight. I was trying to explain how our marraige could never work if this continues. Sooner or later I blow up about it because it is so unfair and damaging to my children. I either blow up or become silent.

Counseling is something he refuses to consider. This nonsense is something I just cannot continue. It gets me too angry.

Comments?

[PurpleAngel]

I realize that there are problems that lye in your husband that require attention BUT we cant judge his situation because we just don’t know what is going on inside him. Perhaps instead of you making him go to counseling, seeing as this situation is deeply effecting you perhaps you should be the one taking the accountability for your situation not his behavior and you going to see a counselor. A counselor will not be able to fix your relationship but will be able to assist you deal with the situation better, heal or manage any hurt/pain caused and teach you tools you could use to assist your children or even your husband on how you can all start communicating again and healing.

 

Unfortunately we cannot make anyone hear or listen to us, and if your husband has shut off it is up to him to start listening and communicating again. Your main responsibility should be to yourself.

 

Is it possible that in some way you are exacerbating the situation? How can you assist growth within yourself to work without his communication? how can you support your children through this hard time? A counselor can assist you get some clarity of those things.

 

I understand this is a very difficult situation which I can see is causing you lots of pain. I wish you luck with it.

[memomma]

PurpleAngel,

Thank you for your reply.

It makes me think about what part I play in our problems in our home. Actually, I was trying to explain to my husband on the day I posted exactly why I was becoming angry. I wasn't trying to fight but I saw that I was ticked off and didn't think he understood what had prompted it...I was "trying" to communicate with him.

I have been to counseling and am not opposed to it at all. I've been married not quite six years and have seen four counselors during that time. I've always asked my husband to go along but he says "it's nonsense'. I can honestly say that the counseling has helped me to continue to be married but sometimes it has felt like all I'm doing is talking about the same problem. No matter how many times I go to counseling....I can't change how things are here at home between my husband and my children and it gets old talking about it over and over and over. So.....rather than have him make fun of the fact I go to counseling, I go when things get unbearable and once I get a handle on things....I stop. It's been over a year since I went to a session.

In the meantime, I try to figure out where this is heading....my marraige I mean. I posted the other day out of frustration because I am trying to keep our marraige intact but I often wonder if that is the right thing to do.

Anyway.....thank you for taking time to listen and for your reply. It was helpful.

I will keep on keeping on and trying to be responsible for my part of the problem as well as trying to figure out a solution.

[PurpleAngel]

No matter how many times I go to counseling....I can't change how things are here at home between my husband and my children and it gets old talking about it over and over and over.

Counseling cannot change anything at home for you, but rather SHOULD be able to change the situation within yourself to get some more clarity around the situation, what you deserve, what your children deserve etc. does that make sense? SO really the counseling is totally about you and where you are at. It only deals with what is triggered in you by someone doing something.

So.....rather than have him make fun of the fact I go to counseling, I go when things get unbearable and once I get a handle on things....I stop. It's been over a year since I went to a session.

Counselling is far more effective if you work with the counselor end to end until that issue is resolved, otherwise you will be continuously going back and forth..

 

In the meantime, I try to figure out where this is heading....my marraige I mean. I posted the other day out of frustration because I am trying to keep our marraige intact but I often wonder if that is the right thing to do.

You CANNOT take the responsibility for keeping the marriage together, that will NOT work! That is something you both need to do, but as I keep saying, always look at how you are behaving that may be causing the situation, perpetuating the situation, blocking the situation from resolving OR whether the whole thing has nothing to do with you.

 

I will keep on keeping on and trying to be responsible for my part of the problem as well as trying to figure out a solution.

OK now, I am going to say something a little far out. At the moment, obviously your husband is going through something and has isolated himself from his family (I would be interested to know how your relationship is with him). Is it possible that pushing him into communicating with your children and questioning him is making him back off more. Could you, for a while try to just ‘sit with’ whatever he is going through… And if that means just accepting that FOR NOW, he is not speaking to the children then, be it. What I am saying is hard, I know, but you cannot make him talk. Pushing him will only alienate him more. SO self-acceptance is a POWERFUL thing in these situation. Don’t waist time on something you cannot change. If he doesn’t want to talk to the children then this is something HE is having the problem with… leave him with it for a little while without any pressure. You think about what you need and want and whether that is all reasonable and make your decision about what the future holds for YOU!

 

I am here to listen more if you need it!

[memomma]

PurpleAngel,

You're good at this!

Thanks again. Having a sounding board and an impartial ear to listen is very helpful.

So.....here we go.........

I have been allowing him to develop (or not develop) his own relationships with my children for years now. The silent treatment has gone on for about 4 years. Not just with the kids but with me on a regular basis. I realize this is just his way of not dealing with issues as he hates confrontation. My problem with that is that the problems never go away because we avoid talkinkg about them....they just begin to fester and sooner or later I blow up. Then I say if we cannot work this out, we're going to get divorced. I'm really not "threatening" him...I just want him to understand how serious and important communication is to me.

You asked about our relationship.

It goes from absolutely horrible to okay. Not happy, just okay. The majority of the time we go our seperate ways and seem to get along better that way. Eventually I get tired of the tension and the uncomfortable silence in our home and make the initiative to compromise and come to an understanding of sorts.

I guess I am now at the stage of figuring out exactly what this marraige will consist of and deciding if that is enough for me. I'm older now and I just can't say I'm willing to settle for so/so. I want to feel connected to my spouse and enjoy spending time with him. That hasn't been the case in a long time. I am usually happier spending time alone that spending time with him. Especially when he is in a mood and refuses to tell me what's wrong. I just don't want to deal with that.

So.....I am "trying" to be still and weigh my options before making any rash decisons. I know in reality the decision isn't rash because this situation has been going on for years. I'm just trying to consider all angles and know what is right before I act on anything.

Again....PurpleAngel.....thanks for listening.