My jealousy is spiraling out of control.

[Howard1010]

I have been with my very good looking girlfriend for the best part of a year now. I have always felt slightly insecure about our relationship due to my outlook that she is far better looking than me, in all my jealousy is now at the point I cant control it anymore.

 

She has recently started working at the same place I work however it may be a different department so i see her very infrequently, due to different breaks and such as. but as time has gone one everytime I see her hanging round with a another male member of staff my stomach literally knots up, and all that is running through my head is "who is that ?" "whats she doing talking to him ?" "is she screwing him ?" and its getting to the point now where I dont trust her at all, for instance her and few colleagues were going to domino's on there dinner 2 guys and 3 girls in one car, i was on my dinner at the same time and she walked right past me admitedly she probably didnt notice me, and then got in the car with these guys, I nearly threw up.

 

she does not help the situation it seems that our life together and her life are two seperate things and i never get involved in her life as she wont allow it.

 

its now getting to the point that I really dont trust her if ever she goes on nights out and im not with her, i wont sleep, i cant concentrate on anything but thinking who's she got into, has she cheated on me, would she tell me if she did, how would i ever no if she has.

 

some things she does really dosnt help, like for instance I asked for a lift to work one day, she started at the same time as me we work at the same place and she had stayed over the night before so she was already with me in the morning, but she said no as she was giving her friend a lift (who is female and she has known her for about 5 weeks essentially how long she has worked at my place) and i said thats fine but there are 2 other seats in the car and her response was i cant take you cause "grace dosnt like you and refuses to get into a car with you" (and brief explanation why is the first time i was in the car with this girl i apparently didnt say hi to her even tho i most certainly did and this equals me being arrogant and rude yet thats the only time she has ever met me). now correct me if im wrong but if you have a friend who dosnt like the person you supposedly love, would you choose that person or your boyfriend should it be that other person who has to deal with it not me. but she chose that other person which made me snap again.

 

there are so many other things that she does that dosnt help my insecurities/jealousy i could go on for an age. but the jealousy is my problem to sort out we have had the conversation about it a few times and she knows i get really jealous and she says shes going to change the way she goes about things. one thing that really didnt get to me is just that lift thing it turned out she gave 4 people a lift to work that day but I was the one left to stand out in the pouring rain waiting for busses and trains. shouldnt i be the first pick not them.

 

im scared of losing her but at the same time i dont no how much more of this i can handle, if you would like to know a few more things she has done to plant seeds of doubt into my head, i will leave it at that for now, and i really hope someone can come up with some way of curbing this jealousy once and for all but at the same time keep hold of the one thing that i love in this world.

 

many thanks

[GSB81]

She sounds cold and inconsiderate as hell. Has she put friends first in the past? Or is it new behavior that started with the new job?

[todreaminblue]

I have been with my very good looking girlfriend for the best part of a year now. I have always felt slightly insecure about our relationship due to my outlook that she is far better looking than me, in all my jealousy is now at the point I cant control it anymore.

 

She has recently started working at the same place I work however it may be a different department so i see her very infrequently, due to different breaks and such as. but as time has gone one everytime I see her hanging round with a another male member of staff my stomach literally knots up, and all that is running through my head is "who is that ?" "whats she doing talking to him ?" "is she screwing him ?" and its getting to the point now where I dont trust her at all, for instance her and few colleagues were going to domino's on there dinner 2 guys and 3 girls in one car, i was on my dinner at the same time and she walked right past me admitedly she probably didnt notice me, and then got in the car with these guys, I nearly threw up.

 

she does not help the situation it seems that our life together and her life are two seperate things and i never get involved in her life as she wont allow it.

 

its now getting to the point that I really dont trust her if ever she goes on nights out and im not with her, i wont sleep, i cant concentrate on anything but thinking who's she got into, has she cheated on me, would she tell me if she did, how would i ever no if she has.

 

some things she does really dosnt help, like for instance I asked for a lift to work one day, she started at the same time as me we work at the same place and she had stayed over the night before so she was already with me in the morning, but she said no as she was giving her friend a lift (who is female and she has known her for about 5 weeks essentially how long she has worked at my place) and i said thats fine but there are 2 other seats in the car and her response was i cant take you cause "grace dosnt like you and refuses to get into a car with you" (and brief explanation why is the first time i was in the car with this girl i apparently didnt say hi to her even tho i most certainly did and this equals me being arrogant and rude yet thats the only time she has ever met me). now correct me if im wrong but if you have a friend who dosnt like the person you supposedly love, would you choose that person or your boyfriend should it be that other person who has to deal with it not me. but she chose that other person which made me snap again.

 

there are so many other things that she does that dosnt help my insecurities/jealousy i could go on for an age. but the jealousy is my problem to sort out we have had the conversation about it a few times and she knows i get really jealous and she says shes going to change the way she goes about things. one thing that really didnt get to me is just that lift thing it turned out she gave 4 people a lift to work that day but I was the one left to stand out in the pouring rain waiting for busses and trains. shouldnt i be the first pick not them.

 

im scared of losing her but at the same time i dont no how much more of this i can handle, if you would like to know a few more things she has done to plant seeds of doubt into my head, i will leave it at that for now, and i really hope someone can come up with some way of curbing this jealousy once and for all but at the same time keep hold of the one thing that i love in this world.

 

many thanks

 

 

i feel for you , you are wanting not to feel jealousy yet she continues to feed your jealousy.....when people come together it is a mesh of lives, and its hard going sometimes...but you cant separate them it isnt fair, the friend who doesnt like you so you couldnt catch a lift......if it were me i would walk with you to work....she chose a friend over you...thats not a full time boyfriend that you are, you are part time......getting into a car with guys....while you watch her without her saying a word...not on...not right...inconsiderate disrespectful...i dont care if she is an absolute bombshell no one deserves to treat others like this....she might be good looking but to me she doesnt have a personality that matches, to do this to you...not one that you deserve to be with

 

You cant curb jealousy if she continues to give you reasons to be jealous....you need to sit down and talk with her.......its not on ......her behavior ......either she is serious about you and you truly become part of her life ...her friends accept it and if her or her friends dont ....kick them to the curb......she should kick her friend who doesnt like you if it separates you two in any way...like catching seperate rides...for instance.she shoudl eb loyal and say nah walking thanks i will walk with him...its nasty stuff......no woman how stunning deserves to treat another badly....you are a loyal and caring partner you need respect to give respect...she should respect you more...i wish you much love happiness and laughter in 2013 with ...or without her...talk to her and be honest...see what eventuates then...my friends would never say to me nah dont liek him they knwo they would be in for a blue....smilin.....if they love me they accept who i am with as long as i am happy they should be too....your woman sounds like a tool maybe a good lookign tool but a tool none the less..deb

Edited December 24, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Later82012]

Leave her. You are not very important to her.

[Christopher82]

 

she does not help the situation it seems that our life together and her life are two seperate things and i never get involved in her life as she wont allow it.

 

Ditch the b*tch ASAP. This is no way to live.

 

Seriously, GTFO ASAP.

[Darren Steez]

What does this woman give to you that you could possibly tolerate being treated so badly?

 

You are insecure and she sure as hell knows it. She walks past you and ignores you. If you're with someone and she blatantly refuses to give you a lift because of some nonsense excuse!!?

 

Why are you with her? Is it her house? Leave!!! Let me tell you something, in your head you think you don't deserve her so you treat her accordingly, overdoing stuff, taking crap and backing down, tolerating her behavior.

Damn, she could be a model...so what!!? That allows her to walk all over you?

 

This relationship is unbalanced not because she's good looking but because you are giving more than she's giving back. You're a DOORMAT!

 

I'd tell you to man up but it's not about that. It's about having pride in yourself. When someone leaves you in the rain, then picks up other people, how do you feel inside? Like dirt? Then you justify it by saying well I should be lucky I still have her? NO NO NO!!

 

Look in the mirror, then smack yourself. Get angry! Tell yourself I do not want to be treated like this. I AM NOT A DOORMAT. Next time she acts and treats you without dignity, don't say anything. Just pack and go, if it's your place, pack her stuff and tell her to go.

 

She does not respect you, and as long as you continue to act like somewhere she can wipe her feet all over she will NEVER have any RESPECT for you.

[Howard1010]

I appreciate all your responses.

 

We have talked about it now, properly anyway. I got very angry at one point and told her to pack her things and get the **** out, at this point she finnaly admited defeat, her stuborness usually stops her from doing this, but she admitted she made a great mistake, she shouldnt of ever put someone before me but she did. and my now worry is, is it going to happen again ? i think if it ever did she'd be gone.

 

just the main problem is now the whole jealousy situation, with the getting in the car with guys thing she clearly didnt see me and I made no effort to grab her attention, but some thing as innocent as going getting pizza on her lunch break with a few friends from work, and I get jealous, to the point of wanting to throw up thats gotta be wrong.

 

 

And when you guys say she shouldnt be treating you like this, she never used to, she used to work as a carer which in turn meant she was alone in her car most of the time driving from house to house, but now she is in a job where she does have a clleagues and she can build friendships, she used to have one best friend who moved to thailand, and various others who she never saw due to uni and what not, so for i would say a good 7 months of this relationship I have had her soul attention, its just been me and her. So personally i think this problem is a mixture of her having new friends that she can spend time with now as well as me, but at the same time not really thinking about me when she does. and me acclimatizing to the change in our relationship, I need to accept that she can have her own friends, but she has to consider me in the process, which a lot of the times she dosnt.

 

Thanks for your responses guys its given me a lot to think about.

[GSB81]

Here's what I'd do. I preface this with a warning though. I'm not saying you should do this, just that I'd like to. The next time it's raining, have some friends come over. Might want to arrange this ahead of time. When they get there, ask her if she can wait outside. When she asks why, tell her its because one of your friends doesn't like her and you think it may be awkward if the two of you are in the same house.

[Howard1010]

I think you have a great idea then.

 

but on the other hand is it not a bit spiteful to go through all that trouble just to prove a point.

 

After we have already spoken about it aswell and she has promised me that its not going to happen again.

[TheLestat]

I appreciate all your responses.

 

We have talked about it now, properly anyway. I got very angry at one point and told her to pack her things and get the **** out, at this point she finnaly admited defeat, her stuborness usually stops her from doing this, but she admitted she made a great mistake, she shouldnt of ever put someone before me but she did. and my now worry is, is it going to happen again ? i think if it ever did she'd be gone.

 

just the main problem is now the whole jealousy situation, with the getting in the car with guys thing she clearly didnt see me and I made no effort to grab her attention, but some thing as innocent as going getting pizza on her lunch break with a few friends from work, and I get jealous, to the point of wanting to throw up thats gotta be wrong.

 

 

And when you guys say she shouldnt be treating you like this, she never used to, she used to work as a carer which in turn meant she was alone in her car most of the time driving from house to house, but now she is in a job where she does have a clleagues and she can build friendships, she used to have one best friend who moved to thailand, and various others who she never saw due to uni and what not, so for i would say a good 7 months of this relationship I have had her soul attention, its just been me and her. So personally i think this problem is a mixture of her having new friends that she can spend time with now as well as me, but at the same time not really thinking about me when she does. and me acclimatizing to the change in our relationship, I need to accept that she can have her own friends, but she has to consider me in the process, which a lot of the times she dosnt.

 

Thanks for your responses guys its given me a lot to think about.

 

Since she hasnt cheated on you "i assume" it cant hurt to much to give her another chance. Tell her things have to change.

 

Tell her

 

A b and c are hurting me very much, i dont like how your doing these things ect... if you really love me you will be more respectful of me and stop doing this, and dont think of it as demands because your not asking to much.

 

You deserve someone who respects you, id be pissed off if my girl left me standing in the rain and gave a ride to 4 other people, hell i wouldnt stand for it ever.

 

Get some self respect man and tell her the way it is, dont allow her to walk all over you. Gl

[NervisPervis]

I have been with my very good looking girlfriend for the best part of a year now.

 

OK. She'shot. Good for you.

 

its now getting to the point that I really dont trust her if ever she goes on nights out and im not with her, i wont sleep, i cant concentrate on anything but thinking who's she got into, has she cheated on me

 

There you go. I'm presuming these "night out" include going to places where alcohol is served and "mingling" between the sexes is encouraged. Maybe it's the reason they exist? Say, night clubs/meat markets?

 

You want to know if she likes the company of other men to you? Easy. VERY easy. Have a friend that doesn't know her stop in, observe, and report back. Get cell video if you'd like. I can GUARANTEE she doesn't tell you all about these nights. Guarantee.

 

OK. I'm a bit paranoid. But you are of a generation that refuses to be controlling and you will in NO WAY show her that you are uncomfortable with these situations. Women like "your girlfriend" survive on that. She not only meets and parties with strange men, she probably either goes out with men from work and doesn't tell you (that's a date), or meets them at the bar so it doesn't LOOK like a date (that's a date), or she goes places where she parties with the same boys every week (that's a date).

 

Sooooo...

 

She likes her work friends more than you. She goes on dates without you. She disrespects you.

 

I really hate to say this, but she's breaking up with you. She's just waiting for the right time.

 

Please. I know it's paranoid, but it will be better that laying home in bed wondering who she's partying with. Please spy on her at the meat markets. I will say it AGAIN!! A woman will NOT say "I'm heading out to the Infidelity Inn to see my affair partner, don't wait up". But they WILL say "I'm heading out to the Hookup Club to flirt, drink, and party with strange men you will never know about, don't wait up". They TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE DOING and you go to bed with jackhammers pounding at the walls of you gut and you do NOTHING about it.

 

Please ignore ALL of the posters who will begin throwing daggers at me. It is not their girlfriends making a fool out of them. Please spy. For me. I wish to god I did when my wife was out partying.

 

Or maybe you're OK with "your GF" partying with strange men while you stay home alone? If that's the case, sorry. Ignore me like all of these other posters will recommend. And if I AM wrong, you can sleep better knowing she's out at a coffee shop discussing knitting with her BFF's. It's a win-win.

 

Making you wait for a bus in the rain while she drives around town to pick up three other work mates? Are you KIDDING me?

[NoMagicBullet]

I think your insecurities are growing out of not wanting to acknowledge that this relationship is not moving forward. You've been together about a year, but she doesn't include you in her life -- sorry, but that just isn't good enough for a committed relationship. By now she should be including you in her life and vice versa, and she should have no problem being public about you being her bf in front of work colleagues (since she joined your workplace after you got together).

 

Things is, you are too focused on what she may or may not be doing with other men, when you should be taking a hard look at the relationship, why it isn't progressing, and deciding what to do about it. I think NervisPervis has a point: it doesn't sound like she's all that invested in the relationship and she's just waiting for the right time to bail. I don't think you should bother spying on her, though; if you discover something, it's over anyway, and if you don't, you'll still be convinced something is going on. I think you're better off telling her that you want a better relationship than what she's offering and moving on.

[Howard1010]

I have said everything i needed to say to her.

 

and it did not go well, she can still not see where she has gone wrong.

 

so were taking a week apart to think about what we want from this relationship and to see if its all worth it, if we decide no then were finished.

 

I cant trust her and she cant stand the fact that i cant trust her so I doubt its gonna happen.

[NervisPervis]

so were taking a week apart...

 

A week off? PARTY TIME!!! (for her, I mean).

 

Have a friend tail her at the meat markets. That will show you where you stand in this relationship. You'll see just how upset she is to be without you.

 

Oh, and get used to the fact that it's your paranoid insecurity that caused the split. But that's OK. As long as she's out of your life.

 

Take a look at NoMagicBullet's signature line. I wonder if it is always there or if he put it there just for you.

 

Sorry dude, but it's for the best. Good luck.

[NoMagicBullet]

Take a look at NoMagicBullet's signature line. I wonder if it is always there or if he put it there just for you.

 

Uh, I'm a "she", and I actually said it in another thread first, then decided it applied to 90% of the romantic forum posts on LS, so I'd save myself some typing by putting it in my signature. (And I thought it sounded pretty damn good, to boot! ) But yes, it applies here, too.

 

I'm sorry it's going this way, Howard, but I hope you'll have some more clarity with some time apart. Do try to focus less on the trust issues (at this point, you have no proof of anything and maybe be needlessly upsetting yourself over nothing) and spend some time considering if you want to be with someone who puts other people ahead of you and treats you disrespectfully.

 

She could be 100% faithful, and this would still be a crappy situation. There may or may not be another man; the important thing here is that she's not acting like you're the man she wants. It doesn't matter why (unless you are doing things that she's ashamed of her relationship with you) she's not being a better gf, the point is she's not doing it and that needs to change. If you keep harping on her about trust and cheating, you might be missing the real reasons why she's not treating you right -- which may have nothing to do with infidelity.

 

I say this from personal experience: I was with a man who treated me like crap, and I was ashamed to talk to other people about my bf because of that. I never introduced him to my coworkers, never talked about him to other people, because there was nothing good to say. He was uptight, critical, uncaring, and had really poor social skills. I didn't act like he was my bf because he didn't act like he was my bf. He may have thought that I found other men more physically attractive than him (he made comments that led me to believe that he was insecure about his looks), but the thing was, I wanted out because my bf was a jerk, and for various reasons, it took a while before I was able to end it. So for a while, I was just waiting to bail (or kick him out if he conveniently cheated on me!). There was never another man in the picture.

 

Who knows what's really going on with your gf, but the above is why I'm telling you to stop throwing in your gf's face "I can't trust you!" and instead discuss why she's not making you a part of her life, why she gives you the cold should when others are around, etc. Focus on what she is doing, not what you think she's doing. There may be other things going on that you never would have thought of that may seem like nothing to you but might be a big deal to her. Yeah, she could be cheating, but what if she's not?

 

If you do stay together, then take another look at your trust issues and get some counseling for both of you.

[Howard1010]

yeh after all this were over.

 

she came round 2 days ago and picked up the rest of her stuff, I tried to talk to her but she just didnt want to listen, and walked out without even a goodbye.

 

2 days before that which forced me to break it off, she did the worst thing ever, when we decided to take this break and some time apart, i thought we were still together. I was on fbook and my relationship status was still with her, I just went on her page, and hers was gone, went into "about" not there either, she had hidden her relationship status completely, and i saw on the day she decided to take some time apart, she had added about 10 guys one of them she used to date. does that seem like something you should do if were just having time apart. i think not. and to do it that subtly aswell the fact is i would of never of known unless i actually looked and all these guys she added were completely none the wiser she was taken.

 

new years eve, i asked her to come out with me and our friends like we were supposed to and try and patch up (we were all going out to the pub where me and her met) she said categorically "no i cannot afford it" asked again even said i will get her a few drinks "no". i then confronted her when she came round and said so where did you end up new years eve, "i went out in town clubbing with friends from work". that was it, that was all i needed.

 

this is still hurting me and i want it to stop but what she has done to me over the past couple weeks has destroyed me. but now im seeing the light,, im so much better than her. she didnt care about out relationship and clearly wanted to be single again so she got what she wanted as my hands are completely washed of her.

[NervisPervis]

Sorry man. It hurts. Please accept that she is out of your life. Let her go. No begging. No pleading. No being a dick to her when you run into her. You've moved on. Make sure she and everyone else knows that and you are getting over it. You can't get her back (please accept that). Keep your dignity.

 

Good luck, and go find someone else.

[Darren Steez]

I have said everything i needed to say to her.

 

and it did not go well, she can still not see where she has gone wrong.

 

so were taking a week apart to think about what we want from this relationship and to see if its all worth it, if we decide no then were finished.

 

I cant trust her and she cant stand the fact that i cant trust her so I doubt its gonna happen.

 

I don't understand that..sorry mate but it seems like you're taking the coward/beta way out.

 

She can't she what the problem is, even after you've explained how you feel about anything, so you're taking time apart to do what? She doesn't see anything wrong with disrespecting you, ignoring when you're out and basically treating you like dirt and you're going ok since there's no consensus (i.e. She feels she has not done anything wrong so she's not going to back down) you go away and think about things.

 

Sorry dude, she has no respect for you and when she goes away she's not going to miss you, sit there feeling sorry for herself and come to realize she's lost the greatest thing on earth.

 

You still hang on to her like some wet blanket, stand up for yourself, like I said before no woman is worth having your worth of self trampled over like that.

You wouldn't take someone spitting in your face and smile back at them and go, you really hurt my feelings but I still like you.

 

Grow up and get rid of her.

[Darren Steez]

And unfortunately when she doesn't respect you, she does things like she did at New Years.

 

You're good that you're shot of her.

 

Now you can move forward with your life.

[Howard1010]

yep we have been seperated for over 2 weeks now its finished completely kinda gutted but ah well. thanks for the support anyway.

 

she was never fully commited to this relationship and she proved that with how easy she walked when i said it was over she didnt even put up a fight. just walked out the house and didnt say goodbye.

 

so **** her new year time too start a fresh.

[Darren Steez]

yep we have been seperated for over 2 weeks now its finished completely kinda gutted but ah well. thanks for the support anyway.

 

she was never fully commited to this relationship and she proved that with how easy she walked when i said it was over she didnt even put up a fight. just walked out the house and didnt say goodbye.

 

so **** her new year time too start a fresh.

 

She wanted you to call her bluff, she wanted YOU to stop her, now all the other stuff, changing her Facebook is just petty nonsense, no doubt she's hurting inside now she wants to make you hurt.

 

Hope you changed your status too, deleted her pics and unfriended her, out of mind out of sight. Good luck!