My MW is the Love of My Life

[Bassman100]

She would have set a dday a while back, if I hadn't succumbed to my fears and insecurities, and pressured her to leave MM on my timetable. In the course of all this, I thought that I'd driven her away forever.

 

For five months there was no contact, and I was miserable. After I contacted her again, I found out she was miserable, too, and we began a calmer, honest dialogue about how we felt, about what we did wrong, about how much better we are both doing now.

 

I don't pressure her to do anything about the MM anymore. I told her I want her to be happy, no matter what course she takes with all this. We have never seemed closer.

 

I trust her, and she's learning to trust me again. I used to threaten to expose the A to the MM if she didn't move towards a dday, and she would dig in her heels. Oddly enough, now that I'm not caving to my insecurities and pressuring her, she seems more inclined to get out of her marriage.

 

We've been honest with each other to a fault. I know some might suggest that I'm grasping at straws or somesuch, but I'm learning that the more I let her move at her own pace, the closer to being together in every way imaginable we become.

 

The problem on the horizon I can see is that I have a really good shot at a new job, but it will involve working with the MM in this equation, and he knows enough about us to thoroughly hate my guts, which I don't really blame him for. I don't know how exactly that's going to pan out, as he has no idea we're close again. As far as he's concerned, she wants nothing to do with me.

 

I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance here, as I have read on some threads here that I should have a timetable, but quite frankly, I'm willing to wait for her to sort that out for herself.

 

I realize this is a very abbreviated account of the last three years of my life with her. Feel free to ask for clarification on any of this. Any input is welcome. She's the most amazing, beautiful spirit I've ever encountered, and I'm not one to say such a thing lightly. I will do whatever I can to make her happy, even if it means giving her up, if that's what she wants.

 

I hope that makes some sense. It's late, and I'm tired, but I wanted to post this before I lost my nerve. Thanks for reading.

[alexandria35]

Your MW is a big time cake eater. She likes having both you and her husband at her beck and call. The only way she will ever leave her husband is if he leaves her first. Not sure why you think getting a woman who has deceived and cheated on her husband for 3 years is such a big prize. I supposed she blames that on all sorts of things other than her own poor integrity.

 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say she had set a dday a while back. Around here dday means discovery day which refers to the affair being exposed to the Betrayed Spouse. Most WS's never want a dday and would prefer to either stay married or divorce without the BS ever knowing about the affair.

 

Does your MW have kids? Does she work? Is she able to support herself and her kids if she were to leave her husband or is she living a lifestyle now that she wouldn't be able to maintain without her husband? If she does have kids where do they fit into the equation? Does it bother you that you are hoping their mother breaks up their family and takes them away from their father?

 

In any case it doesn't sound like you really need any help. You sound determined to be the OM for as long as she will have you. That's your choice but I think you're living in lala land. I'm not sure what to say about working with you taking a job that involves working with her husband. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

[Bassman100]

Your MW is a big time cake eater. She likes having both you and her husband at her beck and call. The only way she will ever leave her husband is if he leaves her first. Not sure why you think getting a woman who has deceived and cheated on her husband for 3 years is such a big prize. I supposed she blames that on all sorts of things other than her own poor integrity.

 

No, she blames herself, feels awful at times, and so on. We are very honest with each other, which I suppose is ironic, given the lie of omission going on at home.

 

Sorry I was confused on the term 'dday'. I thought it meant Divorce-day. My error.

 

Dday was two Thanksgivings ago, at my insistence, when she went home (MM and kiddo still lived 500 miles away). He ordered her to move back, or lose all custody of kiddo. I suppose a good divorce lawyer could have made a case for abandonment, or somesuch.

 

She moved back here again a couple of months after she moved home. I guess the sight of a depressed wife day after day will wear a man down. I'm sure she made the case that she was depressed about giving up a really great job, but I suspect there were other factors. MM moved up here six months later. He's found out about other indiscretions since, but hangs on anyway. I know I wouldn't. Staying together for the kids' sake is a bunch of BS, in my book. It's better to come from a broken home, than live in one. A sorry example of love and marriage that little girl gets to grow up with, I think.

 

I appreciate the input, I really do. A good friend once told me that if you can't shout it from the rooftops, it isn't love. I tend to agree with that. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, either. I have my share of battle scars. I've trashed relationships over trivial nonsense and paranoia, had my girlfriend and my best friend hook up, been the MM with the OW insisting that I'd never leave my wife, and now this. I don't really know what to expect next. Life is funny, but they don't hand out programs.

 

So, onward I go. The girlfriend that slept with the best friend is now the mother of my beautiful little girl. We're not in a relationship, but still very close. And the old OW is a good friend now, too. You can never have too many friends, especially the kind that know of your past mistakes, and hang around anyway.

 

Thanks again for your opinions and time.

[firstandlast]

A good friend once told me that if you can't shout it from the rooftops, it isn't love.

 

I like that. Good way to put it.

[Bassman100]

When an AP threatens to tell, a true cake eater always needs to lie and say the BS knows.

 

While I can find nothing wrong with that statement per sae, I fail to see how it applies to this situation.

[TaraMaiden]

You are sooo being taken for a sucker.

She has everything she could possibly want at home - and a nice convenient extra dick to whet her whistle, when she wants it.

Nice touch. I have normally seen it the other way round, but it obviously works the other way too, with a guy being taken for a convenient patsy, instead of the gal.

 

Just proves one thing: Anybody can be a damn idiot, no matter what gender.

[jwi71]

Random thoughts...

 

An A is not a lie of omission especially when her H knows "enough about you to hate your guts". There are outright lies there now.

 

Taking a job that gives frequent contact with her H is patently stupid.

 

This has become done twisted dance with you threatening to tell and her reply and round and round we go.

 

I doubt she has ANY intention of leaving. People who want a D hire a lawyer and get one. People who don't - don't.

 

My advice:

 

Walk. Life's hard enough as it is. Find a partner who WILL stand beside you and shout from that rooftop.

[RickFox]

 

I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance here, as I have read on some threads here that I should have a timetable, but quite frankly, I'm willing to wait for her to sort that out for herself.

 

Reassurance? I will assure you that you won't ever have her as your own, she's got you where she needs you and if need be, will find a suitable replacement for you.