I think my husband is in love with our sister in law?

[freethinking]

I have no idea how to begin this...it is the night before Christmas eve and I had to leave my mother in laws house and come home for a little while before going back and dealing with my feelings. I can't tell if I am just suspicious and emotional, or finally putting pieces together. Mu husband and I have been together for two and a half years, we got married this past September. We have an amazing relationship and I can honestly say we can talk about anything...except this. This is the one topic I am afraid of bringing up because I know if my suspicions are true, I will leave him, since there is no way of fixing it. My sister in law is literally the most genuine and kind person I know. EVERYBODY loves her instantly, she is all around sweet, charming, reliable, honest and well...perfect. My brother in law does not treat her as well as she deserves, either. He brought her over from Japan and finally let his true colors show when she was stuck here with him. She is subservient and loyal, so for the past 8 years, she has stuck it out with him...even though none of us would blame her if she bailed on him at any point. In their early years of their marriage, before I knew any of them, my husband lived with them. My brother in law would be stationed all over the country for work, and my husband spent a lot of time with my sister in law since they were alone in the house. I think this must be the time he might have fallen in love with her. My husband is a very conservative, quiet person and does not open up to many people, at all, regarding his feelings. As in...me and her only. At first, I saw his closeness and devotion to my sister in law as sweet, like a genuine brother-sister relationship. As the years have worn on...I feel really uncomfortable with it. NOT because I think either of them would ever act on such feelings. My husband IS the -much- better catch of the two brothers, highly intelligent, loyal and kind. Everything his brother isn't. I know for the sake of everybody involved, he would never even own up to feelings if there were any (but I can tell when he is lying....he isn't good at it, and I am afraid if I ask him, he will lie to me about it, thus revealing himself...or worse, go against his usual tendencies and be honest). I love them both a lot...but it hurts me when he looks at her like she is the most amazing person he has ever seen, or that he texts her more regularly than me (about mundane little things, like "hows your day going, what are you guys up to? etc...)which sounds petty...but if you knew my husband, you'd know it isn't like him to inquire about your day and what not. He won't even call his mom to see how she is doing when she is home alone for days on end, unless I remind him to. I hate that they have so many little inside jokes, which used to not bug me at all...but since our "inside jokes" don't get him going that much, I cant help but wonder at the extra animation he expresses with theirs. Its also in the way he talks about her...like she is the epitome of goodness. Which, she is...but I can't help but feel "less than" in this obvious admiration/devotion. I also have recenetly discovered that they talk about me when I am not there...about personal things. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have had private conversations with ALL of my brothers in law combined, which never crossed lines where their wives were concerned. Not that she is judgmental, but I am sure he goes to her to vent and what not and she gives her advice or whatever. At least, thats the typical pattern I have observed in their discussions about me (Yes...I even read through their texts...I know...) Today, I overheard it in person. I can't tell if I am just over reacting to a close friendship between a brother and sister, or if I am stuck in the middle of a sad love triangle where all three of us are the losers. **I should also note, I do not have low self-esteem. After reading through my post, I can see how I might come across that way. Whereas I LOVE my sister in laws personality/character,I do not wish to be her. I personally prefer to voice my honest opinions over what is pleasant to hear, I refuse to raise my children in a religion I do not believe in or get married in it simply to make extended family feel better (a hot topic in the family...very conservative Catholics, my sister in law is off the hook here because she can't have children and married her husband half way across the world...i wasn't so lucky and am the villain for it...). I know my husband loves me and appreciates what I bring to his life...I just can't help but feel that deep down, he wishes he'd met her before his brother did.

Edited December 24, 2012 by freethinking
forgot to mention something

[coffeebean201]

There is risk..... falling in love with someone.

 

There is risk...... in going out with someone, or marrying someone.

 

There is little risk....... falling in love with someone slowly over time - when they are a member of your extended family.

 

 

So no matter how much your husband thinks he has fallen in love with her....... he hasn't truly put much at risk.

[freethinking]

Intellectually...I know he understands this. We have spoken about it many times. We both have had past relationships that didn't work out (obviously) and we have discussed in length various philosophies as to what exactly love is, and our perceptions of its various forms. I know he understands that should he feel infatuated or loving towards somebody else, it cannot prove to be the real deal until it has been tested. I sense that if I am correct in this regard, his love for her is due to the ONLY positive experiences he has had with her, the the belief that hypothetically, they could have had a great life together.

[GSB81]

Don't confront him about this just yet. Simply observe. You trust your husband, and that's great. But... theres something not quite right here and people are full of surprises.