sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Okay, so I've posted on here before. Quick sumup-been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now, ldr. Recently, we have been having lots of issues. My boyfriend (if you'd call him that now) has been having a tough time in school, almost failing out. We went on a little bit of a break, and we agreed to take things slowly once we started to talk again. We are in a ldr because of school, but are from the same hometown. So over the holidays, we are both home. I was nervous at first to see him. The first time I did, everything was great. Then I brought up my feelings after we hung out. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He said part of him is saying that he wants to be with me because we are so good together and have so much fun together, but the other part says no, because the distance sucks but mainly because he's stressed 24/7 at school. The past 4 months he has taken his stress out on me. He is always studying, but he says he takes his stress out on the people closest to him (me and his mother). Typical for people who do not know how to deal with stress effectively. He says he is scared and afraid that things will go right back to how they were when he was at school...crappy. It's frustrating because it's awesome when we are together..like this break has been so awesome thus far! It just sucks because even he admits he becomes a completely different person when he is under stress...which I don't really blame him..this is grad school and his future. I decided that I need to give him his space but be there for him. At the beginning of this I was very emotional about everything. I realized that that pushed him in the opposite direction. Guys don't like overly emotional girls. He said that he just doesn't want to hurt me like he did the past couple of months because of his stress. I agree with this, it isn't fair for me to take on another person's stress, I can help them and be there for them but it isn't MY stress to deal with. It is just frustrating because we are so good together. His mother adores me and says that I am exactly the type of girl she wants her son to marry. Anytime I ask him any questions about us or the situation, he just says "idk". that's all I ever get. I truly do believe he doesn't know. He is in the stage of figuring out who is he and trying to achieve his future. I don't want to put any pressure on him to decide and I feel like that's what I've been doing I have stopped being that whiny, I need to know what we are right this second kinda person. I settled down and just realized I need to just be happy. He probably isn't going to make any decisions anytime soon. The bad part is that, I just got home from his house...and his mother gave me a christmas present. He said that he did not want to exchange gifts. I mentioned how it was weird that his mother got me something but he didn't. He responded with "i don't think it's weird" I should add, he's an only child and only got both his parents sweatshirts for christmas, that's it. He hates christmas shopping. I can't help but feel a little sad inside that he didn't wanna spend any time and effort on me for christmas, even just a card. But I stopped myself from saying anything more to him about it because i'm trying to not be like that anymore. Is it wrong to feel a little bit disappointed? I mean, I know we aren't officially dating anymore, in fact I don't really know what we are because he doesn't know. I love spending time with him, but I do need to be independent, sort of make him chase me kinda thing. I've been reading a lot about that sort of thing. I do notice that if I ignore him, he hates it and fights for my attention. Sigh, any advice would help Happy holidays!! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Why is he struggling in his program? How many years is his grad program? I think these two questions are critical to your overall plan. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 The past 4 months he has taken his stress out on me. He is always studying, but he says he takes his stress out on the people closest to him (me and his mother). Typical for people who do not know how to deal with stress effectively. [...] He said that he did not want to exchange gifts. I mentioned how it was weird that his mother got me something but he didn't. He responded with "i don't think it's weird" I should add, he's an only child and only got both his parents sweatshirts for christmas, that's it. [...] I can't help but feel a little sad inside that he didn't wanna spend any time and effort on me for christmas, even just a card. [...] Is it wrong to feel a little bit disappointed? I mean, I know we aren't officially dating anymore, in fact I don't really know what we are because he doesn't know. I love spending time with him, but I do need to be independent, sort of make him chase me kinda thing. I've been reading a lot about that sort of thing. I do notice that if I ignore him, he hates it and fights for my attention. It's apparent from your description that he's spoiled, selfish and immature. This happens to an only child when the parents aren't aware enough of developmental processes to compensate for him not having siblings. He has never learned the give and take of socialization, that relationships are a two-way street, that he and his needs are not at the core of the universe. A child who is throughly socialized integrates the concept that giving is as pleasurable as receiving, and that the more you give the more you receive. When I say integrated I mean that it is so deeply entrenched that it is part of who they are. He's missing this because he never had to negotiate the complexities of socialization with siblings to get what he needed. It was always granted unconditionally by the parents and now he expects that the rest of the world will treat him the same way. You are not wrong to feel disappointed. Reciprocity is key to a healthy relationship. There is some truth to the push-pull theory but you don't really want to be in a relationship that's based on having to always withdraw to get what you need. Nobody can tell you what to want or what to do, but I would suggest that you consider changing his paradigm in a rather abrupt manner, and then decide whether or not it's going to work out for the long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Balzac----He didn't graduate from undergrad, he went straight into the accelerated program. They have multiple exams a week, sometimes 4/5 days of the week. He is struggling to keep above a C average. The material is hard, maybe he isn't even cut out for it? The program is an accelerated year-round program for 2/3 years. The sumers are spent in rotations as is the last year. Sal-I agree completely with what you are saying. I see the selfishness when he didn't put any effort into his parents gifts either. I wouldn't say I'm always withdrawing. I would say I'm always available and drop everything just to talk to him or see him. He knows this. I was just trying to come up with a plan to change this about myself. Be not so available. Any ideas on how? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 A LDR seems perfect for people who have busy lives. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Sal-I agree completely with what you are saying. I see the selfishness when he didn't put any effort into his parents gifts either. I wouldn't say I'm always withdrawing. I would say I'm always available and drop everything just to talk to him or see him. He knows this. I was just trying to come up with a plan to change this about myself. Be not so available. Any ideas on how? I think you misunderstood. I'm not saying you're withdrawing now, but you mentioned it as a possible strategy. I think you're right in that he needs to take less for granted with regard to thinking that you're always there and him not needing to do anything much about meeting your needs. But while this may change the dynamic in the short run, do you really want a relationship in which you have to do the push-pull, withdrawal thing to get what you need from him? How to do it... just take your good ole time when he expects you to be there at the snap of a finger. Let him wonder what you're up to and what you might be thinking and feeling. If you're not officially a couple then you're free to have a social life separate from him--not that you should actually go out with other guys (unless you choose to), but it might do him good to understand that it's a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
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