EmptyHeartGirl Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Hey Everyone It's been a long time since I posted about what's been going on with me since I ended things with MM. I have been checking in quite often and have responded to a few posts here and there, but have had no real desire to post myself until now. It has be 15 months since I last communicated with fOM and it will be a year in Jan since he last communicated with me (I did not respond). It has been a really rough year just trying to get over the guilt, the hurt, and the emptiness I have felt. I have been in counseling and it has helped, but can;t seem to bring myself out of my depression, the holiday season has made it worse. After reading some of the posts I've decided to make a new years resolution to pull myself out of this funk, that 2013 will be a happier and more productive year for me. I also have some lessons learned that I plan to take with me and promise to never make the same mistakes again 1. Never date a married man 2. Take your time and get to know someone fully before being intimate 3. Always pay attention to a persons actions and not their words 4. Don't allow the words I love you to cloud my judgement 5. Never put someone else's happiness above my own Does anyone have any other key lessons that they have learned? Wishing you all a very happy holiday! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 1. Be fierce, always. 2. Make sure your heart is guarded. It's your most valuable resource. 3. Count the blessings first. 4. Be brave. 5. Let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) Hey Everyone It's been a long time since I posted about what's been going on with me since I ended things with MM. I have been checking in quite often and have responded to a few posts here and there, but have had no real desire to post myself until now. It has be 15 months since I last communicated with fOM and it will be a year in Jan since he last communicated with me (I did not respond). It has been a really rough year just trying to get over the guilt, the hurt, and the emptiness I have felt. I have been in counseling and it has helped, but can;t seem to bring myself out of my depression, the holiday season has made it worse. After reading some of the posts I've decided to make a new years resolution to pull myself out of this funk, that 2013 will be a happier and more productive year for me. I also have some lessons learned that I plan to take with me and promise to never make the same mistakes again 1. Never date a married man 2. Take your time and get to know someone fully before being intimate 3. Always pay attention to a persons actions and not their words 4. Don't allow the words I love you to cloud my judgement 5. Never put someone else's happiness above my own Does anyone have any other key lessons that they have learned? Wishing you all a very happy holiday! Hi Empty, Sounds like a good plan and great lessons! I do hope the New Year is a fresh and awesome new leaf for you . Many of the lessons I've learned are the same as your own. I agree wholeheartedly with all of them. I'll also add: 1. Pay attention to red flags (but also, taking things slowly, as you said, helps towards even seeing them. As rolling full speed ahead makes it very hard to see these things and react to them). 2. Protect your heart (taking it slow also helps here). Take the time to know if someone is deserving of your heart and your trust. It's easy to give those away and get caught up and by time you do, usually instead of seeing the facts, you end up hellbent on justifying the situation and this person's behavior because you've already invested emotionally. So many times you hear "But I love him...". Which is usually a sign that this person has given their heart and trust away already, so just cannot accept what is in front of them, as they want their "love investment" to pay off. Don't date married men also sums everything else up for me. The rest of my advice applies to any dating scenario...but dating a married person is a special breed of problems and my only unique advice about that is "Don't do it!" Edited December 24, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Hey Everyone It's been a long time since I posted about what's been going on with me since I ended things with MM. I have been checking in quite often and have responded to a few posts here and there, but have had no real desire to post myself until now. It has be 15 months since I last communicated with fOM and it will be a year in Jan since he last communicated with me (I did not respond). It has been a really rough year just trying to get over the guilt, the hurt, and the emptiness I have felt. I have been in counseling and it has helped, but can;t seem to bring myself out of my depression, the holiday season has made it worse. After reading some of the posts I've decided to make a new years resolution to pull myself out of this funk, that 2013 will be a happier and more productive year for me. I also have some lessons learned that I plan to take with me and promise to never make the same mistakes again 1. Never date a married man 2. Take your time and get to know someone fully before being intimate 3. Always pay attention to a persons actions and not their words 4. Don't allow the words I love you to cloud my judgement 5. Never put someone else's happiness above my own Does anyone have any other key lessons that they have learned? Wishing you all a very happy holiday! Hi...I think #1, 2, 3 and 5 are very important in any situation...however I have to disagree with 4...in an MM situation that would be very true...but if u stick to #1 shouldn't b an issue right?...however, in a normal R with an available honest man I think the words I Love You would have great meaning...just don't close ur heart out to someone who says I Love You and actually means it... 15 months and ur still depressed?...omg...I can't do that...how long was ur A???... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Hi...I think #1, 2, 3 and 5 are very important in any situation...however I have to disagree with 4...in an MM situation that would be very true...but if u stick to #1 shouldn't b an issue right?...however, in a normal R with an available honest man I think the words I Love You would have great meaning...just don't close ur heart out to someone who says I Love You and actually means it... 15 months and ur still depressed?...omg...I can't do that...how long was ur A???... I can't say what Empty meant...but what that means to me is that saying I love you to someone doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Which goes back to listening to actions not words. Almost every OW/OM has had "I love yous" or said to them and it wasn't really true or the actions weren't there to prove it. Likewise, this happens to women dating single men as well. I think you should be able to see and feel someone's love and not just buy into the concept because someone utters the words. Lots of men also know some women swoon at those 3 words and purposefully toss them about to get their way with them. It does cloud some women's judgment when they hear those words, even if nothing is behind it and some men play that like a harp. But I think if all other advice is followed of taking time to know someone, looking at their actions etc. then you won't just fall into the empty words trap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyHeartGirl Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 MissBee was on target with what I meant. Just because someone is single and says they love you doesn't mean it's true either. I have dated single men who who have said those words and didn't really mean them. So it applies both ways.Taking your time and getting to know someone, paying attention to their actions is the only way to truly know how someone feels. I don't hold any weight with the words I love you anymore. If his action reflects it he doesn't need to say the words, (lesson #3) With regards to the affair it was about 5 months, but we had been friends/collegues for 2 years, and yes I am still dealing with depression although I can't say it is all attributed to him, but I am still dealing with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 MissBee was on target with what I meant. Just because someone is single and says they love you doesn't mean it's true either. I have dated single men who who have said those words and didn't really mean them. So it applies both ways.Taking your time and getting to know someone, paying attention to their actions is the only way to truly know how someone feels. I don't hold any weight with the words I love you anymore. If his action reflects it he doesn't need to say the words, (lesson #3) With regards to the affair it was about 5 months, but we had been friends/collegues for 2 years, and yes I am still dealing with depression although I can't say it is all attributed to him, but I am still dealing with it. Yepp. I learned that lesson too. "I love you" for some is just a matter of course. They feel as though they should say it, so they do, even if they haven't the foggiest idea what it means or aren't prepared to show it. It's like saying "I'm sorry". The words alone mean nothing, which is why it is a bit comical to me when parents force reluctant kids to give disingenuous apologies . People say I'm sorry quite often and don't mean it but figure if they say it, they can continue to do the same thing or get away with other things or have that person shut up about their wrongs. Likewise, the words "I love you" are not magic. You won't be struck by lightning if you say it and don't mean it and many people say it and think they mean it, then some know they don't mean it but say it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 1. Be fierce, always. 2. Make sure your heart is guarded. It's your most valuable resource. 3. Count the blessings first. 4. Be brave. 5. Let go. Good additions, although it's hard to "let go" if we are "guarding our hearts" too carefully. Therefore, I'd like to add one: Don't let the past mistake of one deceitful married man, hinder the future success with a decent single man. Right now, I'm sure many of us OW are mistrusting and question the motives of every man out there. These fears and insecurities definitely show and can push away a good guy. There has to be some left out there, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 We don't know what's in store and it's probably better that way. However, we can all make swear that we don't ever date a married man again. That way we can ensure that at least 2013 will not be worse than 2012. If he tells you he a rotten lousy liar and happy to cheat on his wife.. believe him. He is being honest with you in a funny way. Never expect anything more. Cat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 In 2013, I am going to learn to live alone without a man. I refuse to pursue any relationships until (1) my divorce is finalized and (2) I feel stable enough in my own skin to stop flip-flopping from man to man and figure out what I really want. I want to focus solely on my career and the promotion that I worked so hard to get and suddenly feel so despondent about. And, I want to reconnect with my family and friends. The last six months or so have been brutal and I've hurt a lot of people -- including myself and I'm going to fix those relationships. I want to make amends and begin the process of putting my life back on track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyHeartGirl Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Thanks to everyone who has responded, you have given me a few things to add to my list. We don't know what the future holds, but for me having some goals to work towards in the new year can only help. I agree to a certain extent with NA34, we shouldn't totally shut our heart to love, but they have to work for it. Why? As Promises mentioned it's a valuable resource and because we're worth it, settling for less is just as bad as settling for someone else's husband IMO. SecretFlower I'm also trying to get back in tune with myself, and there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes you need that. Best of Luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
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