Changes made yet failed. Should I move-on?

[spooky48]

Hi,

I posted here before on other threads. I made some positive changes in my life for which I'm very proud of.

 

However, I'm posting again because, I still have a couple of unresolved situations now that a lot of time has passed & the changes were implemented.

 

I come from a family which I only see now on holidays, other occassions. I do not see my sister & her family due to her not wanting any connection with the rest of us. Yet, she always comes when she needs money, help with her 4 kids or she has some issue with her husband who's 20 years old than her w/ 2 grown kids of his own & an ex-wife that is money-hungry. She just claims w/ the drama w/ them she only wants to live her life with her own family. She state she doesn't want to be bothered w/any of us (meaning our regular family). That is an issue that makes me sick. She knows how she's HURTING our family by not bring her own 4 kids over. My parents, my brother & myself want to see her kids but, she will not give. We did not do ANYTHING to her or her husband. This is another story though that I am not going on about. I've just accepted the fact I don't see her kids unless it's what I just stated above. She still owes me money which I won by default judgement in court because she never showed up. She has many other legal problems too but, I am not going to go into them. It's embarrassing as hell all of the things she & her husband put us through. I only want us to see her kids b/c we truly care about their welfare, well-being & love them.

 

For myself though, I do see my parents (who are still married & neither of which were divorced/separated for over 45 years now), my brother & his family & other relatives (Aunts/Uncles/Cousins). However, like I stated, I do not see them unless it's a holiday (& even that time I see only some), a funeral or some other type of occassion. We all were raised as strict Roman Catholics, utilizing our traditional family values yet, as each of us grew & developed our own families, our opinions changed. That's life though.

 

You could say it is sad & I will agree but, you can NOT change people, make them love you nor make them even want contact/connection with you. This truth has taken me a LONG time to realize. Just as there's NO such thing as a Norman Rockwell family where everyone's always together, loving each other & caring. That's just plain bullcrap. That took me an even LONGER time to realize & to put my humiliation aside for the pain my sister has caused us (& still is b/c we want to see the kids but, she won't budge b/c of her indifference, immaturity & disgusting ways).

 

Now, what I am asking frankly to the point is actually 2 questions:

 

1) As a grown, independent (lived on my own since age 19, paid for college, have a career many years now & have travelled the world on my own expenses) woman, should I distance myself even further & live the new year approaching with even more changes to my own life, not caring about people that don't give a fig about me anymore? I just don't want drama in my life. However, when the holidays do approach, I am finding it harder & harder to make plans. It's sickening to be alone.

 

2) The 2nd point being is just this: When it comes time for my parents not to be around anymore, or they're too sick to do anything really, what should I do? I do not have these relatives & family members to count on. My Mom & I talked the other day about it. She & my Dad are just too old & tired for anything. They don't even want to bother doing simple tasks. So, it's like, for an example, when the Christmas holidays approach, I'm finding myself really scrambling at the last minute to find a house to go to that would want me there. I've actually spent a few Christmas Eve's too, at my home alone because, either everyone had their own plans or did not want to be bothered. This happens EVERY holiday. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving & sometimes summer holidays are the worst for this. I do have a roommate. He & I are only FRIENDS. There is no love, connection, physicalities or chemistry there. We work together at the same company but, different hours & units. We've even travelled to European countries together. He has quite a large extended Italian family, I've been to a few gatherings with him but, it's just not the same as being with your own family. I get very, very embarrassed going to his place when we're not dating, they ask us questions, it's hard. Then, I see how happy they all are & I get very, very miserable internally thinking how pathetic everyone is behaving in my own. I just don't want to be without plans but, I feel like I'm scrounging around. Even extended family members rarely call nor want to meet-up, it's like it's a big problem, or work. Ridiculous but, it is their life.

 

So, I was questioning what I should do for the future?

1) ALL and I mean ALL of my friends are married with their own families.

2) My brother & his family only invite me over the day before or after the holiday, so he doesn't have to be bothered the day of. He does that with my parents too.

3) My sister doesn't want any contact with us. That's a whole other matter.

4) My extended family doesn't want to be bothered because they feel it's fake, phoney & that they all have their own lives.

 

So, I did something crazy. I researched adoption, invitro fertization procedures and other types here: IVF : Reproductive Science Center – New Jersey.

 

I really want a family of my own.

I want to be cared about, thought of & most of all, loved.

 

I have been very, very, very unsuccessful on dating websites.

I have done the club, bar, shore route, which I don't fit-in with.

I have been to sporting events, volunteered, church groups & other types of groups (meetup.com) based upon my hobbies.

I just don't feel as though I am meant for partnership, marriage.

 

That's why I am thinking of either adopting or having a child without a husband (since I am unloved).

 

What are all of your thoughts on this?

How do I get over my "holiday depression" when I know I am unwanted by my family because of what I just stated?

 

To summarize too, I'm 39, never married, no children, a college graduate (I have 3 degrees & working on my fourth), work at a career with the government/state so, I'm secure, stable, practical, responsible, reliable. I do have interests so, I do go out & not live my life on a computer but, I just am alone ALL alot at the groups, or out b/c I have no single friends or family that cares. I am quiet, shy, reserved, a good listener, etc.

 

What do you suggest & does anyone in my age group have this problem? How do you get over it?

What do you do?

 

Thanks for reading & listening. Any suggestions will be appreciated.