venusianx13 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) Okay, not sure where to post this exactly because it's not a problem I have with my boyfriend, per say, but with his female friend. I'd venture to say that she and I are acquainted at this point, but here's what happened: On Friday, my BF and I went out to meet up with his friends at a lounge/bar for his good friend's birthday. When we arrived, he acquainted me with one or two people I hadn't met before, and the female friend I mention was there. My first impression of her back when I'd originally met her in July was that she was very nice and I enjoyed her company. I was surprised with her behavior as Friday night commenced, though. There were 5 of us who sat down at a table to chat, and she was one of them. I understood that the three guys at the table (my boyfriend, included) were all friends of hers. However, she kept making remarks to my boyfriend about she and him traveling to Germany together for Octoberfest at some point in the future (insinuating that they should). She also said (to him) that they should move to California (because they have better beer there??). He didn't respond in kind to any of these things, and I understood that it was all silly and hypothetical, but WHY would you say things like that in front of a guy's girlfriend? I have male friends, and I would never dream of saying things like that in front of their girlfriends (or at all, for that matter). In addition to this, she was loud, wouldn't let anyone else at the table speak (would ask people to stop speaking when she felt she had something more important to say, actually) and just pretty much dominated the table and conversation, as well as mildly flirting with all of the men at the table (pinching their cheeks, hugging them, etc.) I grew more quiet as the night went on, as sitting beside her was quite physically and emotionally draining to me. I told my boyfriend after we'd left that I was really uncomfortable with her, and he agreed that she was out of line in many ways. I don't feel threatened by her, but I do worry about having to hang out with her again. I am not the type of person to judge, in fact, I told my boyfriend that I thought she was very smart and that I could see her good qualities as a friend, but these type of people absolutely drain me. Her personality was very reminiscent of women I've encountered in the past that I've had to distance myself from. I imagine that since my boyfriend shares her as a friend with several of his other friends, I will have to see her. I'd really love to avoid it, but I really like his other friends and enjoy being social. The thing is, I don't know if I can just sit there and hold my tongue next time... Thoughts? Should I just leave my thoughts with my boyfriend? Should I avoid situations where she is present? I really don't have any kind of tact when faced with situations like this. Edited December 24, 2012 by venusianx13 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Okay, not sure where to post this exactly because it's not a problem I have with my boyfriend, per say, but with his female friend. I'd venture to say that she and I are acquainted at this point, but here's what happened: On Friday, my BF and I went out to meet up with his friends at a lounge/bar for his good friend's birthday. When we arrived, he acquainted me with one or two people I hadn't met before, and the female friend I mention was there. My first impression of her back when I'd originally met her in July was that she was very nice and I enjoyed her company. I was surprised with her behavior as Friday night commenced, though. There were 5 of us who sat down at a table to chat, and she was one of them. I understood that the three guys at the table (my boyfriend, included) were all friends of hers. However, she kept making remarks to my boyfriend about she and him traveling to Germany together for Octoberfest at some point in the future (insinuating that they should). She also said (to him) that they should move to California (because they have better beer there??). He didn't respond in kind to any of these things, and I understood that it was all silly and hypothetical, but WHY would you say things like that in front of a guy's girlfriend? I have male friends, and I would never dream of saying things like that in front of their girlfriends (or at all, for that matter). In addition to this, she was loud, wouldn't let anyone else at the table speak (would ask people to stop speaking when she felt she had something more important to say, actually) and just pretty much dominated the table and conversation, as well as mildly flirting with all of the men at the table (pinching their cheeks, hugging them, etc.) I grew more quiet as the night went on, as sitting beside her was quite physically and emotionally draining to me. I told my boyfriend after we'd left that I was really uncomfortable with her, and he agreed that she was out of line in many ways. I don't feel threatened by her, but I do worry about having to hang out with her again. I am not the type of person to judge, in fact, I told my boyfriend that I thought she was very smart and that I could see her good qualities as a friend, but these type of people absolutely drain me. Her personality was very reminiscent of women I've encountered in the past that I've had to distance myself from. I imagine that since my boyfriend shares her as a friend with several of his other friends, I will have to see her. I'd really love to avoid it, but I really like his other friends and enjoy being social. The thing is, I don't know if I can just sit there and hold my tongue next time... Thoughts? Should I just leave my thoughts with my boyfriend? Should I avoid situations where she is present? I really don't have any kind of tact when faced with situations like this. it sounds like you already did everything ok; you were polite and quiet even though you could have said something, and you mentioned it your your bf right away - two great things. i wouldn't bring her up again to your bf or ever talk down about her - it'll make you appear petty and insecure and you don't want your bf to see that (even if it is true). perhaps the next time ask your bf in advance if X will be there and, if so, tell him you don't feel comfy going if she's the group. i'm sure there are many things he/his friends do together where she won't be a part of it. you'll still have the chance to socialize with his friends and missing just a few things here and there to avoid this person isn't a big deal. this is a common thing, i believe. many women could care less that a guy is out with his gf and openly flirt in front of their partner. handle it like you did - with class - it makes you the better person all the time :-) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I think she viewed you as a threat to 'her guys'. She was being teritorial. That means that at some level of her subconscious she views some of those guys as 'backup' guys. Weather or not she will actually move and do this is another matter. It's a good thing that your bf judged her as 'out of line'. It means he is no fool and you picked well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 She absolutely was territorial. I have a hard time understanding women who behave this way, I really just don't "get" it. And yes, for once in my life, I chose an amazing man. I probably won't be able to avoid her indefinitely, but at least I can feel assured that my boyfriend won't respond to her ridiculousness. Link to post Share on other sites
RedHead33 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Her behavior was inappropriate, maybe even brought up with drinking, but mention to your BF that it made you feel uncomfortable, and next time, he should make a comment that you are coming to Octoberfest as well or something like that. Or maybe next time, you could make a joke or say what you're not inviting me. That should shut her up. Whether dating or married, there are always people that will hit on your bf/ husband in front of you as some don't have shame and it is up to you to speak up. If you man is not standing up for you (keep in mind he needs to know how this situation made you feel) that he is not a man for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 She was definitely intoxicated, and we all knew it. After we had left, my boyfriend actually said she was being obnoxious (true). I don't worry about her whisking him away to Germany without me - he would never go (without me, that is), but at any rate...I think he was as surprised by her behavior as I was. He remained pretty quiet and didn't respond in kind to any of her silly comments or failed "advances" but I am grateful that he was able to recognize how uncomfortable she made me feel and that she was way out of line. I'm not worried about her, per say, just about having to deal with that again. Hopefully it will be a long time coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Well, if she was drunk and those guys were truly her friends, they'd tell her how she was like when she was drunk and sincerely advise her to watch her alcohol. I wouldn't mark this against her personality necessarily. Some people really do a 180 personality shift when they're drunk, and are perfectly fine once they've learnt to manage their liquor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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