Question of Marriage.

[triangle]

Here I am asking a question beyond complication. I am more or less wanting a womans point of view, but any point of view would be of value. I have been with my wife for 8 years. We have been married 2. We met in highschool and held on to each other since, well.... after a few turns in the road. Right out of high school I cheated on her. We broke up for 5 months with me doing the old "ill never do it again, I love you' routine day and night. I meant it and still I never have. We got back togethor and had a wonderfull daughter. Lacking oppurtunity we moved from our small town to a large city, where we both were continuing our education. I started a full-time job to pay the bills and she watched our daughter. The job I had required me to be gone on the weekends to sell goods. I did a good job and took my job seriously. One weekend back I arrived to find my wife very distant. She handed me a note that said "I'm not in love with you anymore' It was a shock. My heart sank and I didnt know how to take it, I mean our sex life was lacking but I thought that somewhat normal of alot of long term relationships. I decided to leave the city. I left behind all our possessions that I had purchased for us, and made sure her rent was paid for four months. The weekend after I left I rented a room back in the city so I could see my daughter, when I came to pick her up I noticed she was outside with my wife(who was not married to me at the time) and noticed they were with another man.(during this time I did not date, I was too heart broken.) He was a handsome fellow with a brilliant smile. It turns out my wife met him in class and was absolutely facinated with him. The weekend thing continued with me coming and watching my daughter at a hotel while my wife went out with her new man. I still loved her but It seemed that the new guy had too much to offer, more than me it seemed anyway. It was a very hard time for me, I was crushed emotionally and my dignity was gone. I continued to support her becuase she had my daughter. As if It was not hard enough I overheard my wifes childhood friend telling another girl that my wife was having a great time and the sex was off the charts. Like I needed to catch that conversation.

Well I started to hear about the guy bieng the typical home wrecker and voiced that to my wife. She didnt want anything to do with believing that, so I kept it too myself. I watched his patterns of lies and so forth while picking up my daughter and it was hard not to say anything. Sure enough later on she had enough and dumped him. Well long story short my wife decided she wanted me back, I was in love with her so of course I happily took her back. Soon later we were officially married and I began to continue my education and full time work shedule. We had a second child, a well built boy. Keep in mind all this took place in a matter of two years. During that time we got back togethor the sex has been once a couple weeks, and it seemed as though I were begging her. I have always took care of myself and I am sure other women find me physically attractive, just not my wife I think. We dont cuddle because she isnt in to that type of thing she says. And I often wonder if she is just existing with me, and not really enjoying it. I ask if she is in love with me and enjoys our marriage, and she says' of course', but somehow I dont believe her. I am torn down emotionally becuase she does not want to cuddle or have sex with me, and I am sick of thinking it is something wrong with me. On the other hand I could not leave my children because my father left me, and I know how it feels. Do you think it would be better for us to end the marriage? What do you think I can do? Did we get togethor to young? Has there been to many negative things that have happend? I am not happy and needing help, thank you.

[meanon]

I think it's very unlikely that she would have married you if she didn't care for you. But clearly there are problems.

 

I ask if she is in love with me and enjoys our marriage, and she says' of course', but somehow I don't believe her

.

 

Well, that's not surprising in the circumstances. Do you understand why she fell out of love with you? These things don't always happen for a reason but for her to have re-gained her feelings for you suggests she was either mistaken or that you have discussed what the problems are and done something about them.

 

Don't end the marriage while you are uncertain about how she feels. I suggest that you address the problem. Tell your wife you feel unloved and that you need her to express her feelings for you more, whatever they may be.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old where you when your Father left? Did you see much of him? I know of many couples who have split up and the kids adjust fairly quickly as long as they can maintain a good relationship with both parents. Maybe your experience is untypical.

[batitm]

I would suggest seeking marriage counseling to discuss your feelings.

[jmargel]

You need to see a marriage counselor. You are now associating with the lack of sex with her falling out of love with you again. That's normal for you to feel that. Have you asked her why she doesn't have the sex drive again? Whatever caused the first affair, hasn't been dealt with. Until you deal with that issue (not the topic of the affair itself, but the issue on why it happened) it will resurface. A good counselor will help you in this.