kiababy Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Ladies, have any of you been through a divorce? I'm an OW too, but everytime I see comments about how MM should leave their wives if they're so unhappy.....gosh, you guys make it sound like changing jobs! Divorce is not like packing your desk up Friday, saying goodbye to your co-workers and then reporting to the new job bright and early Monday morning.....it's sheer HELL!!!! Beth 5201 - you posted about your situation, perfect example of what I'm talking about. Oh well, good luck to all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fran_H Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy Ladies, have any of you been through a divorce? I'm an OW too, but everytime I see comments about how MM should leave their wives if they're so unhappy.....gosh, you guys make it sound like changing jobs! Divorce is not like packing your desk up Friday, saying goodbye to your co-workers and then reporting to the new job bright and early Monday morning.....it's sheer HELL!!!! Yes, I have been through the most awful divorce. I wanted a divorce , my H didn't. It cost me a huge amount of money and I also suffered badly with depression because my H would not accept it was over. Years later he is still blaming me for everything bad that happens to him. I carried on with the Divorce because I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore and it was making me miserable. So yes, I know what its all about. The only thing that was on my side was the fact that I knew I would never lose custody of my children. I am not sure of the laws in the US, but here in the UK the mother is pretty much guaranteed custody, unless she is doing something REALLY bad. So IMO if MM tells you that both parties are unhappy in a relationship then there is no reason in the world why they would or should stay together. Its like Pocky said there is always joint custody. But I think the marriage stays together because he is making out its worse than it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Bourget Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 For some MM it easier to get caught than it is to confess. I went through this very same thing with my OW. I would go anywhere with her, almost hoping to get caught and to let people see us together. I often thought of one of my W friends seeing us and telling her but I didn't care. It was kinda like easing the stress and tension of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Are you still with your OW? Did you eventually get caught? Did you tell anyone about your affair? I wonder because my MM told his boss and coworker about me and asks me to leave him voicemails on his cell for them to listen to. Just wondering what's behind it. He was caught last fall btw when a previous OW called his wife and told her about their affair. I woudl be surprised if he actually wanted to get caught again because he says it was hell. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 I left my man a message that I am here for him when he needs me. That is all I can do. It hurts me beyond belief that I have been waiting 2 yrs for this (we both have) and now he shuts me out when it comes down to it. Like you said, it is hard...but how hard is it to send me an email saying he needs space? I am so hurt. I have tried all I can and need to let him be. Does it mean that he does not love me? It has been 3 weeks and no explanation? I am assuming he is stressed. But he knows I am torn up and does not care. Maybe that is selfish, but it would mean the world if he could call me and tell me he is ok and so are we, I just need to give him space. I have stopped trying to contact him becasue it hurts too much. After reading what you told me last time, I try to imagine going thru all that and it is hard. I just hope he still loves me. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I promise you're doing the right thing. If it's any consolation, my other MM - the one getting divorced - did not contact me at one point for 6 months. Of course it hurt at first because I really cared about him, but what he was going through was something he needed to deal with so I left him entirely alone. Eventually he started contacting me again and telling me how much he missed me. I never called him. Today, he's much further along in the divorce process and wants to rekindle our relationship. He also apologizes a lot for not keeping in touch. What did I do in the meantime? I didn't wait for long - I started seeing other people and moved on with my life. Unfortunately I moved on to another MM but that's a different story.... Live your life; he will probably come back when he's ready - and not before. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 But you probably agreed to him not contacting for a while right? He did not even decide that with me...he just did it. Oh well. I guess Iwill move on and give him some time to miss me. How did you go so long without contacting him. I need to get out and do things for me i guess. I never knew how emotionally draining this would be. Ihave never been through anything like this. Ilove him so much. I just wish I knew what I could do for him. Were you sad for a while when you first stopped contact? I am afraid he will forget about me. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I didn't agree to anything Beth. We never discussed it...one day we had a conversation that ended with him saying "I'll call you tomorrow..." and then two weeks later I was wondering what the hell happened. But I refused to call. What would be the point? I didn't want to be with anyone who didn't want to be with me; and I sure as hell didn't want someone I had to NAG to talk to me. Yes I was very sad during that time but there was nothing I could do for him. And let me add too: he is NOT the same guy I was fooling around with over a year ago. Now the true colours come out. Watch out for that Beth - what if your MM turns out to be one of those guys that only keeps in touch when it's convenient for HIM? But you didn't notice before because he had the 'cover' of being a married guy who couldn't contact you whenever he wanted? That's one thing I discovered about MM#2 - he's unreliable. He makes dates and breaks them all the time, so I sure as heck don't feel guilty about doing the same when I'm not 100% into seeing him. Just so I make it clear - I can always count on my current MM to be there, call etc. when he says he will. You know, it's probably just a personality thing. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 so does that mean that you are not with the one that stopped calling??? Did he EVER call? How were you so strong to not call him after he said "I'll call tomorrow" I guess I need to see that I do not want to beg someone to call either? GOod point. Someone else will appreciate me. I read what you said about him changing. The thing is...he has not lived with her for 2 yrs and still does not find the time to call that much. it is not like he has to sneak out of the house to call. HE lives elsewhere. Another thing that hurts is that last time he needed space, he only called when I stopped and then was wondering why I did not love him, who I was with , etc. Why do guys not respond when you cry to them and need to talk, but when you give up, they come back? weird? I admire you for being so strong. But it scares me to think you arenot with the guy anymore and he never called. And by the way, it has ALWAYS been about when things are convienient for HIM. Thanks for your thoughts. I am not going to chase. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Actually honey, after that long 6 month period he did start calling again, but I never again initiated contact with him first. The reason your MM calls when he doesn't hear from you is all men like the chase. They appreciate more what they have to make an effort to have. In the past 2 months MM#2 has tried to rekindle things with me, and he invited himself over to my house to spend the night this week, mainly because he lives 2 hours away and it would be too late for him to drive back home at night; but I cancelled. I've got this whole other thing going on - my current MM who I have now been with a year - and my heart just isn't with MM#2 anymore. And by the way, it has ALWAYS been about when things are convienient for HIM. .....don't expect him to change....... Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 how long were you with #1 and how in the world did not not want to call after a week-month-5 months?? I get these urges! When he did call, what the heck did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I've known him for 2 years so I guess I saw him for one year then pretty much moved on to current MM when I stopped hearing from him after a while. When he did call that first time after months of no contact...all he could do was apologize for being a d**k and an a**hole and told me how much he missed me, what was going on with his divorce....etc. I made it clear from the beginning that I would continue to date other people, so he knew I was never sitting around waiting for his call. I also let him know that if I was still single when he got the legal stuff sorted out....we could really get to know each other. So now he's at the point where the mediation is going forward, issues are being settled. I'm going to take my time getting to know him this time around, I don't want to get caught up with a guy on the rebound either, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 Jeez, guys... How can you REALLY TELL if your MM is being sincere? Mine is taking me away for the weekend...I mean, that's a big deal, right?!?! All these little things he's been doing lately that he didn't do before, I can't figure out what the hell he is doing?! Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I don't believe that ALL MM are scheming liars, single men can be just as sincere/insincere as married guys. I've been on the dating scene for 6 years!!!! It's only been the last 2 or so that I've been around married guys and there ain't that much difference. Just go with your gut instinct, time will tell how sincere he really is. My own father married his OW so I know it does happen. But am NOT expecting that to happen in my situation. Have a great weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
teclo Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 You could be me...our situation sounds exactly the same...my MM has started telling all of his friends about his "girlfriend" It makes me feel a little strange because part of me is flattered that he would take that chance and than the other part makes me think he has no intention of us ending up together or else he wouldn't expose me so that people could repect our relationship when we can be together. He also claims to be in his marriage for his kids. ARE ANY OF US CONCERNED THAT WE MAY BE DATING THE SAME MAN? Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 You could be me...our situation sounds exactly the same...my MM has started telling all of his friends about his "girlfriend" Oh man, my MM started telling his boss and coworkers about me about 5 months ago. He also asks me to leave voicemail messages on his cell for him to play for them...and even had me talk to one of the guys and confirm our relationship. I wondered what was behind that also, never found a satisfactory answer. Link to post Share on other sites
teclo Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 I was also suppose to go out of town with him and his coworkers this week. I am kind of glad I didn't. I don't know how it makes you feel but I don't really want to put on display as his "mistress"...are our MM living in a reality??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 19, 2004 Author Share Posted August 19, 2004 Teclo - I know what you mean re: wondering if we're dating the same man. Tell me generally where your MM is, and we'll go from there... (I'm nervous too!) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts