The OW mentality.

[Catplates]

A while ago I ended a long term A.

 

My feelings for xMM faded quickly but as time goes on I find I am left with the feeling that I am still an OW,

 

I would love to be free of this feeling and just be " Me" again, like I used to be.

 

The above explanation may not be adequate, but it's the only way I can describe it.

 

Any advice would be appreciated,

 

Cat

[MissBee]

Not sure what you mean.

 

What is this "OW" feeling? Do you feel ashamed for having participated and is that what's looming over you?

 

Or is it something else?

 

I can't say I had any particular "OW feelings" that lingered post-A. Even during the A, I woudn't say I strongly identified with the "OW" label. I just knew I was not his main relationship priority and I didn't like that...but because we didn't have to sneak around and do some classic A things and also because he wasn't married, I don't think there was as much stigma. Perhaps if I had to do those things and that was the situation it would have been a lot more emotionally taxing for me. I'm not sure of the advice to give, just because I'm not sure about what you mean. If you could try to explain a bit more, that would be helpful.

[veryhappy]

A "while ago" might not be enough after a long term A. I'm 3 months out of a 1.5y A and was actually thinking a few days ago that I simply do not feel like the OW anymore. That's definitely in the past. The lines are not blurry anymore, and complete NC had to do with that.

 

What keeps you in OW mode?

[Catplates]

Cutedragon,

Perhaps it's the fact that he contacts me now and then.

 

I never felt the need to go NC by changing phone numbers etc. We stopped seeing each other and

 

He emails sometimes to say hello. I don't respond.

 

We had a 5 year A and it has been over for 18months.

 

Cat

[Catplates]

With a few exceptions (the rare predatory OW) this is my take:

 

OW mentality:

 

1. Wise, but naive at the same time.

2. Somewhat low self esteem manifested as seeing hope where there is no hope.

3. Receptive to smooth talking and charm.

4. More sensual than the average woman.

5. Past age 35.

6. Does not believe in marriage.

7. I never planned this

8. Trusting the wrong man over an over again.

9. Women do not own men.

10. Good ability to rationalize,

11. Mostly, innocent and naive despite prior experiences.

12. Basically a good woman that never met the right guy.

 

Thank you Pierre.

 

Married 38 years, grieving widow ( of course Naive ).

 

65 years old.

 

Not sure how sensual the average woman is.

 

Do believe in marriage and had a good marriage for a very long time.

 

Naive, receptive and innocent BECAUSE of prior 38 years experience.

 

A Mum and a doting Granny as well. Is that the good woman part do you think?

 

I am sure you got bits of me enacapsulated in there... I just had no prior experience.

 

Cat.

[egalew]

Pierre - Good list. That last one: "Basically a good woman, but hasn't met the right guy," is so true, but quite depressing.

 

The ex-MM would always say things like: "You have heart of gold." "You're a great mom." "Good person." All things I've heard from other people.

 

I can't help feeling that he saw those qualities in me and took advantage of them.

 

I'll get over it, but meanwhile.....

[cherryflower]

I guess "at a vulnerable point in her life" could be added.

 

Recently being widowed, divorced, or just feeling lonely for another reason, makes you vulnerable for the affection which the MM offers. It seems safe in the beginning, he doesn't come too close so you don't get scared, and it's often exactly that that makes you bond more with the MM.

 

I entered my affair during a long divorce process. I knew at that time that I wouldn't be able to start a new relationship, but I was craving for affection. And what I thought, was just a fling, turned into a long-term affair.

 

At the moment I'm severing both. My divorce will be final next month, and I've decided that my affair has to end too in the near future. It hurts though and feel terribly lonely. But I know now that a married guy will not be able to fill that loneliness. I'd rather be lonely on my own for a while now, than lonely with a MM.