Caldespair Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Blindside today. Joint account online revealed wife hired divorce lawyer for $7500. It's been 3 weeks since our argument (she hates my family argument). We have been together over 20 years, fortunate life, 2 teenage girls, and what I thought was a decent marriage. I actually still love her and would want to reconcile. Question is now that I know she's lawyer up, do I try to talk her down from a costly ending? Or do I now need to hire a lawyer? I'm can reluctantly accept the end of my marriage. However I hate to spend all the money - on lawyers when I will happily split everything in half. Need money for our college freshman, and our soon to be college girl. Any suggestions ? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Heart Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Despite the cost, please consider getting a lawyer. You will be in better control of the details that are entailed in the separation process. You will get some good advice from a professional and the cost is worth it. She didn't mind spending the money so you shouldn't either. They're details that need to be handled and you may not want her to have full control. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 You can call around to find an attorney who will give a free consultation. It shouldn't be difficult to find one. He should be able to tell you what a judge would allow - based on incomes, investments/real estate, etc. I can tell you first hand, attorneys are a waste of money. To be able to agree (in writing), is the best way to go. And at a time of complete agreement: then you should be represented. (Unless she's definitely going ahead with the divorce $7500 is an expensive way to go). Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Blindside today. Joint account online revealed wife hired divorce lawyer for $7500. It's been 3 weeks since our argument (she hates my family argument). We have been together over 20 years, fortunate life, 2 teenage girls, and what I thought was a decent marriage. I actually still love her and would want to reconcile. Question is now that I know she's lawyer up, do I try to talk her down from a costly ending? Or do I now need to hire a lawyer? I'm can reluctantly accept the end of my marriage. However I hate to spend all the money - on lawyers when I will happily split everything in half. Need money for our college freshman, and our soon to be college girl. Any suggestions ? Thanks Google "Collaberative Divorce"...u have to find a lawyer that's trained and approved to do it...and ur wife's lawyer has to be trained and approved as well...I'm divorcing now...we are doing Collaberative...my H paid $6000 retainer to his lawyer when he thought we would litigate...I only paid $4000 to mine when we decided on collaborative...he will get $ back...I agree that h should both have attorneys...collaborate is the cheaper way if u and ur wife can agree...my lawyer specializes in collaborative and she said 95% of divorces never make it to a court room anyway...there's also a book my lawyer recommended on collaborate divorce...it's called "Divorce without Disaster"...you also have to be 100% sure that Collaberative is agreeable to both u and ur wife bc if u get to the end of the Collaberative process and u can't come to an agreement...u have to fire ur Collaberative attorneys and hire new ones in another firm, pay new retainers, and start all over...after u read up on it let me know if u have any questions and I'll try to answer...it's definitely the better wag to do for everyone, kids included...and it helps u and ur wife have a better co-parenting relationship afterwards...good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Are u in the US? What state? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Get the drop on her and file first. Do it tomorrow. Don't talk about it. Don't threaten. File and get your motions on the record. Scorched earth. Once that's done, get with a planner and your lawyer and work up a PlanB and identify the one goal of this action. You decide the goal. If I had two daughters, I know what the goal would be. YMMV. Good luck and my sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 get the drop on her and file first. Do it tomorrow. Don't talk about it. Don't threaten. File and get your motions on the record. Scorched earth. Once that's done, get with a planner and your lawyer and work up a planb and identify the one goal of this action. You decide the goal. If i had two daughters, i know what the goal would be. Ymmv. Good luck and my sympathies. ymmv???... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-ls-terminology#post2797379 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Ok gang. I thought I would be naieve and send my sbxw this letter, in hopes we could do mediation or collabrative divorce and save $$ for out kids future. Fun stuff on xmas! I have not sent it as I wanted some input. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=4][COLOR=#222222]I am contacting you after Xmas as your requested. [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=4]I was a bit baffled by the charge for $7,500. I thought we discussed mediation on the phone. My thoughts are do you/we want to spend money like this on lawyers? From my reading up on it, it will only get more expensive. [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]Mediation would be the cheapest way to go. Also there is collaborative divorce, where we each have our own lawyer, but it is much cheaper. In the case of collaborative divorce, the lawyers have to be trained for it.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]You must think that I would not be forthcoming in any financial settlement thus the protection of a lawyer. I think we can agree on this one thing: I love our girls, they are the focus of my life now, and I would not muck things up. I am an honest person and have not bad intentions.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]Everything is split down the middle, and we could make it so we both save.......REDACTED......[/sIZE][sIZE=4]If you could pause and think about all the **** already endured, do we (you, me, daughter 1 and daughter 2) really need to push it and go nuclear? The girls are not loving any of this. [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]With mediation we could agree on the immediate future such as accounts, who does what and all that stuff, with the assistance of lawyers.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]You want out, I respect that. But lets not make this worse then it has to be. I left messages on lawyers voice mail today, but I thought I would talk with you first.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4] [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]With respect and sincerity.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4][/sIZE] [sIZE=4]END LETTER[/sIZE] [sIZE=4][/sIZE] [sIZE=4]LS- Please give me your thoughts, be honest and understand this is my first divorce.[/sIZE] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Ok gang. I thought I would be naieve and send my sbxw this letter, in hopes we could do mediation or collabrative divorce and save $$ for out kids future. Fun stuff on xmas! I have not sent it as I wanted some input. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=4][COLOR=#222222]I am contacting you after Xmas as your requested. [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=4]I was a bit baffled by the charge for $7,500. I thought we discussed mediation on the phone. My thoughts are do you/we want to spend money like this on lawyers? From my reading up on it, it will only get more expensive. [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]Mediation would be the cheapest way to go. Also there is collaborative divorce, where we each have our own lawyer, but it is much cheaper. In the case of collaborative divorce, the lawyers have to be trained for it.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]You must think that I would not be forthcoming in any financial settlement thus the protection of a lawyer. I think we can agree on this one thing: I love our girls, they are the focus of my life now, and I would not muck things up. I am an honest person and have not bad intentions.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]Everything is split down the middle, and we could make it so we both save.......REDACTED......[/sIZE][sIZE=4]If you could pause and think about all the **** already endured, do we (you, me, daughter 1 and daughter 2) really need to push it and go nuclear? The girls are not loving any of this. [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]With mediation we could agree on the immediate future such as accounts, who does what and all that stuff, with the assistance of lawyers.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]You want out, I respect that. But lets not make this worse then it has to be. I left messages on lawyers voice mail today, but I thought I would talk with you first.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4] [/sIZE] [sIZE=4]With respect and sincerity.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4][/sIZE] [sIZE=4]END LETTER[/sIZE] [sIZE=4][/sIZE] [sIZE=4]LS- Please give me your thoughts, be honest and understand this is my first divorce.[/sIZE] Sounds good to me...just make sure y'all will be able to agree on everything prior to signing the collaborative agreement...or it will cost more to start over... Not only will y'all each have separate lawyers in collaborative...there will also be a mental health professional in all meetings (normally a family therapist) and a financial planner...only one of each so they are impartial and help both of you...you can't see them individually on the side...it's a really good process I think for all involved...my lawyer encourages it even though she would make a lot more money litigating?!?!?...must be something to that right?... Why in the world did you call your wife's lawyer???...he/she can't tell u anything anyway...the first thing you need to remember right now is the minute ur wife wrote that $7500 check...u and your wife became legal adversaries...be very careful what u say, what u do, and who u do it with...if u live in a state with "standing orders" that apply to all people while divorcing...READ THEM...twice...google it...if u cant find any for ur state google it for Texas...has some good stuff u should do anyway...everything u say and do can and will be used against you...especially if she has some crazy idea that she'll get more than she's legally entitled too...my H did...until both our lawyers said "give it up"...50/50 that's it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 18 years- I did not call her lawyer, it was not clear how it came out above. In letter I was saying I left vm for a lawyer for myself- hard 2 get one sooo fast. But thank for all the good info on the collaborative div. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Hiring an experienced litigator is not about the viscious dawg factor, it's about thorough discovery. There are no secrets in divorce whether it be by judicial decision or an agreed settlement entry. A capable, experienced lawyer will always try for an agreed settlement. You've not mentioned whether you hold a regular [salaried] job or own a business. In a long term marriage, retirement savings and often inherited funds will come into play. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 Balzac Thanks for the advice. 20 plus year marriage, one minor child 16. I do now a business, it's incorporated(not sure this is relevant). I spoke with her today, told her about collaborative divorce, she will let me know if it interst here. But your fnn right I need to fnn protect my ass. Balzac, I have not made a depost in last 3 weeks into business account. I am carrying a subst amount of business checks and will not deposit until we agree, in writing, with her lawyer also and mine, to some basic procedures. Assets include house, retirement accounts, sep ira, 529 accounts, trading accounts. If she ****ed with these accounts I would go ballistic. Thanks for your warnings and your right, sbdw are fnnn looney. All this due to a argument ?. I may turn to same sex relationship, women are not to be understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 Also hard to find a lawyer during the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Don't put anything in writing unless you run it by your lawyer first. Especially on what you're willing to give her. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamless Sleep Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Get a lwyer ASAP. You're not getting out of this without paying a fortune. My STBXW discussed an amicable equal split. Refused to give me a monthly support figure for me to give her. Depleted a huge savings acct. Then melted down during the most simple of discussions. Thinks that I'll give her the house, half the retirement and other assets and support for 10 years. Her lawyer suggested 'lifetime' support to her. I let her know that I'd be leaving the country first. She hired (I payed) for the best firm in town $350/hr. I hired the next best also the same rate. I told her that I was filing for divorce. She freaked when served papers. I'm 20k in the hole and we've hardly started. I hoped to be divorced before Christmas. Now I'm hoping for Easter. She freaked out when I included her jewelry and her mother's house (I bought and renovated and let her stay for free) in our estate inventory. She wants the money intended for my 3 kids college fund included in marital assets. Good times Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamless Sleep Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Don't put anything in writing unless you run it by your lawyer first. Especially on what you're willing to give her. Doesn't matter. But you should think carefully. Consider all discussions to be a negotiation. Much like a poker game Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Doesn't matter. But you should think carefully. Consider all discussions to be a negotiation. Much like a poker game What do you mean it doesn't matter? If its in writing and he's overpaying because the law says he's overpaying then he just screwed himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamless Sleep Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 What do you mean it doesn't matter? If its in writing and he's overpaying because the law says he's overpaying then he just screwed himself. If it's informal and between the spouses it is not enforceable. Just as if I were to be vastly underpaying her, she can file and have the balance of a 'fair' support amount be retroactively corrected. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Balzac Thanks for the advice. 20 plus year marriage, one minor child 16. I do now a business, it's incorporated(not sure this is relevant). I spoke with her today, told her about collaborative divorce, she will let me know if it interst here. But your fnn right I need to fnn protect my ass. Balzac, I have not made a depost in last 3 weeks into business account. I am carrying a subst amount of business checks and will not deposit until we agree, in writing, with her lawyer also and mine, to some basic procedures. Assets include house, retirement accounts, sep ira, 529 accounts, trading accounts. If she ****ed with these accounts I would go ballistic. Thanks for your warnings and your right, sbdw are fnnn looney. All this due to a argument ?. I may turn to same sex relationship, women are not to be understood. She shouldn't be taking any money out of bus accounts for personal! If you two cannot settle beforehand, her attorney would probably have the business appraised, which incl assets/liabilities, accounts, tax returns, real estate - and seek settlement partially based on that .. Believe me it can get very lengthy. You're on the right track to try to settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 An appraisal by several specialists is very common. IF her attorney is worthy he will hire a forensic accountant. Prepare for discovery with your experienced attorney. Make sure he has handled litigation involving closely held, private entities. You can find such attorneys. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Dude, you are WAY BEHIND right now! The $7500 isn't a consultation fee, that's a retainer fee. She's planning on raking you over the coals. And with your "nice guy" attitude, she's going to get whatever she wants and leave you holding the bag. Sorry to say this dude. But, she's looking to screw you over. Once she gets everything and leaves you living in a cardboard box, THEN! She'll think about being nice to you. But, not before she secures her living and financial future. This is all about her right now and she's going to be selfish about it. Therefore, you need to get yourself a bulldog lawyer. Someone with a damn good reputation for defending mens rights in divorce. This is now a war and you need to have someone that's going to go to bat for you. Is it going to be expensive? Yeah, probably. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a small price to pay for your own living and finanacial future as well. GET A LAWYER TODAY!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Be methodical in searching for an attorney. You have time. Nothing happens overnight especially in divorce. Problem w women is they have this dependency gene. Probably thinks the attorney will protect her. Attorney or not, legally she's not entitled to anymore than mathematically half. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Be methodical in searching for an attorney. You have time. Nothing happens overnight especially in divorce. Problem w women is they have this dependency gene. Probably thinks the attorney will protect her. Attorney or not, legally she's not entitled to anymore than mathematically half. LEGALLY, she not entitled to more than half of the martial assets. But, the child support and probably going for the max on alimony which would tip the scales highly in her favor. There are guys that can weigh in here and say that the Ex wife has retained the martial home (and the principal is split in half IF, and only if, she sells the house), is the primary parent, and retain the family car. While some guys pay half of their paychecks to their Ex wives living in a one bedroom or a studio apartment and living from paycheck to paycheck, driving a crappy car and BARELY getting by because they allowed themselves to get screwed over. Get a lawyer dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 I'm going to change my ways and handle this sbxw by getting a lawyer. I think it's been such a shock for me (living in hotel, miss my kids. Miss MY f,,, house and My dog). After 20plus years this sucks. Having trouble sleeping, eating, BUT, every day gets just a but better. If she was sane she would see the logic (she's not) of how large costs for lawyers are going to mess out kids up. Link to post Share on other sites
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