smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I have been dating a guy for 2 yrs who has a two year old and has been sep for 2 yrs with a divorce in progress. I havenever been married and have no kids and I imagine he is stressed, but if he cared for me, wouldn't he speed thing up no matter what he would lose? He "says" that they are 100% getting divorced and live a part, but they are fighting over everyting and cannot agree. If he loved me, wouldn't he just say "who cares" and give her what she wants? The latest problem(and this has happ before) is that he is ignoring me! He has not called in 3 wks. WHen he gets overwhelmed he shuts down and needs time, but never tells me this. I know his div was coming to an end and he mat not get 50-50 custody as he wanted. Do I quit trying to get ahold of him til he com,es around? He is ignoring me alltogether? I miss him, but I also am upset he has forgotten about me while he takes care of his life. Any opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Hi Beth, I have been with my partner for two years and he has been separated for five years. He is not divorced however he is going ahead with it now. I do feel it is important for him to be divorced even though he was separated long before I met him. However legally divorce is not a simple issue in this country and you have to be 5 years separated to file for divorce. However in your case I do think you are more concerned that he is not contacting you whilst he gets on with 'his life'. I would find that worrying. irrespective of what is going on win his life ignoring his partner is not a good factor in any relationship. I think it is important to sit down and have heart to heart discussion on what is really going on here. Divorce or not something is amiss here don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 GOod suggestion about a talk with him, however he will not even answer me! He does this until his stress in under control. I cannot deal with this though. It hurts to much and makes me feel so unimportatn! thanks for your reply. I think I need to move on since he will not talk about it and I am going crazy waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I'm an OW too but I have been through a divorce - it took three years in total to get it finished with. I have also dated a man who was separated and is now going through a divorce. Even when the parties want to be apart, divorce is a horrible gut-wrenching process. Families are being ripped apart, children (in your case one child) will have their lives turned upside down and there is a tremendous amount of guilt involved on all sides. You said it yourself that he is overwhelmed, so why would you be stressing him with your needs right now? By not contacting you he's asking you to leave him alone and give him some time. It's easy for you to say that he should give his wife what she wants - because you're not the one making decisions that you have to sign papers for, that will be binding probably for the rest of his life. Stop calling him down - when he does contact you, let him know that you UNDERSTAND he needs to get things sorted out, and that you'll be there for him if he needs you, no matter what. Give the guy space. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I hope that some of the OW who are waiting for their MM to leave their wives will read your post and see what REALLY happens if the guy does decide to end his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Good point Kia although in this case I think she said he was already separated two years. As the marriage was over I think the pain is when the couple actually split rather than the divorce except of course where there are young children involved. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 The guy I'm talking about was separated for about a year and a half too - it's the FINALITY of the actual divorce process that gets to you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Kia ny experience was different. I was separated 6 years before I got my divorce and I have to say the actual divorce had no big emotional impact, it was very straightforward. It was the time of parting that had a huge emotional impact on my life. However in saying that I did a lot of work to heal that wound in the meantime. I do know for others it is a completely different experience . Endings are always difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
sara1974 Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I've been dating a separated MM for 2 years also and still no divorce. We live together so im not worried that he'll go back to his estranged wife but still 2 years later and no divorce. He quoted me on 8/11/04 that he will recieve the divorce papers in 2 weeks and they will be served.hummm we will see. I'll let you know what happens in 2 weeks.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 I cannot tell you how much you helped me. I have never been married and do not have any children so it is hard for me to put myself in his shoes. I know he struggled becasue of his son and I am sure the finality of it is very hard! I have stopped bugging him to call me and sent him a nice email saying I am here when he needs me. I still think he could have warned me that he needed space instead of cutting me off? But we all deal differently. Thank you so much. It is hard for me to understadn all of this. I know he loves me, but all my friends say, if he loved you, he would call, but I know him and he deals with things on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 my guy got his papers a year ago and says he prob has another year to go....3 years total. It is tough, so expect delays!!! GOod luck! But it all depends on the situation Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 mine only took about 16 mos. with working out custody, etc. we did the mediation thing to save some money, might have saved a little time but i'm not sure. it was all stressful but so much of a relief when it was all over! and my dh's relationship survived with his OW. Link to post Share on other sites
sara1974 Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Thank you Beth 5201 Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 You did the right thing - your friends mean well, but they re not taking into consideration the seriousness of the situation. He will appreciate you soooo much more for giving him some time to sort things out. If he has the feelings you say he does, he will start to miss you too - biggest mistake women make - not giving a man time to miss them. When he misses you, he'll call....and tell you about all the times he was thinking about you and WANTED to call. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Without knowing your MM it's hard to make generalizations about what exactly you should do at this point. While you should take everyone's advice and feedback under consideration, only YOU know him well enough to make the final decision. Yes, some men get withdrawn when they're stressed and they need space. Has he said to leave him alone? I know you mentioned you've had trouble getting in touch with him so, yes, this could be the case. As a friend, not an OW, I've helped several male friends go through their divorces. And in each case, although they withdrew and at first didn't want to talk about it, they were angry, frustrated and embarrassed by it all, I pushed the issue. Granted I was just a friend, and didn't have as much to lose, but they each told me later that they couldn't have made it through the process without my listening. Not to give advice but just to listen. He may need his space and if that's the case, you need to give it to him as others have suggested. But some men (and women) don't find it easy to talk about what they are going through. And as much as it may make sense to go to NC, and that may be best, again, I don't know your MM, but depending on your relationship with him, no longer contacting him could end up making him feel like you've given up, abondonded him in a way. I know the NC tactic is one that many use, personally, I don't like playing those games, but that's just me. I know they work for others. Use your best judgement of what you know of him and your relationship and go from there. Try not to take his lack of communication personally and if he doesn't want to talk then that's his choice and there really isn't much you can do except let him know that you're there when and if he needs to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
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