Online Friendships: Why do people have them?

[writergal]

I'm just curious to hear from people what they benefit by having friendships with people online whom they will never likely meet.

 

Would you have an online friendship with someone you know you'll never meet? If so, why or why not?

 

I've tried to have a few online friendships with little success because I need to know that my friends are accessible in person.

[Keenly]

Well, Ive met many people like this playing online games. Back in the day, when halo 2 first came out. I met a group of people from an area around 200 miles from where I live, that merged with my group of friends online.

 

Right now I know 2 guys, one lives in florida and the other in canada, and I'd say we are pretty good friends based on the amount of time we spend playing games / shooting the breeze. Maybe I'll see them one day, but who knows.

[SunandMoon]

I've have/ had a few online friends. I have two more active ones which I speak to reguarly, or did, (one was a woman I had feelings for that was in a relationship...and it ended poorly as far as us communicating. :/ ) the other I speak to pretty often via text. I have online friends, because, well, sometimes you meet people you otherwise wouldn't on the internet and you take a shine to them; just like any other friend. Yes, there is a physical distance, so one could argue it is a lesser friendship than that of real life one, in the same manner some view LDRs. I just don't see why I wouldn't have online friends just because there is that disconnect, it doesn't mean I shouldn't associate with them, could be missing out on a potentially delightful/fun/interesting person.

 

I've met a few people online in gaming that I like in Phantasy Star Portable 2, and (have) enjoyed their company/companionship, I dunno, I guess my overall opinion is; why the heck not. And I don't have many friends where I am right now, all my best ones are to the east, so there's that, too.

[Anela]

I might be moving in with a friend that I met online about eight years ago. There are others who live in my State, that I had planned to meet last year, but things got in the way on my end, and theirs.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I never really planned to have an online friendship. It just happened. I met her on LS and we have been corresponding for nearly 3 years. We have probably gotten closer as time went on and now write every day.

 

As to why? I feel that very few people get me on an me emotional level like this girl does. She never judges me or calls me crazy. I feel like I can tell her anything and be completely myself with her. Maybe if I was a more "mainstream person" and felt like I can connect with many people in real life, I wouldn't bother. She simply makes my life better.

[SweetThursday]

Because there are great people all over the world, not necessarily in your neighbourhood. It's that simple.

 

Sometimes, on weekends, I literally spend 8 hours a day talking with my best friend in Argentina, and the conversation never dries out. We've known each other for five years, and I honestly tell her I can't imagine my life without her.

[Harradin]

I did a lot of gaming, I made a lot of friends, ended up having a couple on Facebook who I talk to every now and again. I do miss some of the people I did have as friends on there, as I never kept in touch with them and wonder what they did with their lives.

[sweetkiwi]

Before arriving in Italy i rarely was online. But here i only have a handful of fiends. All much older or much younger. So i continue my long term friendships ONLY online.

 

I have met a couple friends on forums and i might even be meeting one next year!! Sometimes youre just drawn to peoples words. Their outlook. Energy.

[writergal]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I get that online gaming, online dating and online forums can connect people who otherwise wouldn't offline. That's why pen pals exist. Right? Don't get me wrong, if online friendships ore relationships work for you that's great. I just have a different opinion, based on my own experiences with online friendships and I wanted to hear from people to see if I was missing something about the value of having online friendships.

 

I get that online friendships seem real. But I have to disagree. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s when the only way I could make friends or talk to them was at school, through 4H Club, summer camp and church. We talked on the phone or wrote letters and sent them to each other via snail mail. There was no cable tv, no internet with instant messaging or cell phones available which is why online friendships don't seem real to me.

 

Online friendships are two dimensional, offer limited information (which may not always be accurate or true), and are easily disposable if/when conflict occurs. For example, you can block, delete or give your online friend the cold shoulder if they write something that upsets you. You aren't really committed to that person as their friend if you've never met. You have nothing truly invested except online communication, which isn't much without that offline relationship.

 

For me, a real friendship has three dimensional qualities like tone of voice, facial expression, physical gestures and physical contact, not to mention the offline relationships with the friend, their family, and their other social networks offline.

 

My experience with online friendships is that they offer limited information and promote a false sense of intimacy. What I mean by limited information is: just how much do you really know about your online friend? You've never met their family or friends or coworkers. You don't know what the inside of their home or workplace looks like, what kind of clothes they wear or their favorite restaurants or art museums or comedy clubs are because you've never been to those places with them. The only information you have is what your online friend chooses to upload in their online profile, or writes to you in their emails, Facebook posts or Skype messages.

 

With offline relationships, you have the whole picture. You have the three dimensional elements that help you feel true intimacy, trust and help you develop a real friendship versus a virtual friendship.

 

And what I mean by false sense of intimacy is the two dimensional words on a screen. Words typed on a screen are just words. There's no tone of voice, and without facial expressions, physical gestures and real time context, it's easy to misconstrue the emotional content of a message from an online friend. Whereas in real time, if you misunderstand something, you can ask your friend and gain understanding by the tone of voice their use, their facial expressions, and gestures they make as they talk.

 

True emotional intimacy happens when two people can be emotionally open with each other to reveal their true feelings, desires, hopes and fears. Writing heart felt emails or posts on an anonymous forum isn't the same. Getting advice from strangers online (even if you perceive them as close friends) is like taking in empty calories. Where is the payoff in your real life? (You still are strangers, no matter how much personal information you divulge because you haven't met each other offline, in real life. Do you know what your online friend's voice sounds like? What makes them smile, or grimace? )There can't be a real payoff with online communication because you are still complete strangers to each other.

 

Lastly, what if something happened to your online friend, would you even know about it? Like, if they went to the hospital? Would their family or friends know to contact you? Highly unlikely if your online friend's family or friends don't even know you exist.

 

I think that's why I haven't been successful with online dating or with online friendships. My expectations are that if a person wants to be with me, or be my friend then they will actually want to meet me in person and spend time getting to know me offline. I can't invest in online friendships if I know I'll never meet the person eventually.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm just curious to hear from people what they benefit by having friendships with people online whom they will never likely meet.

 

Would you have an online friendship with someone you know you'll never meet? If so, why or why not?

 

I've tried to have a few online friendships with little success because I need to know that my friends are accessible in person.

 

 

I have been truly blessed by those whom I have met on line (my LS family:love:). They live all over the world and a few right in my backyard. We stay in touch via email, phone calls and good old snail mail. I've had the pleasure of meeting some of them in real life. I have also been able to support them (and they me)through some really tough times in their lives. They encouraged me when I wanted to give up while in school and prayed for me when I asked.

[writergal]

I have been truly blessed by those whom I have met on line (my LS family:love:). They live all over the world and a few right in my backyard. We stay in touch via email, phone calls and good old snail mail. I've had the pleasure of meeting some of them in real life. I have also been able to support them (and they me)through some really tough times in their lives. They encouraged me when I wanted to give up while in school and prayed for me when I asked.

 

Ah but the difference with you is that you MET your online friends. I"m strictly talking about online friends whom you never meet in real life, for whatever reason. I'm glad that you seem to be the exception, having met your LS friends in person.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I get that online gaming, online dating and online forums can connect people who otherwise wouldn't offline. That's why pen pals exist. Right? Don't get me wrong, if online friendships ore relationships work for you that's great. I just have a different opinion, based on my own experiences with online friendships and I wanted to hear from people to see if I was missing something about the value of having online friendships.

 

I get that online friendships seem real. But I have to disagree. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s when the only way I could make friends or talk to them was at school, through 4H Club, summer camp and church. We talked on the phone or wrote letters and sent them to each other via snail mail. There was no cable tv, no internet with instant messaging or cell phones available which is why online friendships don't seem real to me.

 

Online friendships are two dimensional, offer limited information (which may not always be accurate or true), and are easily disposable if/when conflict occurs. For example, you can block, delete or give your online friend the cold shoulder if they write something that upsets you. You aren't really committed to that person as their friend if you've never met. You have nothing truly invested except online communication, which isn't much without that offline relationship.

 

For me, a real friendship has three dimensional qualities like tone of voice, facial expression, physical gestures and physical contact, not to mention the offline relationships with the friend, their family, and their other social networks offline.

 

My experience with online friendships is that they offer limited information and promote a false sense of intimacy. What I mean by limited information is: just how much do you really know about your online friend? You've never met their family or friends or coworkers. You don't know what the inside of their home or workplace looks like, what kind of clothes they wear or their favorite restaurants or art museums or comedy clubs are because you've never been to those places with them. The only information you have is what your online friend chooses to upload in their online profile, or writes to you in their emails, Facebook posts or Skype messages.

 

With offline relationships, you have the whole picture. You have the three dimensional elements that help you feel true intimacy, trust and help you develop a real friendship versus a virtual friendship.

 

And what I mean by false sense of intimacy is the two dimensional words on a screen. Words typed on a screen are just words. There's no tone of voice, and without facial expressions, physical gestures and real time context, it's easy to misconstrue the emotional content of a message from an online friend. Whereas in real time, if you misunderstand something, you can ask your friend and gain understanding by the tone of voice their use, their facial expressions, and gestures they make as they talk.

 

True emotional intimacy happens when two people can be emotionally open with each other to reveal their true feelings, desires, hopes and fears. Writing heart felt emails or posts on an anonymous forum isn't the same. Getting advice from strangers online (even if you perceive them as close friends) is like taking in empty calories. Where is the payoff in your real life? (You still are strangers, no matter how much personal information you divulge because you haven't met each other offline, in real life. Do you know what your online friend's voice sounds like? What makes them smile, or grimace? )There can't be a real payoff with online communication because you are still complete strangers to each other.

 

Lastly, what if something happened to your online friend, would you even know about it? Like, if they went to the hospital? Would their family or friends know to contact you? Highly unlikely if your online friend's family or friends don't even know you exist.

 

I think that's why I haven't been successful with online dating or with online friendships. My expectations are that if a person wants to be with me, or be my friend then they will actually want to meet me in person and spend time getting to know me offline. I can't invest in online friendships if I know I'll never meet the person eventually.

 

 

It's okay to disagree. What works for some people, clearly does not work for all. I am a child of the 60's so my experiences are completely different than yours. Yet, I find the friendships that I have been blessed with equally as satisfying and rewarding. They take a little longer to develop for me because I have to get information and make contact offline as well. I have been successful so far. It might have something to do with me not having a problem cutting people off in real life of online. I was married to a man for over 20 years and his emotions, facial expressions, words, gestures, 3 dimensions, tone, what he wanted me to know, wanted to reveal to me...helped me not a bit when I was being screwed over. He wasn't the only that I've met in my life who was...shall we say flat/two dimensional. Hey, just me though.

[bentnotbroken]

Ah but the difference with you is that you MET your online friends. I"m strictly talking about online friends whom you never meet in real life, for whatever reason. I'm glad that you seem to be the exception, having met your LS friends in person.

 

 

No I haven't met them all and I am a member of more than one forum. One person in particular I met online and I have visited her home several times (during football season) to cheer for our favorite team. She has a lovely husband and daughter. Another I have plans to visit in Colorado this summer. But yes there is contact off this forum getting to know one another.

[writergal]

It's okay to disagree. What works for some people, clearly does not work for all. I am a child of the 60's so my experiences are completely different than yours. Yet, I find the friendships that I have been blessed with equally as satisfying and rewarding. They take a little longer to develop for me because I have to get information and make contact offline as well. I have been successful so far. It might have something to do with me not having a problem cutting people off in real life of online. I was married to a man for over 20 years and his emotions, facial expressions, words, gestures, 3 dimensions, tone, what he wanted me to know, wanted to reveal to me...helped me not a bit when I was being screwed over. He wasn't the only that I've met in my life who was...shall we say flat/two dimensional. Hey, just me though.

 

You make a good point. Friendships and relationships aren't guaranteed to work offline more than online, because of what you went through with your ex-husband.

 

I guess I just mistrust the whole online process of getting to know someone. Half the time the person could be completely lying to you and you wouldn't know it because all you have are the words that she/he typed to you in an email or instant message. There's no guarantee in general that friendships work - whether they occur online offline.

 

I just believe that you have a better chance of forging friendships offline in real life because you don't have to do so much guess work and digging for information and it's a more natural process. When you chat online with someone, you are chatting with a virtual stranger whom you know nothing about and without those three dimensional clues, it's hard to develop trust and real intimacy.

 

Like you have I no problem cutting people out of my life online or offline.

 

I guess for me I prefer offline friendships because it feels more natural and comfortable for me. I'm glad you have positive experiences and have met people offline whom you met online.

[amaysngrace]

I met a bunch of people in real life from another forum. It was years ago but we all met up. I only had to drive like two hours to get there. And we stayed in a hotel and it was a lot of fun.

 

We were all different ages and nobody really looked like what I pictured them in my mind to be but it was definitely worth it. My husband at the time gave me a hard time about going to meet a bunch of strangers but I'm glad I went.

[bentnotbroken]

You make a good point. Friendships and relationships aren't guaranteed to work offline more than online, because of what you went through with your ex-husband.

 

I guess I just mistrust the whole online process of getting to know someone. Half the time the person could be completely lying to you and you wouldn't know it because all you have are the words that she/he typed to you in an email or instant message. There's no guarantee in general that friendships work - whether they occur online offline.

 

I just believe that you have a better chance of forging friendships offline in real life because you don't have to do so much guess work and digging for information and it's a more natural process. When you chat online with someone, you are chatting with a virtual stranger whom you know nothing about and without those three dimensional clues, it's hard to develop trust and real intimacy.

 

Like you have I no problem cutting people out of my life online or offline.

 

I guess for me I prefer offline friendships because it feels more natural and comfortable for me. I'm glad you have positive experiences and have met people offline whom you met online.

 

 

I see your experiences and expectations are different....I have to admit I have never needed to know the things you listed.....

 

You don't know what the inside of their home or workplace looks like, what kind of clothes they wear or their favorite restaurants or art museums or comedy clubs are because you've never been to those places with them.

 

Those type of things I would get to eventually if and only if the relationship develops into something that would take years anyway...at least for me. I guess there are different friends who I share different aspects of my life with and I don't necessarily need to know what some of the details are. Is the heart pure? Is the respect mutual? Is the honor strong? I think the older one gets plays a huge part in what we desire.

 

I mistrust people in general. I am a pessimist by nature so I never depend on the words (typed or spoken). I don't look for information. I feel if they are meant to be in my life(or I theirs) things will go the way they should.

[gaius]

I just believe that you have a better chance of forging friendships offline in real life because you don't have to do so much guess work and digging for information and it's a more natural process. When you chat online with someone, you are chatting with a virtual stranger whom you know nothing about and without those three dimensional clues, it's hard to develop trust and real intimacy.

 

Like you have I no problem cutting people out of my life online or offline.

 

I guess for me I prefer offline friendships because it feels more natural and comfortable for me. I'm glad you have positive experiences and have met people offline whom you met online.

I've always found people more honest about who they really are online than in person. Maybe better liars about their jobs, looks, how much money they make, how much they weigh, how many people they've slept with, but none of that is who they really are. I made a friend online one time who told me she was a woman but turned out to be a 46 year old bald, obese freemason from Washington state. I still talk to him occasionally. He's still basically the same person, just the opposite sex.

 

I don't think I've ever heard of someone wanting to see the inside of someone else's house before they decided to be friends. Maybe dating, but not friends. That's a level of sensitivity I'm not familiar with.

[writergal]

Okay the "inside of the house" was a bad example. I was trying to illustrate the finer details of one's life we don't really get to know with that as one example of online friendships. Clearly bad example on my part.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't know about others, but I am 100% honest with my online friend. In real life, I feel forced to act happier, more cheerful and more outgoing than I really am. I am closer to my online friend than to a real life friend of 9 years. I also have zero doubt that she is who she says she is.

 

Hopefully I get to meet her in summer 2013. I actually don't see a thing that the meeting would change. When you meet a potential love match, you need physical chemistry and that is often is a let down. But platonic friendships do not need that component - so can't imagine things going wrong.

[MissBee]

I'm just curious to hear from people what they benefit by having friendships with people online whom they will never likely meet.

 

Would you have an online friendship with someone you know you'll never meet? If so, why or why not?

 

I've tried to have a few online friendships with little success because I need to know that my friends are accessible in person.

 

I'm not sure what you "need" from a friendship per se...but if it's someone to talk to, laugh with, bounce an idea off of etc. online friends are suitable for that.

 

If however NONE of your friends are offline, then it's a problem, but I have a few friendships I made online that are fulfilling, in that we have great conversations, they give me advice, we skype and it's pretty normal. I also have met some of my online friends in person. I never sought out to make online friends, usually it happened through my participation in forums or social media sites where I was communicating with this person and we clicked and I was like you're cool, you seem like someone I could hang with and then we exchanged emails/messenger IDs/cell #s etc and then they became friends. I had one online friend who was a real darling. We never met in person and we haven't spoken in a while, but we just had an affinity for each other and we would send each other birthday and christmas cards and she sends me pics of her kids and sometimes little presents like chocolates/eye liner/nail polish etc.

 

I think these days it's a normal thing and just another medium.

 

My bestest lol bestfriend lives in another country and I haven't seen her in a few years, but we're as close as ever and mostly talk to each other online, phone calls, instant message on my cell, skype etc. It's not super different from someone that started out as an online friend.Some of my friends I met online (I don't consider them "online friends", as we have a relationship outside of just a forum/social media site) I share more with them than some friends I see often and hang out with.

Edited December 27, 2012 by MissBee

[SunandMoon]

Some of my friends I met online I share more with them than some friends I see often and hang out with.

 

I cut out the parentheses, but yes;

 

I chuckled at this because I have noticed that I have done the same in quite a few instances.

[Els]

I think it depends on what you define as 'friends', or how much you expect from them.

 

One of the important things that I enjoy doing with friends is talking. It doesn't matter how - online, on the phone, or in real life - the conversation I am having with them is just as real. I have had online friends whom I was/am very close to - we talk about our problems, daily life, etc. They are no less real than RL friends whom I meet every week or so for dinner and drinks.

 

I do think it is a problem to have ONLY online friends. It is also, as you note, easier to lose touch and not know what has happened to someone whom you only have online contact with. However, the lines denoting the two are not as black and white as you think. I have been a bit of a nomad in my recent years, so most of my old RL friends are now online friends due to living in separate continents. Some have lost touch, but for those whom I kept in touch with, our friendship is no less real now than when we had been in the same place IRL. I have also met up with people whom I initially met online, and that has not made our friendship any 'more' real.

 

TL;DR: I think you're pigeonholing friendship into one very particular sort of friendship, when there can be many kinds.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree with Els, to me friendship means talking rather than doing activities together. Talking can easily be done online.

 

My closest real life friend sees friendship as doing things together. She wants to see me every two weeks or so and gets offended if I suggest just talking on the phone instead...

[Els]

I agree with Els, to me friendship means talking rather than doing activities together. Talking can easily be done online.

 

My closest real life friend sees friendship as doing things together. She wants to see me every two weeks or so and gets offended if I suggest just talking on the phone instead...

 

Hahah, if I were to construe friendship solely as a relationship between two people that do stuff together IRL regularly, I'd have woefully few friends. Moving 4 times in 7 years does that to you.

[Anela]

Hahah, if I were to construe friendship solely as a relationship between two people that do stuff together IRL regularly, I'd have woefully few friends. Moving 4 times in 7 years does that to you.

 

I've been moved around since the age of six months, so I know what you mean. No one primary or secondary school, no growing up with people who have known me since I was a baby.