My ex is dating again - it hurts a lot

[blackheart]

I was married for about seven years before we seperated. We lived together for a year before marriage so really it was eight years. We seperated 1 1/2 yrs ago but stayed friends. The divorce finalized earlier this year. Despite that we ended up trying to get back together in May. That ended about one month ago. More on that in a bit.

 

Our marriage ended for a lot of reasons but primarily she left me on the hope she could get the guy she was cheating with to leave his wife. It apparently didn't work as he never left his wife. I only learned all this later and not by anything she would ever openly admit to me (long story). It was her second affair of our marriage. I forgave her for the first one and never knew for the two years she was cheating that the second was going on until after she left me.

 

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment but despite all that I started seeing her again in May as I said. Even though the divorce was fresh I thought things could work out. I never stopped loving her despite the hurt she caused me. Well about three weeks ago I got suspicious she was seeing someone. She of course denied it like she always does. We fought. She broke up with me. We were still seperated so it was easier than before. Today my kids come back from visitation (I have primary custody) and I hear all about mom's boyfriend. I called her and she admitted it although she claims she didn't start dating him until after we broke up. I don't believe that. My kids told me three weeks ago about some guy staying the night in her bed. She is pathological in her lying when it comes to affairs. And she acts like I have no right to be hurt. I want so bad to quiz my kids but I know that is wrong. They are only eight and five and they don't understand the big deal. They just referred to Jared, his name is Jared, being in mom's bed when they got up. They don't even realize the significance. And even though it was tearing me up inside to hear I just nodded and said "Oh, okay."

 

Now I feel like it was the night she left me all over again. I didn't even know it was coming that night. I get off work and there is the U-haul van and out she is going. That was one of the worst nights of my life. I almost killed myself that night. I'm not at all suicidal now. I think it was the shock then and the whole not seeing it coming that got to me the first time. I knew she was dating someone now. I just hoped it wasn't true.

 

But it still hurts a lot. Its like I never mattered to her. She told me on the phone tonight that the eight years with me were hell and the worst eight years of her life. And despite all this I still love her. And thats why it hurts so much. And I feel so pathetic because I do love her despite all she did to me. And as sick as it sounds if she came to me and said she wanted to try again I'm afraid I'd say yes.

 

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm lost. I thought I was finally getting ready to consider dating again before we tried working out this last time. Not that I have any prospects. But now I just feel so alone. And she's not. And that hurts. It was just one month ago she came to me and hugged me and kissed and told me how much she loved me. She was always a very untouchy feely person so this action really got to me. I actually thought she was telling the truth and thats when I finally let my guard down and let myself think it could work. And then off she cheats again.

[Pocky]

You need to talk to someone to find out why you keep allowing someone to treat you like this. At this point it is your responsibility to make it stop and that means not getting into a relationship with her again. If you do enter into a relationship with her then you are also to blame for her cheating on you. If we continue to let someone neglect or mistreat us over long periods of time we become an accomplice in the abuse. You are therefore abusing yourself.

 

Talk to someone to find out why you allow someone to do this to you. There's a point at which love stops and dependency comes into play.

[blackheart]

True. Very true.

 

Everything you say makes sense. And I know I do have a problem with dependency in relationships.

 

And I know that overall I'm better off without someone who would treat me like she does. I think I'm just scared of being alone. Between her and the girlfriend I had before her I haven't really been alone in almost fourteen years except for about a three month period between the ex girlfriend and the now ex wife.

 

And I shouldn't be surprised.

 

She cheated on her boyfriend to be with me. Like they are saying in the other thread - if she will cheat to be with you, she will cheat on you.

 

And I think the anger is kicking in now. Anger is such a wonderful emotion in coping. Its much easier to function being mad than it is being depressed.