How do you stop wanting him/her?

[LimeBlue]

I am new here, but I just read this thread. Your previous post has inspired me today so much, and now i read how you are still battling. I don't have any good advice, but I am truly so sorry to read your post of today I also want to thank you for writing the post above as it has done so much for me today, and because you updated your thread I found it.

[april38]

I am new here, but I just read this thread. Your previous post has inspired me today so much, and now i read how you are still battling. I don't have any good advice, but I am truly so sorry to read your post of today I also want to thank you for writing the post above as it has done so much for me today, and because you updated your thread I found it.

 

I'm sorry if my post last night deflated you a little bit. I will tell you the progess I have made though - the affair is officially over. I am now single and free of it, and that's freedom from the prison of emotionally belonging to a guy who is with someone else, and that's huge. I do believe that he will never come back to me, and I do believe I am just moving through the phases of grief, it's just taking so damn long! But when looking back at where I was when I wrote this original post, I'm in a much better and healthier place.

 

I wanted to believe that I would have found the love of my life by now and he would be a distant memory, but it's not the case. I still think of him every morning and every night and 10 times in between. But except for the 1 time I ran into him when he told me he still thinks of me first when he wakes and last when he goes to bed, and the" I love you always" birthday card I got a month ago, and also I ran into an old friend who knows about us who told me that leaving me was the hardest thing he ever had to do....except for those intrusions on my progress, the MM doesn't try to contact me. I guess the really hard part is not feeling the love for him anymore. Not thinking about him anymore. Not putting him on a pedestal in my mind. It just hurts so bad knowing I'm still alone, missing love in my life, and not in a beautiful relationship while he is living a life with his family, being loved everyday by all of them, living a full and complete life, meanwhile I'm still picking up the pieces. It's hard to swallow.

 

But even with all of that, I'm still better off than I would be if I was enslaved by an affair. I'm just frustrated and angry now, and I feel like such a fool for believing all that fairy-tale crap I believed when the affair took place, and the time after when I dreamed of him coming back to me.

[Daisy2013]

"I go through this familiar cycle of rational and irrational thought and sometimes reasonable and understanding, then dreamy and passionate, then disbelief and grief, and round and round again, but still here I am, alone in my thoughts of love for him, and can't seem to move on. HELP!! I feel like Im going insane..."

 

darling, you're describing post-traumatic stress disorder, sorry xx

 

Wow! You describe exactly how I'm feeling. I feel as if I am nuts. I'm usually rather rational.

 

I think what is helping me is that I am realizing our LC is still by his schedule. Calls me when he wants, usually only once per week. I am realizing I am not all that important to him. I am thinking he is only even still calling once per week because he isn't sure how to entirely let go or he will call until he loses interest and fades 100% away. As I am not playing the game and am keeping things formal and not personal and was not friendly when I ran into him at church, I'm sure he won't have difficulty letting go.

 

This is helping me because the truth behind the fog is setting in...I'm not that important.

[hermione08]

You stop wanting him by telling yourself that he chose to be with someone else and not with you.

He practically told you that you were not good enough.

[GettingOver]

Hi friends, so it's been 9 months since my last post, and except for 1 other run in with him back in April, I have had no contact. However I'm still suffering. I'm still stuck. I'm still angry, and still not moving forward in my love life with anyone else. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, and I can't believe how much pain still exists every single day. He is in my mind every day, and every day I tell myself I'm getting better - but I'm not. I'm still alone and sad and even though my love for him has turned into anger, it still rules my world. I don't know how anyone moves on from this. I vowed to myself I would stay away, and I will. But just today for the first time I thought to myself, I never want to see him again. And when I think I could potentially run into him at work, I rearrange my schedule so that I don't. I really want to be over him. I am now 10 months out of the A, but it still rules my world, and I know he's completely moved on in his life, back with his family. In July he sent me a birthday card that said he will love me forever. I cried for hours, yet didn't reply. It's such a mindf*&k. How do I get over this and move on?? Does anyone know? Has anyone been successful without finding a replacement? I'm so tired of hurting.....

Hi April! I just wanted to say that I hear you and wish you well. I can relate to so many things that you've said. My exMM has a lot of baggage, even if he managed to get a D he would still have this baggage, his W manipulates him, I am a catch, I am 15 yaears younger, etc. Mine also left and went back because of his sick daughter. He cried. We broke up, got back together in like ... 4 months - I couldn't breath without him, I was like a robot. But things became kinda different... I started getting unhappy.. I felt I was not that important anymore. I decided to stop it May, he promised not to contact me untill I heal. I cried but in some time my feelings sort of stepped back and I did not think of him 24/7. He did not manage to keep NC, sent a message - as if by mistake, contacted my friend... He ended up just saying that he is suffering all the time and that he never thought he couldn't handle loosing contact with me. I have to admit that I am doing better. I do believe he is suffering and I do believe the choice he made hurt him. I am single and I don't really want a realtionship with anyone else. What should I do??? I managed to live with this, there's progress. I know he did not move on at all, he is doing even worse, he doesn't want to fix his marriage and he is like a dog sitting on a chain by his house because his teenage daughter had serious problems and needs him around. Being honest with myself - I will forget him when I meet someone else (not anyone but somebody who I will fall in love with). Same happened when I met him. Basically now I am not going to torture myself by not contacting him at all, but it will be limited. I'm ok

I think the best thing you can do is doing what you like and what makes you happy, maybe traveling! I am sure healing will come - either with a new man or another life turn, or smth else . I'd say you can still want him and love him - but let it be on the background, then it won't bother you that much

[april38]

Hi April! I just wanted to say that I hear you and wish you well. I can relate to so many things that you've said. My exMM has a lot of baggage, even if he managed to get a D he would still have this baggage, his W manipulates him, I am a catch, I am 15 yaears younger, etc. Mine also left and went back because of his sick daughter. He cried. We broke up, got back together in like ... 4 months - I couldn't breath without him, I was like a robot. But things became kinda different... I started getting unhappy.. I felt I was not that important anymore. I decided to stop it May, he promised not to contact me untill I heal. I cried but in some time my feelings sort of stepped back and I did not think of him 24/7. He did not manage to keep NC, sent a message - as if by mistake, contacted my friend... He ended up just saying that he is suffering all the time and that he never thought he couldn't handle loosing contact with me. I have to admit that I am doing better. I do believe he is suffering and I do believe the choice he made hurt him. I am single and I don't really want a realtionship with anyone else. What should I do??? I managed to live with this, there's progress. I know he did not move on at all, he is doing even worse, he doesn't want to fix his marriage and he is like a dog sitting on a chain by his house because his teenage daughter had serious problems and needs him around. Being honest with myself - I will forget him when I meet someone else (not anyone but somebody who I will fall in love with). Same happened when I met him. Basically now I am not going to torture myself by not contacting him at all, but it will be limited. I'm ok

I think the best thing you can do is doing what you like and what makes you happy, maybe traveling! I am sure healing will come - either with a new man or another life turn, or smth else . I'd say you can still want him and love him - but let it be on the background, then it won't bother you that much

 

Thank you for sharing your story, and yes I think we are both in the same boat, except I don't have an option to have any contact with him, because with us it's all or nothing, I'm just too into him. Plus I know for his wife's sake, I need to be completely out of the picture and she deserves that. In the meantime I have been traveling like a crazy woman, all over the globe. And I will continue to. I think where I'm at now is just in an angry phase. I have never felt this angry before, and I hate being angry, but I know it's a natural phase of grief, so I'm allowing myself to be angry for a little while. Also,for the first time I'm actually trying to avoid contact and run ins as opposed to trying to make run-ins happen. So maybe this is a step. I don't know, I just know that I'm sick of being consumed by this, and I'm scared for myself that I'll never move on. I think you may be right though, when I do meet someone special, my heart will move on. Agh, anyway, thank you for sharing. I wish you the best!

[GettingOver]

Thank you for sharing your story, and yes I think we are both in the same boat, except I don't have an option to have any contact with him, because with us it's all or nothing, I'm just too into him. Plus I know for his wife's sake, I need to be completely out of the picture and she deserves that. In the meantime I have been traveling like a crazy woman, all over the globe. And I will continue to. I think where I'm at now is just in an angry phase. I have never felt this angry before, and I hate being angry, but I know it's a natural phase of grief, so I'm allowing myself to be angry for a little while. Also,for the first time I'm actually trying to avoid contact and run ins as opposed to trying to make run-ins happen. So maybe this is a step. I don't know, I just know that I'm sick of being consumed by this, and I'm scared for myself that I'll never move on. I think you may be right though, when I do meet someone special, my heart will move on. Agh, anyway, thank you for sharing. I wish you the best!

Thank you! I also wish you well! I am sure you will find peace one sunny day I am also scared from time to time that I might never get over him. But I used to get over "big loves" and I will either get over this one (most likely by meeting a bigger love lol) or he will make himself available. I broke up with him cause he started taking me for granted... It was my fault cause I was needy. It took a couple of months for him to realize how it feels without me at all, cause I ignored him in every way and I was hiding. But one moment I felt sorry for him, and it was never my intention to block him forever as he is a nice person. So I caved and talked to him a bit. I am sure our MM (some) are also human and they are not all that strong to choose, leave everything, etc. I am past the angry phase, I am in acceptance phase I guess... I accepted that I can'y change the situation, I accepted that he made this choice, I accepted that I cannot let go and still love him. I accepted that he is not perfect, that he is not that strong and he is struggling (still) and questioning his choice. But accepting all that gave me some sorf of peace. I don't want him at any price like I used to - I am not ready to do whaever just to be with him. I feel healthier though my feelings are not gone. I also like to travel a lot, it helps Feel free to IM me if you want

[Speakingofwhich]

The thing that has helped me the most (the first time and again this 2nd time, today w/same man both times) is

 

1. Remembering the incidents that brought severe pain.

 

2. Enjoying having my self respect back!

 

3. Loving not having the guilt of doing something I disapprove of!

 

4. Anticipating the future!