TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 Hmmmm....No.... I think your gut reaction is 'no', but you're not sure you have the guts or courage to break it off. What are you afraid of...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rushedin2011 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Share Posted January 1, 2013 Well if I'm going to think of why, I guess it starts with her. She's great in so many ways. We enjoy each others company very much. I like talking with her, cooking, taking walks etc etc. She takes very good care of me, and I try to take care of her. We are generally very understanding and supportive of one another. She has tried to be there for me through my recent crisis'. We have many shared interests, and we plan on doing things together. Boiling it down, I guess I know I would be giving up a good, scratch that, great thing. Perhaps over something trivial, and maybe even something that can be adapted to on both of our parts? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) There is a British-made film called "The Naked Civil Servant"* which is a bio-pic of one of the greatest British Characters of the last century - an homosexual called Quentin Crisp. What a character. You may have heard of him... Forgive me, I digress. It documents his early life in England and illustrates the hardships of being an openly, extrovert homosexual in 40's England. He is constantly seeking love, companionship, togetherness, and unity with someone who will reciprocate and be his long-term significant other. Towards the end of the film, he makes a proclamation. He realises that in spite of his sporadic 'couplings' with all kinds of men, from all walks of life - "There IS no GREAT Man." (The film is brilliant. I really do recommend it. ) Everyone we have come into our lives falls short of what we believe we deserve. And I'm absolutely certain, that if we were to ask our SO's, they would agree, deep down, that perhaps there are many/some things about us which fail to 'come up to par'. The thing we're scared of, is not so much giving up what we currently have - it's actually of never finding what we currently want. We need to discern the difference between 'acceptance' and 'settling'.... And that, my friend, I agree - is the hard part. Edited January 1, 2013 by TaraMaiden Link to post Share on other sites
Author rushedin2011 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Share Posted January 1, 2013 For a second there I thought you were going to suggest something else. Haha. But seriously. Yes I see now that I have the dilemma of accepting vs settling. Do you have any advice on the matter? Or is this something that will come to me with reflection? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 I believe that unfortunately - this is a conclusion we have to come to, for ourselves. My grandmother gave me a bit of advice once. I'm not saying this was her invention, as I'm sure you've heard it before, but she gave me it with, I believe, not a small sense of bitterness at what I think was her perception that she had left too much un-done in her life. "You die regretting the things you did not do, not the things you did." Do you enjoy the adrenalin rush and taking risks, gambling a bit - or are you a cautious safe-bet kind of man? Are you a "Yes but", and "What if" man, or a "Why not?!" person? Maybe you might like to chat this over at your next session.... Look back on your life, and determine whether what has hitherto brought you here has been playing it safe, or throwing caution to the wind.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rushedin2011 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I figured as much unfortunately. I've always been a safe man, I like to think things out and take the safe route. And that has definitely brought me to this point. I will need to discuss this all at might next session. It seems like there is a lot going on in this relationship that has me troubled. To be honest I still have been finding myself thinking about the past, and being repulsed/angry about the past. I have been hanging out near bars, which I think are like a "trigger" for these emotions. I don't expect these feelings to go away overnight, they have been a part of me for a long time, but I'm trying to work on it. I think I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that the past is...just that, the past. What is really the problem is a underlying feeling of disconent (a large bit of which is based on my perception that things are always done her way.) I feel "emasculated" by this and this feeds into my resentment about the past (which also was emasculating for me) There is also the reality that I perhaps fell in love with this "idea" of who she, not acutally realizing that her "failings" weren't that but just who she is. There is a lot wrong in this relationship. At times (the peaks of my anger) I find myself not trusting her, trying to look for reasons to be angry, etc. I find myself feeling unspeakably angry, wanting to get back at her somehow. But then there is most of the time, like now, when I question why I am so eager to throw something this "good" away. There is a lot pointing towards saying that this relationship is irrecoverable and that we should part ways. However if I am to move forward I must be careful to distil my feeling to discover if I would be accepting or settling to be with her. I worry it would be the latter. All in all what I know is that whether we stay together or not, I don't want to feel this way about her anymore. This truly has been a poison to me, and to a certain extent I have made her suffer along with me. It is truly remarkable that she has stood by me, a testament to her feelings perhaps. I will be doing a lot of thinking and I hope I can someday get back to you on what came out of all this. Thank you very much for all your time and patience. rushedin2011 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I wish you all the very best. Keep in touch. At the risk of appearing big-headed (and it's difficult to convey sentiment and body language across a purely typed medium ) if you DO present the above discussion to your therapist/counsellor - I'd be interested to hear whether they feel my input has been constructive. I'm considering taking a degree in Relationships counselling, and an objective professional opinion would be welcome. no matter what it might be. I've worked with a relationships organisation already, and became very involved in that side of things, but although I progressed in training and was ready to take it a step further, a house move to another country rather put the kybosh on that.... Please don't feel obligated, and if you'd rather not, there's absolutely no problem with that at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
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