Ex contacted me after I emailed him. . . now I am confused

[jgs78]

I posted about 3 months ago about my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years breaking up with me over the phone. I currently live in NY and he lives in CA. We were living together in CA foor 3 years before I came out here.

 

Anyway after not speaking to each other for 3 months, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and since I didn't have enough guts to pick up the phone, I wrote him an email. I wrote him an email telling him that he hurt me and that I couldn't understand why he decided to break it off. I basically poured my heart out and I quickly sent it off before I could regret it and stop myself from doing it.

 

Well as you can imagine, I regretted it and I figured that I had now officially blown it and that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I figured though that if we weren't talking after 3 months that what did I have to lose. So I didn't hear anything for a week and I figured, well that's it, I've pushed him away more.

 

Well he surprised me by writing me back and by saying that he would be lying if he didn't think there was another chance. He said that he had not met anyone else and that the reason for him breaking up with me was not because he had met someone else either. He said that he wants to come and visit me so that we can talk about everything.

 

So I wrote him back and I told him I was happy and then he wrote me back asking me what we were going to do next. Keep writing emails or actually talk to each other. So I told him in an email to call me. Well I waited a couple of days and after some convincing from my friends, I decided to just call him. We had a pretty good conversation and he asked me if I had met anyone else and I said no and he asked me if I was looking and I said no. Then I asked him the same questions and he said no and when I asked him if he was sure he said he was 100% sure he was not looking. So then we talked about how we missed each other and then he talked about his plans to come out so that we could talk. I asked him what th purpose of all of it would be to talk and then what? And finally he said that he wanted a second chance. He asked me if that was what I wanted to and I said yes as well.

 

Well here is my problem. One of the issues in our relationship was the fact that we got too used to spending every waking moment with each other. We spent so much time together that when one of us actually had plans to do something with someone else, we would resent it. I probably resented it more because I was in and out of work and it was hard to meet people. Wheareas he had a stable job and had no problem meeting people. Anyway he has made a new life for himself through on of those life-changing seminars. He has met a lot of new friends and is doing a lot more activities since I have been here. I had a lot more things going on my life since I moved here but now that I have gone back to school and got my degree and I am unemployed and looking for a job, my life is not really as exciting. I have actually had doubts and have even considered moving back to CA. Anyway I have talked to him twice since our emailiing and each time was receptive. Last night he had told me that he was going to call me today and he has not. I refused to call him again because I wanted him to show some initiative. Not trying to play the hard to get routine, but just being realistic. Anyway I know he is doing this partly because he wants to show me that it isn't going to be the same if we get back together. He is trying to show me that he has a lot of things going on in his life right now. I am trying my best to not get my hopes up but it's really hard.

 

I really want things to work out between us if we can work out our differences. I am really scared though because I am afraid that he will change his mind. The distance is not helping but my friend has been telling me over and over again that if you really love each other it can work. I don't know if I will live here for more than a year, I don't want to just throw in the towel just because things haven't 100% fallen into place for me yet. But at the same time, I feel that if we can work things out I would be willing to reconsider moving back to CA.

 

Anyway I really need someone's advice. I wonder if anyone has ever gone through what I am going through. What do you do when you start talking again but you don't want to jump into it too quickly and get your heart broken again. MOST IMPORTANTLY how do I get myself from not getting upset when he says he will call me back when he doesn't? I know nothing is definite but it still hurts when he doesn't call. I hope someone can help me, thanks for reading my post.

[Velveteel]

Wow. I'm so glad for you that your boyfriend is considering a second chance. Most of us on this board are longing to hear that.

 

You were so strong not to contact him for three months. And it looks as if No Contact worked beautifully for you. Now you'll have to continue to be strong. Relax about little things like the phone call. Don't let your insecurities show. Besides, he has told you that he'd like a second chance. Unless he tends to lie to you, I'd assume that he's serious about that. Your life doesn't have to be as exciting as his. Just don't talk too much about how bored or worried you are. Everyone goes through transitions with work and school. He won't expect you to dazzle him with your busy schedule. On the contrary, he seems eager to prove himself a little to you, maybe to show off his independence. Let him! It's kind of cute, and it shows he has willpower and ambition.

 

Take your cues from him. Act happy, even though you have some doubts, and seem a little more independent than you might actually feel right now. (Remember that clinging and constant contact were part of what broke you up before.) You will feel better and stronger as you settle into the relationship and begin to believe in it again.

[overseas2004]

Hi

 

I dont know how you can stop yourself from feeling pain when he doesn't call. But what I can say is that his not calling is a pretty big indication that he does not really mean what he says about the two of you making up. I personally don't think that it has anything to do with showing you anything. He is saying one thing and acting completely differently. If I were you I would flesh that out in your next conversation with him.

 

I don't know why you broke up. I imagine the distance played a big deal in the whole thing.

 

And in answer to your final question. Yes I has something similar happen to me. After six years of dating I went to law school.. He stayed in our home town. He deeply resented it and we broke up,. We went back and forth for 4 years and he ended up marrying someone else. I guess I always felt then that when people break up there is usually good reasons and revisiting the whole thing is a bad idea.

 

I am really mostly troubled in your situation with the fact that he does not back up what he says. If he wants a second chance then he should be pursuing it. UNLESS you did something really horrible that ended the relationship in the first place. If its a mutual fault then he needs to show more initiative AND if he is not then its better you dont make your life plans around him.

 

I know its hard to meet people when you dont have work. But there is all sorts of other ways to meet people today. You should try to fill up your time and stay active.

 

Regards.

 

Overseas

[KaiaMahina]

I have the same problem as Overseas. I salute your for being willing to contact him when he was the one who ended things...that's my situation, and although I'm suffering, I can't ever see myself doing that. That took guts.

 

But yeah...what Overseas said goes for me.

[Love2share]

Don't get your hopes up. Clearly, he has made a new life for himself. It took so long for him to respond to your email, beacause he probably doesn't have time to check it often. You have more time to focus on the relationship, breakup, him, ect, than he does.

 

Just because he says he's not looking for anyone, that doesn't really mean that he wants you. He may have a steady girlfriend and that's why he's not looking for anyone else. Yet he still wants to see you because he misses you. Still doesn't mean that he wants you back.

 

Since he broke it off with you, he probably doesn't want to look like a dog by telling you that he found someone else. Even now, you care for him more than he does for you. If he really wanted or missed you, why didn't he try to make contact? Do you wonder what he'd be doing if you hadn't sent him that email?

 

And obviously he isn't very concerned about it. Right now, he's probably thinking how pathetic you are that he dumped you, and you still haven't moved on. You still want him. He is in complete control over your emotions. And to think that you would be willing to move across the coutry to be with him.

 

You are in NY City. You need to watch some episodes of HBO's "Sex in the City" and learn how to make the most of what you have right now. Don't worry about him. Since he dumped you, he should be making "ALL" the effort to get back with you. But of course, if you were the cause of the break up......that's different.

[jgs78]

Thanks for everyone's comments which seemed to range from hopeful to no chance. I want to clarify that although I did some bad things in our relationship like being extremely co-dependent, he had his fair share of problems which stemmed from his apathetic behavior and his unwillingness to communicate. I definitely notice a chance in his communication with me, for once we were able to talk without arguing.

 

Now when he told me he would call, I will admit it was really late at night as I had just gone out with a friend and I had drank too much and drunk dialed him. But we had a good conversation anyway. I know he is trying to prove that he doesn't need me THAT badly because no matter what, no guy wants to be, excuse me when I say this, p*ssy whipped.

 

Thanks Velveteel, I really appreciate your comforting and supporting post. And I appreciate Overseas for telling me to not put all my eggs in one basket. I agree with you Overseas, if he wants a second chance then he needs to prove it. Talks and saying you are going to do something is one thing, but actually doing it is another.

 

As for those of you who said that he could possibly have a girlfriend and that I would never know, well there is that possibility there. But I know for a fact throughout our relationship that he never cheated on me and I never cheated on him. I also know because I trust him that he never would do it and when he says something he holds himself to it. I also know through friends and acquantainces that he has never been that type of guy. I know that you can never trust someone 100% but if you can't trust, what are you going to do live in doubt? You can't go around life like that either.

 

Anyway it could be the possibility that he just misses me, but from our conversations it seems like it is more than that. He said that at the time he didn't realize that there was more than one solution than just breaking it off. Through this seminar course and some soul searching of his own, he said he realizes that he was equally to blame for things. AND he made sure to tell me, that even though I seemed to think that he blamed me for everything that was not true and that he took the blame just as much as I do for the breakup. What he realized is that it is just too easy to throw in the towel instead of sitting down and talking about it.

 

Now I know it seems bad that I said I would be willing to move back to CA. But I have had these feelings before we started talking again. NY is great but it is VERY big and can get extremely lonely. It is the only city I know that you can be surrounded by so many people but still feel so alone. I am very active and I like to do things but I just don't have the money to do those things right now. Anyway there is also the possibility of my best friend moving to CA within this next year and to be able to live near her again after living away from her for so many years would be an opportunity that I don't think I could pass up.

 

I know I have to just take it one step at a time with him. I don't know if I should call him again since I called him when I was drunk and might have thrown him off.

 

I don't want to push him. Even though he kept telling me how much he loved me still, unless he comes out here to talk, I will not be convinced. You cannot force someone to love you back and I understand that. So in the meantime while I am trying to figure things out, I will try and keep my head above the water, so to speak, and focus on job hunting and looking for cheap fun activities to do in the city.

 

If anyone else has anymore advice, I would appreciate it. I was amazed at the differences in opinion about my situation but it's good to look at both sides.