Trying to figure stuff out

[LadyLost]

I have been thinking a lot about what keeps pulling me back. I first posted here in April (?) about trying for months already to move on and here I am all this wasted time later, still in love with a married man, still trying to figure it out. Still waiting.

 

It's not even a physical affair any more. We have only been together once since...October (maybe?). It's been ages anyway.. We had plans to spend a day together over Xmas. We have talked and planned it for weeks. Finally, I realised it didn't feel right and told him not to come. It would have been a wonderful 24 hours and then he would have gone. Home to wife, ring back on, back to his life. I knew i didnt want it. Even in my depressed state I know I deserve better. More. So much more. So i told him no. The scraps. After his family xmas, i get 24 hours of stolen time. Any yet... saying no was heartbreaking. [You know, after a while the tears and the upset and the isolation.. It's exhausting, it's boring. I am so fed up with being depressed.]

 

So there is nothing physical any more. I mean we talk about it, fantasise over it, dream about it, but I haven't seen him in months ( and before that months again). So what is it that keeps us hanging on? Him- his marriage is over, but he won't leave home. He loves me, i do believe that and this is the best and the most he can give. But me, what is it that keeps me hanging on?

 

NC is excruciating, but what I am realising is that to go NC in the hope that he finally cracks, finally tells me he must leave home; that he can't live without me. Well, i have failed before i started. It will never work because he ain't coming and all the while i am holding on. Life on hold. for years now. Waiting for him. Then soon enough he will tell me he loves me, tell me he married the wrong woman, tell me it's killing him. He does love me! he cant live without me ! of course we are soul mates! ..and the cycle starts again.

 

Now, I think I finally get it. NC is not about waiting till he comes crying that he cant live without me but at the same time cant leave his family. its pulling him apart blah blah. Nor is NC counting the days till he gets back in contact. Waiting to see how the number of days he can hold out this time somehow translates to the amount he loves me. NC is not about waiting for him to come. It is not a punishment for him. NC is about me showing i no longer want him to come. Not waiting any longer. Really seeing, I mean properly realising that he CHOSE to stay at home. He CHOSE to stay married. He CHOSE to spend Xmas day and every other day with his WIFE.

 

His WIFE.

 

There must be something better out there for me. Realising its over. Realising I don't want 24 hours of his precious time. Realising I can be ok without him.

 

All of this I see now. Maybe properly for the first time. NC is not about him. It's about me.

 

Things must change. I cannot spend another year hoping, waiting, depressed and alone. It's time for me to actually get to a point where he doesn't matter anymore. He is never coming (I knew that last miserable xmas too) and its up to me and only me, to get to the point where I actually don't want him to.

 

Deep breath. Time to move on.

Edited December 27, 2012 by LadyLost

[awkward]

I think that you are well on your way. NC is not for them. It has always been for you. He isn't coming... for that you're one lucky lady.

 

2013 is going to be different for you. This is going to be your year. Start today and you won't be lady lost for much longer.

 

You don't know me and I don't know you, but for what it's worth, I am proud of you. When I see your alias I will think of you as Lady Lucky!

[whichwayisup]

Sweets, you will be fine without him. It'll take time, you'll hurt and cry, feel some pain but you WILL survive this! Like any other break up, allow yourself that time to grieve the loss..

 

You're right, he's chosen to be where he wants to be..At home with his wife. I'm sure he does care about you, and loves you too, it's just that he isn't willing to give up all that knows and has worked hard for - Getting married, creating a life with someone, having kids, etc.. He was so stupid to have put himself in a situation (the affair with you) where one day he'd have to make a choice. Many MM do not have the courage to start over.. Even more so if they never really had any intention of leaving the marriage. To say it is one thing, to actually do it is another. Seems your exMM was happy enough having the A with you, keeping the fantasy of "what if's and how great life would be if you two ended up together" to keep you in his life and now he's going to get used to having ONE woman to meet all his needs..His wife.

 

Take care of yourself. Hang out with your friends and family who DO care about you and can support you through this.

[LadyLost]

It's taken me a long, long time to begin to realise that NC was never about him. It's a bit of a revelation actually!

 

Awkward, thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. Made me emotional to read. I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to write. I am scared to look forwards, but I do think I have taken my first tiny steps on the right path, finally.

 

Whichwayisup, you are very right about him not having the courage. He left home (twice actually), he failed both times. It was all a big fantasy. It worked best when I played along. I believed in his dreams. I think they have kept a very sad and lonely man going for quite a while now. But, he made his choice and I need to find my own strength to find better. I do worry about my depression and the effect it has on family. I think they are exhausted with the worry. I don't know what I would do without them..

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Thank you for a very inspiring post. I've known that NC is to help us heal and fully move on, but it's hard to see it that way in the thick of all these lingering emotions. But hearing your words opened my eyes a little more.

 

My xMM sounds a lot like yours with the flip flopping and not being able to completely let go. After over a month of silence, he's broken NC quite a bit this past week, spewing his heart and crocodile tears like crazy...it's really no different than before. In a sense I'm glad of it, because it's helping me see the truth of where I really stand. But at the same time I'll admit that it leaves me spinning. And I know I need to get back on track.

 

Anyway, not meaning to threadjack. But again, thank you. I hope you can find the strength to stick to NC and get to the point where you allow yourself to move on. The new year sounds like a new start for both of us.

[2sunny]

There is someone better out there for you... But there won't be any room for the new guy in your life UNTIL you clear the MM OUT OF YOUR LIFE and MIND!

 

Best time to start that is NOW... Unless you want to still be waiting around 5 years from now.

[LadyLost]

Oncemore- I would never have thought anyone would describe my ramble as inspiring!! I would never see myself as that. I am in truth anything but. The reality is that I am trying awfully hard to survive one day at a time.

You have managed 1 month of NC- that really is inspirational! His contact will of course throw you off course as i can well imagine, but do you recognise in yourself that you are healing with time?

Something else that has helped me as the mist has cleared is to put his words aside and focus on his actions. Because that's what really matters in all of this.

 

Yes, I hope we can both gather the strength and get through this.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Oncemore- I would never have thought anyone would describe my ramble as inspiring!! I would never see myself as that. I am in truth anything but. The reality is that I am trying awfully hard to survive one day at a time.

You have managed 1 month of NC- that really is inspirational! His contact will of course throw you off course as i can well imagine, but do you recognise in yourself that you are healing with time?

Something else that has helped me as the mist has cleared is to put his words aside and focus on his actions. Because that's what really matters in all of this.

 

Yes, I hope we can both gather the strength and get through this.

 

In my case it was him that chose to go NC to reconcile with his wife. So, no, that month wasn't as healing as I had hoped it would be. I spent a lot of time waiting to see if he would crack, and honestly, just as I was starting to accept that he really was gone for good, he reached out again. But now I see that it's up to me to deal with that the right way. Hardly inspirational! But I'm learning the hard way, I guess.

 

You're in the situation where you're the one understanding this is for the best though -- I think that's a fantastic place to be. Definitely focus on his words just being words with no action behind them. Hopefully that'll give you the strength to take one day at a time.

[Catplates]

Lady,

 

Christmas can be a terrible time when you are in an A. It's over now for another year and make sure you are not still stuck in the same scenario next year.

 

NC is for YOU. It's to keep you safe help you to heal. You have to really want it to make it work. It's a committment to not having anything to do with him ever again.

 

If you love him, NC is a big ask, but it can be done when you are truly ready.

 

Cat

[LadyLost]

OnceMore- neither of us chose to be in this situation. Being single, the MM always has the power and we are at his mercy. I think.... it is up to us to try and take some control back.

He may or may not make his marriage work, he may or may not need another month, another six months or longer, but as an outsider hearing about your situation, in the meantime i ask you -do you sit and wait for however long it takes?

I have been with my MM for 2 years and for a whole year now I have been sitting and waiting. How much longer do I wait? I think you will know when you have had enough. Until that time it's very difficult to take any advise. I think... i can now begin to realise I have waited enough. I have given this man everything for two years. It must no longer be about whether he might come, I need to get to the point when I don't care. It's taken me months and months of heartache for me to even realise this much. How much more of your life are you going to give him?

[LadyLost]

Hi Cat, you are right. Until you are truly ready, NC will never work. I can really see that now.

 

Yes, I am so relieved Xmas is over. Just like I was relieved when my birthday was over. It's so sad when you look back and realise how many months you have given up and now... I realise its years.

 

Maybe my resolve won't last, but for today I feel differently. Once I told him I didn't want to see him, I felt a weight lift off. Well, what I mean is that I didn't feel any worse!