Do I tell his new interest i'm pregnant?

[Minadee]

I always get very brutally honest answers on this website, sometimes they are hard to read because i'm a stubborn mare but I know it is good and healthy for me to hear what people who don't know me have to say, as I feel I bore my friends with the same old woes.

 

Basically, J, whom i was with for three years is moving on with some girl called Harriet. This happened about 2 weeks after he left me. Let me make this very clear that they are NOT together in a relationship, but I know she has met his parents (smh, I had sex with him that day too...) and although I know I can't see into the future I know he likes her, and as far as i'm aware she likes him. He goes to the gym 3-4 times a week and she works there too, and I also know that he spent his birthday with her. Being a stupidly organised twonk, I already had his card and present and on a last whim, gave it to him the day before.

 

It was a scrapbook and a box of lucky charms and some other bits and bobs. Looking back, I rationalised it by saying that if I gave him this present, then that would be that, I had written all my feelings into that scrapbook and if he didnt come back after that, then he wouldnt come back to me at all and it would give me some sort of release and closure (it didn't). And he hasnt come back to me after everything I said. I have not had sex with him for about a month, although he did ring up drunk asking for phone sex and for me to come and meet him on the 1st December in the middle of the night. Sent a rude photo to my phone as well.

 

I have absolutley no idea where he stands with this girl. After flirting with me all christmas day (and pretty much ruining it) and asking to see me in my new dress and that he was sure he'd love it and how he hoped I had been spoilt, he went to a rugby match with her and her family the next day despite HATING rugby and when I asked him if he was okay (he sent me some weird babbling text, I asumed he was drunk) he told me he was with Harriet and that he was having an enjoyable day but only agreed to go because he said he would a while ago.

 

Now, I can hear you screaming behind your keypads, WHY ARE YOU STILL CONTACTING HIM? Because i'm pregnant. I have my first proper ultrasound (I had an internal one a few weeks back) January 2nd at 09:15 which my mother is taking me too. I would LOVE to be NC with him, but it's virtually impossible, as this is a part of his life too and I'm trying to stand on friendly grounds.

 

Now, after all this ranting it brings me back to my original question in the title. After getting very destructive Christmas day, I sat and wrote out a long letter on word to Harriet asking her to back away from him for a couple of weeks while we sort this huge mess out. And that I was asking her this from female to female, and telling her that I was expecing J's child. I explained that until recently (like I said, about a month ago) that we were still having sex (this has stopped now as I cannot put myself through it anymore) and that he is STILL messing with my head and that he started seeing her about 2 weeks after our breakup back in mid october.

 

What would you do in my situation? Would you tell his new interest that this was happening? I cannot do this on my own, so will the letter ensure that J will never speak to me again (that would be the worst case scenario) because asuming I actually send this letter, it will surley impact how she feels about him? Because I don't know about you girls, but if I had a new interest whose ex messaged me telling me she was pregnant with his child and that he walked away from her when she needed him most and that he was still sleeping with her, it'd affect how I viewed the person in question. Infact I had a similar experience with an ex before J, who was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend and had I had known that that was going on, there is not a chance in holy hell I would have stayed with him. Luckily the relationship ended after 3 months when I found out he had slept with a random girl on a night out. (although none of that is really that has anything to do with anything haha.)

 

I ask of you to not be too harsh when relating to the situation i'm in, but all views and points are valid

 

May I also add the letter would not be "to win him back." I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and to be honest, I have no idea if I COULD ever actually go back to him after the pain he has caused me. But that doesn't stop me wanting support from him through this situation. It takes two to tango unfortunatly. Please don't get me wrong, despite what this ******* has done to me, for some very strange reason I still love him to the stars and back. But I have realised that gifts and sex are not going to change his mind, only he can change his mind. & I thank everyone from the forum who told me stop sleeping with him because I have a little more self worth than to be someone's booty call. I know some of your opinions on J will vary, but I know he is not doing this to hurt me intentionally. He was a wonderful boyfriend, we talked about marriage and finding a place together and travelling the world. He was wonderful in every aspect of the word. Aside from the last few months, obviously.

 

Thankyou to you all.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Minadee

[movingon12]

Unless you're planning to raise the baby together, you do not need to be in contact with him. You just need to know where to find him when it's time for him to start paying his share of the bills.

 

I can see why you'd be tempted to tell her, but I don't think it is a good idea.

 

Either he is going to choose to come back to you or he isn't. He isn't going to come back to you just because you break up his new relationship. He'll just hate you for going behind his back/not trusting him to tell her himself/revealing it before he was ready to/whatever his justification. If you want her to know, tell him to tell her. If he doesn't want to tell her, then how is he going to react if you go and do it anyway?

 

Yes she should know what kind of a guy he is, but she'll find that out eventually, right now, it's not your problem.

 

And stay the hell away from that guy!

[monicaelise]

Been here, done this...or something very similar. I left my youngest son's father (this is not my exhusband, he's an awesome dude) right before I found out I was pregnant. He immediately hooked up with another woman. How immediately you ask? Well he managed to get married and start divorce proceedings from this woman, all before my son was born (my son was three weeks early so, yeah, all inside 7-8 months). I never spoke to the woman, partially because I left the relationship, but primarily because I knew nothing good could come of it. I was 100% correct about this. All that would have happened if I had contacted her is she would have thought me some sort of obsessed nutter, at best.

 

The woman your ex is involved with is not involved with you and you have no beef with her. Additionally, she does not need your "warning". She'll find out what she's gotten herself into soon enough. If they do somehow stay together, in a matter of months, he'll have some serious explaining to do regarding your ex's sudden new role as a father. Don't waste your time making yourself the villain, stalker, whore, bitch...or any of the myriad of other things he/she will make you out to be should you decide to "enlighten" her. It's just not worth it.

 

Can you honestly think of one good thing that could come out of contacting this woman? You've committed yourself to having this baby, do you really want to make an enemy of his/her father? Remember, you're bound to this prince for at least the next couple of decades if you decide to keep your child.

[geegirl]

"Basically, J, whom i was with for three years is moving on with some girl called Harriet. This happened about 2 weeks after he left me. Let me make this very clear that they are NOT together in a relationship, but I know she has met his parents (smh, I had sex with him that day too...) and although I know I can't see into the future I know he likes her, and as far as i'm aware she likes him. He goes to the gym 3-4 times a week and she works there too, and I also know that he spent his birthday with her. Being a stupidly organised twonk, I already had his card and present and on a last whim, gave it to him the day before."

 

I'm not sure how you have determined that they are not in a relationship, unless you base this on what he is telling you. With that said, the man is playing two women so I would hardly take his word as gospel. It does seem that the level of investment weighs much heavily on her side which should be telling, relationship or not.

 

"I have not had sex with him for about a month, although he did ring up drunk asking for phone sex and for me to come and meet him on the 1st December in the middle of the night. Sent a rude photo to my phone as well."

 

Pregnant or not, your interactions with him after this crude and disrespectful exchange, should be specific towards the pregnancy and nothing else. You note that because you are pregnant you have to interact, but your posts about him clearly note that contact is based on your love for him and the pain of missing him.

 

"I have absolutley no idea where he stands with this girl."

 

Does it matter? He's choosing to spend a holiday with her and leaving you sobbing on your own. Whether he loves her or not, what is he showing you by leaving you behind? The question is, where do you stand with him.

 

"Now, I can hear you screaming behind your keypads, WHY ARE YOU STILL CONTACTING HIM? Because i'm pregnant. I have my first proper ultrasound (I had an internal one a few weeks back) January 2nd at 09:15 which my mother is taking me too. I would LOVE to be NC with him, but it's virtually impossible, as this is a part of his life too and I'm trying to stand on friendly grounds."

 

Again, if you have to interact, you can but strictly about your pregnancy. Your contact isn't about the pregnancy but more so your emotional attachment to him. You can still interact, about the pregnancy but leave each other's private life separate, and that happens when you set clear boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. The thing is, you want contact because you have hope. It's not about the pregnancy.

 

"After getting very destructive Christmas day, I sat and wrote out a long letter on word to Harriet asking her to back away from him for a couple of weeks while we sort this huge mess out."

 

You have to dig deep and find out what your motives are in doing this. HE does not want to sort things out with you. Harriet doesn't need to back away when HE has no interest in dealing with it. It's not Harriet's responsibility, it's his. If anything you should be talking to him about the mess and sorting it out with him. There is no huge "mess" by the way. You are pregnant and he wants nothing to do with it. That is why he is with her and moving on. It's a mess in your head because you can't let go. I think you are creating this "logic" in your head because you are trying to find ways to get him back, as much as you say you don't want him back.

 

"What would you do in my situation? Would you tell his new interest that this was happening? I cannot do this on my own, so will the letter ensure that J will never speak to me again (that would be the worst case scenario) because asuming I actually send this letter, it will surley impact how she feels about him?"

 

The letter will most likely cause him to walk away. Or. It may create a dent in their relationship but he will smooth talk her and create his own story to help appease her dissatisfaction. And all may be well again between them. Or she may walk away and he will come running to you. In that sense, you don't gain a thing because all you're left with is a cheater and someone who will most likely use you as a fallback.

[Balzac]

General concerns aside, half of all pregnancies are "unplanned". When factoring in the most reliable contraceptive methods for "perfect use" data, it's astonishing isn't it?

[Minadee]

I think you are right regaring not telling her. We got into an argument over facebook chat about how I felt she had a right to know and he said "You tell her and I will never speak to you again." And I completley blew up and told how childish it was of him to argue with me over facebook. So he drove to my house so I could talk to him face to face. At first we didnt say anything. I was upset and angry and needed to calm down.

 

He pulled me towards him and I told him to not touch me. I mentioned how he should not lay a finger on me and he said "but you used to love my fingers" and I burst out laughing and was so mad at myself. I burst into big heavy tears and he pulled me towards him and stroked my head. He told me he was there for me and I didn't say anything. Then he pulled my face back and said "I'll take you to the beach soon." (this is a very personal thing, when I was a child and wouldn't settle, my father would drive me late at night to the beach so I could fall asleep listening to the waves, beaches are my favourite place to be and they calm me like nothing else can.) an he pinkie promised and I said "not that your pinkie promises ever meant much" and he looked very chastened.

 

Then she obviously texted him and he looked at his phone and I looked at him and said "Do I get a cookie if I can tell you who that is" and he laughed and I got mad, telling him that I was the focus of attention and he put his phone away without replying. He then said he could never imagine not being friends with me an laughing with me and I told him straight that if he was with her I dont think I could do it. He looked thoughtful and didn't reply. It was getting late and I had to be up early for work and he dropped me home. I checked my makeup in the mirror and he said "You look fine" to which I replied "You know I hate that word." And he said "You look beautiful" and I raised my eyebrows at him and he hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. Then I got out of the car and didn't look back, but I knew he was watching me as he didn't drive away until I turned the corner.

 

I feel somewhat strange. I didn't get any closure, and I went to meet him to shout at him and unleash steam but I hardly did. I feel he is making somewhat more of an effort with me regarding the baby scenario. He hasnt mentioned coming to the scan with me though, I think that thought freaks him out and he needs more time to adjust.

 

I'm still mad. And i'm still upset. But I don't know, I feel very oddly calm. He texted me straight after asking if I was okay and when I didn't reply he texted me "...?" to which I told him I was doing better and thanking him for coming to see me to which he responded saying "Anytime."

 

Thankyou for all your replies, it stopped me doing something very irrational regarding sending the letter to Harriet. Bitchy part of me would love nothing better but i'm not like that. I don't want to be labelled as "The crazy, physco, stalker ex." And like you said gee, I think a part of me is in denial with how much I love this guy. And if this chick makes him happy, who the hell am I to walk all over that? He may be immature and childish but I have never loved someone like I loved him and I think this whole experience has matured me a lot.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Minadee

[mammasita]

The only person who should know you're pregnant is your ex. Who gives a flying **** what she knows or doesn't know about you. Not to mention, that is terribly desperate and needy to reach out to her.

[Minadee]

Thankyou all for taking the time to respond! I always get so frightened when I get replies, as I'm a very sensitive (not to mention overly hormonal) person at this point in time and although some of it is very very hard to read, it is always good to get advice (even if I can't promise I will stick to it!!!) But i'll try. I'll try really really hard.

[Treasa]

Sweetie, he sounds an awful lot like my very recent ex. Very controlling, saying things like, "You better not x or I'll y," acting sweet and luring you in and then hurting you again...

 

Please be careful. He really sounds like a narcissist, or at the very least, emotionally abusive. He reminds me of my ex so much that if I didn't know it wasn't my ex, I'd be PMing you asking you his name.

 

I think you need to avoid him completely until you go after him for what he owes for the baby. And please be careful.. I don't want to hear about him arranging an "accident" that would hurt you or your baby just to get out of his duties.

[geegirl]

He got mad at you because you were about to burst his bubble and when he realized the damage you could cause, he promptly slathered you with sweetness. It's called DAMAGE CONTROL. It's manipulation, at best. Now he's gotten you back to where he needs you to be. Talks of the beach and holding you...giving you affection and sweet words, exactly what you need to hear to silence you. You are not a threat now and he can carry on again with her and, with you.

 

You feel calm now because contact has alleviated your pains, for now. You're on a high. You received your fix. You'll go back again to needing that attention from him and soon enough you will be back to hurting again. It's a vicious cycle.

 

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be harsh.

Edited December 28, 2012 by geegirl

[Minadee]

That is something I would never have considered Geegirl, do you really think I am being so blind? To accept that that was the case... It frightens me because then I don't think I would have known him at all. I asked him if he was doing all this because he "feels bad" and he looked very hurt and said that he cares about me a great deal. Hmm. You are not being harsh at all. It is just a perspective I never would have considered before.

[geegirl]

That is something I would never have considered Geegirl, do you really think I am being so blind? To accept that that was the case... It frightens me because then I don't think I would have known him at all. I asked him if he was doing all this because he "feels bad" and he looked very hurt and said that he cares about me a great deal. Hmm. You are not being harsh at all. It is just a perspective I never would have considered before.

 

You're in love and your hormones are on overdrive. You don't see things rationally but from a romanticized point of view. It's normal to be "blind" when you are in love and you bargain even when it's pretty clear when their motives are not in your best interest.

 

Mina, people don't always show you who they really are. I was married for 7 years and looking back still can't connect the dots as to who he really was. I've had relationships with guys that present one way and do a complete 180 when things are down the tube.

 

You asked him if he was doing it because he felt bad, well, do you think he would have smiled and said he is doing it because he doesn't care? He would walk away from you because you won't protect him from his own deceit. Is that someone that cares for you?

 

Let's put all that aside. Question his integrity. Question his compassion. Question his trustworthiness. Question his conscience. He has zero integrity, playing with the lives of two women. He has zero compassion, knowing he hurts you, knowing he doesn't want to be with you, still keeps you on a string. He has zero trustworthiness because he cheats. He has no conscience, knowing he is manipulating two women.

 

The way he is handling you, the pregnancy and this other woman speaks so highly of who is as a person.

 

You have to dig deep and really see this man for who he is rather than skimming the surface level love that you feel for him. Love does not treat someone this way.

[KraftDinner]

If you tell the other girl anything, it'll give the two of them something to unite over. Probably bring them closer together, if anything....dealing with the 'crazy ex' can be quite a bonding experience.

[Treasa]

That is something I would never have considered Geegirl, do you really think I am being so blind? To accept that that was the case... It frightens me because then I don't think I would have known him at all. I asked him if he was doing all this because he "feels bad" and he looked very hurt and said that he cares about me a great deal. Hmm. You are not being harsh at all. It is just a perspective I never would have considered before.

 

Huge red flag. Narcissists will often take any criticism, no matter how small or slight, and make it into them being the ones who are badly hurt.

 

After months of my ex emotionally and verbally abusing me, one time I told my ex that he'd be an idiot to let me go, and he got all sad and said how "harsh" I was being. After calling me a c*nt and telling me to F off numerous times before that and being a dick in general.

 

Don't believe a thing this man says.

[Treasa]

Also, if he cared about you a great deal, he wouldn't be trying to hide your pregnancy, threatening you with something he knows you're terrified of (losing all contact with him), and basically carrying on with this other girl AND you at the same time.

[Minadee]

I feel completley exhausted by this. I am truley heartbroken.

[Minka333]

Dear, the clouds may be dark now and things don't magically become ok. But pls remember you are having a beautiful blessing soon..a baby. Once you get to hold him/her in your arms, most of your pains will be washed away and realize it is all worth it.

 

You will always find another man to love and accept you. But having a baby is not given to everyone. Just try to focus more on your pregnancy. Someday these all shall pass but you will have a child who will stay with you forever.

[monicaelise]

Hang in there. What you're feeling is to be expected. Much of the intensity, however, is probably hormonal. It will pass. Just try to avoid doing anything (too) stupid right now that might come back to haunt you later. The long-term consequences of your actions right now will be bigger than you probably realize. Use the people around you to keep your head and help you figure out the best way to get through this time.

[Minadee]

I am not coping very well, I feel like I am right back to square one when he first left me and I cried so hard I threw up numerous times. He texted me saying "I'm at harriets." really randomly and that completley messed me up. That was 6 hours ago and I am STILL crying. It's now 04:29 where I am and I cannot sleep.

[Minadee]

Someone please talk me out of messaging her. I am so angry that I am dealing with all this physical and emotional pain while he and her go to the zoo together. I am really not coping well right now. All I want to do is tell her what a complete a*shole he is but I don't know what i'd be gaining out of it. Would I really want to inflict this pain on someone? He made it clear that he'd never speak to me again if I contacted her which I find so insulting. Someone please help me, I feel like i'm going insane.

[Gottabestrong]

Don't message her. It won't make her think 'Oh, he must be a bad guy. I better stay away from him" She'll just see you as the crazy ex and think he is a poor guy for having to deal with you.

 

For the sake of your sanity, stay away from him and her and try to focus on yourself and your baby. Don't contact him anymore, unless it is absolutely necessary because of the baby. Don't expect any emotional support from him anymore.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, but please, preserve your dignity and stay away from them. Hugs!

[KraftDinner]

I am not coping very well, I feel like I am right back to square one when he first left me and I cried so hard I threw up numerous times. He texted me saying "I'm at harriets." really randomly and that completley messed me up. That was 6 hours ago and I am STILL crying. It's now 04:29 where I am and I cannot sleep.

 

Wow. He's rubbing your face in it. And with you in the vulnerable state that you are...just...wow.

[Treasa]

I don't know. A part of me wants to tell you to contact her just to give her a heads up that you're having his baby. A LARGE part of me. For these reasons:

 

1. I don't like seeing people manipulated ("You better do this or I'm never going to speak to you again").

2. Maybe he WILL finally leave you alone, which is what you really need to heal.

3. She's going to find out some way or another once you have the baby and he's paying child support.

 

You don't have to make it dramatic. Just a short heads up. "Hey, you don't know me, but I'm x weeks along with J's child. I just wanted you to know, because I have a feeling he may not have told you, and this will impact his life financially."

[KraftDinner]

Unless you guys were married, good luck on the child support lol.

 

Why ruin the guys life? Me, I wouldn't suggest getting pregnant to keep a man around, doesn't work. Let him live his life!!

 

It takes two to make a baby.

[Minadee]

Happy birthday to me! (new years eve)

 

Didn't let him ruin my little family night out. Wavered at the start and had a face like a slapped a*se and cried and snapped to anyone that would dare to talk to me. I felt like everyone was walking on eggshells. I sat on the toilet crying and thought "what the hell am I doing? He's not even here and he is STILl ruining your night!" So I put my lippy on and gambled a little (£10 up! more than enough for me haha.) and just enjoyed my family time. He sent me a text as soon as I got home saying "Oooh, I think it's someone's birthday am i right? can't think who though!" to which I havn't responded to. I don't need his little texts to make my birthday great. I'm going to spend time with my girlfriends and my family!

 

I've gone a little off-topic here, but I just thought i'd let you all know how i'm doing. Teresa, I am still not 100% sure what i'm going to do yet. Since this thread, I have spoken to him about telling her and he said he will, when he is ready (??) When that is i'm not sure. I don't feel all that comfortable with that as i'm sure he'll make himself out to be some kind of saint who took me to all my appointments and cuddled me when I cried. I will make my mind up in the new year regading telling her.

 

Lovedoesnotexist - Hi there, just to let you know I didn't get pregnant intentionally to keep him at my feet regardless of what you may think, and to be honest, I think he is doing a pretty good job at living his life like this isnt affecting him at the moment! Hate to burst his bubble but as Kraft said, I shouldn't be the one completley to blame! I respect your opinion obviously but it's a little late for advice on how to not get pregnant!

 

Thankyou all for the taking the time to respond, and If I don't get on today (it's 00:51am where I am) Then I wish you all a wonderful new year!