Do I tell his new interest i'm pregnant?

[Treasa]

Happy birthday, love, and remember that I'm always here if you need me. You are in my thoughts every day.

[Minadee]

I spoke too soon.

 

Had a big fall out with my brother and he ended up telling me to F*ck off and stormed out of the house. I ended up sitting in the shower for about 2 hours and opening my presents infront of very tentative parents. Fast forward a few more hours and i'm at lunch with my grandparents and parents and no brother.

 

Then, dropping a complete bomb, J texted me saying;

 

"Happy birthday Jasmin! I know things havn't exactly worked out great but this will all get sorted out and I hope we can still be freinds after all this! Have a good day and a great night xxx

 

And it completley destroyed me. I broke down into big heavy sobs and my mother did her best to calm me down. I don't know how he can do this to me. I am so beyond upset right now I don't even want to do anything but curl up in bed and cry.

 

I hate knowing he is with her and celebrating new years eve with her. It is literally heart breaking to the point where I cannot eat or drink or even half-assed fake some sort of smile and enjoy my family's company.

 

I also know that he hasn't slept with her yet. I don't know how to feel about this. Part of me is relieved (and would also explain why he was coming to me for it) and the other part is crushed. He obviously cares enough about this girl to respect her and wait for when she is ready. He took my virginty one week after dating (although I cannot blame him for that.) And it obviously isn't a rebound either which hurts. Im guessing he was speaking to her a few months before we broke up which is humilating on my behalf.

 

Happy birthday to me...

Edited December 31, 2012 by Minadee

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are going through this but I don't think it is proper for you to tell his gf that you are pregnant. That is his responsibility. What do you hope to accomplish by telling her? He does sound like he has moved on to this new relationship but knows he will have to be financially responsible for the child. He has said he hopes that the two of you can still be friends which doesn't sound like he is going to try to get back together with you. I think this best thing for your sanity right now is to go NC with him in order to try to heal yourself. The stress of knowing what they are doing in their relationship is not good for you or the baby. He really needs to stop talking to you because it isn't helping you at all.

[Sugarkane]

I'm not sure, I mean he should be the one telling her about your pregnancy. But if I was dating someone and they got someone else knocked up, it would turn me off them. I wouldn't want that much drama and knowing the guy moves on that fast and easily.

[Sugarkane]

He sounds fickle and irresponsible.

[Minadee]

Well, a LOT happened last night.

 

I ended up going out to a bar with my girls (not drinking) and I saw him there. He said "Happy birthday sweetheart" and gave me a hug and bought me a lemonade. Then Harriet saunters up, grabs him and kisses him infront of me and I raised my eyebrows at him and refused to let it ruin my night. I told him I wanted to talk but he said he was drunk and didn't want to talk when he was drunk.

 

So I went off to dance with my girlfriends, I was having a great time when he starts getting with her infront of me. I grab him and drag him to the hallway. By now I am screaming, telling him what a complete c*nt he is and how he could do that to me on my birthday. He said I should know what to expect. By now we had security watching us as i'm sure they thought it was some domestic. I told him I was going to tell her everything if I saw her again that night and he said "Fine but don't expect me to speak to you again." and he stormed off. I ended up crying to his friends and telling one of them about the pregnancy and he didn't really know what to say. I was upstairs for quite a while when I texted J saying that he owes me this much to talk to me again now that I had calmed down and he told me he was walking home.

 

Then as I was about to leave, J's friend John was being kicked out. I followed to make sure he was okay and we ended up crying together. He told me he had just broken up with his missus and he saw her getting with someone. So we were like lost kindred souls and held my hand and walked me back to my hotel and we ended up staying and talking for about 2 hours. He told me what a beautiful girl I was and that I had a personality to die for and that if he wasn't heartbroken he'd want me like crazy. I didn't really respond and my drunk friends ended up stumbling back so we took our conversation outside. He told me that J and Harriet had been meeting up "as friends" for a long time and I cried and he held me and told me I had the most beautiful eyes and that no one was worth me ruining them through tears. I ended up giving him a big hug and his taxi came and I went back to the room.

 

J then texted me telling me he had walked home alone and had been attacked. All the girls were telling me not to respond but I had to. He told me some drunk guy had tried to steal his phone. I was about to ring him when he texted me saying "I told Harriet everything by the way." And I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I eventually texted back saying "oh.. What did she say?" And he said "I doubt she'll ever talk to me again so I hope you're happy now." and I didn't respond for a while again. Eventually I said "Oh well.. are you home and okay?" and he said "Am I okay? I've been attacked and humilated Jasmin, how do you think I am?" And I said "Please let me know when you get home, I'm worried." And then I fell asleep.

 

He texted me in the morning saying "I'm fine. Don't worry :)" and I told him i'd help him if he wanted to report the attack, but he said "I'm old enough to look after myself. I don't need anyone's help so don't worry."

 

I had a look at Harriet's twitter to see if anything had been written, and there were a lot of "Why?" And "Worst new year" tweets. Then I checked again and she has written "There are so many things that happened last night that really shouldn't have ...and that need to be forgotten" and I'm wondering if he has gone to see her as he updated his tweet saying he was lost in around town.

 

Anywho. I stopped contacting him after the last text he sent me and I'm not sure how to react or even ask about what happened or what she said as I'm very very curious.

 

After the way he hurt me last night on my birthday, I don't think I could be with him again though. I have never shouted at someone like that in my life. And seeing her with him infront of me was heartbreaking.

 

I'm not really sure what to do, whether to try and talk to him or where I stand or where he stands with her. *shrug*

 

I hope you all had a good new year though!

Edited January 1, 2013 by Minadee

[Game]

Well, a LOT happened last night.

 

I ended up going out to a bar with my girls (not drinking) and I saw him there. He said "Happy birthday sweetheart" and gave me a hug and bought me a lemonade. Then Harriet saunters up, grabs him and kisses him infront of me and I raised my eyebrows at him and refused to let it ruin my night. I told him I wanted to talk but he said he was drunk and didn't want to talk when he was drunk.

 

So I went off to dance with my girlfriends, I was having a great time when he starts getting with her infront of me. I grab him and drag him to the hallway. By now I am screaming, telling him what a complete c*nt he is and how he could do that to me on my birthday. He said I should know what to expect. By now we had security watching us as i'm sure they thought it was some domestic. I told him I was going to tell her everything if I saw her again that night and he said "Fine but don't expect me to speak to you again." and he stormed off. I ended up crying to his friends and telling one of them about the pregnancy and he didn't really know what to say. I was upstairs for quite a while when I texted J saying that he owes me this much to talk to me again now that I had calmed down and he told me he was walking home.

 

Then as I was about to leave, J's friend John was being kicked out. I followed to make sure he was okay and we ended up crying together. He told me he had just broken up with his missus and he saw her getting with someone. So we were like lost kindred souls and held my hand and walked me back to my hotel and we ended up staying and talking for about 2 hours. He told me what a beautiful girl I was and that I had a personality to die for and that if he wasn't heartbroken he'd want me like crazy. I didn't really respond and my drunk friends ended up stumbling back so we took our conversation outside. He told me that J and Harriet had been meeting up "as friends" for a long time and I cried and he held me and told me I had the most beautiful eyes and that no one was worth me ruining them through tears. I ended up giving him a big hug and his taxi came and I went back to the room.

 

J then texted me telling me he had walked home alone and had been attacked. All the girls were telling me not to respond but I had to. He told me some drunk guy had tried to steal his phone. I was about to ring him when he texted me saying "I told Harriet everything by the way." And I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I eventually texted back saying "oh.. What did she say?" And he said "I doubt she'll ever talk to me again so I hope you're happy now." and I didn't respond for a while again. Eventually I said "Oh well.. are you home and okay?" and he said "Am I okay? I've been attacked and humilated Jasmin, how do you think I am?" And I said "Please let me know when you get home, I'm worried." And then I fell asleep.

 

He texted me in the morning saying "I'm fine. Don't worry :)" and I told him i'd help him if he wanted to report the attack, but he said "I'm old enough to look after myself. I don't need anyone's help so don't worry."

 

I had a look at Harriet's twitter to see if anything had been written, and there were a lot of "Why?" And "Worst new year" tweets. Then I checked again and she has written "There are so many things that happened last night that really shouldn't have ...and that need to be forgotten" and I'm wondering if he has gone to see her as he updated his tweet saying he was lost in around town.

 

Anywho. I stopped contacting him after the last text he sent me and I'm not sure how to react or even ask about what happened or what she said as I'm very very curious.

 

After the way he hurt me last night on my birthday, I don't think I could be with him again though. I have never shouted at someone like that in my life. And seeing her with him infront of me was heartbreaking.

 

I'm not really sure what to do, whether to try and talk to him or where I stand or where he stands with her. *shrug*

 

I hope you all had a good new year though!

 

Sounds like an episode of Jersey Shore

[Minadee]

I've never seen Jersey shore but J used to watch it and i'd catch little glimpses, guess you could say that haha!

 

So, yesterday I had my scan. It was a very very emotional time, they also scanned my kidneys and ovaries to check for PCOS which i've booked a further appointment for the 17th to discuss. This makes me very anxious obviously. Soon as I'd finished I had a text from J asking if I was okay and I asked if he could pick me up as I didn't feel like going home. My mother was supportive but she doesn't really like J and can't understand why i'm still seeing him. (which I don't blame her for, obviously.)

 

J picked me up at 11:30pm and we were driving. I didn't have a clue where we were going and it was so awkward in the car. None of us said a word for a good 30 minutes. Eventually I saw a sign for a beach and knew exactly where he was taking me and looked at him with glassy eyes. Again he didn't say a word. As we got to the beach we sat on the rocks and again, said nothing. I put my head on his shoulder for a while, watching the waves and he got up and didn't look at me. I felt a little agitated by this so walked off near the shoreline and sat down for about 20 minutes. He didn't chase or follow me. Eventually I started getting chilly and walked back up the slope to see him standing there. He was watching me so intently, i've never seen him gaze at me with such an intense expression. He pullled me into his arms and we hugged for about 5 minutes until I put my ice cold hands under his shirt (very playfully, might I add) and he laughed and pushed me away gently. We then went and sat in the car to warm up.

 

I had seen on his twitter that he put "Hope I don't lose you over a mistake" and felt greatly offended by this. (Posted a thread in the coping section.) and asked him what it meant. He said it could be in any context (?!) and I asked if he valued how Harriet felt right now over me. He said no. She texted him at that moment and he ignored it. I told him it was alright to reply but asked what she said, considering he told me she'd never speak to him again. She said "How did the scan go?" Which made me uncomfortable. I questionned why she was asking about the scan and he said "This was what you wanted Jasmin." but I told him that she shouldn't be checking up on me, it was very very bizzare in my opinion. He said "I think she'll talk to me in time as a friend but nothing like that anymore" and i looked at him and said "If you have come to me for sympathy over that you are talking to the wrong person." and he said "I know. But she had never trusted anyone before and I go and do this." And I said nothing. He then pulled me close to him despite me pulling away at first and rubbed my earlobe and kissed my forehead, telling me he was going to be there for me.

 

Naturally, I was very guarded, but when he put his hand on my stomach (very tentatively) I looked at him and felt this complete and utter rush of love. He was rubbing it really gently and focusing on it, looking completley intent at it. I told him how I had to get new clothes already and he said "you'll be back to your skinny self in no time" and patted my stomach gently. I laughed at him and rolled the seat back so I could have a little nap as I was feeling very unwell. He kissed my forehead again and I joked how much I needed to pee and he said "Nothing changes with you, does it?"

 

He pulled up to my house and I got very emotional. He pulled me into him and was stroking my hair. He said he'd see me soon and he looked very thoughtful. I said "I wish I knew what was going on in your head" and he said "I don't even know what's going on in my head, so don't try and figure it out." then he kissed my cheek and I got out and he beeped as he drove away.

 

5 Minutes later I get a text saying "Are you okay? :)" and I ignored it. 3 hours later I get another one saying "..." and I responded saying "No, of course not. I'm feeling pretty low if you must know." And he said "I'm with you Jasmin. I hope you know i'm feeling low too, so close to doing something stupid." which alarmed me a great deal. I rung him up and he said "I don't know what's going to happen." Which to this point in time I still don't understand. I said "Regarding what?" and he said "everything." Our conversation was short as he had been working all night and was tired. As I was saying goodnight, he said "goodnight ginger" (sort of a petname) and I said goodnight and he hung up. He then sent me a text 20 minutes later (I was asleep by then) saying "Sorry." And I replied this morning saying "For what?" and he hasn't responded.

 

Now I know alot of people are saying "focus on the baby" but I have a seperate forum where I talk about the child, this is a relationship and advice forum and thats the only advice i'm asking for. What do I do now? I hate to admit it but I still love this guy but I don't want to be some second choice if Harriet doesnt want him anymore. Can I make it clear that him and Harriet hadn't had sex because she was a virgin, and they were not in a relationship.

[Sugarkane]

So basically he's with this other woman, but also flirting with you and leading you on? This guys a jerk.

[Sugarkane]

Rubbing your earlobes and kissing your forehead isn't keeping things purely about the baby, is it? I thought you were going to keep it only about the baby? I think you are getting played.

[geegirl]

New years, this man flaunted infront of you and kissed Harriet while you watched and then told you it was bound to happen. Also told you that hopefully you both can be friends one day. Posted about not wanting to lose her. Gives you some baloney about "context" when the truth is so clear to see. SMH.

 

He's lost Hariet and you have officially become the fallback. He has no where else to go so he has come back to you.

 

I don't know how your mother deals with watching her daughter indulge in a man that she clearly sees as damaging and unhealthy. I'm sure it is very hard for her.

 

You will have to learn the hard way and go through every motion until you get to a point where you will get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[Minadee]

Hi guys. I've read through all your posts and I honestly am trying to not contact him aside from baby matters. But when it comes down to it, he is literally my world. I dont really have any true friends (i have a not-so-good best friend, who didn't even get me a birthday card) and I have no real bond with my mother. I love my father but I can't talk to him about this without him getting angry at J, which I don't blame him for, as you said gee, I know this is hurting him. But for the sake of the child I need him to not want to get a gun out every time he comes to see me... *nervous laugh*

 

Had a giant argument with my parents tonight. It ended up with my mother telling me that looking at me made her feel sick and that I had never done anything in my life to make her proud of me and that she was done with me. I stormed out and ended up walking about 4-5 miles. It was raining and I was crying and I texted numerous people asking for comfort and not one of them replied. So I turned to him. I rang him up, a drivelling mess. He was annoyed and said that there were certain things in life we have to deal with and that I can't run away. That even though we were not together, he was there for me and he would pick me up but he was having a few drinks with his family and couldn't drive or pick me up. (obviously I wasnt going to risk this!) It annoyed me how mature he was being. And how right he was. It annoyed me that I had gone running to him as some sobbing, annoying and irrational little girl when really I got myself into this as much as he is and he is dealing with it a lot better than I am.

 

I was blubbing like some wreck, telling him I was done with everything and that I was not going back to my house tonight (stupid, i know) trying to evoke some sort of sympathy but instead he calmed me down and told me to get home and that i'd feel better. All I wanted was for him to come and get me and sleep in his bed with his arms around me. (I have no idea what I was thinking) I feel so immature and ridiculous in my actions and what I said and it has really annoyed me how much he has grown, as during our relationship he was very immature and needed constant reassurance and guidance.

 

So he stayed on the phone with me as I started walking home (it's about 8pm where I am) and we talked about a lot of things. I mentioned Harriet a few times and he said he wasnt speaking to her much. I walked past a field we once had sex in (haha ) and mentioned it and I asked him if he was sober enough to pick me up and he said "Even if I was, I don't think I could, i'd be too tempted with you in the car" and I said "Why?" and he said "You said we shouldn't have sex anymore and i'm sticking by that." which frustrated me because I can't deny that I want him like crazy with all my hormones rushing everywhere. I didnt really respond aside from a little pining and I changed the conversation. Eventually it started getting late and I told him to get to bed as he'd been at work all day and he sounded tired. He left and I had the rest of my journey to ponder my thoughts.

 

So my question is how do I stop relying on him for sympathy and affection? He's right. Which is soooo annoying. But I have some serious growing up to do and I know I cannot rely on anyone else for my own happiness. I have a counceller but it is early days with her yet and we havn't even covered any of this (!!) and it'll be a few weeks before I find the strength to even mention his name.

 

I can deny it all I want but I still want to be with him. Not just for the baby's sake either. I am in love with J and it sucks. I don't want to push as I know he is confused but I just want us to be a family. I never imagined it would be like this.

 

Thankyou for reading, and please try not to be too harsh. I'm in a very emotional place right now.

[geegirl]

I think the only way for you out of this is accepting that he's not going to be what you want him to be. You hold him hostage to situations that you hope will evoke sympathy because you want him to love you back. You're looking for signs of life so you test, tease, entice but all it does is make you look desperate and you know this. You put yourself in bad situations and hope he'll rescue you but he won't.

[Minadee]

Geegirl, do you ever get sick of being right all the time?

[geegirl]

Geegirl, do you ever get sick of being right all the time?

 

I wish being right didn't come with old age and many painful lessons learned!

[Minadee]

Gee, I hope you've found happiness! If it is any sort of condolence, I've really tried to take on board what you've been saying to me. I feel i'm making some sort of progress since the mini meltdown. I'm trying to be positive and be more positive towards J.

 

I saw him today for my blood test. We've had low contact since Sunday. He picked me up and held my hand. (I didn't cry today! Big brave girlie!) Then we took our dog for a walk in the woods (which was his idea, I wanted to go to bed, but I think he knew it would end up in sex. Not sure whether to be annoyed by this or respect him more as a person! ) So we were walking. There were no awkward moments. There was a lot of laughter and touching and there was a lot of playful moments. He stopped and gave me a really big cuddle out of nowhere and stroked my hair and told me how nice I smelt. He eventually dropped me home and I asked if he wanted to come in and he said no as he had work to do. I pouted at him and he kissed my cheek, very very close to my lips. Our faces were literally inches away from each other as I was looking at him sulkily! He scooped me up into his arms and gave me a hug and told me he'd see me soon. I got back into the house and told myself very sternly that I wasn't going to cry. I went on with my day and tidied the house up and got a lot of work done.

 

A couple of hours later he texted me saying he had had a really fun time with me and I didn't reply so he messaged me on Facebook (the mother of all evil!) I told him I was thoughtful and he asked why. I told him I wished things were different and he said "Even if we were together and happy, I still wouldn't have wanted this just yet." and I told him that I was feeling a little down and he told me he'd come over at some point when he wasn't working and stay with me as long as needed, then he had to leave for work, and he said "i'll talk to you later xxx"

 

Now. I'm not stupid. I know I can sit and over-think everything he says and does because i'm clinging to the hope that he'll tell me he loves me and wants to be a family but it hasn't happened yet. I'm pondering if it will happen. He is fully aware of my feelings towards him. I can't say he's not trying. In a way, I wish he wasn't, because its making it hard for me to separate what he says and does from "caring about me" and "clues that he wants you back." I don't think he knows what he wants either. My mother says i'm experiencing "Want-what-I-can't-have syndrome" because i'm noticing all the little things about him that I used to look over. Like his cheeky smile and the way he has his hair cut, how he dresses and drives. It's all new and un-familiar. He looks good. When i'm around him I just want to sit on his lap and kiss him, but I know I can't do that.

 

I've started gentle jogging to stay fit. I'm looking into future courses to progress in my career. I'm still taking care of my appearance and trying very hard to feel happy. I feel as i'm taking baby steps, but baby steps are better than sitting at a bus top crying my eyes out. I never want to feel that low again.

 

I don't really know where to go from here though.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Minadee

[geegirl]

Yes, I have Mina and it's taken me 42 years to get here, and even then, nothing is a guarantee. Something we all have to accept, even you.

 

If you go back and read your threads, you have more than a number of times asked the question, "where do I go from here." Reason being, you are on a cycle, a loop, a pattern of doing the same thing over and over again, and sadly expecting different results. But since the time you started posting here, the results have always been the same.

 

At some point you have to ask yourself what is it that you truly want for yourself.

 

I understand hoping to build a life with J, but you have to be realistic about it rather than play the fantasy for him and hope that he wants it. If time and time again, he pushes the idea away, you have to stop. But if you still feel the need to allow him to be apart of the baby process, you have to create boundaries that protect yourself emotionally, rather than run blindly smack dab into a speeding train over and over again. You have to treat this pregnancy process with him as matter of fact.

 

All this stroking hair, and whispering sweet nothings and counting the stars is keeping you in a romance novel. The reality is that you are having a baby. Finances need to be in order. Caretaking. Do you have a job that can cover expenses? Where will you live? Who will be your support? Have you talked to him about child support? Does he want to be a part of it? There is a baby coming.

 

It's time to grow up and start focusing on your plans for this child. If he does not know what he wants, you truly don't want to have a man-child on your hands while you take care of a baby. You want a man that is responsible and stable and he can't even be that to himself, so how can he be that to you?

 

You have to seperate yourself and stop waiting and hoping that he'll come and sweep you of your feet. And you are not taking baby steps. Everytime you contact him, he slaps a bandaid on your wound. It's a false sense of "baby steps" because he's still emotionally supporting you.

 

Again, you will do what you have to do, but I want you to see that you're on a loop. Nothing has changed.

Edited January 10, 2013 by geegirl

[venusianx13]

My experience (somewhat similar to yours):

 

7 years ago, I was engaged to be married to my son's dad. After our son was born, I moved in with him. His behaviors began to become reckless (drinking, and later I found out about the abuse of Rx meds), not to mention, he was an unfit father. I left with our son when he was about 6 months old. I wanted for him to get help, marriage was off the table, but I wanted to try and work on things. He agreed to it. Suddenly, he went no contact (not even a msg to check on our son) and just days later, he moved a new woman in with him. I ran into them one day at the mall (purely by coincidence, and this was before I knew about the other woman). Well, this confirmed what was going on, as I saw him walking out of Victoria's Secret with this new girl... I approached them, and gave her an earful. It was wasted breath - as was his character, he managed to gaslight me completely and told this new woman a different version of events. The woman was under the impression we had been broken up "for months" and was convinced of this for the duration of their 3 year relationship. It was only after their relationship ended that the real story became clear to her, and she apologized to me for not listening in the first place. However, I really do think this is how things go.

 

Please, save your breath. Focus on what's important (your baby, your health and healing) and retain your dignity. The truth will come out eventually.

[Sugarkane]

I'd be more concerned about getting child support from this guy.