In search of my self-esteem

[SamanthaX]

The past year has been very hard. I have been in a LTR that has been difficult. I terminated a pregnancy--I chose to do this but it was still very painful. I changed careers to do something I really love but it has been hard transitioning. I gained 30 lbs and started using alot of drugs because I was depressed about my weight gain, relationship troubles, lack of direction, little social life, the list goes on and on. At the beginning of the year, I had started having health problems and needed to undergo surgery. I guess this was my wake-up call. I started exercising, lost 30 lbs, stopped smoking pot, and quit smoking (had been smoking for 12 years--since I was 15). I feel really proud of myself for these huge changes but i still have such a negative image of myself. The only time I am happy is when I am with my BF but that is only every 2-3 weeks. I need to find happiness by myself but I can't seem to grasp it. I am far away from my family and have few friends here. I tend to isolate and don't go out much. I am very sad all the time and just really need to find some inner happiness because this is driving me nuts. I have been to therapists but they always want to medicate and I dont want to take any drugs. I just want to live a clean, healthy, and happy life. What can I do?

[overseas2004]

I totally agree with you. The solution in the US to all kinds of problems is always meds and counselling. And I think that is a load of hogwash. It is an escape for people not to find the true answer to what makes them happy.

 

I went through something similar to your situation about four years ago and the depression lasted a long time. I tried the meds and the counselling and it DID not help. Well of course it didn't help. How are you supposed to feel better about yourself right?

 

The answer for me was to learn alot about depression and how to treat it. To learn about natural ways to boost your endorphins and your seratonin levels. One good way is exercize. It also helps self image ... as you know.

 

But I also had to ask myself alot of hard questions about myself. What makes me happy and what do I need to do to find goals and acheive new goals etc....

 

I found that physical work also helps to alleviate depression. My job is extremely intellectual and I sit at a desk all day long. Once in a while I really try to do some gardening because its hard work. And I love to see the results in the end (flowers).

 

I stay busy all the time to keep from thinking negative thoughts. Ive learned that an active lifestyle helps me get away from all that.

 

You may not be religious but the lord has really helped me as well. I go to church and try to find the answers in the gospels.

 

I have not had a episode of depression for over a year now. And I have to say that I am pretty happy with myself.

 

My pattern may not work for you but I think you see what I am getting at. All you need to do is find the pattern for yourself. Forget the meds as you say. A pill can't make you happy. But you can make yourself happy.

 

The answers are out there waiting to be discovered. Good luck...

 

Regards,

 

Overseas

[Papillon]

Without wanting to go off topic, I agree with overseas 100% - it's actually quite saddening to see the attitude that americans take towards personal problem solving.

 

Read this self-help book, take that pill, see another shrink. In my opinion those all avoid the internal issue, by seeking an external focus.

 

There is only ONE rule to hapiness, and that is the following :

 

HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB!

 

You've already won half the fight - you quit smoking, and lost that weight through your own inner strength. Life is hard, and we all have to fight a constant emotional uphill battle - but it's the little successes that give life its flavour.

 

I always recommend taking up a martial art like Aikido - the spiritual focus will allow you to center yourself, as well as the physical benefits.

[smile95]

Well coming from a gal who has been diagnosed with depression, I must say that it is not something you can do on your own. I know people are saying it is the easy way out to take drugs but it is something i need for a while (not forever) to get thru my day. I went thru a hard year and I started crying everyday and not doing anything and lost weight and never wanted to go outside. My ex was very abusive and when we broke up I felt lost. I waited a few months to try and get by on my own and I got worse. I went to therapy and she let me decide if i want anti depressants. I did not at first, as i wanted to work on this alone. After a few months of no progress and crying 24/7 over the dumbest things, i tried lexapro and antiD. At first no improvement. and after a while I started to not cry everyday. I was amazed. I continued to talk to my therapist about how i felt and my proress. I started to go out more and cry less and started to eat too. I still was very upset over my ex, but was able to go thru my day without breaking down. After a while, I started to ween off the pills and continue therapy. Today, I take nothing and still go to therapy sometimes, but depression IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN MAKE GO AWAY ON ITS OWN!!! People who never had this do not understand, but you cannot. It is a medical condidtion just like any other disease that needs treated. I suggest to you that you try and do things for you and be with friends and learn to love yourself. I still have a hard time loving myself, but no one can love you until you love yourself and it shows. Sorry for rambling...it does get better if you believe in yourself.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Papillon

 

Read this self-help book, take that pill, see another shrink. In my opinion those all avoid the internal issue, by seeking an external focus.

 

Papillon,

 

I think people read books and see shrinks in an effort to identify the internal issue. I know I have been to a couple counselors who have basically done nothing, but I have also been to 3 (over a period of 10-15 years) who really helped me to make changes in myself and my life.

 

For example, this past fall, I went into counseling to help me with the depression and grief I have been experiencing because of my son's severe disability. The therapist introduced me to cognitive therapy, which is certainly a therapy that a person does basically on their own, and definitely helps to change negative thinking patterns. I did the work on my own, and the therapist just helped me to stay on track. There was no psycho-analyzing, and this took about 5 or 6 sessions. I can honestly say it was life changing for me. I know you don't like self-help books, but the book "Feeling Good" by Burns (sounds hokey, but it's not), describes cognitive therapy. Burns, the author, is also anti-drug, and claims that many (most?) people can overcome depression without drugs.

 

I also started taking an anti-depressant at this same time, like Beth above, I was crying all the time, and basically not able to be a good mother or wife. The anti-depressant did not make my problems go away, or even make me think about them less. It just helped me to stop crying, and feel less sad all the time, so I could focus on changing my negative thinking.

 

I absolutely agree with you that happiness is an inside job, but sometimes we need another objective viewpoint. This is why this forum exists. I'm sure you would agree that many times we can look at another's situation, and immediately know what the answer to the problem is, but when it is our own problem that is more difficult to do.

[Papillon]

See, now, the irony of the situation is that I am not opposed to drugs in principle. Clinical depression is a serious physiological syndrome, and leads to chemical imbalances in the brain, which in turn increase the depression, and so on. Anti-depressant drugs are extremely helpful in breaking the cycle.

 

The difference is that 99% of depressed people are NOT clinically depressive - yet the great majority of them are prescribed pills. The pervasive attitude with self-help books, pills, and so on, is one of a quick fix. A magical wundersalf to rub on that hurt and it goes away.

 

Real, dark, all-consuming depression, clinical or not, takes a long time to develop, and the only way to fix it is to get a perspective on it. Only you can fix it, but, yes, you're absolutely right, sometimes we need someone else to help us get that perspective. But in the end it's still YOU that has to fix yourself. The pill cannot fix you, the book cannot fix you, and the shrink sure as hell cannot, and that is where so many people have the wrong idea.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Papillon

But in the end it's still YOU that has to fix yourself. The pill cannot fix you, the book cannot fix you, and the shrink sure as hell cannot, and that is where so many people have the wrong idea.

 

I absolutely agree with you about that.

[SamanthaX]

Thanks for your responses. I agree with you all about the US being overmedicated. I have been to a few doctors and they have put me on a variety of pills. Nothing worked. I have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed. I just wan to be happy and function normally. I am always anxious and obssess over my relationship because I am afraid of losing it. I have though about going to a anon support group but I dont know where to start.

[Papillon]

You've already started...... this IS loveshack, after all.

[moimeme]

Read this self-help book, take that pill, see another shrink. In my opinion those all avoid the internal issue, by seeking an external focus.

 

Um. No. As Matilda said, and I want to re-emphasize, people use SELF-help books and shrinks to help them find clues to what is wrong inside themselves. Sometimes, events in the past take their toll for years and people aren't that skilled at sorting out that that happened or how that happened.

[Papillon]

Yeah, moimeme. Looking outside yourself to see inside...

[moimeme]

It's no different than going to a forum and paying attention to the advice, Papillon.

 

The point is that few people comprehend how psychology works or how people's minds work. People don't necessarily realize how things from their lives may have affected them. They are also useless, usually, at diagnosing real disorders.

 

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with getting help to understand oneself. Why did you post your question about your job? Why couldn't you figure it out for yourself? I don't see how you can think there's a difference between a forum and a book. Or seeing a shrink in person. No human knows everything!

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by moimeme

No human knows everything!

Well, my bubble has been burst!

[youcandealw/it]

most everyone goes through depression in their life at some point in time,but you should look around yourself and appreciate what you have and not be in despair over what you think you don't have.it's just an opinion.

[Randy]

Originally posted by SamanthaX

The past year has been very hard. I have been in a LTR that has been difficult. I terminated a pregnancy--I chose to do this but it was still very painful. I changed careers to do something I really love but it has been hard transitioning. I gained 30 lbs and started using alot of drugs because I was depressed about my weight gain, relationship troubles, lack of direction, little social life, the list goes on and on. At the beginning of the year, I had started having health problems and needed to undergo surgery. I guess this was my wake-up call. I started exercising, lost 30 lbs, stopped smoking pot, and quit smoking (had been smoking for 12 years--since I was 15). I feel really proud of myself for these huge changes but i still have such a negative image of myself. The only time I am happy is when I am with my BF but that is only every 2-3 weeks. I need to find happiness by myself but I can't seem to grasp it. I am far away from my family and have few friends here. I tend to isolate and don't go out much. I am very sad all the time and just really need to find some inner happiness because this is driving me nuts. I have been to therapists but they always want to medicate and I dont want to take any drugs. I just want to live a clean, healthy, and happy life. What can I do?

 

Hello,

I understand your not wanting to take drugs, prescribed drugs, because I have been there. I have had mental problems all my life. Not mental problems as a very disturbed, non functional person, just mood swings. I would get so mad sometimes because I would feel down, but as I looked at my life, I would not see problems that might cause me to feel the way I was feeling. Finaly I realized & learned that a lot of problems like this is not something you can fix on your own no matter how long & hard you worked on it. It can be a chemical imballance causing your depression & drugs can help bring you back to a place where you can have peace & then feel like tackle other problems. You wouldn't expect a diabettic to just stop acting up. You know you have to take your shots. Then when you do, you then can feel better & will be able to do the diet & other helpful things. So sometimes we need the drugs so we can get to a place where we can feel a sense of well being & with renewed strenth can work on other parts of our life.